B&W thinking is one of the cognitive distortions that create many problems for people. This type of thinking is also known as Dichotomous, Polarized, All-or-Nothing or Black-&-White Thinking. This type of thinking tends to be rigid and extreme, everything is either right or wrong, with no possibility of any gray areas in between.
A child's intellect is not developed so he thinks in very simple B&W terms; he is not capable of discernment, for a child that is the only way to be. Children do not have the ability to comprehend complex concepts, they can barely distinguish between two opposing concepts, ie: right or wrong, things that are allowed or not allowed by my parents.
To a young child you may say: ‘Don’t put your feet on the sofa’… that is B&W, simple and straightforward. As the child grows he starts understanding the exceptions to that rule, ie: the gray area, e.g.: ‘I can put my feet on the sofa when they are clean, but not when my feet are muddy.’ His ability to discern the subtle differences between concepts increases with age and training.
In healthy homes and with mature parenting a child will naturally grow out of this B&W thinking. He will start learning the finer subtleties of how to incorporate different factors into a rule. This is why rules for children change as they grow, parents give them more room to think for themselves. In effect the parents thus teach their children how to implement rules in their daily life.
However, in dysfunctional homes the child does not get the opportunity to grow past this phase and becomes fixated at that level, matters are made worse by volatile and impulsive parenting. Rigid and age-inappropriate rules and double standards in the home will also confuse the child. When parents make exceptions for themselves but expect the child to follow the rules it confuses and angers the child. ‘Do as I say not as I do’ causes confusion for a child.
As an adult the same B&W thinking creates problems and its rigidity becomes a limitation. In adults B&W thinking manifests as extremism, it is judgmental and impatient... and it does not allow for others mistakes to be overlooked. It comes from feeling helpless and a loss of control. Blame and shame are the driving factors. And it results in pure drama and immature temper tantrums. It is dysfunctional because it takes one incident and makes a mountain out of a molehill. The belief that there is only one right way to do everything becomes a control struggle in relationships.
I have heard many Muslims claim that the Qur’ân is black and white. I don’t agree with this assessment. The Qur’ân is NOT black and white... the rules and laws are very clear but the Qur’ân is not B&W. There are many exceptions to the rules with consideration given to particular situations and conditions.
(Note: Before anyone jumps down my throat :-) I am not implying that if the rule is to fast during the month of Ramadan we change it to the month of July.)
The Qur’ân is B&W only in the area where belief in Allah is concerned... ie: belief in one God without associating any partners to Him. And God does tell us that the right thing to do is to be honest, just, fair, humble, patient, etc. The difference is how these are implemented in our daily interactions. The laws are not implemented in a B&W manner, e.g.: prayers, fasting, etc. in those Allah has made exceptions for situations when a person is incapable of following those laws... otherwise we wouldn't have permitted ‘qada’ (make-up) prayers or fasts. Nor would He have taught us ways to expiate the wrongs we commit. The Qur’ân is very loving and forgiving. Allah has not forced anything on anyone.
The message of the Qur’ân is to be of the middle path. The most striking feature is that along with every punishment for every crime it says... 'But forgiving is better'... most people seem to miss out this most important injunction and take the Qur’ân to be B&W. The fact that Allah is not looking for perfection and is forgiving at every turn makes Him not B&W.
To understand this we also need to look at how Rasûl Allah (saw) implemented those laws. His manner of implementation was to take into consideration each person's situation and keeping the extenuating circumstances in mind. Whenever he could he forgave the erring person and overlooked his shortcoming, he would turn away so as not to punish them. He did not judge people and deemed them not good enough, nor did he discard them because they were not perfect.
Rasûl Allah's (saw) way of dealing with people was in the gray area, and his ahâdîth tell us to:
Always make an excuse for the other's mistakes,
Don’t have baseless suspicions and doubts about people,
Don’t jump to conclusions,
Get your facts straight before taking any action,
Forgive and be patient with others,
Help others overcome their weaknesses,
Don’t judge others because u don't know what is in their hearts
These are all ways of living from the gray areas. And these are beliefs from the Qur’ân as his way was to take direction from the Qur’ân.
Hadith: ‘Your today must be better than yesterday, or else you have deteriorated’.
This hadith teaches us to continually work at improving our state and condition… physical, mental, emotional and spiritual.
Another most important aspect of Islam that mullahs never seem to emphasize is that it is an evolving process of growth... our faith grows with our efforts, just because one does the rituals it does not mean one has achieved faith. Islam is about continual growth, change and evolution on our part... that mean hard work and commitment. And all of that happens because of Allah being so loving and forgiving. He overlooks our mistakes at every turn. AND that is how He expects us to treat humanity. If we want Him to be loving, merciful and forgiving toward us we need to develop these qualities in ourselves.
One of the ways to develop this quality of gray thinking is learning to look at as many possibilities that affect a situation. Reading the 99 Attributes of Allah and using them as developmental tools for our own growth is also very helpful. If I am harsh and critical of others I can read Yâ Haleem to develop gentleness, if I am impatient then Yâ Saboor is useful. To do this exercise we need to know our own weakness and then find the appropriate Name for guidance and help.
All of them worship out of fear of fire
and consider deliverance abundant good fortune
or so they may dwell in the gardens , and reach to the meadows of paradise and there drink from its rivers
of gardens or fire i have no opinion
I seek no exchange for my Dearest Love
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