Scientific Jokes.

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Encolpius

Encolpius

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If you get any of these you are probably a colossal nerd.

1. An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are locked into separate rooms with just a tin can in each of the rooms and given three hours to get it open by any means necessary, for therein is the key.

First out's the engineer, who, when asked how he did it, said that it was fairly easy - he just beat the can against a wall until it reached its failure point, split, and allowed him to ferret out the key.

Second's the physicist, who, when asked how he did it, said he studied the can and analysed it from all directions. Then he simply applied the right force in the right place and the lid flew off, and he was done.

But after three hours, the mathematician's still in there, so the other two go to check on him to see if he's okay. Which, thankfully, he is, but he's just staring at the can and chanting at it, "Assume the can is open... assume the can is open..."

2. Acetic Acid and Muriatic Acid meet in a bar and start talking and Muriatic Acid asks Acetic Acid if they should go to this new club that's just opened in town.

"I'd best not," says Acetic, "I'm fairly weak and I'm a bit worried about getting into fights."

"Don't worry," says Muriatic, "I'll protect you, I'm one of the five strong acids, so just stick with me if it all kicks off."

So off they trot and get in no problem and Acetic and Muriatic are having a whale of a time until Sodium Hydroxide stomps through the door.

"Ulp," says Muriatic Acid as Sodium Hydroxide notices him and they begin to react violently, while Acetic Acid and the others hide under tables and in the toilets and things. When it's all over, Acetic Acid comes out and asks one of the club's staff to contact the police.

"No point," says the staffer, "it's just water passing under the bridge now... ancient history. They'll not do anything."

"Just water???" says Acetic, pointing at the remains of Muriatic and Sodium Hydroxide. "But... that was assault!"

3. A neutron walks into a bar and the barkeep says, "For you, sir, no charge."

4. Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street when one says to the other, "You know, I feel funny. I think I've lost an electron."

"You sure?" says the other.

"Absolutely, I'm positive!"
 
ok i kinda understood the last 1, the first one i didnt understand the rest i didnt bother reading lol got a headache
 
Alpha Dude said:
:sl:
Only got 3 and 4 :hmm:
Click to expand...

Well, the first one is a pun on stereotypes of academics in those fields.

And the second one is something that's amusing if you know that

HCl + NaOH => NaCl + H2O

or, in layman's terms, hydrochloric (muriatic) acid + sodium hydroxide => water + common salt.

Here's a civil engineering joke on the same style:

5. A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac meet in a bar.

"Hello there," says black tarmac, "What are you?"

"I," says the red tarmac, "am a bus lane. What are you?"

"I," says the black tarmac, "am a road. Tell me, how do you fancy going to that new club in town?"

"Well, I dunno," says bus lane. "I've heard it's a bit rough and I'm only a soft top, so..."

"Don't worry," says road. "I'm a hard case, I'll protect you."

So off they go and have a ball for a while until three bits of green tarmac come in.

"Ulp," says road and hides under a table as the green tarmac bits start to beat every conceivable bodily fluid out of bus lane, then vanish. Bus lane approaches road afterward and says, "I though you said that you, as a hard case, would protect me!"

"Yes, I did," says road. "But you don't understand. Those bits of green tarmac are cycle paths!"
 
i only got the last 2.. but that doesn't make me a colossal nerd! :giggling:

thnx 4 sharin!

Peace
 
Assalamu'Alaykum

I hope you dont mind if I add on to your thread.



Rules of the Lab​

  1. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  2. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
  3. Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
  4. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
  5. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
  6. Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
  7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
  8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
  9. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
  10. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
  11. Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
  12. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
  13. No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O, (Water)
Was H2SO4. (Sulfuric Acid)


H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water​


Student referring to a glass of water:
"I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!"​


"They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge... I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it."​
​

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."​
 
Ra`eesah said:
Assalamu'Alaykum

I hope you dont mind if I add on to your thread.



Rules of the Lab​

  1. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
  2. When you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
  3. Experiments must be reproducible, they should fail the same way each time.
  4. First draw your curves, then plot your data.
  5. Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
  6. Always keep a record of your data. It indicates that you have been working.
  7. To do a lab really well, have your report done well in advance.
  8. If you can't get the answer in the usual manner, start at the answer and derive the question.
  9. In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
  10. Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
  11. Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
  12. All unmarked beakers contain fast-acting, extremely toxic poisons.
  13. No experiment is a complete failure. At least it can serve as a negative example. Any delicate and expensive piece of glassware will break before any use can be made of it.
Little Willie was a chemist.
Little Willie is no more.
For what he thought was H2O, (Water)
Was H2SO4. (Sulfuric Acid)


H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water​


Student referring to a glass of water:
"I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!"​


"They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...(picks up his glass of water from the stool)...I like to live on the edge... I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it."​
​

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist. "That's it, I can never remember that word."​
Click to expand...

Are you any good at maths, actually, because here's a mathematical joke that someone told me that I still don't really get...

x and e^x were walking down the street when they saw a derivative up ahead.

"Oh noes!" cried x, "I've got to get out of here, that derivative will be the end of me!" and runs off, fearing for his life.

"Ha," says e^x, "that derivative can't do anything to me, I'm e^x!"

So ex walks up to the derivative with a smug smile on his face and says, "Hi! I'm ex!"

The derivative smiles back and says, "Hi, I'm ∂ / ∂y!"
 
This is calculus, I found this I don’t know if it will help when I read its explanation it confused me even more.

d(e^x)/dy = 0, so e^x will be differentiated into oblivion (as he warned x^2, but presuming it would be a d/dx differential operator: d(x^2)/dx = 2x, d(2x)/dx = 2, d(2)/dx = 0, d(0)/dy = 0, etc.) instead of staying d(e^x)/dx = e^x, etc. NB also d(x^2)/dy = 0, so x^2 was right for running off in either case.
 
Ra`eesah said:
This is calculus, I found this I don’t know if it will help when I read its explanation it confused me even more.

d(e^x)/dy = 0, so e^x will be differentiated into oblivion (as he warned x^2, but presuming it would be a d/dx differential operator: d(x^2)/dx = 2x, d(2x)/dx = 2, d(2)/dx = 0, d(0)/dy = 0, etc.) instead of staying d(e^x)/dx = e^x, etc. NB also d(x^2)/dy = 0, so x^2 was right for running off in either case.
Click to expand...

I shoulda known that actually, I did calculus in Ad Maths, both differential and integral, but have since forgotten it all.

I think they killed GCSE Ad Maths after my year. Basically it was where they stuffed the first year of A-Level Maths into your GCSE year.
 
Oh gr8 so it did help btw I found the french version of that joke


C (constante) et exp(x) marchent dans la rue et voient un opérateur différentiel au loin...

"Fait attention, si tu croises un opérateur différentiel, tu peux arrêter d'exister!", dit C.

"J'ai pas peur des opérateurs différentiels moi!", dit exponentielle, confiant. "Ils me croisent, et rien ne m'arrive!"

"Si tu veux prendre le risque, vas-y...moi, je m'en vais"

C part et exp(x) continu, n'ayant peur de rien, assuré de ça survie. Il s'approche de l'opérateur différentiel et celui-ci dit :

"Bonjour! On m'appelle d/dy..."
 
Last edited:
Encolpius said:
Well, the first one is a pun on stereotypes of academics in those fields.

And the second one is something that's amusing if you know that

HCl + NaOH => NaCl + H2O

or, in layman's terms, hydrochloric (muriatic) acid + sodium hydroxide => water + common salt.
Click to expand...

yeah so when he said 'that's assault' it was a play on 'that's a salt'
 
Have to say the maths ones is so true!
Jus did a stats exam..all about the hypothesis, assumptions and negligible factors and theory..I have a headache..:muddlehea
 
Ra`eesah said:
Oh gr8 so it did help btw I found the french version of that joke


C (constante) et exp(x) marchent dans la rue et voient un opérateur différentiel au loin...

"Fait attention, si tu croises un opérateur différentiel, tu peux arrêter d'exister!", dit C.

"J'ai pas peur des opérateurs différentiels moi!", dit exponentielle, confiant. "Ils me croisent, et rien ne m'arrive!"

"Si tu veux prendre le risque, vas-y...moi, je m'en vais"

C part et exp(x) continu, n'ayant peur de rien, assuré de ça survie. Il s'approche de l'opérateur différentiel et celui-ci dit :

"Bonjour! On m'appelle d/dy..."
Click to expand...

Hahahaha, trés drole...

Musaafir - Yes, I feel your pain. I was examined for three hours this afternoon on French company law, in which I had the choice of writing a three-hour essay on the one part of the course that I hadn't managed to really understand, or writing a three-hour essay on a slightly less incomprehensible decision of the Cour de Cassation.

Still, the worst is yet to come... Droit administratif on Thursday.
 
I can never write anything for a whole three hours..maths is okay for three hours, coz you have different things to do, and you work in a logical order..but ESSAYS? For Biological essays, there's only a certain amount I can write! At least with literature or whatever, it's possible to make things up and make sense..prolonging the essay.
And Ra'eesa, it's been so long since I did derivatives..but I dunno if they're trying to play a pun on d/dy?
 
Musaafir said:
I can never write anything for a whole three hours..maths is okay for three hours, coz you have different things to do, and you work in a logical order..but ESSAYS? For Biological essays, there's only a certain amount I can write! At least with literature or whatever, it's possible to make things up and make sense..prolonging the essay.
And Ra'eesa, it's been so long since I did derivatives..but I dunno if they're trying to play a pun on d/dy?
Click to expand...

Well of course you're not writing for three hours solid, about half of that is planning it all out.
 
Beaudreaux done come home from college to his home in the Atchafalaya Basin in South Louisiana. As he approached his home in his pirogue, Papa Pierre done seen him and asked:

"Where yo done been gone at, Beaudreaux?"

Beaudreaux done answered " I is been gone to college"

Papa then asked "What you done learn at that fancy city school?"

Beaudreaux said "I had done studied mathematics"

Papa then asked "Say something in mathmatics son."

Beaudreaux proudly sat up and said "Pi R square"

Papa thought "Darn fool, 10 years at school and him still don't know Pie are round, Corn Bread are square"
 

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