Dealing with non-muslim family help and advice

**muslimah_B** · 05-14-2016

Asalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Im brand new to the forum alhamdulilah, so please forgive me if i post in the wrong place.
In sha Allah everyone is in the best of health and emaan

Im not sure where to begin, (not sure whether being a revert for about 3 years is new lol but alhamdulilah)
its been a extremely hard journey for me emotionally, mentally and physically, i am of mixed heritage, on my mums side of the family they are very strict spanish catholics and most live on a tiny island (canary islands) which basically has 0 muslims let alone a masjid and i know the media doesnt potray us in any good way either wich doesnt help,
i have only recently began a relationship back with my parents (i was kicked out and homeless for some time) and well my grandparents keep asking when am i going to see them as theyre getting ill and older (i think they basically mean they want to see me before they pass away and wondering where their great grandchildren are lol) i have been putting it off for ages and even lied saying im working and cant find the time off.
Sometimes i wonder what i would do if they pass away about going to their funeral.. how do i go about it, spanish families are big on hugging and kissing for greetings etc my Spanish isnt that great to explain why i cant hug my uncles or cousins as i once use to before or even explaining islam properly.. and well ontop of that i wear abaya and niqab, i would most definitely stick out through the whole island lol.
I honeslty dont know what to do or how i would handle it, or if i should even go over there to see them ?
Any help or advice would be most helpfull to ease my mind on 1 of many issues i think about

**drac16** · 05-15-2016

Congratulations on your reversion! I'm a revert, too; I became a muslim five years ago. If you wear a niqab while you're visiting your grandparents, I think they'll be smart enough to realize that you're serious about your faith. I don't wear Islamic clothing except for once in a while. It would probably be easier for you to resist shaking hands than it is for me, because I basically wear jeans and t-shirts. I don't look like a stereotypical muslim, so I've had people give me weird looks because they don't understand why I would be religious, let alone muslim. I always worry about hurting someone's feelings when I have to refuse shaking hands with a woman. I'm not so much scared about refusing it-- I'm scared of offending them.

If anything, your niqab would be a good starting point for dawah. It's a way to break the ice. Wearing a niqab while visiting the Canary Islands takes a lot of bravery in and of itself. I could ever do that and survive the heat

.

**Bhabha** · 05-15-2016

That's a huge issue for me too... I still don't know how to explain to my cousins that I can't hug them or kiss them, Allah forgive me on this, but my cousins are people I would never marry so I haven't stopped hugging them.. though last time I saw them was maybe around 4 years ago :P lol

In Muslim cultures, people marry their cousins... but for Spanish people, cousins are like brothers because at least for me I was raised with all of my cousins and I never know if I was actually breast fed by my aunts, since my mother didn't produce milk.. most likely, so they are like my brothers

**muslimah_B** · 05-15-2016

Originally Posted by drac16

Congratulations on your reversion! I'm a revert, too; I became a muslim five years ago. If you wear a niqab while you're visiting your grandparents, I think they'll be smart enough to realize that you're serious about your faith. I don't wear Islamic clothing except for once in a while. It would probably be easier for you to resist shaking hands than it is for me, because I basically wear jeans and t-shirts. I don't look like a stereotypical muslim, so I've had people give me weird looks because they don't understand why I would be religious, let alone muslim. I always worry about hurting someone's feelings when I have to refuse shaking hands with a woman. I'm not so much scared about refusing it-- I'm scared of offending them.

If anything, your niqab would be a good starting point for dawah. It's a way to break the ice. Wearing a niqab while visiting the Canary Islands takes a lot of bravery in and of itself. I could ever do that and survive the heat

.

I honestly have no idea how im going to go to a island that has 0 muslims in full blown niqab and jilbab, and not be harrassed or thrown off the island lol
I dont have a problem refusing shaking hands with strange men, but as soon as it comes to family im so scared of hurting their feelings or offending them by refusing to hug or kiss them or even touch them, like i can just imagine the look on their faces

Dealing with non-muslim family help and advice

With the dawah, my spanish isnt that great to hold a full conversation about islam like i could in english, and their english is very poor so you have to communicate with them in spanish lol

**muslimah_B** · 05-15-2016

Originally Posted by Bhabha

That's a huge issue for me too... I still don't know how to explain to my cousins that I can't hug them or kiss them, Allah forgive me on this, but my cousins are people I would never marry so I haven't stopped hugging them.. though last time I saw them was maybe around 4 years ago

lol

In Muslim cultures, people marry their cousins... but for Spanish people, cousins are like brothers because at least for me I was raised with all of my cousins and I never know if I was actually breast fed by my aunts, since my mother didn't produce milk.. most likely, so they are like my brothers

Yesss my spanish family live over in the canary islands and some parts of rulal spain, i use to go over there aloot when i was little so grew up around all the cousins and uncles and whenever you see family with them you have to hug and kiss as a greeting, sometimes you just get grabbed into it lol.
On my dads side the family is mixed and jamaican (other stuff aswell but i only know the jamaican side)
I use to be around my cousins everyday growing up and i have always looked at them like older brothers and always hug to say hello or goodbye even with my uncles or my aunties husbands, and its so hard to say no i cant hug you let alone touch you or even talk to you now, i just cant do it i feel awfull, so i just kinda dissapeared and dont see them at all anymore and changed my number, so i dont have to deal with it
I honestly dont have the heart to say that to them its scary lol

**s.ali123** · 05-18-2016

Originally Posted by muslimah_B

Asalam alaykum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu

Im brand new to the forum alhamdulilah, so please forgive me if i post in the wrong place.
In sha Allah everyone is in the best of health and emaan

Im not sure where to begin, (not sure whether being a revert for about 3 years is new lol but alhamdulilah)
its been a extremely hard journey for me emotionally, mentally and physically, i am of mixed heritage, on my mums side of the family they are very strict spanish catholics and most live on a tiny island (canary islands) which basically has 0 muslims let alone a masjid and i know the media doesnt potray us in any good way either wich doesnt help,
i have only recently began a relationship back with my parents (i was kicked out and homeless for some time) and well my grandparents keep asking when am i going to see them as theyre getting ill and older (i think they basically mean they want to see me before they pass away and wondering where their great grandchildren are lol) i have been putting it off for ages and even lied saying im working and cant find the time off.
Sometimes i wonder what i would do if they pass away about going to their funeral.. how do i go about it, spanish families are big on hugging and kissing for greetings etc my Spanish isnt that great to explain why i cant hug my uncles or cousins as i once use to before or even explaining islam properly.. and well ontop of that i wear abaya and niqab, i would most definitely stick out through the whole island lol.
I honeslty dont know what to do or how i would handle it, or if i should even go over there to see them ?
Any help or advice would be most helpfull to ease my mind on 1 of many issues i think about

I think when you will visit them, definitely they will notice the change in you. And I think they themselves will not hug you in the first place

Is it possible for you to not take niqab while visiting them? That may relax the situation little bit.
As for hugging and shaking hands, I myself get confused what to do when some female wants to shake hands

but I noticed that if I go to some place with males and females, and I shake hands with males, then female usually also present their hands. So I just don't even shake hands with males

Rather just say Hi.
May be you can try same. Just dont shake hands or hug even females while males cousins are around. Seeing you in islamic dress, then they might not even want to hug in the first place. Lol

**ResearchScholar** · 05-22-2016

The importance of good presentation of Islam to the non believing family is from the sunnah of our Prophet (pbuh). Continue to do good to the non believing family and to remember that their disbelief does not justify disobedience by you and that doing them good does not contradict with your innocence of them as a non believer. Maintain kinship, good relations and show your family the positive side of Islam – as hard as it is, you will find strength in the stories of the Prophets and in the mercy of Allah (swt). Make sincere dua to Allah (swt) asking for acceptance from your family and to make you a source of dawah for them inshaAllah.

Allah (swt) has commanded us to treat the non believing parents kindly even if they strive to make their child a polytheist because of their rights as parents.
Continue to sincerely pray and supplicate for the non believing family hoping that Allah may guide them as did Abu Huraira for his mother.

May Allah (swt) quickly guide your family to the righteous path and give you patience to call them to Islam and lead you to the righteous and correct way, ameen.

**muslimah_B** · 05-22-2016

Originally Posted by ResearchScholar

The importance of good presentation of Islam to the non believing family is from the sunnah of our Prophet (pbuh). Continue to do good to the non believing family and to remember that their disbelief does not justify disobedience by you and that doing them good does not contradict with your innocence of them as a non believer. Maintain kinship, good relations and show your family the positive side of Islam – as hard as it is, you will find strength in the stories of the Prophets and in the mercy of Allah (swt). Make sincere dua to Allah (swt) asking for acceptance from your family and to make you a source of dawah for them inshaAllah.

Allah (swt) has commanded us to treat the non believing parents kindly even if they strive to make their child a polytheist because of their rights as parents.
Continue to sincerely pray and supplicate for the non believing family hoping that Allah may guide them as did Abu Huraira for his mother.

May Allah (swt) quickly guide your family to the righteous path and give you patience to call them to Islam and lead you to the righteous and correct way, ameen.

Ameeen

My whole entire family are non-muslims, im the only one, and my grandparents live in a different country where there are 0 muslims on the island and i would never uncover but going over there would cause me problems and given that i cant speak the language enough to talk about islam, is enough to stop me from going

**ResearchScholar** · 05-23-2016

ASK ALLAH (SWT) AND HE (SWT) WILL HELP AND GUIDE YOU BI ITHNILLAH

When seeking guidance in decision-making (Istikharah)

On the authority of Jabir Ibn 'Abdullah he said: 'The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) would instruct us to pray for guidance in all of our concerns, just as he would teach us a chapter from the Quran. He (peace and blessings be upon him) would say ' If any of you intends to undertake a matter then let him pray two supererogatory units (two Rak'a Nafilah) of prayer and after which he should supplicate:

Allahomma inni astakheeroka bi'ilmik. Wa'astaqdiroka biqodratik. Wa'as'aloka min fadlikal-'azeem. Fa'innaka taqdiru wala aqdir. Wata'lamo wala-a'lam. Wa'anta-allamul ghuyoob. Allahumma in kunta ta'lamu anna [Hathal-Amra] khayul-lee fi deenee wama'ashi wa'ajila amri wa'ajilah, faqdorho lee, wayassirho lee, thomma-barik lee fih. Wa'in konta ta'lamo anna [Hathal-Amra] sharrul-lee fi deenee. Wama'ashi. Wa'ajila amri. Wa'ajilaho. Fasrifho 'annee. Wasrifnee 'anh. Waqdur leyal-khayr haytho kan. Thomma ardini Bih.

Translation of Du'a:

'O Allah, I seek Your counsel by Your knowledge and by Your power I seek strength and I ask You from Your immense favor, for verily You are able while I am not and verily You know while I do not and You are the Knower of the unseen. O Allah, if You know this affair -and here he mentions his need- to be good for me in relation to my religion, my life, and end, then decree and facilitate it for me, and bless me with it, and if You know this affair to be ill for me towards my religion, my life, and end, then remove it from me and remove me from it, and decree for me what is good wherever it be and make me satisfied with such.'

One who seeks guidance from his Creator and consults his fellow believers and then remains firm in his resolve does not regret, for Allah (swt) has said

"and consult them in the affair. Then when you have taken a decision, put your trust in Allah." [Quran 3:159]