Wife Beating in Islam?

[mansaf]

Wife Beating In Islam


One of the most misunderstood concepts in Islam is the man's right to beat his wife. This is a misunderstanding however as I just said. You only need to be a reasonable human to see the reasonable approach to solving a dispute between husband and wife.

Suppose the wife has disobeyed the husband. The husband thinks that the wife is doing wrong and unjust to him. The husband is devout and loving to his wife.

"... Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct ..." (Quran 4:34)

What would the husband try to do first to correct the problem?

If you are a devout loving husband, you would definitely try to reason with her and show her that she has been mistaken, that her actions are not acceptable, and that she must stop.

"... admonish them (first) ..." (Quran 4:34)

However she is not convinced and she keeps disobeying her husband by the free will she practices as a Muslim woman.

What would the husband do next?

The husband would show discomfort and discontent. He would avoid talking to her. He would not sleep with her in the same bed. He would not ... etc.

"... refuse to share their beds ..." (Quran 4:34)

She keeps disobeying her husband by the free will she practices as a Muslim woman.

What would the husband do next?

He would gather family or friends to intervene hoping now for reconciliation instead of persuasion. Family and friends would try to find a common ground between the husband and wife. They would judge who is right and who is wrong. They would reason with both and persuade the mistaken to stop.

"... If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation ..." (Quran 4:35)

Suppose now that the wife is found to be mistaken. However the wife continues disobedience by the free will she practices as a Muslim woman. What kind of devout loving wife would still prefer tension and displeasure between her and her husband after family and friends have judged between them!

What would the husband do next?

I cannot think of any more intellectual approach to reach reconciliation. First the husband starts by trying to stop the wife from disobeying. Then he is willing to re-conciliate. Then what next? Do not say to go their separate ways and divorce! What kind of devout loving husband and wife would divorce over minor troubles in their marriage!

What would the husband do then?

If he is a devout loving husband, he would beat her gently to stir emotions within her. He would beat her like he would beat his children for discipline. Yes, because after all this the wife would be acting like a child who is unconvinced by reasoning. He would not beat his wife to hurt her physically but emotionally. He would not hit on the face, he would not cause bruises, and he would not break bones. He would beat her exactly like he would beat his child. She would definitely stop her disobedience after this, exactly how a child would learn what is wrong and what is right after being disciplined by the parents.

"... (and last) beat them (lightly) ..." (Quran 4:34)

It would be amazing if the woman persists her disobedience after all this. God forbids I marry a woman that would not agree to stop disobedience at reconciliation through family and friends. I fear Allah the Most High, the Great above all men. I do not wish to be unjust to my wife.

"... but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, Great (above you all)" (Quran 4:34)

Again she continues disobeying by the free will she practices as a Muslim woman. No, the husband is forbidden to beat harder and harder breaking her bones and handicapping her, hoping she stops disobedience. This is totally forbidden. What kind of a devout loving husband would do this to his wife. What kind of a human would do this to another human.

What would the husband do next?

The ultimate and final resort would be divorce. Yes, divorce! Can you think of any other approach after all this? I think not. But do not be alarmed. Islam requires three divorces to finalize separation. The husband is loving and devout and would divorce the first time. Then reconciliation would be used again fearing that their marriage would end in eternal separation. If the wife continues disobedience, then the husband divorces the second time forcing the wife to leave the house and go stay with her relatives. Then reconciliation would be used more and more at the second alarm. Finally, if the wife persists disobedience, then the husband divorces the third and marriage with all its problems that have accumulated as a result of this disobedience would end in peace between the husband and wife.

"Divorced women ... And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise." (Quran 2:228)

"A divorce is only permissible twice: after that, the parties should either hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness ..." (Quran 2:229)

Tell me who is being unjust and abusing here? The family and friends have judged between them and found the wife to be mistaken. The wife would not stop disobedience. If the husband was judged to be unjust to his wife, then her family would force the man to stop his abuse or demand divorce for her. But I was talking about the case where the wife is mistaken and that is where gentle beating would be used if necessary.

A woman might ask why she does not have the right to practice the mentioned therapy on her husband. You can reason with your husband, you can show discontent and try to avoid him, and you can call on family and friends to reconcile between you and your husband. This is your right as an equal Muslim woman. But do you wish to gently beat your husband? Well, go ahead and beat your husband. Don't you realize the turmoil and regret a loving husband would feel after treating his wife this way? Don't you see why God has issued gentle beating as a last resort before divorce? Aren't you more loving to your husband than he is to you? Isn't this your nature as a woman? Do you really want to go through these feelings of regret and sorrow? Or are you a rough amazonian woman? What kind of a man would want to marry an amazonian woman? What kind of a man would want to feel that his manhood is being stripped away from him?

No my dear sister. You shall not act in such way because you are a gentle devout loving wife. Your husband, your parents, and your brother are their for you. It is their duty to protect you and fight for your justice. Your parents or your brothers will persuade your husband or seek divorce for you in case the husband was mistaken. You do not need to lose your gentle nature by beating your husband. Most of all, you shall not put your gentle heart into agony.

 

[mansaf]

I was hoping someone would criticize the article, especillay nonbelievers. By criticize I generally mean find away around gentle beating before reaching divorce.

 

[chris4336]

Hi Mansaf,

I really disliked this ruling before I converted. It generally did not find the idea of "hitting lightly" to be an ideal way of solving marital conflicts.

However, as it was explained to me, Muslim men are only permitted to "tap lightly" if they think it will help save the marriage. So for example if you are married to me, you should know that if I am doing something wrong, lightly hitting me will NOT solve anything, therefore, your would simply skip this step and initate a divorce.

Also, I think it should be emphasized that ALL Muslim men must look to the Prophet as an example of how to live, and the Prophet NEVER laid a hand on any of his wives.

Finally I really don't agree with the authors last two paragraphs where he talks about women turning into "amazonian women" or putting your "gentle heart into agony." I think its the right and duty of Muslim women to stand up for their own rights, enlisting the power of others when necessary. Women aren't allowed to hit men because men are (generally) stronger and could hit back harder, putting the woman in danger. In my opinion, all the stuff he writes about being a loving devout wife stuff is a load of garbage if your husband is mistreating you.

Just my opinion. I have done a lot of soul searching on this topic so if you want to discuss it further I would glad to.

 

[mansaf]

Thank you very much for your opinion. You do make very good points.

So you agree that gentle beating is needed as a latest resort to save marriage.

The article already mentions that the woman has the right to stand up agains husband by first reasoning, then admonishing, then reconciliation through family. An amazonian woman is in the case where a woman would beat her husband undermining his manhood and authority in the marriage. However, you are right about the man striking back.

I think you can still be a devout loving wife if your husband is mistreating you out of ignorance or misguidance. You would seek to correct him because you care about him. However, the article is talking about the husband's mistakes of not just mistreating wife but also committing sins like drinking, gambling, stealing, or not praying.

Yes, regretting the action of beating wife is a load of garbage.


salam

Hi Mansaf,

I really disliked this ruling before I converted. It generally did not find the idea of "hitting lightly" to be an ideal way of solving marital conflicts.

However, as it was explained to me, Muslim men are only permitted to "tap lightly" if they think it will help save the marriage. So for example if you are married to me, you should know that if I am doing something wrong, lightly hitting me will NOT solve anything, therefore, your would simply skip this step and initate a divorce.

Also, I think it should be emphasized that ALL Muslim men must look to the Prophet as an example of how to live, and the Prophet NEVER laid a hand on any of his wives.

Finally I really don't agree with the authors last two paragraphs where he talks about women turning into "amazonian women" or putting your "gentle heart into agony." I think its the right and duty of Muslim women to stand up for their own rights, enlisting the power of others when necessary. Women aren't allowed to hit men because men are (generally) stronger and could hit back harder, putting the woman in danger. In my opinion, all the stuff he writes about being a loving devout wife stuff is a load of garbage if your husband is mistreating you.

Just my opinion. I have done a lot of soul searching on this topic so if you want to discuss it further I would glad to.

 

[tomtomsmom]

Hitting me is not the way to get your point across. Of course that is how I was raised so I guess for me it is different. I have been in an abusive relationship before and never again will I tolerate any man to hit me. Even if it is "lightly".

 

[chris4336]

TomstomMom - I feel the exact same way. My mother always taught me if someone ever lays his hand on you GET OUT as fast as you can (and she always told me to always make sure I have my own money so that I could leave if need be.) I am very sorry you were in an abusive relationship, that must have been awful.

Mansaf - I don't think a light hit is "needed" to save a marriage. I think that it is permissible because its "possible" that it might save a marriage. No one knows why Allah made this permissible for men, right? Maybe he made it permissible because there was 1 marriage where lightly tapping the woman would have saved that marriage - do you know what I mean? Maybe he put the permission in the Quran so that the Prophet could show his companions the limits of physical force they may use (not leave a mark, not on the face)? I mean if it was never discussed, people could start making rules like "Well if it doesn't break a bone it's allowed." So we can speculate all we want but (as someone on this board has told me many times) eventually we have to put our faith in a high power who knows us much better than we know ourselves.

 

[Muslim Pride]

Is there a source for this?

Wife Beating In Islam


One of the most misunderstood concepts in Islam is the man's right to beat his wife. This is a misunderstanding however as I just said. You only need to be a reasonable human to see the reasonable approach to solving a dispute between husband and wife.

Suppose the wife has disobeyed the husband. The husband thinks that the wife is doing wrong and unjust to him. The husband is devout and loving to his wife.

"... Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient, and guard in (the husband's) absence what Allah would have them guard. As to those women on whose part ye fear disloyalty and ill-conduct ..." (Quran 4:34)

What would the husband try to do first to correct the problem?

If you are a devout loving husband, you would definitely try to reason with her and show her that she has been mistaken, that her actions are not acceptable, and that she must stop.

"... admonish them (first) ..." (Quran 4:34)

However she is not convinced and she keeps disobeying her husband by the free will she practices as a Muslim woman.

What would the husband do next?

The husband would show discomfort and discontent. He would avoid talking to her. He would not sleep with her in the same bed. He would not ... etc.

"... refuse to share their beds ..." (Quran 4:34)

She keeps disobeying her husband by the free will she practices as a Muslim woman.

What would the husband do next?

He would gather family or friends to intervene hoping now for reconciliation instead of persuasion. Family and friends would try to find a common ground between the husband and wife. They would judge who is right and who is wrong. They would reason with both and persuade the mistaken to stop.

"... If ye fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for peace, Allah will cause their reconciliation ..." (Quran 4:35)

Suppose now that the wife is found to be mistaken. However the wife continues disobedience by the free will she practices as a Muslim woman. What kind of devout loving wife would still prefer tension and displeasure between her and her husband after family and friends have judged between them!

What would the husband do next?

I cannot think of any more intellectual approach to reach reconciliation. First the husband starts by trying to stop the wife from disobeying. Then he is willing to re-conciliate. Then what next? Do not say to go their separate ways and divorce! What kind of devout loving husband and wife would divorce over minor troubles in their marriage!

What would the husband do then?

If he is a devout loving husband, he would beat her gently to stir emotions within her. He would beat her like he would beat his children for discipline. Yes, because after all this the wife would be acting like a child who is unconvinced by reasoning. He would not beat his wife to hurt her physically but emotionally. He would not hit on the face, he would not cause bruises, and he would not break bones. He would beat her exactly like he would beat his child. She would definitely stop her disobedience after this, exactly how a child would learn what is wrong and what is right after being disciplined by the parents.

"... (and last) beat them (lightly) ..." (Quran 4:34)

It would be amazing if the woman persists her disobedience after all this. God forbids I marry a woman that would not agree to stop disobedience at reconciliation through family and friends. I fear Allah the Most High, the Great above all men. I do not wish to be unjust to my wife.

"... but if they return to obedience, seek not against them means (of annoyance): For Allah is Most High, Great (above you all)" (Quran 4:34)

Again she continues disobeying by the free will she practices as a Muslim woman. No, the husband is forbidden to beat harder and harder breaking her bones and handicapping her, hoping she stops disobedience. This is totally forbidden. What kind of a devout loving husband would do this to his wife. What kind of a human would do this to another human.

What would the husband do next?

The ultimate and final resort would be divorce. Yes, divorce! Can you think of any other approach after all this? I think not. But do not be alarmed. Islam requires three divorces to finalize separation. The husband is loving and devout and would divorce the first time. Then reconciliation would be used again fearing that their marriage would end in eternal separation. If the wife continues disobedience, then the husband divorces the second time forcing the wife to leave the house and go stay with her relatives. Then reconciliation would be used more and more at the second alarm. Finally, if the wife persists disobedience, then the husband divorces the third and marriage with all its problems that have accumulated as a result of this disobedience would end in peace between the husband and wife.

"Divorced women ... And their husbands have the better right to take them back in that period, if they wish for reconciliation. And women shall have rights similar to the rights against them, according to what is equitable; but men have a degree (of advantage) over them. And Allah is Exalted in Power, Wise." (Quran 2:228)

"A divorce is only permissible twice: after that, the parties should either hold together on equitable terms, or separate with kindness ..." (Quran 2:229)

Tell me who is being unjust and abusing here? The family and friends have judged between them and found the wife to be mistaken. The wife would not stop disobedience. If the husband was judged to be unjust to his wife, then her family would force the man to stop his abuse or demand divorce for her. But I was talking about the case where the wife is mistaken and that is where gentle beating would be used if necessary.

A woman might ask why she does not have the right to practice the mentioned therapy on her husband. You can reason with your husband, you can show discontent and try to avoid him, and you can call on family and friends to reconcile between you and your husband. This is your right as an equal Muslim woman. But do you wish to gently beat your husband? Well, go ahead and beat your husband. Don't you realize the turmoil and regret a loving husband would feel after treating his wife this way? Don't you see why God has issued gentle beating as a last resort before divorce? Aren't you more loving to your husband than he is to you? Isn't this your nature as a woman? Do you really want to go through these feelings of regret and sorrow? Or are you a rough amazonian woman? What kind of a man would want to marry an amazonian woman? What kind of a man would want to feel that his manhood is being stripped away from him?

No my dear sister. You shall not act in such way because you are a gentle devout loving wife. Your husband, your parents, and your brother are their for you. It is their duty to protect you and fight for your justice. Your parents or your brothers will persuade your husband or seek divorce for you in case the husband was mistaken. You do not need to lose your gentle nature by beating your husband. Most of all, you shall not put your gentle heart into agony.

 

[zanjabeela]

Hitting me is not the way to get your point across. Of course that is how I was raised so I guess for me it is different. I have been in an abusive relationship before and never again will I tolerate any man to hit me. Even if it is "lightly".

Amen to that! That is what my mom's parents told her before marriage (and my dad is the kind of person who literally could not hurt a fly) and this is what my parents tell my sis and I: If the man you marry ever lifts his hand at you in anger, come home immediately! They are quite confident that they did not raise us in a way where a light beating would ever be necessary or justified. lol God knows if their confidence is misplaced.

I just felt compelled to interject that as a Muslim woman who comes from a fairly religious background.

Peace!

 

[Malaikah]

They are quite confident that they did not raise us in a way where a light beating would ever be necessary or justified. lol God knows if their confidence is misplaced.

How can it not be justified when Allah swt himself justified in the Quran?

When it comes to issues like this, people tend to put their emotions first (I'm not referring to anyone here in specific). Allah isn't talking about male dominance or abuse... If anything this law is a protection for women because of the steps in place and the fact that it doesn't allow the husband to hurt his wife. Not to mention the punishment that is awaiting her in the hereafter if she doesn't repent for her wrong doing...ffended: That is was worse than a light disciplinary hit from her husband...

And lets no forget that it is the wife who is wrong in this case. When she is doing something really wrong, it is the husbands duty to discipline her... that is good news for her because they don't need to get others involved.

But what happens when the husband is wrong? You have to get others involved and embarrass him in front of them by getting them involved in the case.

 

[tomtomsmom]

How can it not be justified when Allah swt himself justified in the Quran?

When it comes to issues like this, people tend to put their emotions first (I'm not referring to anyone here in specific). Allah isn't talking about male dominance or abuse... If anything this law is a protection for women because of the steps in place and the fact that it doesn't allow the husband to hurt his wife. Not to mention the punishment that is awaiting her in the hereafter if she doesn't repent for her wrong doing...ffended: That is was worse than a light disciplinary hit from her husband...

And lets no forget that it is the wife who is wrong in this case. When she is doing something really wrong, it is the husbands duty to discipline her... that is good news for her because they don't need to get others involved.

But what happens when the husband is wrong? You have to get others involved and embarrass him in front of them by getting them involved in the case.

Although you aren't talking about anyone in particular I feel as if I should say something. Yes I do put my emotions first. I am an emotional type of person. Saying that, I can also see how it is a protection for us women. It says "lightly" which for me translates that it should be hard enough to get her attention but soft enough to not hurt her.
Though I know you didn't mean it, I take offense to the thought that my husband it there to "discipline" me. He is not my father nor my creator. We are equals in our marriage. There never has been or ever will be any sort of discipline between the two of us. If I am doing something he doesn't approve of then he can speak to me about it as an adult. Do not treat me as if I am a child that needs to be scorned. As far as when the husband is in the wrong I see no need to get others involved. That is a personal matter between the two of you. A woman should be able to talk to her husband openly about what she is feeling and what is making her unhappy.
My husband knew before we were married that I am headstrong and stubborn and that I speak my mind freely if there is something I want to say. He says that is part of the reason he married me. He loves the fact that I am not meak or easily intimidated. It gives him a challenge!

 

[Umar001]

Although you aren't talking about anyone in particular I feel as if I should say something. Yes I do put my emotions first. I am an emotional type of person. Saying that, I can also see how it is a protection for us women. It says "lightly" which for me translates that it should be hard enough to get her attention but soft enough to not hurt her.
Though I know you didn't mean it, I take offense to the thought that my husband it there to "discipline" me. He is not my father nor my creator. We are equals in our marriage. There never has been or ever will be any sort of discipline between the two of us. If I am doing something he doesn't approve of then he can speak to me about it as an adult. Do not treat me as if I am a child that needs to be scorned. As far as when the husband is in the wrong I see no need to get others involved. That is a personal matter between the two of you. A woman should be able to talk to her husband openly about what she is feeling and what is making her unhappy.
My husband knew before we were married that I am headstrong and stubborn and that I speak my mind freely if there is something I want to say. He says that is part of the reason he married me. He loves the fact that I am not meak or easily intimidated. It gives him a challenge!

So you don't think there is a head of the house, but there are heads of the house?

 

[tomtomsmom]

So you don't think there is a head of the house, but there are heads of the house?

In some households a "head of the house" works. For me it does not. I have my srenghts and weaknesses as does my husband. What I am strong at I handle, and what he is strong at he handles. It is a joint effort between the two of us to run the household. That is what works best for our family. I am by no means saying that if it doesn't work for someone else they should do it anyway. Each family unit has to find out what works best for them.

 

[chris4336]

Hey Tomtomsmom,

I understand your point exactly. I don't think its about discipline. The Quran instructs for first discuss the issue with his wife, then to separate himself from her. So its absolutely the same idea you had. But if that is not working and your wife still is acting really bad, and the only choice you really have left is divorce, you can hit her lightly. Maybe the hit will bring her to her senses - but maybe not and if not then he should get a divorce or go to some kind of 3rd party arbitrator or something.

But I think talking and communication between spouses is always encouraged in Islam - this is kind of a "last resort" step. And remember - the Prophet never even used it.

I think its also important to remember that no one really knows the true reason behind this permission. I might think its to protect women from harsher physical abuse, but others might think its about controlling a wife. No one really knows though.

 

[Umar001]

Interesting.

 

[tomtomsmom]

Hey Tomtomsmom,

I understand your point exactly. I don't think its about discipline. The Quran instructs for first discuss the issue with his wife, then to separate himself from her. So its absolutely the same idea you had. But if that is not working and your wife still is acting really bad, and the only choice you really have left is divorce, you can hit her lightly. Maybe the hit will bring her to her senses - but maybe not and if not then he should get a divorce or go to some kind of 3rd party arbitrator or something.

But I think talking and communication between spouses is always encouraged in Islam - this is kind of a "last resort" step. And remember - the Prophet never even used it.

I think its also important to remember that no one really knows the true reason behind this permission. I might think its to protect women from harsher physical abuse, but others might think its about controlling a wife. No one really knows though.

See my husband knows that hitting me will be of no help. It would only anger me more and I am very likely to fly off the handle and hit him back as I did in the previous abusive releationship I mentioned. When the police came they threatened to arrest me because he was hurt more than I was.
My husband was taught by his mother that even though it is allowed in the Quran to hit his wife if they were having problems that for most women it wasn't the way to get through to them.
But I guess for us this is a mute point because I take my marriage very seriously. In every action I take my husband is always in the back of my mind. I live everyday to make our family stronger. I never want to make him unhappy and adjust my actions accordingly, as does he. Sure we fight, don't get me wrong. But we never speak to each other with anger in our hearts. If there is something we are angry about we simply don't speak to each other untill it is gone. Then once we have both calmed down we talk to each other and work things out in a peaceful way. In the long run it always strengthens our relationship becasue when we talk calmly about things we can see the other point of view.

 

[chris4336]

Yes, I agree, then your husband would surely not want to use this "light hit" in your relationship.

It sounds like you have a really strong relationship, and you both care for each other a lot.

Best of Luck to you!

 

[tomtomsmom]

thanks sis!

 

[zanjabeela]

How can it not be justified when Allah swt himself justified in the Quran?

When I said...

They are quite confident that they did not raise us in a way where a light beating would ever be necessary or justified. lol God knows if their confidence is misplaced.

...I was not at all saying that Qur'anic injunction is unjustified. I am saying that I was raised in a way to (inshaAllah) know where my boundaries are in a marital relationship, that they raised me to give my husband the respect he deserves and not step over the line where a light beating would be necessary to bring me to my senses.

In other words, if a man would ever hit me, it would be highly unlikely to be justified, and would more likely fall in the category of abuse rather than the category of Qur'anically justified...because inshaAllah I do know where to stop.

InshaAllah, what I said earlier makes more sense now...

 

[BlissfullyJaded]

The first step is to verbally chastise the wife in a gentle and wise manner, not to hit her. Therefore, I'm pretty sure that if zanjabeela were to be in the wrong, and he said so in a gentle manner, she'd take heed. So there would be no need for the hitting. If he resorted to hitting at that point, it would be un Islamic...

 

[YusufNoor]

A`udhu Billahi mina Shaytanir Rajeem,

Bismillahir Rahmanir Raheem

Assalamu 'alaykum,

to add, albeit nervously, a different perspective: there are/were times and places, like waaay back in the 8th Century CE that it was permissable for a man to marry women as young as, well...REAL young, pre-teenage-ish. i tend to think that we are talking about a mild slap to the bottom MORE than anything and only as an "i'm real serious" type or "you better NOT do that again" manner.

IF i remember correctly, and MAYBE it's just old age, but i either read or heard that A'isha(ra) was the recipient on one,JUST one of these. i've scanned one of the books i just finished and didn't see it there, it might be in another or maybe it was in one of the lectures that i heard.

it kinda sorta makes a little sense that way...[as in hitting a woman makes very little, if not just plain no sense]

just my take though...