Thank you very much for giving me the place where it is written in Quran. You're explanation also is very clear, so thank you for this.
You're very welcome.
I really wonder why man have the authority on his wife, this is something I never understood. I can understand the physical strongness of course, but why from character.... I don't think that it's something build in that the women follows...
When I discuss with Muslim, they told me that it's because women have hormones and change their mood, this is why the lead is giving to men. But we cannot deny that men also have hormones that give them thethe ability to kill, to rape, shout, beat... Etc... So to me it would be more safe to not
give them the leading part.
You are looking at the exceptions and mixing two different things. You have to realize that islam is for everyone and therefore all of the rules and practices are applied to the general population. And in general, women by nature can never and should never have to bear the responsibilities of men nor have authority over them. We have our own responsibilities and hardships to bear. I would also never marry a man who committed acts that were against Islam, so it begins there. When you want to build a family, you have to consider what type of father your husband will be and how you will raise your children together, so in a healthy and normal marriage, knowing the person you marry has authority over you, you will want to marry someone who is practicing correctly, is kind, strong, financial stable, has good character and morals, and will give you your rights (because women have specific rights in marriage), etc. If he is following his desires and doing as he pleases, breaking rules, does not know his religion, then he does not have a backbone and will not give you your rights and will face a lot of hardship down the line.
The authority comes from Allah:
Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has given the one more (strength) than the other, and because they support them from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. (4:34)
So the rule is that men HAVE TO protect their women and HAVE TO provide for them. This is not something which is optional. It is part of your right. In marriage, you should feel 100% safe to have your husband be your authority and for him to take care of you no matter what the circumstance. And as a woman it would be in your nature that when you have a protective and loving husband that you would be submissive towards him and would want to take care of him as well. This would include your children. A man like that also teaches his sons how to treat his sisters and mother. A man like that will also take care of his own mother and treat her well. This is what marriage in islam is supposed to be like, nothing less. This doesn't mean a woman cannot have her own activities or work, but that always she is protected by her husband and he will always do what is best for her as long as it does not go against their religion.
A woman who has an agenda against men is a woman who has faced trauma in her life, and has had bad experiences with men, and has never had a good example of a righteous man in her life, so she settles for what is less and she becomes what she needs by being more masculine, having masculine traits, or taking on the responsibilities her husband is not fulfilling. That to me is not fair, and unfortunately that is the way society is becoming. Women wanting to become more independent, exposing and being excessive in their beauty, want to have babies without men, etc because their experiences are with men are negative.
For the smoking /drinking... Etc, I have to say I have been in Egypt, Jordan, Saudi Arabia and Libanon and ALL the men where smoking there. Literally everywhere. The women no. Same for drinking, I know so oooo many Muslim men who drink (mostly in Europe but it's because alcohol is more accessible here then in Muslim countries). Muslim women, even in Europe don't drink. Even if they have easy and cheap access to alcohol. So it shows that women follow more the religion and also are better to spread the exemple on their children and husband.
A righteous man will not commit such acts and is not fit for marriage, and if he does sin then he will repent sincerely and change his ways. In fact, seeking someone who has righteous character whether woman or man for marriage is the most important characteristic we are supposed to look for when we get married.
Same for women. We are human and make mistakes but the unique thing about Islam is for every sin there is a way to repent for it and seek forgiveness from Allah and we must always strive to perfect our character and move forward. So regardless, a Muslim man who commits sins in the eyes of Allah is different than a nonMuslim who commits sins. A muslim has the ability to repent and seek forgiveness in the way Allah tells us to, and he knows in his conscience that he is going against Allah when he does wrong, but a nonMuslim doesn't feel that his actions are wrong as long as his actions do not hurt someone else, and of course he does not repent for them.
We can always look at what is worse and compare, but we should not do that. We look at what is better and compare. A Muslim man who follows his religion and has good character will ALWAYS be better for a Muslim woman than a nonMuslim man even if he does not drink, smoke, etc. I wouldn't compare a nonMuslim man with a bad Muslim man because neither of them would be fit for marriage to a Muslim woman who wants to marry.
And last think : I feel sad because if a non Muslim has children with a Christian, the children (according to Muslim religion) have to be Muslim. Which means that the Christian parent has to respect Islam, but the Muslim parent don't have to respect the Christian religion. Is like we don't count, what we feel and think is not respected.
I am so sorry to be so harsh but it's literally how I feel. Mother's are important, their way of thinking should be respected.
If the mother is Christian or Jewish that she can practice the way she wants and her religion has to be respected. Respect doesn't mean practicing with her. Islam, christianity and Judaism are all from Allah, so we cannot disrespect your beliefs. However, there are differences in our beliefs and practices, so therefore we can't practice anything which goes against our beliefs. I don't see that as disrespect and it's more important to not disrespect Allah by doing something that will Anger Him than to disrespect his creation. You are also showing a good example of why it will become difficult down the line to marry outside of your faith and raise your children with a different religion. This is why it is so important that you have these things sorted out before you marry someone who is not the same religion as you.
