Big Tests faced by a Chinese Muslim Convert in Singapore

The following is an article from this blog.

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In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

Assalamu’alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh, May peace and blessings be upon you.

I am writing this post not for my fellow Muslimahs only, but also mainly for potential Muslim converts, or Chinese Muslim converts (females). * There is a lack of photos for this post, but I hope you will be patient to read it through.

First off, I like to start off with: tests - Everyone in their lives faces a series of tests put to them. There are obvious big tests to the most subtle small tests like controlling of anger/losing of patience over a trivial matter, and even could be the riches that are given to you (how are you going to best use it and not let it use you).

As a Chinese Muslim convert living in Singapore, it may sound and seem as though life is pretty much easier than our fellow Muslim converts in other countries, example the States. Because Singapore’s demographics include many races from Chinese to Malay (Muslims) to Indians to the smaller percentage of a mixture of many other residents from other countries. Multi-racial, multi-cultural societies should be understanding of each other’s cultures and religions and are more accommodating with less racism. This cannot be any more wrong – stereotypes.

In Islam, we believe that everyone are put through tests and the more Allah loves you and knows you are strong enough to handle what you are going to face, the more He puts tests in your life to prove yourself. For the case of living in Singapore, despite being multi-racial for many decades, racism and race stereotypes are hidden behind a blanket of a fake tolerence facade.

Which brings me to this - For Muslim converts, we are created much stronger than others (in a certain way). Just as how everyone is stronger in different ways. Why? Because compared to our born Muslim brothers and sisters, they are taught and brought up through the right path; it is up to them to easily choose to be a pious Muslim. For us, we go onto the right path facing many and huge tests, probably not something others, who aren’t in our position, can face.

The very First test

When we first choose to study about Islam (or meet a nice Muslim partner), how many of us have parents that we can easily open up to them and say, “Hi daddy and mummy, I have a Malay (muslim) boyfriend/I am learning about Islam, and it is great!”?

There probably are a handful of Chinese Muslim converts-to-be who are that lucky. However, not the majority.

So behind their backs, we learn and get more into Islam. When we convert, and when we really believe and understand the purpose of all the practices, how can we then let our parents know of our changes? People are afraid of change. Especially the elders. Most of them have lived their lives around people of the same race, and culture.

The first tests after embracing Islam will be facing the obvious trial between us and our parents…and relatives, and friends, basically our whole social circle of people. The trial can range from simply curious questions of ‘Why?’ to dealing with emotional parents (especially) to nasty comments and remarks. It is like you know straight in front of you is crazy waters and storm in the sea, but you still have to go ahead so that you can reach your destination. And you know too, that after the storm will be peace and calmness.

I remembered mine. Despite all that I have been through, I am still as happy I am today (if you’ve met me). Yet, deep down, talking about all these, especially about my father, it is extremely hard on me because it hurts a lot and I can cry in a second. (But be strong!).

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When I first met my husband, I spoke to my father a few months after about wanting them to meet. I got the typical, “There are so many chinese boys out there, why can’t you find a chinese boyfriend?” My father refused to accept the fact. A month later, I asked again, and still no.

Let me just say, my dad is not a typical dad that you can sit down and reason/talk out with. He is the kind of man that everything he says and does is right, everyone must follow him. Face (for a chinese man especially) is extremely important to him. Extreme. So “talking” to him = a big confrontation with my heart pounding so hard in my ribs and my dad shouting at me. Every single time.

I never talk to my dad, not since I started growing up. Never about anything, probably out of fear. I hated his voice and I always stayed in the room because I couldn’t stand how he is at home. So speaking to him is a huge deal for me and needs a great deal of courage or leap out of the window.

After that, I decided not to speak to my dad again about my husband. My dad’s stereotype thinking is the issue, I’m sure many chinese have that too. He looks down (somehow) on people of other races unless they have money – because money means stability and success. I don’t know who decides this in our society.

Wealth is not riches but in contentment.

Al-Bukhari & Muslim

I guess that’s where I grew up different from what he or my relatives expect me to be. My thinking is different.

So I only talked to my mom once or twice about the classes I am taking on Islam. My mom is the only one I am able to tell her the extent of seriousness my husband and I had for one another back then, and also about Islam.

When I decided to convert (back in 2012, on my 21st birthday), I told my mom. Typically, she is upset about it but she kept quiet. She had her fair share of concerns like if my husband and I broke up, will I still follow the religion. I said a firm yes. She cried on the day I left home to embrace Islam, it was the first time she saw me in a hijab – I never took it off since (except for difficult family gatherings which I now dread). I am sad I made my mom cry. This was one of the first tests I faced.

I was and still am proud to be a Muslim. I changed my name officially on my IC and passport almost immediately after I embraced it. My mom cried at my grandmother’s place some days after. My conversion was only known to (in my family) my mom, and an aunt of mine who married my Pakistani Muslim uncle. She had went for classes at the very same association but she did not embrace it, yet says she believes in it.

She was there to support my mom and gave me a call the next day. You’d think she’ll support me and helped talked to my mom or speak to me reasonably. But, nope. She scolded me full on. Here’s another test: I was told over the phone by my aunt with a Muslim family that – I was insensitive and selfish for converting to Islam; that I did not consider my mom and my parents’ feelings before I embraced it, that she didn’t embrace Islam because my grandmother is still alive and she didn’t want to hurt her; that…”Do you think Muslim men are good? Look at what I faced. Or those in other countries. They rape their own daughters and bomb others.“

Naturally, I cried and felt hurt and extremely angry. I kept my piece, and said nothing. I just told her I don’t wish to speak to her. It was extremely hurtful to hear someone whom I thought understands Islam talk about Islam that way – if she had truly understand Islam, she’ll know those Muslim men who did all that most certainly did not abide Islam religiously. How can you call them ‘Muslims’ then if they don’t follow Islam correctly??? My uncle wasn’t a practicing Muslim either and my aunt faced a fair share of tests on her own (physically). So my cousins who are supposed to be Muslim, know nothing about Islam. Not even who the name ‘Hamzah’ came from.

Was I selfish and insensitive? Maybe to everyone else I seem so. But I can truly say I did think for my parents and why I still chose to embrace Islam is because when I embrace Islam, this means my parents will know and learn more about Islam and hopefully, they will be able to embrace it too and be protected from the chastisement of the Hellfire. Yes, I thought of the Hereafter and did not want my parents to face any pain just because I selfishly kept Islam to myself just so I won’t have to face what I faced, and so that they won’t be hurt in this life.

Another test to face is the test of friends. For me, I am probably lucky (or sadly) have no close friends that I hang out often with. I thank Allah for relieving me of this test. The only few people I have to face were my friends at work then. They happily embraced my change and accepted me. Alhamdulillah, and I thank them for that.

With little friends, I came into Islam knowing many more and making more friends, especially fellow Chinese Muslim converts around my age! Bright side of being a convert, with perseverance, we can find people walking in similar shoes as us.

My dad found out of my conversion roughly a month after through knowing my name changed on my IC. He didn’t confront me, but he ‘spoke’ to my mom. I am sorry that my mom faced the same amount of tests I did with all I went through.

So up to today, my relatives do not know that I am a Muslim. It is difficult for me because I am asked to remove my hijab when I attend family gatherings so that no one knows. Honestly, it is disrespectful to me and my religion. Yet, what can I say? I know it is wrong and I constantly ask Allah for forgiveness. I do not wish to anger my dad further and make him lose his face, that’s what he wants. I guess in order for them to see the good in Islam, I need to show the patience and tolerance.

The Marriage test

I got married pretty early. Not that we did not plan, but after my conversion, it was tough for us to meet or go out. We refrained from any slightest physical touch, and we knew that going on dates were wrong. Ultimately, we decided that we should get married ASAP.

My husband went to my mom 3 months before our nikah to ask for my hand in marriage. My mom did not know what to do. I knew she was in a spot because she is not the decision maker in our family. But letting her know was the best we can do. My mom was okay with my husband, met him and went for dinner together, and my mom and brother even came over to his house to meet his family during that very Eid.

We had our nikah 6 months after my conversion. 2 days before that, my mom said that I need to inform my dad. We didn’t have plans to tell him at all and decide what to do after everything was done. I thought I should oblige and told him. It was the worst decision I ever made, yet essential, because he is my dad after all and he needs to know. I admit I did not handle all these better than I should – my dad did not accept him after so long of trying. We did ask him out for dinner between that 6 months before, he said he was not ready and still waiting for things to end between my husband and I.

Things spiralled out of hand from there. I went home to a screaming match with my dad. I found it hard to explain why I wanted to get married at my age and go against the social norms of society that my dad constantly rave about. I couldn’t explain it properly and I was protecting my religion at the same time. I believed that having kids before 25 is good because they will be generally healthier kids, and I married young because I know I have PCOS which means I have much, much less chance of having kids. But I would have time on my hands to try ways to make it work. On top of that, my husband and I got married to avoid further sins and to complete half of our deen. How should I explain it to my dad that I want to avoid collecting sins???

To my dad, in order to get married, I must go through all the stages of the social norm – continue to study a degree at my age then of 21 (I didn’t take a degree because of financial issues and also because I have no idea what I want to take.), work for a few years, meet a guy then, get a house…thennnnn get married. For the sake of stability, and success. Well, sad to say, money isn’t everything, and nothing is ever certain. People think that going through those stages means the marriage and their lives will be trouble free. Things never go as we planned, only Allah knows best.

So that day was crazy, I didn’t handle it well. There were tears.

The next day, 1 day before the nikah, my dad tried to keep me at home and not leave the house and told my mom to head down to my in-laws and tell them that our marriage should be called off. I cried at my mom’s feet and begged her not to. I cried in my room. My dad came and threatened suicide. I was constantly in tears, sat on my floor. Then I had a thought placed in my mind by shaitan, looking out the window, I thought to myself that if I left through it, I’ll be free from the suffocation. Well, that got me lots and lots of slaps in the face and arm from my dad with small bruises. Yes, I was physically hit.

I eventually got out of the house, but betrayed my mom’s guarantee to my dad that I’ll be home. She left with me, and brought me to where I wanted to go – a family counselling centre, which didn’t help my family’s situation much, except to tell me to go to the police. I did. I wanted to make a police report, but I spoke to the policewoman, and eventually decided not to because I didn’t want to make a protection order against my dad. I stayed in the police station alone because my mom and brother did not come in. My mom called my brother for help when I said I’m going to the police.

Eventually, I waited till my parents-in-law came with my husband to pick me up. They told me to take a cab quickly and leave to my husband’s aunt’s place. My mom and brother went to the counselling centre to confront them. My in-laws and husband stayed to wait for them at the police station but told them that they were looking for me as well (a lie! but that was the only plan to get me out).

I waited till nightfall before I went to my in-laws house to ensure the ‘coast was clear’. We were prepared for bed, and I slept with one eye open. In the wee hours of the night at 3am, my dad and my mom were at the door. My dad pounded the door like crazy, and a potted plant was smashed. I hid in my in-laws room. Everyone in the house got up. Eventually, they called the police with my consent. When my dad saw the police arriving, they left. The police escorted my husband and I to his aunt’s house and we stayed there through the night, with a silent phone constantly flashing calls from my dad. I slept with my husband on the living room floor, looking at each other, and he said, It’ll be okay.

On the very day of our nikah, my parents and their ‘backup’ (a dad’s friend, my brother and his girlfriend) came early in the morning to my in-laws’ house. They had a confrontation and my brothers-in-law stood up for my parents-in-law. My husband went back to his home before my parents arrived at their door. So he hid and sneaked out somehow. My sisters-in-law helped to iron out a last minute gown and put on make up for me. They diverted the attention of my parents following the mini bus they rented, while my brother-in-law drove my husband to fetch me and we headed out.


All the way, I was doing zikir, praying for Allah for help. All of us were on our feet. We had news that my parents were waiting at Masjid Sultan (our supposed nikah location). So we had to change plans, we were already late. There were relatives waiting at the mosque for us, along with my mother- and father-in-law. In the car, there was only my husband, my brother- and sisters-in-law. We phoned the Kadi and switched the location to Masjid Hajjah Fatima, then phoned my father- and brother-in-law to make their way over because they were wali. My husband was not in his suit yet either.

When we dropped at the car park, my sister-in-law and I walked/ran as fast as we could. I was barefooted. We reached the mosque, my father- and brother-in-law were there with my husband’s aunt and close cousins, and our nephew. My husband quickly wore over a coat, still in his jeans. We sat at a corner of the prayer hall and quickly got the nikah through. When it was all done, it was a huge sigh of relieve for everyone, a stone off our chests.

My husband teared up. It was so hard trying to get married for us and we almost did not make it. The Kadi could have said he was late for another event and left us.

Alhamdulillah. Allah truly is great. Rain showered after our nikah was done, like blessings to us from Allah.

We had a small reception for less than 80 people at Islamic Briyani restaurant. My husband and I wanted to not go for it, but we eventually did after we were told that my dad had left. We heard that my dad caused a scene in Masjid Sultan, and that police were called down. They went to Islamic as well, and my sister-in-law’s mother spoke to my mom and comforted her. My mom was afraid of losing me.

When my husband and I arrived at Islamic, my parents were no longer there. Everyone were in tears of relieve rather than in laughters of joy. Sadly, my mother-in-law could not witness our nikah.

Honestly, it is sad for me as well. Still. For my relatives to not even know about me being a Muslim and married, and never seen my husband. My marriage, I had no friends nor family from my side. I had no one, no support from my family. This is another test probably Chinese Muslim converts will face. But we are strong, always remember that. I was rather grateful than sorrowful over the whole crazy chain of events.

So yup, that’s how my wedding and marriage went. I did not wear my gown I made. I made a red lace gown, making it look chinese-y with gold lining. I did not get to wear it. I got it made because I thought I should be proud to be a Chinese Muslim and not forgetting my own culture. I thought I’d have some support at least, or my parents could see me be happy and be happy for me.

When we face tests in our lives, it is encouraged to look at someone less fortunate than you to appreciate what you have. There is a Hadith for this. My marriage test, or my marriage, can be the worst and comparison for many of you out there (I’m very certain). Because it has nothing compared to any typical weddings, the worries were different too.

Bright side – we did not overspend on our wedding and have as little wrongs in it as possible (meaning, no pelamin to ‘showcase’ us, no music, avoiding the sins many are ignorant of).

For Chinese Muslim converts, you could be facing in the future what I faced. But honestly, handle it better than I did. I could have made things better if I spoke more to my dad and convinced him better. Mine’s the worst case scenario, probably. Maybe there are worse out there, but mine was pretty crazy.

What happened after: my uncle (one of my dad’s brother) came down with his wife to speak to my dad and reason with him. They eventually became the only most supportive relatives I have of us and urged me to bring my husband to meet them during a weekend after Chinese New Year of 2013. My husband had work then. They said to continue my life as it is and leave my dad to them. Alhamdulillah. May Allah bless them with the guidance.

Chinese New Year is a dread

This is because I have so much worries over it. I cannot don my hijab, my husband gets left behind and not joining us for this family celebration, and should I be giving red packets or receiving them since I am married but no one knows????

Chinese New Year used to be something I always look forward to. With the events, it has become something I dread.

This year, I thought I could ask my dad if my husband can join us – because my dad asked to meet my husband last year around end of May. Eventually plans couldn’t go through, either my husband is not free or my dad. And my dad stopped asking about meeting him again, but he does talk to me once in a while about how things are for us like if we’ve gotten a house.

My mom is usually the middle man, I cannot thank her any more for being my mom. She said to me before the wedding that facing my dad is something I must face, and that it will just be a hooha of my dad getting mad and then things will be okay. She was in a spot, so I can’t blame her for siding my dad when things got crazy. So after things calmed down a little and I went back for the first time (when I met my mom outside for the first time after the craziness, about a week or two after that, it was just silence and tears and relieve), she said that now everything is okay.

I asked my mom first if I could bring my husband. She said it should be okay since my dad seem okay about it. So, I suggested to my mom to have a small conversation with my dad to suggest bringing my husband this year round.

Well, I don’t know if I should say disappointingly or expectedly, the answer was no, because things will become ‘messy’. Basically, just because my dad has no way of explaining things to anyone without losing his ‘face’.

My husband and I have been married for over a year. My dad has not met him yet. Neither has my relatives. It will take a lot of patience. My mom was a little frustrated when she told me about my dad saying no. She had ever told him to meet my husband for himself instead of asking her how he is and thinking something else of him. With the patience Allah has increased in me, I told my mom, “It’s okay, there will definitely be a way.”

Yes, it is probably not the right time yet. Allah knows best when and how it should be.

Still, I dread this year’s Chinese New Year. Mainly because I can’t wear my hijab without losing my dad’s face. It is another kinda medium test to face with my extended family seeing me in hijab. But if everyone knew I was married and met my husband and my husband is with us, it will be way easier for me. I made sure my clothes were all properly covering my body to feet except not having my head scarf on last Chinese New Year, I will do the same this year. Hopefully I can find something stylish to drape over my head like a ‘trend’ and cover as much as I can through this circumstances.

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There are soooooooooooo many tests to face as a Chinese Muslim convert. Even the test of spreading Islam to your disapproving family or parents. I have yet to open my mouth, but I am proud and happy to say, my parents both are now accommodating to my practices (i.e. eating out at halal places, halal food for dinner, allowing me to wear hijab when I’m out with them). I am truly happy to say my dad has slowly accepted me as a Muslim and is okay with me wearing hijab around him but not with my relatives yet. This small change is extremely rewarding through all the tests I had to face.

I can’t say how much more test we have to face, still definitely more along the way. I pray that Allah makes it easy for all of you and that all of you will not face what I had to face.

Yes, it is a year and probably considering our relationship, more than two years since my dad knows of us and he still has yet to meet my husband. I’m not sure if he’s back to his ‘I’m not ready’ stage again. But it is still alhamdulillah, for I have heard stories of families disowning their Muslim convert child or a Chinese Muslim convert woman being reconciled with her family only after she has kids, or even after they have kids, there are people who still face hostility from their non-Muslim family.

It is scary how stereotypes and racism can cause such a huge test to face for us all in Singapore. Had they known how beautiful Islam is, things will have been much easier. May Allah guide us all.

I hope sharing what I had to face from before I embraced Islam to marriage to now will give support to anyone who reads this and are having a tough decision to make to convert to Islam. Yes, tests are inevitable in our lives. For us converts, these could be the biggest tests we have to face, and after, the rewards will be good. Who knows maybe because of all these tests, Allah makes it easier for us in other aspects of our lives after so that we don’t have to worry about some things other people have to worry about.

This post may sound like a rant, because it somehow is frustrating to have to understand why my dad cannot want to see me happy, let things go and be happy together. But patience is all I need for all these. Alhamdulillah, for things are much better than people who face worse.

It may seem like I am all alone or you are all alone in this whole thing, but it’s okay. We are all alone with Allah. Allah is always there. Whatever we say to Him, whatever we want to share and what we hope for, we say it to Him. and He always listens to us. May Allah open the hearts of all of our parents and bless them with the guidance and acceptance towards Islam and towards us. Amin.