What do I do?

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tears4husain

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:sl: Its hard for me to put my personal issues out there likethis, but I really need some advice. Here goes the situation. I did five years in prison through the five years in prison I found Islam. I came home in 2005 and married a girl because of her potential to be a good wife even though she didnt have a clue what Islam was. I can honestly say Iwas poor and she also had a child.even though we have come along way its what went on from the begining to now. Its hard for an ex-offender to get a job so she was really holding us up for about six months until I found a job. When I did she really abused our finances. When we argued she would get physically abusive. She choose her family over and friends over me and what I stand for which is Islam. When I got tired of trying to make things work between us and left the marriage(not a divorce) she was pregnant. I was gone for about a week. Then she finally realized how good I was to her and her child. She knew I would not talk to her so she went to my Imam to set up counseling, knowing I would go.This marriage has really cost alot of my faith, emotion, love, patiance, and concern. She is really trying to make things works now but I question her sincereness. Now where im wrong at is in the week I got envolved with some one from my pass, Iconfess to though she forgave,but did she do it not tosee me married to some else or to make us work. I dont want to see her hurt or struggle now with two kids alone. Ilove kids and this will be my first I want to make it for the sake of my child and br a father, but im tired of fighting to my marriage work. Its killing me because she is now learning about Islam and im pround of her and I dream of the day we pray together. Now im lost because I told her I will give her another chance, but I really dont think it will work. I know I got married to fast and should really thought things out and made a rational descision, but since I didnt now I have a dilma. Even with the other woman she said she will learn about Islam, but I really think its just to confort me and I dont want that. On top of that she has three kids and I cant afford to take care of her and her kids and mines when it comes(insha'llah). Like I said im lost and dont know what to do.:blind:
 
:sl: can some one help me please?
tears4husain said:
:sl: Its hard for me to put my personal issues out there likethis, but I really need some advice. Here goes the situation. I did five years in prison through the five years in prison I found Islam. I came home in 2005 and married a girl because of her potential to be a good wife even though she didnt have a clue what Islam was. I can honestly say Iwas poor and she also had a child.even though we have come along way its what went on from the begining to now. Its hard for an ex-offender to get a job so she was really holding us up for about six months until I found a job. When I did she really abused our finances. When we argued she would get physically abusive. She choose her family over and friends over me and what I stand for which is Islam. When I got tired of trying to make things work between us and left the marriage(not a divorce) she was pregnant. I was gone for about a week. Then she finally realized how good I was to her and her child. She knew I would not talk to her so she went to my Imam to set up counseling, knowing I would go.This marriage has really cost alot of my faith, emotion, love, patiance, and concern. She is really trying to make things works now but I question her sincereness. Now where im wrong at is in the week I got envolved with some one from my pass, Iconfess to though she forgave,but did she do it not tosee me married to some else or to make us work. I dont want to see her hurt or struggle now with two kids alone. Ilove kids and this will be my first I want to make it for the sake of my child and br a father, but im tired of fighting to my marriage work. Its killing me because she is now learning about Islam and im pround of her and I dream of the day we pray together. Now im lost because I told her I will give her another chance, but I really dont think it will work. I know I got married to fast and should really thought things out and made a rational descision, but since I didnt now I have a dilma. Even with the other woman she said she will learn about Islam, but I really think its just to confort me and I dont want that. On top of that she has three kids and I cant afford to take care of her and her kids and mines when it comes(insha'llah). Like I said im lost and dont know what to do.:blind:
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I think you shouldn't give up struggle. as you know divorce is let by God, He doesn't like.
DIVORCE
The Muslim Ummah is presently faced with an unprecedented increase in the number of marriages ending in divorce. Previously uttering the word 'Talaaq' was viewed very seriously. However, nowadays, Talaaq has been severely trivialised and for any petty issue the husband pronounces Talaaq in anger. In most cases this is later regretted but it is too late to repair the damage. The effect of this act must take place whether uttered in jest, seriousness, anger or on the spur of the moment. 'Talaaq' cannot be taken lightly or used as a weapon or threat in domestic disputes.
Hazrath Abu Huraira (Radhiallaahu Anhu) reported Rasulullah (Sallallaahu Alayhi Wasallam) as saying, 'There are three things which, whether undertaken seriously or in jest, are treated as serious and the effect of it occurs in all circumstances: marriage, divorce and taking back a wife (after a divorce which is not final)'. [Mishkat)
Because of ignorance, many husbands believe that in order for the Talaaq to be valid, Talaaq must be uttered three times. In fact, a single Talaaq is more than sufficient and valid. By giving one Talaaq, it gives the couple the hope to reunite in the future should they wish to do so. But, by giving three Talaaqs (deplorable compared to one or two Talaaqs), the marriage is irrevocably and finally terminated.
Some people (including some 'scholars') are deluded into believing that three Talaaqs in one sitting are equal to one Talaaq. In the light of the Qur'an and authentic Ahaadith, the scholars, Imaams and Mashaaikh are unanimous that three Talaaqs in one sitting are treated as three Talaaqs, which irrevocably terminates the Nikah.
We appeal to our brethren to take cognizance of the above Hadith and be wise before uttering just anything ..... only to regret its consequences. By then, it's too late.
 
:sl: I can understand that, but I have been giving my marriage my all from day one and nothing has been given in return. She apologized for not taken our marriage as serious as it really is, but the promises she makes now were made before and I dont want to be lead on again. In most situations its the man messing up now I eye see how hard some women have it.:cry:
 
^^I think you should follow that and make the best of it. You have to be patient. May Allah send his mercy on you and give you sabr.
 
Salamualikum.
Thats what you get when you let a women rule over you.
Best thing at this moment of time is dua'ah my brother, do dua'ah and don't let this inner of yourself be burdern just because of a women who has came in your life and treating you like as if she owns everything! I fear you have to stand up and be heard and tell her who you really are. To my understanding i have understood from your post that the women is having her own ways so if its that then tell her to do1.
Ma'assalama
 
tears4husain said:
:sl:He said give it another try to make things work in the marriage and if things dont get better then divorce.
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:w:

We go thru life with ups and downs. Life is a test bro. You gave your best to this woman and showed patience. Now Allah is guiding her back to you and showing her the light inshallah. We don't know what is in her heart but we can see that she has made the effort to save the marriage and change herself. You said you had a bad past but alhamdulillah you got another chance at life and look at you now. We all make mistakes and sometimes we need hard lessons (like you leaving her). But she is trying to make amends and the marriage counselor recommends another try. You should listen to that and inshallah give it another chance. If it is all just a drama and she hasen't really changed then you can talk to the counselor again and if marriage is the best thing for you then take that option.

Also, you mentioned that you got involved with another woman. Bro you are still married, even if you are not living together. You should know adultry is a major sin in Islam and infidelty is nothing but corruption. You should first solve your first situation before taking interest in other people. Plus You are new to Islam and inshallah got lot to learn. I think should focus on that more than women at this early age (of islam) in your life. Once you have strong knowledge base to act upon, you'll be in better position to make good confident and sound decisions.
 
tears4husain said:
:sl: Its hard for me to put my personal issues out there likethis, but I really need some advice. Here goes the situation. I did five years in prison through the five years in prison I found Islam. I came home in 2005 and married a girl because of her potential to be a good wife even though she didnt have a clue what Islam was. I can honestly say Iwas poor and she also had a child.even though we have come along way its what went on from the begining to now. Its hard for an ex-offender to get a job so she was really holding us up for about six months until I found a job. When I did she really abused our finances. When we argued she would get physically abusive. She choose her family over and friends over me and what I stand for which is Islam. When I got tired of trying to make things work between us and left the marriage(not a divorce) she was pregnant. I was gone for about a week. Then she finally realized how good I was to her and her child. She knew I would not talk to her so she went to my Imam to set up counseling, knowing I would go.This marriage has really cost alot of my faith, emotion, love, patiance, and concern. She is really trying to make things works now but I question her sincereness. Now where im wrong at is in the week I got envolved with some one from my pass, Iconfess to though she forgave,but did she do it not tosee me married to some else or to make us work. I dont want to see her hurt or struggle now with two kids alone. Ilove kids and this will be my first I want to make it for the sake of my child and br a father, but im tired of fighting to my marriage work. Its killing me because she is now learning about Islam and im pround of her and I dream of the day we pray together. Now im lost because I told her I will give her another chance, but I really dont think it will work. I know I got married to fast and should really thought things out and made a rational descision, but since I didnt now I have a dilma. Even with the other woman she said she will learn about Islam, but I really think its just to confort me and I dont want that. On top of that she has three kids and I cant afford to take care of her and her kids and mines when it comes(insha'llah). Like I said im lost and dont know what to do.:blind:
Click to expand...
This really is a messy situation you are in.
I sense that you really aren't clear in our own heart as to what you want. Much of what you write sounds contradictory ...

She is really trying to make things works now but I question her sincereness.
Click to expand...
Its killing me because she is now learning about Islam and im pround of her and I dream of the day we pray together. Now im lost because I told her I will give her another chance, but I really dont think it will work
Click to expand...
Even with the other woman she said she will learn about Islam, but I really think its just to confort me and I dont want that.
Click to expand...
How is the marriage counselling going with the imam?

Have you tried 1:1 counselling to work through your own feelings about this?

In my experience people often go through a 'honeymoon period' after they take on a new religion. They feel elated and like 'everything will be alright'.
After a while that feeling wears off, and the realisation hits that we still have to work hard on our faith, on our relationships, on our lifestyle etc.
It isn't all going to happen as if by magic!

You and your wife will have to work hard on your marriage, if you both want to make it work. You will have to be clear about your feelings, and able to share them honestly and openly.

Another thought I have, is that your wife seems to have forgiven you (at least she says so) ... but have you forgiven her for her mistakes? Are you holding grudges? Are you, deep down, blaming her for the hardship in your life?
Search you heart ...

I also strongly suggest that you stay away from the other woman, at least until you have made a clear decision about your present marriage.

Wishing you peace
 
glo said:
This really is a messy situation you are in.
I sense that you really aren't clear in our own heart as to what you want. Much of what you write sounds contradictory ...




How is the marriage counselling going with the imam?

Have you tried 1:1 counselling to work through your own feelings about this?

In my experience people often go through a 'honeymoon period' after they take on a new religion. They feel elated and like 'everything will be alright'.
After a while that feeling wears off, and the realisation hits that we still have to work hard on our faith, on our relationships, on our lifestyle etc.
It isn't all going to happen as if by magic!

You and your wife will have to work hard on your marriage, if you both want to make it work. You will have to be clear about your feelings, and able to share them honestly and openly.

Another thought I have, is that your wife seems to have forgiven you (at least she says so) ... but have you forgiven her for her mistakes? Are you holding grudges? Are you, deep down, blaming her for the hardship in your life?
Search you heart ...

I also strongly suggest that you stay away from the other woman, at least until you have made a clear decision about your present marriage.

Wishing you peace
Click to expand...
:thumbs_up

best post in the thread so far!
.............................................

2nd woman (extramarital one) is a no, no, that is against Allah, breaking His rules is like declaring war on Him and then expecting Him to help one, is bit cheeky to say the least

or like stealing from a shop and expecting the shopkeeper to help carry the loot
 
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