needing your help...yup...YOURS

[Sabbir_1]

anyways...i need you guys' help...this is how you may help me...imagine your day in iraq/palestine...give me as much details as you can and give me 'a day in the life of a palestinian/iraqi kid/person'...

nice peom. hope you win the competition.. need to add some rhmyes though....

Talk about growing up in iraq/ palestine.. hows it's like.. what they see daily. e.g. palestine.. seeing houses gettin bulldozed by the jews, there lands being taken away from them...friends being killed...in iraq seeing suicide bombing daily.

 

[The Ruler]

I like the cocoon of hope, which one day will turn in a butterfly and will fly free Its highly poetic.

nice...i thought of exactly that...but it kinda didnt fit in...ima try again though

bro mazed, nice poetry, i'll try to entwine them in my poem insha'allah...but im not sure the lines will stay the same though :hmm:

You can't ask for my help can you? I believe we're at war against terrorists to create a better standard of life for muslims in Iraq. To give them freedom. Muslims, however, believe differently

oh, is that so...then why dont they try and fix up the shanti towns in brazil first ^o)

 

[England]

nice...i thought of exactly that...but it kinda didnt fit in...ima try again though

bro mazed, nice poetry, i'll try to entwine them in my poem insha'allah...but im not sure the lines will stay the same though :hmm:



oh, is that so...then why dont they try and fix up the shanti towns in brazil first ^o)

Because we didn't oust a dictator that killed hundreds of thousands of people for no reason at all in Brazil. By getting rid of the dictator Blair/Bush feels it is our duty to rebuild Iraq. I myself support the fact we got rid of Saddam, one dictator gone, but I feel we should leave the Iraqis to clean up the mess themselves.
I myself don't care about Iraq or its people. I believe we should let them rebuild their lives alone and we should concentrate on our country. We are the ones that matter.

 

[S_87]

You can't ask for my help can you? I believe we're at war against terrorists to create a better standard of life for muslims in Iraq. To give them freedom. Muslims, however, believe differently. Muslims believe we are in Iraq to wipe out muslims. Our troops are thought to be "the crusades." Therefore my reason for war is incompatible to your poem.

after reading the poem and who is supposed to be from i think youve seen it different. this is about a kid/person who will wake up in the morning to see destruction around him. who will have lost family members. why theres a war isnt of relevance to this poem its more what the war has done to the regular people..so yes you CAN help by writing your reflection on how youd feel seeing destruction and killing around you yet not understanding exactly why.

 

[- Qatada -]

:salamext:


Please don't go offtopic. Thanks.

 

[Abdul Fattah]

It sounds better :happy:



T'WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS, HE LIVED ALL ALONE,

IN A ONE BEDROOM HOUSE MADE OF PLASTER AND STONE.

I HAD COME DOWN THE CHIMNEY, WITH PRESENTS TO GIVE,

AND TO SEE JUST WHO, IN THIS HOME, DID LIVE?



I LOOKED ALL ABOUT, A STRANGE SIGHT I DID SEE,

NO TINSEL, NO PRESENTS, NOT EVEN A TREE.

NO STOCKING BY MANTLE, JUST BOOTS FILLED WITH SAND,

ON THE WALL HUNG PICTURES, OF FAR DISTANT LANDS.



WITH MEDALS AND BADGES, AWARDS OF ALL KINDS,

A SOBER THOUGHT, CAME THROUGH MY MIND.

FOR THIS HOUSE WAS DIFFERENT, IT WAS DARK AND DREARY,

I FOUND THE HOME OF A SOLDIER, ONCE I COULD SEE CLEARLY.



THE SOLDIER LAY SLEEPING, SILENT, ALONE,

CURLED UP ON THE FLOOR, IN THIS ONE BEDROOM HOME.

THE FACE WAS SO GENTLE, THE ROOM IN DISORDER,

NOT HOW I PICTURED, A BRITISH SOLDIER.



WAS THIS THE HERO, OF WHOM I'D JUST READ?

CURLED UP ON A PONCHO, THE FLOOR FOR A BED?

I REALIZED THE FAMILIES, THAT I SAW THIS NIGHT,

OWED THEIR LIVES TO THESE SOLDIERS, WHO WERE WILLING TO FIGHT.




SOON ROUND THE WORLD, THE CHILDREN WOULD PLAY,

AND GROWNUPS WOULD CELEBRATE A BRIGHT CHRISTMAS DAY.

THEY ALL ENJOYED FREEDOM, EACH MONTH OF THE YEAR,

BECAUSE OF THE SOLDIERS LIKE THE ONE LYING HERE.



I COULDN'T HELP WONDER, HOW MANY LAY ALONE,

ON A COLD CHRISTMAS EVE, IN A LAND FAR FROM HOME.

THE VERY THOUGHT BROUGHT, A TEAR TO MY EYE,

I DROPPED TO MY KNEES, AND STARTED TO CRY.



THE SOLDIER AWAKENED, AND I HEARD A ROUGH VOICE,

"SANTA, DON'T CRY,THIS LIFE IS MY CHOICE;

I FIGHT FOR FREEDOM; I DON'T ASK FOR MORE,

MY LIFE IS MY GOD, MY COUNTRY, MY CORPS."



THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, AND DRIFTED TO SLEEP,

I COULDN'T CONTROL IT, I CONTINUED TO WEEP.

I KEPT WATCH FOR HOURS, SO SILENT AND STILL,

AND WE BOTH SHIVERED THERE, FROM THE COLD NIGHT'S CHILL.



I DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE, ON THAT COLD, DARK, NIGHT,

THIS GUARDIAN OF HONOUR, SO WILLING TO FIGHT.

THEN THE SOLDIER ROLLED OVER, WITH A VOICE SOFT AND PURE,

WHISPERED, CARRY ON SANTA, ITS CHRISTMAS DAY, ALL IS SECURE."



ONE LOOK AT MY WATCH, AND I KNEW HE WAS RIGHT.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS MY FRIEND, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT."

No offence England, but even though I acknowledge you have some talent in poetry I don't like your poem at all since it reaffirms the deceitful indoctrination by certain governments that the wars in the middle east are fights to defend freedom. So this glorification of soldiers who in reality are doing the dirty work of corrupt and power-hungry governments could next to being politically incorrect perhaps even be found offensive by some.

 

[Umar001]

Here's an adaptation of a song I done which would fit into your poem so you can take it all or snip bits and then compile it with what you have IF YOU WANT;



My pretty eyes teary,
Weary,
Seen too much human sacrafise clearly,
Nearly,
Commited suicide 'till I realised this ain't the final place we reside,

But I sit and face human lives
Been disgrace by my side,
Does erase trace of morals in my mind,
Give me my rights!

Have you ever had to extend your hand,
Grab stones to defend your aging mother or father,
If you'd see what I see daily clearly you'd shatter,

Yet I only fight in defense,
With stones in my hands,
But why or why do you not cry at this?
Kids fighting tanks with stones and their known as terrorist?

 

[England]

No offence England, but even though I acknowledge you have some talent in poetry I don't like your poem at all since it reaffirms the deceitful indoctrination by certain governments that the wars in the middle east are fights to defend freedom. So this glorification of soldiers who in reality are doing the dirty work of corrupt and power-hungry governments could next to being politically incorrect perhaps even be found offensive by some.

It's not mine. What makes it even better is that it is a British soldier in a warzone overseas that actually thought of and made that up.

 

[The Ruler]

I myself don't care about Iraq or its people. I believe we should let them rebuild their lives alone and we should concentrate on our country

you know what that reminds me of?...annoying brats that just mess things up and leave it to the others...*cough*siblings*cough*...but hey, you get the point...and besides ^that is off-topic...just thought i'd contribute to your off-topic-ness.

right...thank you bro Habeshi...oh and by the way...the spelling's committed ...just doing my job :thumbs_up...now my work for next week is to compile the poem and then post it again...and then recieve comments...

thanks to all that contributed...:thumbs_up

 

[The Ruler]

second draft:

A shattered world
The earth desiccated and barren
Smoulder clogging my nostrils; my senses
The sickening resonance of gunfire
The constant humming of machinery
The deafening cry of the missiles
Yes, that is the sweet tune they sing.

I remember the days of smiles,
Days of laughter and cries
Now overflowing with hushed stillness

I sit in a corner; amidst mist where shots pass
My misty eyes teary, fatigued;
Perceived too much of human sacrifice
Have you ever had to extend your hand?
Seize stones to protect your beloved?
If my eyes were yours,
Clearly, you’d shatter

Yet I only struggle in defence
With stones in my hands
It is perpetual

Fear grips my heart
Never to let go
But even in this fear gripped spirit of mine,
Subsists a guiding glow
A cocoon of hope
Soon to metamorphose into a vibrant, simmering butterfly
And fly without restraint; without fear​

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

^ mashaAllah that smashed it :salamext:

 

[strider]

It's nice, but read it aloud. IMO, it doesn't flow so fluently.

 

[zircon]

salam, if i am in palestine i would rather get frustated with the checkpoints i've to go through everyday, it makes palestinian prisoners in their own land. and of course... the gigantic, restricting wall. what else.. there's too many to describe.. wish you all the best though..

 

[Tania]

Soon to metamorphose into a vibrant, simmering butterfly
And fly without restraint; without fear
....
behind the checkpoints where in the night pregnant women are crying.... You could continue the poem saying about the women from the thread posted here about women which prefer to live and give birth like in the time of virgin Mary because they can't pass in the night through the checkpoints.

the butterfly has a short life so you could end the poem with...short freedom because the checkpoints are still there cutting down the dream of palestinian land

 

[The Ruler]

It's nice, but read it aloud. IMO, it doesn't flow so fluently.

i still have to work on the punctuation etc...and still do it up proper...it is due in till next week monday...so i'm gonna make my tutor read it too.
its pobably due to the punctuation that it doesnt make sense...sis, could you please point ou the places where it desnt make sense or doesnt really flow fluently...i'd really appreciate that :thumbs_up

behind the checkpoints where in the night pregnant women are crying.... You could continue the poem saying about the women from the thread posted here about women which prefer to live and give birth like in the time of virgin Mary because they can't pass in the night through the checkpoints.

the butterfly has a short life so you could end the poem with...short freedom because the checkpoints are still there cutting down the dream of palestinian land

im kinda confused, because this poem is supposed to point out a day in a kids life sis ...and about the short freedom...well...i am planning of freedon forever :thumbs_up

makes sense?

 

[Tania]

im kinda confused, because this poem is supposed to point out a day in a kids life sis ...and about the short freedom...well...i am planning of freedon forever :thumbs_up

makes sense?

Forget the women. Still you could point out the checkpoints because even to a child they are scarry.

 

[Umar001]

I think we need to keep in mind that most of us know pieces on their own so when we see them in the draft we think 'argh that aint right' but I think the second draft was ok. there is a clear switch of tone I think but I dont know if thats just because I have seen it come together.

Maybe what you should do sister is try to keep it constant so it seems like all one piece.

I think

 

[The Ruler]

the poem with punctuation and a different structured ending...i also named it 'the reflection'...if you would like to suggest any other name...please do so

The reflection​

I gaze into a picture;

one of a little girl; all alone…
I am sucked into it; as fluid in a straw.​

In A shattered world I stand-
the earth desiccated and barren,
smoke clogging my nostrils; my senses.
The sickening resonance of gunfire,
The constant humming of machinery,
The deafening cry of the missiles…
Yes, that is the sweet tune they sing.​

I remember the days of smiles,
days of laughter and cries-
now overflowing with hushed stillness.​

I sit in a corner; amidst shadows where shots pass,
my misty eyes teary, fatigued;
perceived too much of human sacrifice.
Have you ever had to extend your hand?
Seize stones to protect your beloved?
If my eyes were yours,
Clearly, you’d shatter.​

Yet, I only struggle in defence;
with stones in my hands;
it is perpetual.​

As I stare into the picture,​

fear grips my heart; never to let go-
But even in this fear gripped spirit of mine,
subsists a guiding glow…
…A cocoon of hope
Soon to metamorphose into a vibrant, simmering butterfly
and fly without restraint; without fear.
​

​

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

:salamext:

 

[The Ruler]

niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiice

makes sense :?

i hope ...and due to soem faults, i couldn't really show the structure of the last stanza :hmm:...is there anyway that can...because i cannot use the 'tab' button...i think that's what its called :hmm: