A Child’s Difficult Questions

[- Qatada -]

:salamext:

A Child’s Difficult Questions
| Sheikh Khâlid Husayn|


As small school-age children grow and learn about the world around them, they become keenly interested in strange words whose meanings are unfamiliar to them. They start asking more and more difficult and embarrassing questions, especially if they feel that the answers to those questions will open doors to new and unexplored worlds hitherto unknown to them.

One of the awkward questions commonly asked in Muslim societies is: Why do only married women have children?

We will be returning to this question later on, after discussing the various strategies that parents use to deal with such questions.



Bad strategies – what not to do:

The discomfort that mothers and fathers feel when confronted with such questions varies from parent to parent. Some parents resort to lies in order to avoid having to explain certain sensitive issues. However, such lies rarely satisfy the child’s curiosity. Indeed, they often cause the child to seek out the correct answer with greater enthusiasm – and from whatever sources they can find.

This zeal to know the answer can make the child vulnerable to bad influences among his peers, some of whom will be more than happy to provide him with answers to all of the questions that come into his head. It should be obvious to everyone how dangerous that is.

Other parents try a different strategy. They rebuke the child for asking about such things and try to intimidate the child into avoiding such questions in the future. This, of course, only makes the child more determined than ever to find out the answer. He will do whatever he can to learn this “forbidden knowledge”. This is human nature. We are all curious, and what is forbidden to us is often all the more intriguing because of it.

This strategy is very misguided. Obviously, the child will now simply hide his interest in the matter from his parents. Moreover, his parents’ treatment of him and his question will most probably injure his self-esteem. He will feel insufficient and unimportant. This will make it more likely for him to behave in an improper manner.



A good strategy:

The best strategy is to answer the child in the simplest and most tactful manner possible – but honestly and directly and without beating around the bush.



Applying this strategy:

Let us return to our example: “Why do only married women have children?”

Following our strategy of tactful honesty, we might give the following answer:

“My child. A woman by herself is not able to have children. A man is needed who will marry her and who will help her to have children. Allah has ordered this and we have to obey Allah. We have to listen to Allah even more than we have to listen to our parents. You know that when mommy and daddy tell you not to do something or tell you that you cannot lift something by yourself, you have to listen. Right? Well Allah has ordered men and women to get married if they want to have children and we must all listen to Allah.”

(Of course, the exact answer will vary depending on the child’s particular environment.)

In this way, a parent can give an honest answer that is at the same time tactful as well as satisfying to the child. The answer is honest and free of lies. The child is not scolded; rather his question is received with respect and consideration. The child feels he has learned something and has self-esteem. All of this will help the child in his future development.


Source
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[FatimaAsSideqah]

brother of Islam

MashAllah for increase knowledge from Allah Ta'ala! JakahAllah Khair for the good post!

May Allah Ta'ala reward on you for that!



Sister of Islam

 

[Snowflake]

Thanks for this post brother. This post has given me the cue to ask a question that's been on my mind for some time now. My son is nine now mashaAllah. He asks questions like, where babies comes from etc and even child birth.

The first part was easy as I simply said Allah puts them in the mummy's tummy and then when its ready to come into the world, the doctors operate and take it out.

But then he said, "How could that be? Because how did man operate when there were no knives? :uuh:

Silly me was stuck, so I said they used sharp flint stones lol :hiding:

He said, he didn't believe it as he saw a cartoon once where a woman had a baby and there was no cut on her tummy. :eek

I said that's how it's done and cartoons don't show graphic images like operations.

I'm not sure he was convinced by my reply and I'm sure it'll come up again.
I don't want him to find out from school sex education videos, or hear stories from school friends that mix facts with lies and also put wrong things in his head, like making him curious about such things.

So should I tell him the facts in a matter-of-fact way and at the same time explain that sex is forbidden outside of marriage etc etc... Or should I leave it until he's older - by which time God knows what he'll have heard? :-\

Any suggestions please? Have any other parents been through this phase and how did you handle it?

 

[The Ruler]

So should I tell him the facts in a matter-of-fact way and at the same time explain that sex is forbidden outside of marriage etc etc... Or should I leave it until he's older - by which time God knows what he'll have heard? :-\

Any suggestions please? Have any other parents been through this phase and how did you handle it?

when i first started at a state school, i was in year 9, and since my dad knew that they taught sex education there, he and my mum took me to a room were he explained that not everything that they teach there is true...and somethings that they teach wont always go with islam. he said that if i had any questions, i should ask mum...and that way, whenever we had PSHE, i always remembered that and never took things simply as they came my way. i always questioned...not to my mum ofcourse...but to muslim friends etc.

i dont know if that helps...but it might come in handy :thumbs_up

 

[siFilam]

:salamext:

Thanks for this post brother. This post has given me the cue to ask a question that's been on my mind for some time now. My son is nine now mashaAllah. He asks questions like, where babies comes from etc and even child birth.

The first part was easy as I simply said Allah puts them in the mummy's tummy and then when its ready to come into the world, the doctors operate and take it out.

But then he said, "How could that be? Because how did man operate when there were no knives? :uuh:

Silly me was stuck, so I said they used sharp flint stones lol :hiding:

He said, he didn't believe it as he saw a cartoon once where a woman had a baby and there was no cut on her tummy. :eek

I said that's how it's done and cartoons don't show graphic images like operations.

I'm not sure he was convinced by my reply and I'm sure it'll come up again.
I don't want him to find out from school sex education videos, or hear stories from school friends that mix facts with lies and also put wrong things in his head, like making him curious about such things.

So should I tell him the facts in a matter-of-fact way and at the same time explain that sex is forbidden outside of marriage etc etc... Or should I leave it until he's older - by which time God knows what he'll have heard? :-\

Any suggestions please? Have any other parents been through this phase and how did you handle it?

I don't have any kids but I do have a 11 yr old sister who brings all her questions to me. I think you should try to figure out where your son is learning these things from. The reason I say this is b/c if he's asking these questions rite now, Allah only knows what else he is learning. so if u can figure the source of the problem and take care of it than maybe by Allah's will there won't any further problems like this.
Please don't be offended by my advice sister. Please forgive me if my comment offends in any way.

wasalam
-SI-

 

[Snowflake]

^That's a good tip sis.. to ask me any questions he might have. Your parents sound great mashaAllah!

 

[Snowflake]

:salamext:


I don't have any kids but I do have a 11 yr old sister who brings all her questions to me. I think you should try to figure out where your son is learning these things from. The reason I say this is b/c if he's asking these questions rite now, Allah only knows what else he is learning. so if u can figure the source of the problem and take care of it than maybe by Allah's will there won't any further problems like this.
Please don't be offended by my advice sister. Please forgive me if my comment offends in any way.

wasalam
-SI-

These things are all around us sis. I told my son myself that he came from my tummy. I didn't see anything wrong with that as it's a fact and it didn't imply anything about how he got there. I told him this as part of creating his awareness of Allah subhana wa ta'ala's miracle and power.. of how He creates a humanbeing out of another.


Anyhow, my sis-in-law is expecting right now and another relative has just had a baby. Thier kids also know they are/were carrying babies. I don't see anything wrong with a kid knowing that much.

I don't have a problem with my son knowing the facts. I just want my son to get the facts from me - rather than some know-it-all at school who makes the whole affair look like it's something kids should be doing. But I can only tell him what is prohibited and what, if he knows what I am talking about.

I also feel that as a child's sense of shame hasn't developed yet, they take it as just another fact of life without making a big deal out of it. I think it's somehow safer they know before their hormones kick in rather than later.


It's funny that now I actually brought it into the open, it seems as if it won't be such a huge task after all. Still it'd be nice to hear of other people's experiences or thoughts.

 

[siFilam]

:salamext:

These things are all around us sis. I told my son myself that he came from my tummy. I didn't see anything wrong with that as it's a fact and it didn't imply anything about how he got there. I told him this as part of creating his awareness of Allah subhana wa ta'ala's miracle and power.. of how He creates a humanbeing out of another.


Anyhow, my sis-in-law is expecting right now and another relative has just had a baby. Thier kids also know they are/were carrying babies. I don't see anything wrong with a kid knowing that much.

I don't have a problem with my son knowing the facts. I just want my son to get the facts from me - rather than some know-it-all at school who makes the whole affair look like it's something kids should be doing. But I can only tell him what is prohibited and what, if he knows what I am talking about.

I also feel that as a child's sense of shame hasn't developed yet, they take it as just another fact of life without making a big deal out of it. I think it's somehow safer they know before their hormones kick in rather than later.


It's funny that now I actually brought it into the open, it seems as if it won't be such a huge task after all. Still it'd be nice to hear of other people's experiences or thoughts.

Just my thoughts sis, hope I didn't upset you with my comments. it just scares me how much the kids here learn at such young age, I'm not talking abt ur son, I'm speaking from my experience attending public school in America. Their sense of shame is destroyed even before the development begins. May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

wasalam
-SI-

 

[- Qatada -]

:salamext:


I don't want to go into the whole concept of it, but the only way i kind of understood was when i saw a wild life program when i was small. And the mother animal gave birth to its child. Then later on it was much easier to understand that humans were in a way similar.

I think due to society nowadays, a child will understand at a much younger age anyway, compared to a few years ago.

 

[Snowflake]

:salamext:


Just my thoughts sis, hope I didn't upset you with my comments. it just scares me how much the kids here learn at such young age, I'm not talking abt ur son, I'm speaking from my experience attending public school in America.

wasalam
-SI-

lol no sis, why do you think you upset me. You didn't at all.

It is scary but it's it's sign of the times. Everything is happening so fast. I remember being quiet dumb at that age. I mean I don't ever remembering wondering where babies came from and all that. And have you noticed how kids nowadays talk to grown-up? lol, t's like they were born before us!! :enough!:

Their sense of shame is destroyed even before the development begins. May Allah make it easy for you. Ameen.

So true. That's what I want to preserve in my son by telling him the facts and then explaining that such things are forbidden for muslim outside of marriage. I am scared to death that I'll fail and not be able to raise my son properly. Me and his dad are divorced and he goes to stay with him at weekends and holidays. May Allah forgive me. I don't mean to slander his father, but his being with him is causing me concern as he isn't very vigilant about such things and allows my son to watch all kinds of TV and play over 18 x-box games. Please don't tell me to talk to him. I've done that again & again but it doesn't sink in. If I stop my son from seeing his dad, he will go against me. He already loves his dad more than me I feel. That's because I'm stricter in many ways.

 

[Snowflake]

:salamext:


I don't want to go into the whole concept of it, but the only way i kind of understood was when i saw a wild life program when i was small. And the mother animal gave birth to its child. Then later on it was much easier to understand that humans were in a way similar.

I think due to society nowadays, a child will understand at a much younger age anyway, compared to a few years ago.

Yes, I agree things have changed. Children are more aware than ever of stuff that went unnoticed by ourselves. Perhaps a wild-life program might be a good idea to initiate the topic with. Or perhaps even better to explain in a biological sort of way, i.e. just explain the reproductive system of humans along with islamic prohibitions and permissabilities.

 

[Al_Imaan]

that's a good post...Jazak Allah

 

[ummzayd]

assalamu alaikum sister

please don't take this the wrong way, but my heart sank when I read this:


"The first part was easy as I simply said Allah puts them in the mummy's tummy and then when its ready to come into the world, the doctors operate and take it out.

"But then he said, "How could that be? Because how did man operate when there were no knives? :uuh:

"Silly me was stuck, so I said they used sharp flint stones lol :hiding:

"He said, he didn't believe it as he saw a cartoon once where a woman had a baby and there was no cut on her tummy. :eek

I said that's how it's done and cartoons don't show graphic images like operations. ""

because one day, maybe soon (especially if he asks his dad these questions too) your son WILL know that this is not correct, and he may lose trust in you. it's important, actually it's vitally important, that children know you will always answer their questions honestly. you don't have to go into details they are often satisfied with a simplified answer.

My son is 8 and he knows that in his case his birth was an operation, however in most cases the baby comes out of another place. his initial reaction was 'ugh' but he didn't ask any more questions, I assume because his curiosity was satisfied and he just didn't think about it any more. by being evasive or telling him a little fib, the child can become puzzled and even more curious!

hope you don't mind me mentioning this! I know how hard it can be, and your situation sounds difficult, may Allah swt give you strength.

wassalam from your sister Ummzayd

 

[Snowflake]

because one day, maybe soon (especially if he asks his dad these questions too) your son WILL know that this is not correct, and he may lose trust in you. it's important, actually it's vitally important, that children know you will always answer their questions honestly. you don't have to go into details they are often satisfied with a simplified answer.

I don't see what's wrong with what I said. After all they don't show graphic images in cartoons. He knows a baby grows in it's mummies tummy, I never said it pops out of her ear or anything as misleading as that. I've told him docs do a c-section, which is the truth in some cases. And he will learn the details later. I don't think keeping something like that will make my son lose trust in me. As a mother I try to inform him according to his understanding. If he ever asks why I didn't tell him the whole truth before, I will simply say, "You were too young to understand, but now you're older I've told you."
Job done!

hope you don't mind me mentioning this! I know how hard it can be, and your situation sounds difficult, may Allah swt give you strength.

Trust me there's nothing difficult about it, just a tad embarrassing. I haven't told him yet. I think I will know instinctively when it's the right time to do so. InshaAllah.

 

[tomtomsmom]

My son is 6, and tends to ask very hard questions. Where do babies come from, which cloud does God live on, why is it raining, where do dead people go, why do I have two dads?

The standard "I will tell you when you are older" doesn't work for him. I have to figure out a way to explain it to him in a 6 year old way. I break things down to the easiest possible. Then the next time he asks I remind him of what I told him before and then add a little bit to it.

Now if I could just get my mom to stop telling him that chocolate milk comes from brown cows............

 

[noahs_arc]

inshallah i'll tell my kids what my mum told me.

an angel put it in there and it came out the belly button lol hmm..

 

[noahs_arc]

Yes, I agree things have changed. Children are more aware than ever of stuff that went unnoticed by ourselves. Perhaps a wild-life program might be a good idea to initiate the topic with. Or perhaps even better to explain in a biological sort of way, i.e. just explain the reproductive system of humans along with islamic prohibitions and permissabilities.

when we were kids and a bit unaware we were scared to ask so 6 of us sat infront of a computer and saw a giraffe give birth. allhumdulilah for the giraffe quite gross for us when we was only 9. i'd perfer my mum told me but i'd be nervous with the whole let's have the 'puberty type' talk. even now and im 19! lol

 

[Snowflake]

^I think it was better watching a giraffe rather than woman. I remember watching a birthing vid in school and to be honest I don't remember thinking about it afterwards at all. Perhaps I wasn't paying attention. I couldn't have been since even at 12 I thought 'virgin' was a star sign! So school S.E. lessons are pretty useless. I agree, the best way is for the parent(s) to explain.

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Errr I just watched a video on birth in my Bio class at college....well lets just say I was mostly looking away while everyone was staring ;D lol. Ughh I cant watch that stuff +o( I feel awkward if my just mentions the "s" word >.<.

JazakAllah Khair for the post btw

 

[Snowflake]

Errr I just watched a video on birth in my Bio class at college....well lets just say I was mostly looking away while everyone was staring ;D lol. Ughh I cant watch that stuff +o( I feel awkward if my just mentions the "s" word >.<.
JazakAllah Khair for the post btw

How embarrassing! We watched it in Junior school! ffended:


Btw, who's 'just'? ;D