mariage crisis seeking urgent help

[halloula]

i got married the 1st of sep 2007 after a love story between me and my husband and because me and my family we live in australia i left the country after 3 months to fix my husband visa and let him join me as soon as possible.

in april 2008 he joined me and because of a rental crsis we had to live with my parents and that's when my problem start. My dad didn't like my husband without a major reson and problems start coming between them and leads to problem between me and my husband .after couple of month, my husband couldn't take it anymore and decided to move out by himself to live with a friend of him until he get a good job and suitable place to live in together.

but the problem didnt finish as he got trouble providing the job and the house and he started getting upset and stressed so he decided to go back to the country and left me here to finish my study and join him after but the problem is my dad asking him to divorce me and not letting me go back to my husband in my country and saying that he's gonna dishonour me and consider me dead if i go there.

but me and my husband kept in contact.

in the other side my in laws the pressuring him to divorce and stop waiting for me to solve the problem and make everyone happy.

my husband start get influenced and start talking about divorce and separation and he gave a short timeframe to be present there and the problem that i dont even have enough money to get a plane ticket to go and my dad still not agreeing .

what should i do in this case?
please give me urgent advice?

[Snowflake]

assalamu alaykum

Sis, I think your father is asking you to break this marriage as it would hurt his pride if you went to your husband. To your father it would mean choosing to be with the man who 'disrespected' him. Perhaps your husband and father are left feeling that you took the other's side. Even if it was your father who wronged your husband, your husband should've been patient and treated your father as his own. Then maybe things wouldn't have gotten so bad.

However, explain to both men that in Allah's eyes it's detestable to divorce without a good reason. And while you have to have to remain respectful to your father, you have to go if your husband is calling you provided he sends you the air ticket. The time frame worries me. It's almost like testing to see if you'll come and if you can't then that could be turned into a reason for divorce. Explain how you felt caught in the middle and that you do not want a divorce.

Finally, you know your father and husband better and without knowing the full story it's hard to advise. If your husband sends you the ticket, then don't avoid going to him. Once you are there you can both talk about what went wrong and how to put things right. That should include good relations with in-law on both sides.

[halloula]

thanks scents of jannah,
i just want to mention that my husband never disrespected my dad in anyways it was all the time the opposite way and my husband all what he does is to remain silent while my dad is talking and that's why he decided to move out.

the other thing is i love my dad and i dont want to hurt him by anyway and i feel trapped a part of me is telling me to go and obey my husband and another part is keeping me with my family so i dont hurt anyone of them.

money or plane ticket is not my problem as my husband can get it for me anytime i decide to go but me hesitating turned him off

please i'm so confused i started to worry and stress a lot
help me with your advices

[alcurad]

have a long talk with your dad, let him cool off first though, same with your husband. keep on topic and discuss the main issues.
also, do go to your husband, in the end you two are married. the whole point is to be together, being separated is probably making it worse.

[halloula]

thanks alculard for your help but just an update my dad is refusing any discussion about this subject and anytime you bring my husband name at home he gets very upset and he tells me that he will dishonour me if i go. the other thing is my husband family they really pushing him to divorce and making my picture look bad to my husband.

and that's why he gave me a short time frame to go and that too is making me so anxious

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

Did you marry with your wali's permission, ie. your dad's permission?

[halloula]

yes it was with my dad permission and full approval he even bought for me my wedding dress and helped with everything send me and my mum back to my country to get married and he also paid for all the expenses for my husband visa to come and i dont know why after he lived with us he just disliked him without a proper reasonand that's why i'm so confused

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

yes it was with my dad permission and full approval he even bought for me my wedding dress and helped with everything send me and my mum back to my country to get married and he also paid for all the expenses for my husband visa to come and i dont know why after he lived with us he just disliked him without a proper reasonand that's why i'm so confused

Wow that is really strange then. He's your husband now, by your father's own permission. You need to ask a scholar what to do, because your husband has rights over you which your father gave him, he can't just ask for them back by forcing you two to divorce. That is injustice.

[halloula]

Wow that is really strange then. He's your husband now, by your father's own permission. You need to ask a scholar what to do, because your husband has rights over you which your father gave him, he can't just ask for them back by forcing you two to divorce. That is injustice.

thanks brother abu sayyad,
then do you think i just need to obey my husband and go i'm just worried about my dad and just do want to hear him saying he dishonoured me do you think i should go scholar and ask him what should i so in this case

please everyone advice me and help me i'm getting crazy no eating no sleeping and just worried and thinking all the time

[Ibn Abi Ahmed]

thanks brother abu sayyad,
then do you think i just need to obey my husband and go i'm just worried about my dad and just do want to hear him saying he dishonoured me do you think i should go scholar and ask him what should i so in this case

please everyone advice me and help me i'm getting crazy no eating no sleeping and just worried and thinking all the time

Thing is, I don't know how much Islamic legal right your father has versus your husband after you're married by your father's permission, so I can't tell you what to do. You need to ask a scholar and a get a ruling that fits your scenario.

Personally, I think that your father cannot ask you to divorce because he is unhappy after he was initially pleased with the marriage. And I think that 'dishonoring' you is no more than emotional blackmail and is purely cultural, no basis in the religion. Your married now, and your husband has a lot of rights on you. Also the fact that you nor your husband can be forced to divorce simply because one party's parents don't like it anymore. After all, its your marriage, not theirs!! You two are adults capable of making your own decisions. This is just my opinion, take or leave as you please. At the same time don't forget that your father is your Wali and your support should any fall out (Allaah forbid) occur between you and your spouse so you shouldn't 'abandon' him in any way. Basically, this is a very convoluted situation.

I really suggest referring to a scholar to find the correct path to take to bring resolution between each party involved Insha'Allaah.

[halloula]

thank you very much brother abu sayyed
i will go ahead and ask a scholar and your answer was very helpful and made me more relaxed thx

[halloula]

if anyone got anything else to say it to help me more please go ahead and let me know

[julie sarri]

I went threw similar with my mum when i married my husband she first said she would not attend the wedding but then changed her mind at the last minute then we also had issues and had to move in with my mum then they started arguing all the time and it almost came to a fight not on my husbands part but my mum wanted to hit him he didn't have a visa at that time and i was working and he was not but finally we got offered a flat and moved after a few months mum started talking with my husband and now they get on so well and she even gave him his ticket money to go and visit his sick mother.Talk to your father and say to him that it would be more of a shame to divorce your husband to the family knowing that you have not been married long and ask your father to give you the benefit of the doubt and let you give it another chance say its for your own piece of mind and you would feel much better for trying

[halloula]

i tried talking to my dad but he's refusing any discussions about the subject, he just told me if you wanna choose just go for it but you gonna loose me. and in the other side i'm in big pressure of my husband, he just doesnt want to treat me like before he's so hursh with me and he's telling me that if i want to be with my family just accept the divorce. i'm in big trouble dont know what to do please help

[Ummu Sufyaan]

have u prayed istikhara

may allah make it easy for you

['Abd-al Latif]

i got married the 1st of sep 2007 after a love story between me and my husband and because me and my family we live in australia i left the country after 3 months to fix my husband visa and let him join me as soon as possible.

in april 2008 he joined me and because of a rental crsis we had to live with my parents and that's when my problem start. My dad didn't like my husband without a major reson and problems start coming between them and leads to problem between me and my husband .after couple of month, my husband couldn't take it anymore and decided to move out by himself to live with a friend of him until he get a good job and suitable place to live in together.

but the problem didnt finish as he got trouble providing the job and the house and he started getting upset and stressed so he decided to go back to the country and left me here to finish my study and join him after but the problem is my dad asking him to divorce me and not letting me go back to my husband in my country and saying that he's gonna dishonour me and consider me dead if i go there.

but me and my husband kept in contact.

in the other side my in laws the pressuring him to divorce and stop waiting for me to solve the problem and make everyone happy.

my husband start get influenced and start talking about divorce and separation and he gave a short timeframe to be present there and the problem that i dont even have enough money to get a plane ticket to go and my dad still not agreeing .

what should i do in this case?
please give me urgent advice?

From IslamQA:

Shaykh Ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) was asked when a woman is considered to be divorced. He said:

“A woman is considered to be divorced when her husband pronounces the word of divorce to her, when he is of sound mind and under no compulsion to do so, and there is no impediment to divorce such as his being insane or intoxicated, etc., and the woman is pure (not menstruating or bleeding following childbirth) and he has not had intercourse with her since she became pure, or she is pregnant or post-menopausal.”


Fataawa al-Talaaq by Shaykh Ibn Baaz, 1/35

[halloula]

i know about that brother abd-al latif but my main problem is this question: if i follow my husband and obey him against my father will that be wrong in front of allah. and if i obey my dad against my husband how its gonna be fter divorce and so on

[Snowflake]

i know about that brother abd-al latif but my main problem is this question: if i follow my husband and obey him against my father will that be wrong in front of allah. and if i obey my dad against my husband how its gonna be fter divorce and so on

assalamu alaykum sis


As bro Abu Sayyad said, your husband has rights over you given to him by your father. You are allowed to disobey your father if he is telling you to unjustly leave your husband. There is simply no reason to do that. Obedience to parents goes as far as them telling you to do the right thing according to Islam. This isn't one of them.

[MinAhlilHadeeth]

SubhaanAllaah sister... I really feel for you. I don't understand why your father would do something to hurt you like this, forcing you to leave your husband when he permitted you to marry him? Why does your father hate your husband so much?

All I can do is advice you. As has been stated, your father has no right to force you to leave your husband for no good reason. Your husband now has more rights over you than your father, as you are to obey him above your father in that which is halaal. At the same time, this situation needs delicate handling. Explain to your father that you love your husband, and don't want to divorce him, and he should be more understanding. You are not doing anything disgraceful, rather you are obeying your husband which is something honourable. May Allaah make things easy upon you ukhtee, and may He soften your father's heart. Ameen.

[halloula]

thanks sister faizah