What to do if your friend gets 'heart-broken'?

**- Qatada -** · 12-07-2006

What to do if your friend gets 'heart-broken'?

Remember when you and your friend were always close and you could tell each other anything? You were the closest to each other and nobody else came between you two?

After some time, you noticed that this friend was acting abit strange, and they wasn't giving you the attention you usually had.. wasup with him/her? you asked yourself. This friend gradually started hanging out with you less and you never spoke to each other that much. They started acting abit more 'kool' and they felt that you was oldskool..

What if it's a guy, or a gyal? you thought to yourself.. i've never seen them act this strange before.

Turns out, what you thought was right. They wanted to join the scene too and you was left behind, you're still a kid in their eyes but they've grown up. I'm hangin with the bad boyz now, or the 'thuggetez.'

You either had two options; you could do the same, or you could stay quiet and be a good practisin muslim right? Yeah man, you're bare shareef, thats what they all say... you felt uncomfortable with that, but you was scared about what the rentz [parents] would say, so you decided to stay on the back rowz for abit.

Turns out, this mate that you had - they wasn't interested in knowing you no more, they were with their crew and had their gyal/kuri or their thug with them. Man, why did this have to happen to me for.. you thought to yourself. Deep down inside, you was kinda jealous - how come this person got all the popularity, even though you was the 'good one.'?

A little time passed, a while later.. this friend came back to you. They were sad, but still you saw they was dressed the same way as their crew. Hoodie on, and rockiez.. or was it the big hoops and foundation?

"What's up?" you mumbled..

"Nothin much, u?" they said.

You was still kinda sad, confused and not sure what was goin on. You wanted to talk to them like the times before, but you knew that loads of things had changed now. What if things could get better? You wasn't practisin full time, but you knew that dating was wrong, you knew that because you wasn't allowed to talk to that gyal/guy on parents evenings when your parents came over to check up on your progress at school..

"I got sutin to tell you yeah.."

You was confused, not knowing what to do or how to respond..

"Yeah?" you asked.. not knowing what tone of voice to use.

"It's about this person i got to know a little while back..."

To be continued insha'Allah..

**- Qatada -** · 12-10-2008

Asalaam alaikum warahmatulahi wabarakatuh

How to know if your wife/husband is impressed by you...

Disclaimer:This article's for the benefit of the Muslims, and is not intended for fitnah. The article allows the person to understand their marriage life better insha Allah. Aswell as give some brief understanding of human psychology. I've tried to put it into note form since its easy and direct to the point insha Allah, and alot of the info. is based on research and studies - so its not personal opinions.

Remember - marriage isnt a challenge like them relationships in jahiliyah where you have to fear competition from outsiders. Its about working together to enhance your relationship while hoping for aid from Allah in all matters related to it.

Below are certain attributes which may seem attractive in a spouse, which you might want to apply to yourself insha Allah. Most of these attributes are within the perfect guide to (sal Allah alaihi wasalam), so try to implement them. Then at the end there'll be some notes on Physical attributes, and how you can figure out whether your wife or husband are impressed by you.

Charm

Charm is something which we hear of a lot but don’t really know what it is. Its usually associated with good, many people want it – since it allows you to make more friends, and it’s the ability to make people like you when you’re in their presence. In simple terms; it’s the ability to make people happy, which in return will make you more happy – without really expecting anything back in return.

Some people think that looks are really important in a relationship, others think wealth, others status. But like we know, we marry someone for their religion. In the past, the Muslims would say that the Jews married for wealth, the Christians for looks, and we for a persons Islam. The same way a persons Islam is extremely important, the same way charm is more important in a relationship (than other physical attributes.) But how does Islam actually make you more charming?

Without Islam, you follow the crowd – imitating those around you in what they do, without thinking too much about what they’re doing, since your only aim is to be accepted, so you accept what they accept.

With Islam – you follow what Allah and His Messenger revealed to us. You know you’re accountable for what you do, so you do think twice before doing anything. This then makes you more aware of who you are, which then makes you more unique – you learn who you are truly are, with the addition of moulding yourself into the Sunnah of Allah’s Messenger. Giving good, not expecting anything in return except from Allah.

We have the Prophet (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) as a role model who was full of charm. That's why his followers shouldn't intermix with stranger women/guys - because their charm may be a source of fitnah without them knowing that they're charming the stranger.

Allah's Messenger gave every person respect, giving noble people who were leaders of clans respect (which convinced them that he wasn't after kingdom in this world), and giving love to the weak, children, and honour to women. He praised them without overpraising them, and being truthful when complimenting them. This is an important rule in charm, because praising someone when its not truthful, or when its exaggerated causes the person to not take it seriously or to heart - which doesn't really affect the person, so you lose in this scenario instead of win.

For example a wife might say to her husband; "you looked really nice today." And just to please her, he might reply "thanks.. you did too." That isn't always clever. He actually made a mistake there, because all he portrayed to her was that he was trying to equal her because she complimented him, almost like giving her a favour for her kind words. What would be more clever is for him to say thanks, and to keep this in mind. Then when he truly saw her later and found her to look beautiful, then he praises that and says that "you look beautiful today, maybe even throw a gift in to further strengthen that compliment." Which makes her happy, that's charm.

Some mistakes in applying 'Charm'

Don't be too absorbed in yourself, rather - give them the attention which you yourself would desire. And then they too will give it in return insha Allah. If they know that you think too much of yourself, and that you're not willing to give up for your own benefit, then they probably won't be attracted to this selfish attitude. The whole concept of relationships is that you give and you get due to trust, love and care.

When you be with someone, you have to prove that you do what you say. If you don't, then what you say really isn't worth much. For example, you hear alot of youth saying that they'll do something krazy to make the one they love laugh, now if they never went ahead with it - the other person would think "is this person cheap or what? he doesn't even do what he says." But if he does it, they laugh together. Its just how life works - theres no point of words if they aren't supported by action. Its usual for a person from the opposite gender to do something which befits their gender role, so guys will usually do something manly to impress a woman, and a woman will do something feminine which will attract the guy. That might be because they're imitating their role, and if someone else from your same gender supersedes you in that - it can sometimes even cause jealousy.. which can be harmful.

Charms also to talk to them like you were thinking about them when they weren't there, to remember something about them which they really love, and to do something which will surprise them - related to what they do love, therefore you're being loved directly because u were the center and cause of something which they really do love.

Things that might seem attractive...

People sometimes find 'risky' people interesting or more fun, compared to 'quiet boys/girls' because they love the adventure behind them, and they might stick by them longer because the person portrays themselves as someone whose got 'alot to offer' - causing the one whose after them to want to continuously be with them, for that 'fun' and that 'clinging on' feeling keeps them on the edge, always afraid to lose them.. with the addition that people might find this risky person more attractive, therefore the person whose with them feels that they've got a 'kool' reputation because they're with this really kool person. But in Islam, we don't harm our partners this way, instead we show them goodness and excitement so they love us and don't want to lose us anyway.

Smile! when you smile at anyone, they can't prevent it, but it comes from them too. It's free but its worth so much!

Mysterious people.. people who might not talk too much, but they still keep their nobility - so people are willing to respect them and hear them out when they do speak. these people seem interesting, because they don't give themselves up 'freely' to others, compared to those who talk all the time. So that when they do talk - everyones head turns towards their direction. I've seen some people trying to portray themselves as 'mysterious' this way, but it just doesn't work unless its accompanied by this being your real personality.

People reach their peak of physical strength uptill the age of 33 (that might be why the people of jannah are 33), after that it goes downhill again. its for men and women alike. the word 'peak' was mentioned there, therefore someone who is more older [yet below 33] will look more attractive to someone who is slightly older than them. i.e. some guys wouldn't mind being married to a woman whose slightly older than them so long as she isn't too old, because they like the concept of a mature woman as a wife and they might find it more interesting too, and this is a fact for women wanting a maturer husband (although some may differ.) however, once the people themselves go old, they would prefer a younger one because they have gone past that peak level, and everyone loves the tastes of youth.

The man whose wives stayed with him..

There was this man who had alot of wives when he was old. People asked him how he had so much wives at such an old age. He replied: When i was young, they stayed with me because of my youth and beauty. When i was maturer, they stayed with me because of my wealth, and now that i'm old - they stay with me because of my good manners and personality.

Signs

Below are a few signs when your with your partner to see whether they really like you when your together on a special occasion - (especially at the beginning of the marriage);

S/he Keeps an eye on his/herself- so they focus alot on their looks when you're together, especially when you got a special occasion together. Like they check up on themself to make sure they look right for you. Both guys and females might touch their hair to feel that its in place, or fix their clothing etc.

They ask about your family - if you are close to your family, u might be more warmer, it might hint at the fact that you want family of your own, and your personality may be shown through what type of family your from.

They're attentive - focusing on you more than other things. they can get distracted easily if they're not interested. One sign of distraction might be a loss of eye contact in the middle of conversation (but that also depends on your shyness level.)

Touch - she might touch you alot for jokes, like giving attention and wants it back too. Guys usually tease a girl which they like, especially when they're young. When people are older though, they usually have different ways of expressing themselves - you know what they are if you understand your partner well.

The longer lasting the person wants to carry on i.e. for a meal together - that might be because they enjoying it. if they want to end quick, might be because of opposite (not necessarily though, because women care about other matters too whereas men might be able to put them on the back of their minds more easily). i.e. a woman might not enjoy a meal together because she's got the kids on the back of her mind as a source of worry.

No no's..

When you argue too much, you first get closer to each other after the first sincere apology.. then you argue again, and whoever caused it has to be sorry, but the more you argue, the more you distance from each other, because you leave scars behind. so try not to argue too much, that'll make the person feel that they've got more to lose (of goodness from you) - so they too will want to get back with you this way.

Balance everything out, if someone is becoming tighter (like a rope knot) [i.e. due to anger], you loosen yourself and relax so the knot doesn't go tighter (because if it goes too tight - you can't open up the knot again.)

Allow them to express themselves in a legitimate way [this is important so they can release their grief instead of locking it up inside] so they can be heard, then help them calm down by telling them that 'you understand them.' Then try to make them happy to change the mood from heaviness to light.

No debating!

Don't always argue or debate with each other, especially when you know that debating will cause more problems. debating is done to make your point heard so that it benefits the hearer. If you know they won't benefit from it, then whats the point of arguing over something which u can't agree on? All it does is escalate friction between you two further.

Alot of people even argue, beat or even divorce their wives simply because they dont cook well! one piece of advice which i've noticed is this; without islam, people will accept the pressures of society and argue that a wife is a 'bad wife' if she doesnt cook well, or anything irrelevant which is measured in a worldly scale. But we know quite well that Aa'isha herself was NOT a good cook, but she was the 2nd most beloved wife to Allah's Messenger (sal Allah alaihi wasalam. [after Khadijah]) Therefore, if your wife lacks some worldly qualities, accept that or help her to achieve them, but that doesn't mean she's a bad wife, someone can only be bad if they have unIslamic attitudes, and don't want to correct them. So base your concepts of good and bad on Islam, and give alot of free space to your partner in what they can't achieve, while helping them in achieving what you want them to be like (this includes you striving to help change yourself too! to what they like.) I personally dont like restrictions on myself, since less restrictions or rules can make life simpler, so i wouldn't want to restrict another either.

Ibn Abbas said, “I verily adorn myself for my wife the same as she adorns herself for me. Also I would not ask her to fulfill all the rights which she owes me, so that it would become binding upon me to fulfill all the rights which I owe her”

[Tafsir Ibn Kathir - Hasan]

For both: don't impose too much on each other or force them to do something which they don't really like, it really puts people off because people naturally hate force and oppression. if a person lacks in a certain quality, u probably also lack in some which they like. i personally think that there are prohibitions in islam, so stick to them limits, and try not to make too much prohibitions for yourself and your partner.

Some people might argue with someone else.. and they think continuously, not for a real solution to their problem - but just to prove their point, so they don't lose their honour (even though the thing might be permissible i.e. her visiting her relatives.)

Like I know of an example where theres this young woman who wants something her way, but the father in law will say to her 'no, you cant.' [i know some will say that its the husbands decision, but what is he supposed to do if his father will cause arguments if he lets her go?]. The girl will get frustrated and won't be happy with the situation, maybe even complaining about it to her husband. So the husband will be in a tough situation, not really knowing who to side for, because if he does one thing - the other side will say that he betrayed them. So the wife should keep this in mind, that he is in a tough situation. And the inlaws should also be aware of this. This situation puts the guy through alot of stress and may lead to a worser situation i.e. him distancing from the family, or even divorcing the wife. Patience is important, but so is trying to find a conclusion both sides can agree to.

Along with this scenario, the inlaws may justify that the girl can't do one thing or another simply because "the other daughter inlaw down the street doesn't either." this doesn't justify the situation too, since that isnt the end of the problem.

I know of a family where the daughter in law complains that she can't visit her relatives, the inlaws say she cant - and they say that even the other daughter in law whose a cousin can't, the funny thing is though that this other girl doesn't really have any relatives she can visit. Plus, you have to see the background of each person individually, one girl may have visited her relatives alot before the marriage whereas another may not have close relatives. So take each person as an individual.

The 3 Needs Pyramid

Remember that theres 3 needs an average person goes through [in chronological order];

1) Physical needs- these involve; water, food, shelter, etc.

once the person has all his physical needs fulfilled to the basic level, his mind has desire for some form of social connection.

2) Social needs. - these involve people who love and care for you, a place of shelter but with other social protection and belonging, and connection with others for other personal requirements.

Once the person has his social needs fulfilled, they still feel empty. A great deal of the non muslims in the west only reach upto this stage but lack the 3rd. Which usually leads to them still feeling that 'empty' feeling inside of them.

3) Spiritual needs- This is the stage where you feel you need connection with Allah, and we know its the fitrah [natural disposition.] An example of this can be to get the inner peace, a personal level of safety. To feel a higher purpose, and we know that this is achieved through Islam.

something similar to it is the Pyramid of Maslow which might be useful to study:

http://www.timlebon.com/maslow.htm

So keep these concepts in mind, because your partner may complain about certain issues. You will need to look at the situation to see what concept their complaining about, evaluate it by seeing the condition that they really are in - and to aid them in that (depending on where they are in the pyramid) - which will help you insha Allah in helping them in the right direction.

This way, they'll be happy that you're aware of their situation. And they'll say "I like my partner because he/she understands me..." or "you really know how to make someone happy, may Allah reward you."

Women from mars men from jupiter (yeah yeah, that book);

Men, being from Mars, think before they feel. When men discuss problems, they do not commiserate, they offer solutions. This creates a huge communication gap in relationships, because a woman wants emotional support while the guy without knowing it suggests a resolution. Neither side is right or wrong, but women are created to be feelers and men are hard wired to be thinkers (this is something praiseworthy for each party because females focus more on emotion, and males focus more on thinking, so both are specialised in their own fields.) Understanding that he is not being callous/hard hearted or short when he tells you what he thinks rather than what he feels will score you lots of points.

Remember that guys think of solving problems alone, while women like to share their emotions with the guy. There can be clashes if each side doesn't listen to the other, so give some attention, aswell as some space to each other in a balanced way. Its also amazing to figure that women are more emotional because children need that emotional upbringing, and men are more focused on thinking ahead - so they lack as much emotion, but this thinking helps them keep the child safe in the long run (i.e. future planning/thinking ahead).

Complaining isn't always good

Don't always complain about your problems, there's the right times for it - but to always make people feel sorry for you puts them off from wanting to be with you. they want to be with someone who makes them smile, and enjoy themselves. there's some time for this, and there's sometime for that. always follow that middle, balanced path to get the right results.

continued insha Allah...

**- Qatada -** · 12-10-2008

continued from part 1...

Can you force yourself into love?

You can force yourself to be in love with anyone, even if they don't appeal to u at the beginning. this is something amazing from Allah, where u might hate someone first, or just be neutral about them (treating them like any other), but due to different situations, you may start liking them. This is all within yourself, where if your willing to fall for someone - you can. even if this is a gradual process over a period of time. it could be due to a certain order of events, or situations u face.

you continuously start telling yourself about them, you tell yourself in your mind.. sometimes even whispering to yourself what u feel repeatedly until u start believing in it. so your body responds to these thoughts, and u start getting feelings, which can then turn into actions...

When people are in love, they actually start ignoring the things they disliked about the person at first, and focus on the things they do like. That's why some people be shocked at why someone more good looking is with someone who isn't on the same level, because its likely that this really beautiful person wanted someone equal to them, but then they fell into it without knowing - and they continued with it because they loved what they loved more than they hated it... so it became stronger.

So much people have fallen in love with someone else without actually knowing it, and the only time they find out is when it's too late! That's why love is so risky, because sometimes you only realise what you've got, when its gone. Usually, you dig a deep hole the more and more you get to know each other, then when one person makes that first next level move out of deep feelings - only then you find out. What usually happens is that you actually get shocked at this, but since you were already enjoying their company - you might be amazed at the fact that this person cares about you at such a deep level - which makes you feel good about yourself - which then makes you open to love them too.

What can further enhance this feeling is if this person is somehow more special, unique than the rest, this is when the real love feeling enters you and this is when u feel more committed to the idea. If you've read that Prequel to the heart-break series, you'll actually figure out that the main character proper falls for the S girl because he finds out she's popular and good looking too. That's when he's shocked, thinking that 'if this is the type of person who likes me, then i must be well kool or amazing to be liked by such a person.' Lol, and then this is why A falls for him... The same applies if someone from a lower class tribe got married to someone from a noble lineage etc. Sometimes if you've been in love before, u try to find ur first luv in the new person.. because u miss the first love so much.

It's alot about how others view you as a couple too - which gives you confidence in your relationship, and there's always been certain couples which have always been famous for their love throughout history in every age and time. For example: Masrouq (a narrator of hadith) would refer to A’isha (Radiallahu Anha) in the following way:

“And on the authority of the Love of the Messenger salalahu alaihi wassalam“ (Meaning A’isha (Radiallahu Anha))

Imam Muhammad Ibn Shaab az Zuhri said,

“The first love that was ever recognized and known is the love between Prophet Muhammad (sal Allahu alayhi wa sallam) and A’isha (r.a.)”

Physical Attributes:

Eyes

When people like something, their eyes dilate (their pupils get bigger) because they think that things really beautiful. The bigger the pupils, the more you're 'zooming in' to allow your eyes to focus on the details of that thing.

when you stare at someone, they might stare back. if they like, their eyes will also dilate to see who you really are - the longer they focus on detail - the more dilated the eyes, the more beautiful they seem.

studies have shown that if a person has dilated eyes - they look more beautiful.. to make the study a fair test, they simply made the eyes less dilated using photo editing software, and by showing the same photo (with the difference of eye dilation) - they found that the person looked more beautiful and attractive with more dilated eyes.

in egyptian history, there were women who would put some chemical in their eyes, which would allow their eyes to be dilated more often, but they never knew of its effects until much later, that it was poisonous - so it blinded or killed them. Just showing how much some people wanted to look beautiful.

candle lit dinner, dark night, looking at moon/stars etc. bigger pupils - more attractive. so this might be the type of setting you want to eat in with your wife or husband.

glancing sideways, looking at them for few seconds, then looking away again. then returning the sight again after a few moments (to see if the other person's still giving the attention.) the more the look, the more they want attention back off you. the more attention you give the other, the more beautiful they themselves feel - which is one of the reasons why people like another, because that other person makes them feel better about themselves.

women like attention, men like giving attention.

Stomach in.

men breathe stomach in [so they dont look fat, but fit instead] - women might do similar for other similar purposes, and when they talk - they elong words in tune form to sound cute and funny.

the following method may also seem like a joke, but it shows that they really do like you. Imagine sitting together opposite each other, you'll probably be staring at each other - now when one person moves, the other person imitates them. if one gets closer, the other copies in a subtle way. showing that 'i accept that. i accept what you're doing and i'm willing to do the same' whereas if they stay still, they might still be thinking about it. the longer they take, the more things they've got in their mind to prevent anything from actually happening between you two. This kind of stuff usually happens during the early stages but can die out later when it matures.

height - shorter men may be more aggressive to show their 'manliness' due to their lack of tallness.

majority of males and females would like their partner to be more taller, since thats found to be more attractive.

Normally - in the dreamy fairytale, the guy is taller than the girl slightly, so she is upto his chest level, close to his shoulder height. Which made that the 'perfect' and most suitable look to make them a match. I think alot of people think that's the best match.

But we know that this isn't always the norms, some females are extremely tall and some males shorter than average, does this mean they'll never find the right person? No. There are some women who are tall, and prefer shorter men simply because of the situation they're in. They might feel too embarrassed to be tall, they might want their husband to be shorter so when they have kids, these kids will be of average height, insha Allah.

Facial: There are alot of different cultures in which there are different signs of beauty, for example some wives of Allah's Messenger (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) felt that Aa'isha was more beautiful because she wasn't skinny - but rather she had some fat (not overweight, but enough to not make her boney) - (its well known that slightly plump skin is a sign of youth and skinniness which leads to the feeling of bones makes a person feel uncomfortable) . This youth of Aa'isha made some wives jealous (a natural jealousy which is allowed in Islam between co-wives - so long as it doesn't lead to the forbidden). And this was something praiseworthy among arab women because many were so thin that they hardly had any weight, especially due to the poverty in Arabia.

Even in nations such as Finland, Denmark etc. women are more likely to be married if they weigh more since this shows that they are from a 'rich' family. Obviously times are changing now where the world is uniting on a similar culture, but this was well known amongst many nations in the past.

There are other signs of difference in culture too, such as what colour skin you should have to be more attractive. Where, among many nations with tanned skin - it is preferable for people to have white skin, whereas among white people - the more tanned skin you have, the more attractive it is.

However, there are certain features which are recognised by nearly ALL cultures to define certain aspects of beauty.

For example, in women - it is something liked if she has high cheek bones - which are apparent, but don't stick out too much. In Men - it is liked for him to have firm cheek bones, not like the womens - since that would make him look too feminine. It's also liked for the man to have a strong jaw, and not much 'puppy fat' - if you exercise, i believe that this 'fat' can be removed and that area will become toned - due to the strength that it takes (from all the body) when lifting weights. It is also liked for women to have a well defined jaw, since nice symmetry and neat features make the face look pleasing to the seer.

The 'blush effect' also enhances a persons beauty, and this is the part between the jaw line and the distance between the lips/nose. That area between usually is the 'blush' area (on the cheeks) - and when someones embarrassed or feels hot, they are likely to get red from there. This is found attractive on females and males.

"..Voice..."

There's some guys who grow up and realise that their voice is becoming deep so they take out a lighter voice since they're not used to the deep one. Don't do that, once i saw a police man on the news who did exactly that and he sounded like a girl. Remember, women like it more when a guy acts like a guy more than if he acts like a girl.

- When women are 'ovulating' - their voices are more attractive to males. However, when they're not (maybe due to menopause, or a different time of the month etc.) - they're voices do not always have the same effect. That's why when women reach a certain age [i.e. during menopause, their voices start changing and it becomes more apparent that they're getting older.]

Person uses soft voice when likes sum1 - showing that they're caring/gentle, and that i'm not a thread, i dont mind if you approach me.

Smell...

nice smell; the same way you're trying to appeal to every sense of your husband or wife, smell is also extremely important (since it's 1 of the 5 senses, its nearly 20% of who you are!) some people put on professional colognes, usually with dull or 'professional' tastes. DO NOT wear them, unless your partner really likes them. Instead, wear something exciting, alot of the times, its smells which are from sporty deodorants, or a variety of fruit flavoured smells. these types of smells bring excitement in your relationship, instead of that dullness of the cologne. Then when you want to relax, where something relaxing (for women like lavender - which aids in sleep and relaxation). we as Muslims are alright with this anyway since many of the smells which we buy from abroad are of different varieties anyway.

women are already aware of this and don't wear colognes, they usually wear fruit or sweet flowery smells. most of these exotic flavoured smells are cheaper than them expensive, yet 'dull' colognes. So ask your partner what they like, so you can wear it often. it's likely that you'll actually put something on that they'll respond well to - which will be a good hint for you. but don't always wear the same one, because it'll become too 'normal' [imagine some noise, the more you hear it continuously - the more you ignore that its there, same with smell] - you want to do as much things as possible to re-liven the relationship, to make it more fun and stronger - so do new, fun exciting things!

Hadith - Sahih Al-Bukhari #1.258, Narrated 'Aisha, r.a.

Whenever the Prophet took the bath of Janaba (sexual relation or wet dream) he asked for the Hilab or some other scent. He used to take it in his hand, rub it first over the right side of his head and then over the left and then rub the middle of his head with both hands.

Try it bros, when you smell your wifes hair - you want to fall asleep in it.. she might want to in yours too, cuz of the nice smell. And don't wear gel, it really does make your hair drop off cuz of all the chemicals. Wear coconut oil instead, it has the same effects of gel, but without the harmful chemicals.

Sisters, maybe you can try that too. But remember that its an obligation upon women to not wear it outdoors so she should do proper ghusl (have a bath) to remove it.

Play a game

Sometimes people get kind of bored with a continuous pattern in the relationship, where everything is the same and you're used to what they wear, what u eat, what you smell of etc. make it fun for yourself. Try to play different roles, and meet up where u have privacy, then be someone else.

Someone your partners wanted you to be like, but you've never been like that before. You're like a totally new character, and something which your partner really likes. It might just re-liven their feelings once again for you guys.. tell each other that you'll meet up together at a certain time at a certain place [within Islamic rules obviously] - making it like a fast heartbeating and slightly risky feeling experience. Alot of people like the thrill, but don't usually experience it.. but this thrill re-livens your relationship because you're experiencing your partner, but in a totally new way, and in a way which you really like too! The whole feeling makes you excited about meeting and linking with them.

The Scene

Now lets just place all that into context, imagine you and your partner are linking together sometime..

its a dark night, everythings quiet.. you walk in, suddenly a small glow of light flickers near by (a candle light), the stars are apparent, and you're on a protective balcony. You look in the distance and see something which looks really beautiful, handsome. So you approach them, and look in their direction.. your eye pupils dilate (go bigger), and theres do too. Thats why alot of people like that 'candlelight' moment feeling, because its just you guys, its different - the focus is just on the other person, and it literally enhances the beauty of both of them too.

As you approach them, you smell something which attracts you more towards that direction. This smell is obviously coming from the one whose with you, and they're wearing the right smell for the right situation - in this case its something relaxing, because you two are in a relaxed environment, wanting a relaxed moment... Pick your smells carefully, smells can trigger memories from years earlier, meaning that you could wear a smell from 7years ago and if it was a special moment - the person may feel them moments once again during this present moment.

Its quiet, you can hear the soft wind blow against your skin.. the first one to speak focuses your attention upon them more.. its a soft voice, you feel relaxed.. so you reply softly too. You feel light, calm, and at ease... It's a mercy from Allah.

You choose this moment, and make it something which they remember, something special.. do it after every certain time period so that your love doesn't die out, trying to change it only slightly with new small changes which will surprise them everytime. Make it a moment without out worries. Preparing well so its just for you two, and the kids are lookaftered well (some restaurants have nurseries for kids while the parents can relax temporarily.)

Ask Allah to make it good for you, and a source of success. It might be that;

...Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.

(Qur'an Al Nisa 4:19)

**Abdu-l-Majeed** · 12-10-2008

Originally Posted by ------

U can read it without any interuptions here:

http://idawah.com/forum/showthread.php?t=530

Ummm... Linky not worky...

**Re.TiReD** · 12-10-2008

Originally Posted by Abdu-l-Majeed

Ummm... Linky not worky...

New Link: http://www.islamic-life.com/forums/h...roken-976.html

**Hafswa** · 12-10-2008

This is an amaizing thread....The content is not just an easy read but it makes you reflect....nice

**Abdu-l-Majeed** · 12-10-2008

Originally Posted by Amatul Wadud

New Link: http://www.islamic-life.com/forums/h...roken-976.html

Jazak-Allahu khayran!

**Ibn Abi Ahmed** · 12-11-2008

Jazakallah Khayr for the new posts. Very good and practical info! I need to get married insha'Allaah before I put it into practice :P For smells, in addition to what you mentioned, I think vanilla and cinnamon scents are known aphrodisiacs..so that would be helpful to have on in the case of a married couple.

Please keep more coming!

**Tanya Khan** · 12-11-2008

[/FONT] Look, you know that couple down there next to the door - one of them's probably going to do the same thing that happened to your mate! thats how messed up it is.. seriosly that's one of the reasons why islaam prohibits this kinda relationship.[FONT=Trebuchet MS]

Sorry I just want to ask you all something about this bit I got from the story in the earlier part...

When people say love doesn't last because Islam prohibits this kind of thing, which I do agree on but then why do some couples (whom I know personally) get into a haram relaionship and then go on to get married to the same person?

They go on to have children and yes they might not be 100% happy like every other married couple, but they still end up marrying that person. Why do some split up and go through hell but others who commit the same sin go on and get married to the one they love and don't even get punished?

Yes, they might even repent later on when they are married so that they don't get any problems and Allah (swt) will forgive them for what they did, so happy endings all around for them. No punishment and they get away with they're sin while others have to suffer and live a life of hardship.

**MO783** · 12-11-2008

Help him and give him/her support. Make dua for your friend as well

**- Qatada -** · 04-15-2009

Asalam alaikum Warahmatulah Wabarakatuh

"They forced me..."

It’s always us quiet ones isn’t it? The ones who don’t speak out when their parents say to them that we’re getting you married to someone from abroad. We might say 'no..' quietly, but that doesn't really matter to them, because they've already made up their mind. Why is it that the ones who speak out or make a really big noise get away with it? If only I could rebel, its only because i'm quiet that they're using me to get their own way.

That's how you're probably feeling if you've been told you're going to get married abroad. You really want to get married to someone from here, someone who has the same likes as you, someone who knows what you know...

But, its going to happen anyway.

I remember when I was younger, I dreamt I would marry at the age of 25 when I'd just finish uni. I used to dream that I'd chillout with that person and we'd drive around in a M3, watch the sunset together and chillax.

But that didn't happen. I went through some parts of life and reached a stage where I didn't want to be with anyone, I hated it, it felt it would be too much of a burden.

So it was during this exact period, I was told I had to get married.

But you're a guy, how can they force you?

Alot of people say that you're a guy, and you could say NO easily. So i just want to say to all the bros who are going through similar, don't worry - we know its not that easy. To everyone else, this happens in alot of households. Usually, everyone in the house is pressurised - sometimes even threatened - if they don't agree with what's been said. If guys could say no, they would - but some care for their families too much that they feel they have to accept - to keep the house together. Others can say no, and alhamdulillah there isn't much problems that happen after that.

With girls, yes - its hard. If the word slips outside the house that she rejected any idea of marriage, people will question why she said no. 'Has she got a boyfriend?' No. She just wants to be abit more independent, so if her husband turns out to be someone who just wants the visa, atleast she's got some education to support herself. But they don't understand this.

To the Parents

Parents, atleast choose someone who is religious in the proper sense that they have taqwa of Allah. Taqwa in the sense that they fear Allah to be just and fair to your son or daughter. The whole reason you say you get them married abroad is because 'the youth here are bad' - so pick someone whose got a good character from abroad, otherwise - you're wasting your money on the visa application.

Get to know the person, if not by yourself, then atleast through others (who aren't biased in their views) to see his/her character. See him under tough circumstances to see how he handles the pressure. Don't rush the marriage since you love your child, and the same way you spent on them as you brought them up - give them a good start to their life as a married young adult. Otherwise they might hate you for the rest of their life. Why waste all that good you've done for them? If you've spent over 16 years to bring them up, i'm sure it won't matter if you take a few months extra on the deciding someone suitable for marriage, while doing Istikharah prayer and discussing with family their opinions.

There's a Prophetic saying in which he (peace be upon him) said [its meaning]:

If he whose character and deen (practice of religion) pleases you, approaches you in marriage, then marry him, for if you don’t, their will be fitna in the land and vast corruption.
(Tirmidhi and others, see Sunan Tirmidhi #1085 and it is hassan (reliable) as per Sahih ul-Jaami’ #270).

(“fitna” here can be understood to refer to the temptation for fornication, enmity and the cutting off of relations among the people and relatives, and the spreading of hatred. - IslamQA)

So if you argue that its hard to find people who are religious, then atleast find someone who has a good character.

mini story

I know of some marriages which happened like this, they were rushed and both the guy and gurl weren't happy. Instead, all that happened is that they ended up in divorce - with the girl at loss because people might think twice before marrying her again, and the guys family at loss because now if they ever go Pakistan - their in threat of being shot by her relatives.

The Jannah on Earth - A Love & Hate thing

People abroad hear so much about the west, especially our muslim lands and come to the conclusion that its Jannah (Paradise) on earth here. My wife told me that the people think that you can get anything you want, whenever you want here. Before my dad came, he used to think that the houses would be made out of glass.

That's why people want to get their own children here too, and many will do anything to achieve that. Since you only have a limited amount of kids you can get married off, some parents feel that they need to get the most respectable, beautiful, and richest families in their pocket, to boost up their respect. The family abroad thinks that the same will happen to them, with the bonus that their kid will come to Europe, or 'Amrrika'.

But sadly, they don't take the ones who are going to get married into account.

So yeah, fast forward. The marriage takes place, alot of people invited to the feast, and the family who was supposed to enjoy the wedding the most sweat the day out. They don't enjoy it, because they have to make sure everything goes to plan. The girl herself can't eat much because it would spoil her makeup, and the cameras always in the guys face so he can't look greedy.

Who enjoys it the most? The guy with the biggest stomach on the invitation list. Do you enjoy it? No.

Then the time comes when everyone believes its forced to have intercourse on the first night, when it isn't.

"It is not obligatory for the man to have intercourse with his wife on the wedding night. They may delay that until the time that they choose. But intercourse -- in general -- is obligatory, and it is the right of both spouses"

Islam QA - Is it obligatory to have intercourse on the wedding night?

There's even proof for this in the Sunnah, where Allah's Messenger (sal Allah alaihi wasalam) didn't have intercourse with some wives on the same day as the Nikah [marriage contract] but instead, he did some time later. I.e. his wives Um Habibah, and Aa'isha fit in this category.

The Locked Room

You've probably never even kissed someone from the opposite gender before, but on the spot - people expect you to know what to do on the wedding night without telling you anything about it. They just lock you up in the same room at night, with their ears next to the door - waiting to see if you talk to each other. Oh, and this is the first time you see their face. Alhamdulillah alot of people understand what to do, kind of. In the past it must have been well tough.

If it seems too explicit, then I think the parents should know that this is how their children feel.

Okay, pause. If you reach this part of your life - its destiny. You HAD to be there at that time in that place. So long as you made the Istikharah prayer before that - then its all good. "The believers state is always good, if something displeasing happens to him - he's patient, if something good happens to him - he's thankful." [Sahih Muslim] You made the istikharah prayer so Allah guided you to what was better, if it was bad for you - Allah would remove it from your life since He knows, and you don't.

Anyone can cry and say that it I hate life, and complain and argue. But think about it, what can you really do when Allah has willed something for you that you have no power over? The only reason you don't have power over it is because it had to happen, so its for a greater wisdom which you might only see in the future.

So make du'a to Allah and He will do what is the best outcome for you.

The Superiority Complex

Now that the marriage has happened, many people from the west will have some form of superiority complex by nature - the guy/gurl married from the west may even think that they've done a favour to the person they've married, since you were already here, but they're from a poorer country and moved to a richer one - by 'using' you for the visa.

So they look down upon that person if they at first don't like them. Many have a negative attitude from the start because they were forced into it. Sometimes, the guy from the west doesn't even approach the girl he married at all. "It's my dads fault." he says to himself. The anger and jealousy is taken out on the girl who he's forced to be married to. Sometimes the girl gets angry at her mum too, she doesn't want to talk to her... and the parents questions why? if I had such a good intention for them. Good intentions aren't always enough.

I felt this way for a long time, but marriage matures you in many ways and I understood some wisdoms. So let's take a few steps back and view this situation.

"I don't want it to happen to me.." But it happens to the world.

You probably know that there are people who are forced into marriage, its a simple fact. So you say to yourself "I know this, so i dont want it to happen to me." But look at it this way; the majority of marriages within the world have always been forced or arranged in one way or another.

The majority of marriages in the world have not been love marriages, or marriages which the people chose for themselves. That's why alot of these love stories are so famous (Layla & Majnun etc), because they've strived to get married to someone they want to - but they're unable to due to dislike of parents or the pressures of society, and thats the only reason why their love stories became famous.

If you get angry with your parents, then know that they probably also got placed into an arranged marriage. If not them, then atleast their parents did. You've heard the point that 'love comes after marriage', you might disagree with it - but ask yourself this - Why don't they ever tell what happens to a couple after marriage in love stories?

It's because true love only lasts once the marriage takes place, so you stick together through the hard and easy moments. And that's when true love really shows.

Do you believe you're doing a favour in marrying this person?

Think of this;

Alot of the girls from abroad are also being forced into the marriage, just as you are. She probably hasn't seen you either. But she has to accept it because her parents said so. So do you have a right to take your anger out on her, when she probably feels more strange by living with your family? She's left her whole world for you in a strange land with different people, and the only person she can rely on is you. Are you going to let her down, when Allah has already willed that your marriage would happen?

Alot of guys here are more dependant on their families, they can get pressurized easily and the wife may percieve the husband usually as 'less independent, so less manly' - in comparison to the men who they potentially could be married to in their home countries. Since once a girls married there, the guy makes his own decisions in comparison to guys in this country - generally speaking.

Doesn't the girl feel impatient at this? Yes. But she has to accept it, the same way you should accept her if you feel shes not upto your standards.

A mini story

There's a guy I know about whose been married for around 8 years, but because he wasn't happy with the marriage - he still doesnt talk to the wife properly. Not because he's shy, but because he still has ill feelings for what his dad did of arranging his marriage. The wife tries to get along by sometimes even giving him presents, but even if he tries - it seems those ill feelings always come in his mind so he doesn't want to carry on. It's sad.. but you see, if you feel sorry for the wife in this situation - imagine you were to do the same?

Which other person can she depend on except him, when he's supposed to be the only closest one to her through this relationship? That Rahmah (mercy) in your heart should allow your heart to open up to your wife and accept the reality, and then to move forward. Didn't Allah's Messenger tell us that if you have mercy on those on earth, the one above the heavens [fi samaa'] will have Mercy on you? [Sunan Al Tirmidhi]

Your Responsibility

Allah has placed this person under you as your responsibility, they have no other person to lookafter them - and your looking after them will prove your manhood. Since you will interact with them the most, you can change their personality better, an Islamic personality. But you can only achieve this if you get that closeness to them through commitment, and through love and care for them. If you don't, then someone else will, and the person may turn out to be something you don't like. Then your marriage won't work further. Some people say that the people from abroad are slightly sneaky and you don't know their objectives, but think of it this way - they probably going through the marriage for the first time just as you are - so if you show them good, they will by nature want to do the same. I've seen so much Muslimahs from the west who hang out with their husbands from abroad and make him like they want him to be, and it seems both of them are happy with that.

Why marrying someone from abroad can be an advantage

They're still young, so they have an open mind to the world. The same way you do. When us people have biases for the people abroad of being backward, then we should know that these people are probably alot more advanced intellectually on different aspects of life than us. Not just that, they've probably experienced the world alot more than us in matters of communication, and probably know whats kool and what isn't.

There's many reasons for this, the main one being because they live the world by seeing and talking to real people in hotter climated countries because the people are more 'lively' there due to the living conditions, whereas us people like us in the west live locked up behind a computer screen (whether at home or at work) due to the freezing temperatures and talk with our fingers only to cyber people. Further - materialism and fashion has spread to even villages in the nations abroad - so they also know what's popular. So they're not really backward - they're just like you. Even then, if they don't know the latest styles - why not help them work on themselves to look the way you want them to look?

Self Honour & Respect

Something really nice about marrying people from abroad is that they have a sense of self respect or self honour, its placed into them naturally by their culture so they don't want to resort to divorce when any small problem arises. Unlike the west where we're taught that once you're divorced - you've got less problems, the opposite is felt for the people abroad. This means that this person is likely to be more committed to you, because sadly - once a woman is divorced, alot of people question or be suspicious about her - even if she hasn't done anything wrong, even if it was the guys fault. So she remains patient and sticks to the marriage. This refutes the misconception that alot of people have when they say that they only come for the visa (yes it can sometimes be true, but if you show them how amazing and sinere you really are - they won't want to leave you.)

You shouldn't abuse this, but should reach out to be patient too. Alot of Caucasian (white) men who are non muslim get married to women from other parts of the world i.e. Asia etc. because of this discipline and respect they hear about the women there.

Playing sports at 30, not 50

You probably had to get married at a young age, and that's probably why you're more dependant on family too. But think about this; Your mates from high school might still be running around like kids, deciding on whether some nex girl is attractive to them, or taking photos of themselves smiling next to a car (which they don't own) on facebook. Thats the highest point they reach in their social life - just a facebook photo which some people comment on. So they wait their whole day just for someone to comment on their pic or some stranger to add them. Wow, thats such an exciting life.

Whereas you, because of this marriage - will be reaching newer heights continuously, you'll be maturing way more quicker than your old mates, you'll have a relationship with someone without the harmful consequences of sin, and you'll be ahead in life than other people your age.

Think of it this way, it might sound huge because you might think you're not ready for it - but compare yourself with someone else who hasn't got this blessing in disguise. This other friend thinks that he/she can chill out till the age of 25 in uni, then he/she wants to get his/her degree and get married. Yeah? Okay, now when this mate gets married - they want to chill out and have a laugh with their new wife or husband, probably like a year or something. Then they might think of having kids. So when they're in their 40s, they have a kid whose a teenager, and by the time they're in their 50s - only then they're child leaves uni and starts providing income for them.

Now compare this to your own situation. You probably got married when you're around 17-18, abit before or after. Then, you might have a kid around the age of 19 or 20. As the kid grows up, you can play with them since you're still young too. So you grow with your child, and by the time in your in your 30s or 40s, you can give up work and your kid - whose now an adult - will start providing for you.

Which option seems more fun? You decide. I wouldn't want to be an old man in my 50s running around after a football with a 9yr old kid. I'd rather do it when i'm in my young 30s.

The Glad Tidings in the Qur'an & Sunnah

Live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it may be that you dislike a thing and Allâh brings through it a great deal of good.

[Qur'an Al Nisa 4:19]

In the tafsir of this verse, Ibn Kathir states;

Allah says that your patience, which is demonstrated by keeping wives whom you dislike, carries good rewards for you in this life and the Hereafter. Ibn `Abbas commented on this Ayah, "That the husband may feel compassion towards his wife and Allah gives him a child with her, and this child carries tremendous goodness.'' An authentic Hadith states,

«لَا يَفْرَكْ مُؤْمِنٌ مُؤْمِنَةً، إِنْ سَخِطَ مِنْهَا خُلُقًا، رَضِيَ مِنْهَا آخَر»

(No believing man should hate his believing wife. If he dislikes a part of her conduct, he would surely like another.)

Tafsir.com Tafsir Ibn Kathir

Are you convinced? Okay:

There's a few things which you should take into consideration when you do be with your new marriage partner, because communication is proper important in a relationship.

- The main one is that you actually do talk to the person, if you find language a barrier - try speaking to your parents in the native/home language of your partner to get a good practise of it. Because it may just be that you're shy to talk the language, whereas the partner might think you don't like them. So practise and attempts in the language are important. I'm learning urdu from my wife and I teach her english.

- Try to study the culture and some facts about the places they're coming from. This allows you to have things to discuss together which you can both be interested in. Exchanging facts and opinions with each other strengthens relationships alot.

- Its likely that they will be sensitive to the culture they've come from, so you need to show them that you are understanding to what they say. So if you have a negative view on something from that culture, don't say "i hate it", but instead ask them to show how they themselves percieve that same thing. It might be that you understand it and realise why its actually something good once you understand some background information on the topic.

- Keep common ground between each other, so you have something which you can both settle on if it looked like some argument was about to happen. For example, even the tone of your voice, or the expression on your face would influence what you say. You might want to grin, smile, or use a 'tune in your voice' when you want to make a point in a non aggressive way.

- Treat them like they're your own, not an outsider. This is something which they need alot - acceptance. The more you show them this, the more they'll feel comfortable with you, and the stronger your relationship will be, so life will be easier insha Allah.

A fact: When my relationship with Allah is low, i feel alot of conflict in the marriage. Set yourself a target as to how much times you'll make du'a (supplication) to Allah, even about aiding you in your marriage. The stronger your connection is with Allah, the better your relationship will be with the creation [which includes your marriage life].

Try your best - and see its fruits, insha Allah..

So remember, they're like you, if you feel that it'll never work - then you can't be sure of that in any marriage. Instead, every marriage is about experimenting, its about you trying your best - whatever efforts you put in, you'll see their fruits. Soon enough you won't even remember that they were from another country, you'll just remember the laughs you had together when you remember the memories - insha Allah.