Assalamoalaikum friends.
This is my first post. I need your sincere advice please.
I was friends with this Muslim girl for about a year, and she always gave me good advice about how to carry out Islam in a university setting (no mixing with boys). I however was in a weak moment in my life and did not listen to her. I ended up getting close to a non-practicing Muslim boy, and in the end, it was a bad situation. Alhumdolillah, however, I was able to sit down, and realize that I need to turn to God and this has lead me to really reassess and implement Islam in my life.
Now over the same time, my friend became friends with this boy, but it was very cautious at first due to her principles. Slowly she became okay with hanging out with him alone because she felt that she was really trying to show him Islam and give him dawah.
However, once the situation with me and him ended, and it was bad, I was highly sensitive. However, since he asked for my forgiveness, I did forgive him, but I thought it better to stay away.
Now it turns out that my friend and this boy like each other and have discussed marriage. They hang out each other alone a lot, and she says that she is helping his religious development. So, of course, this being a sensitive situation for me as I felt really hurt by this boy, I was upset. But then I tried to rationalize it from her point of view, and I assumed well since they are getting married its okay. And plus she had alot to do with changing him for the better. I know ego and pride is against Islam, and as much as it hurt that I had to go through the "bad" version of this person, and my friend gets the "good" version, I was ok.
However, it seems as if this boy and my friend have just discussed marriage between themselves but not with their parents. My friend wants to focus on making him a better Muslim, and justifies their alone time together by saying that God knows her intentions are not bad, so the good of giving him dawah outweighs the bad. It appears as if marriage is uncertain and they are not going through a legitimate process. It is somewhere down the line.
So...I'm a bit offended by this, in that she was the one who gave me advice not to intermix with boys last year. Which was correct. I figured if something was going to hurt my friendship with her, then it better be worth it (that she immediately get engaged or married to this boy). But that is not even the case! And I feel really upset about the whole thing... really offended. We are muslim sisters, and her involvement with this boy who caused me pain is already hard enough to take, but because he had changed and they were going to get married, I was okay with it. But this is not the case!
Am I wrong for thinking that she should not be hanging out alone with him, even if it is for dawah purposes? This boy is a bit jaded of the Muslim community and I guess she is the only one who has broken through to him. But does that justify her actions? She compared it to "when a muslim is in the desert and there is nothing to eat, then it is okay to eat pork." But I don't know?
I am afraid to say anything to her because I do not want to it to be misconstrued as Jealousy. That boy is a bit harsh toward me, which she chalks up to "he was hurt by you as well", and he has told me to "mind my own business" when I told them to do it the correct way.
I miss my friend, but at the same time I do not want my advice to her to be misconstrued as sour grapes. Should I mind my own business as it is not just her business but his as well and he doesn't want much to do with me?
PLEASE HELP, I am sad that it appears my friends' principles have disappeared. But she doesn't see it as such, she thinks its okay now to love a boy as a very very very good friend.
I really admire your concern about your friend. She's very blessed to have someone who cares about her deen. May Allah reward you.
First thing first. The end does not justify the means. Which means, it doesn't matter how noble our intention is, the method to carry out that intention must conform to proven Islamic rule. For example, we can't fund raise for orphans by getting money from prostitution.
Her situation is not a daroori situation. Judging from the circumstances that you have given, nope, she can't eat pork yet.
There are many other things that you and her can do to get this boy to love Islam. Rather than being with him alone, he can come over to the house or the masjid. If he's really sincere about reverting, you should get another trustworthy youth to tell him that what he's doing is wrong Islamically. If he's really into Islam he will take that advice.
Yes, whatever your friend does is her business. Whether she loves him or wanting to get married, is none of your concern.
Focus on her actions, not the reasons why she did it.
You wrote that her involvement caused you pain, you should be glad that Allah saved you from a prospective undesirable relationship. You should be proud of yourself because you listened to a good advice, regardless from whom it came from. Your life now is closer to Allah than before. You don't have any reasons to despair.
If your friend does not walk the walk, then she will answer to Allah for her actions. All you can do is to remind her that you still remember her advice.
You don't have to be afraid. If you really love her, you must tell her that what's she's doing is wrong and you don't have any jealousy whatsoever.
There are things you can change and there are things you can't. You can change YOUR behavior, which you did. You must give yourself credit. You can't change hers. Give advice once and trust me, it seems that she's smart enough to understand.
After that, leave it be. Stay in touch but don't let lightning strike a spot twice.
Takumi Nakashima WattaquLlah(a) wa yu'allimukumuLlah(u)
(Be Mindful of Allah and He will teach you)
i agree w/ wut bro takumi said (nice answer, bro!), and i just wanted to add somethin that worked for both my brother (i mean my blood brother) and myself:
do two rak'aats nafl for her, and afterwards make du'aa that whatever is best for you two happens. this works really REALLY well (Alhamdulillah) if you make it w/ dhuha (after fajr, stay in that spot, dont move ur feet, dont say "salaam" to nebody, just sit there and make zikr until the sun rises).
insh'Allah, i hope everything works out for you, sis. and Allah knows all wAllahualam.
Jazak'Allah khair, my friends. May Allah bestow His blessings and infinite mercy on you both for your advice.
So I have some followup questions.
I did broach the topic with her once, as you might have guessed from my initial post. That is when she told me, that yes she felt conflicted, but the good outweighed the bad, and the whole desert/pig analogy. I don't think I responded to the best of my senses, as I was really nervous in talking to her and just sort of accepted what she said. It was only after I took some time away to think about what she had said, and also further my own relationship with God, that I felt more and more uncomfortable with her reasoning.
How best do you think I should approach this now? Our friendship is shaky because I do get offended that she chooses his side over mine. I know this is a shortcoming of mine that I am trying to work on. It's just that when I am around her, I do feel hurt that she went about developing a relationship with him behind my back. She has asked for forgiveness but not necessarily repentance (not that she needs to do it for me, of course not, but for Allah swt), because she is sorry for hurting me (she knew it would) but not sorry for getting closer to him. And thats okay, I guess, I forgive her but I do not want to get too close to her again. She does every once in awhile email me, but because I'm afraid she will take offense at what I say about her friend, I am a bit hesitant to tell her how I really feel.
I think its about time though. SHould I approach after Eid? Write her a letter?
I'm okay with not being friends the way we were to tell you the truth. I spend more time with myself and with Allah swt and I like that. But it does eat at me that I feel like my advice may fall on deaf ears.
You don't have to say anything. You have your life. Live it to the fullest and do not worry about her. If she's an adult, she will be responsible for her actions.
Prophet Nooh called his people until he was 900 years. In fact, not only that his advice fell on deaf ears, they closed their ears and covered themselves so that they could not listen to his advice.
Do make dua for her so that Allah will continue to guide her. Friends come and go.
You just have to swallow it. It's hard but no one promises that jannah will be easy.
Takumi Nakashima WattaquLlah(a) wa yu'allimukumuLlah(u)
(Be Mindful of Allah and He will teach you)
I'm going to leave the situation well-alone except for telling her that she is incorrect about that desert/pig situation.
My problem is that she keeps wanting us to be close friends again. She says friends are forever, no matter what. I cannot be close to her, hang out with her, and then know that she hangs out with him or she sneaks around. I would feel so uncomfortable-I know it is not my business, that is why, so I try to avoid it.
What should I say to her regarding our friendship ? Should I stay close friends with her? Please advise me on this point, JazakAllah khair
You should tell her exactly what you posted here. That you would be uncomfortable, BECAUSE she's doing something wrong, when she used to talk against it in the first place.
I'm going to leave the situation well-alone except for telling her that she is incorrect about that desert/pig situation.
My problem is that she keeps wanting us to be close friends again. She says friends are forever, no matter what. I cannot be close to her, hang out with her, and then know that she hangs out with him or she sneaks around. I would feel so uncomfortable-I know it is not my business, that is why, so I try to avoid it.
What should I say to her regarding our friendship ? Should I stay close friends with her? Please advise me on this point, JazakAllah khair
I'm clueless on how close you are with her and what the mode of communication is between both of you.
If you had a straightforward relationship with her, you have to tell her that you want to move on and you will not compromise your deen. You're not being "I'm holier than thou" but you want to try to be an obedient servant and you cannot do that with her since she's not even trying to recirprocate your sincere advice.
I'm not worried about her, I'm more worried about your handling your past "betrayal" from a friend whom you care about so much. You have to come clean with yourself.
You must make sure that it is you are comfortable with your choice. If you are, then I don't see any problems.
May Allah reward you.
Takumi Nakashima WattaquLlah(a) wa yu'allimukumuLlah(u)
(Be Mindful of Allah and He will teach you)
Thanks all for advice. It is really wonderful to talk to people with a clear head.
Takumi thanks for your concern. We were best friends. But now that months have passed since he and she started getting close, I withdrew away from her out of hurt. Then I thought I should not abandon her friendship, because I believed that she must be engaged to this fellow.
When I finally talked to her, nothing of the sort was going on. They are just in limbo.
So I withdrew away from her again, feeling hurt probably for a pride reason, which I have been trying to work on. She just emailed me recently saying that she is sorry she hurt me and misses me. But I see her all the time with this fellow. I have not replied back to the email as I did not know what course of action to take. I do not want Allah swt to be mad at me that I did not respond back politely to her email, or that I wrote a harsh response back.
I just want to write back the response that will make Allah swt happy with me. I know in my heart commanding the respect of Allah swt is infintely more important than making this friend happy.
I'm not worried about her, I'm more worried about your handling your past "betrayal" from a friend whom you care about so much. You have to come clean with yourself.
\
Takumi, I am confused with this statement... do you think I am still holding on to a grudge. I know it is something I have grappled with, felt hurt about. But I guess I feel shamed into not having it anymore when my friend says to me "friends care about each other no matter what, through good and bad"
I do not want to hold a grudge not for her sake, for the sake of Allah swt.
Salam Alaikum
wow that's kinda on the deep
the advice she gave you and you gave back to her is correct
and for them to say mind your own well I say make dua for them that they actually took heed to what you said and make the proper arrangements to get married .Also that's very rare to hear a women convince or convert a man to be Muslim as far as showing him the way she should have showed him the way to the masjid lead him to the brothers and take it from there . I will say this she was taking a big risk hanging out with him alone for you do know SATAN is the third party when a man and a women is alone that don't belong alone (unmarried)
again make dua pray for the best
salam alaikum rahma ta Allah rabeta Kata
I apoligize if i repeat anything these wonderful brothers and sisters have said, cuz i just sorta skimmed through the replies. great replies btw
Assalamoalaikum friends.
This is my first post. I need your sincere advice please.
I was friends with this Muslim girl for about a year, and she always gave me good advice about how to carry out Islam in a university setting (no mixing with boys). I however was in a weak moment in my life and did not listen to her. I ended up getting close to a non-practicing Muslim boy, and in the end, it was a bad situation. Alhumdolillah, however, I was able to sit down, and realize that I need to turn to God and this has lead me to really reassess and implement Islam in my life.
Alhemdulilah that you have been guided, one thing i want you to realize is that your friend is in the same position you are in. Most likely she wont listen to you because her head is somewhere else. So morals and standard ethiological social methods might not work with her as well as we want.
Now over the same time, my friend became friends with this boy, but it was very cautious at first due to her principles. Slowly she became okay with hanging out with him alone because she felt that she was really trying to show him Islam and give him dawah.
ah, shaytans first step...
However, once the situation with me and him ended, and it was bad, I was highly sensitive. However, since he asked for my forgiveness, I did forgive him, but I thought it better to stay away.
Now it turns out that my friend and this boy like each other and have discussed marriage. They hang out each other alone a lot, and she says that she is helping his religious development. So, of course, this being a sensitive situation for me as I felt really hurt by this boy, I was upset.
Honestly, i think that if it was for certain "religious reasons" that they need to be together is a very false excuse. She needs to know that being together alone, will lead to fitnah and even more so when they have feelings for eachother. If it was for religious reasons, she should have kept herself in modesty and humility and then advised this boy to talk to a muslim brother if he truly wants to know more about Islam. Allahu A'lem
But then I tried to rationalize it from her point of view, and I assumed well since they are getting married its okay. And plus she had alot to do with changing him for the better. I know ego and pride is against Islam, and as much as it hurt that I had to go through the "bad" version of this person, and my friend gets the "good" version, I was ok.
In the future inshallah, make sure that no matter what anyone does or how much u care for them, stick with ur Islamic conscience and dont change ur views from that. No one knows what is going to happen in the future, and before we can think about that we need to fix what is in the present. Whether she is getting married or not, she isnt doing it the halal way. Allahu a'lem if shell even get that far in life.
However, it seems as if this boy and my friend have just discussed marriage between themselves but not with their parents. My friend wants to focus on making him a better Muslim, and justifies their alone time together by saying that God knows her intentions are not bad, so the good of giving him dawah outweighs the bad. It appears as if marriage is uncertain and they are not going through a legitimate process. It is somewhere down the line.
Like I've mentioned before, even if you consult her upon this problem, she might reject it because shes going to be thinking that you arent in her shoes and that Allah knows her pure intentions. Most likely she is confused between her islamic intentions and her feelings. The only way she will know what she is doing is wrong is if she heard it from someone superior than her: Allah.
There are some ayahs in the Quran that i will provide for you and some hadiths as well. You can show her these and if she rejects them, she is rejecting her Islamic duties. If she isnt telling her parents about this guy, she is avoiding them for a reason and thats not good.
So...I'm a bit offended by this, in that she was the one who gave me advice not to intermix with boys last year. Which was correct. I figured if something was going to hurt my friendship with her, then it better be worth it (that she immediately get engaged or married to this boy). But that is not even the case! And I feel really upset about the whole thing... really offended. We are muslim sisters, and her involvement with this boy who caused me pain is already hard enough to take, but because he had changed and they were going to get married, I was okay with it. But this is not the case!
Am I wrong for thinking that she should not be hanging out alone with him, even if it is for dawah purposes? This boy is a bit jaded of the Muslim community and I guess she is the only one who has broken through to him. But does that justify her actions? She compared it to "when a muslim is in the desert and there is nothing to eat, then it is okay to eat pork." But I don't know?
She isnt in the desert and tell her that when she returns to Allah, i dont think He would want pork on her breath
die pleasing Allah before pleasing yourself
I am afraid to say anything to her because I do not want to it to be misconstrued as Jealousy. That boy is a bit harsh toward me, which she chalks up to "he was hurt by you as well", and he has told me to "mind my own business" when I told them to do it the correct way.
I miss my friend, but at the same time I do not want my advice to her to be misconstrued as sour grapes. Should I mind my own business as it is not just her business but his as well and he doesn't want much to do with me?
If she accuses you as jealous, then she probably has went way to far with this guy.
We have to mind our own business, but when we see fitnah or hear fitnah we need to stop it, not watch it ruin us. If they dont want to make it your business fine, but let them know that theres no space between them and Allah.
No man is alone with a non-mahram woman, but the Shaytaan is the third one present with them” (reported by al-Tirmidhi)
I asked Allah's Messenger about the sudden glance (that is cast) on the face (of a non-Mahram). He commanded me that I should turn away my eyes.- Muslim #5372, narrated Jarir ibn Abdullah
"Say to the believing, men that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty .O you believers! Turn you all together towards Allah that you may attain success" (24:30-31)
“Allah knows the fraud of the eyes, and all that the hearts conceal.” (Ghafir:19)
“As for those who strive hard in Us (Our Cause), We will surely guide them to Our paths.” (Al-`Ankabut: 69)
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: “Whoever seeks to be chaste, Allah will make him chaste, and whoever seeks to be independent of means, Allah will make him independent of means, and whoever strives to be patient, Allah will make him patient…” (Al-Bukhari)
"If you do not feel ashamed of anything, then you can do whatever you like." (Abu-Masud: Bukhari)
"Serve Allah, as you would if you could see Him; although you cannot see Him, He can see you. (Umar: Muslim)
The legist (Faqih) Abu-ul-Laith (Rahmatullah alaihe) relates that, when the last hour came for Luqman (alaihissalam), he said to his son, "My dear son, I have given you lot of advice during my life-time; now that I am leaving the world, I would like to advise you about the six points (here are 2 of them):
If you have the audacity to indulge in sins, do so to the extent that you can endure Hell-fire (for, punishment of sins is dictated by law and you are never sure whether the sovereign, however infinite His mercy may be, will grant you mercy petition).
When you want to commit a sin, look for a hiding place that is not being watched by Allah Ta'ala and His angels (for, everybody knows the consequences of engaging in a revolt before the eyes of the sovereign Himself or in the presence of His secret agents). (Tanbeeh-ul-Ghafileen).
So I withdrew away from her again, feeling hurt probably for a pride reason, which I have been trying to work on. She just emailed me recently saying that she is sorry she hurt me and misses me. But I see her all the time with this fellow. I have not replied back to the email as I did not know what course of action to take. I do not want Allah swt to be mad at me that I did not respond back politely to her email, or that I wrote a harsh response back.
I just want to write back the response that will make Allah swt happy with me. I know in my heart commanding the respect of Allah swt is infintely more important than making this friend happy.
With this part, i can only advise that you do it for the right reasons, not for pride or anything like that inshallah
Tell her exactly how you feel, and provide some ayahs from the quran or hadiths to back up your reasonings. What she is doing is wrong, no doubt about it. She has to know that if she loves Allah and wants to do the right thing and if this person is really serious about reverting to Islam she has to help him find someone else, a muslim brother that can help him out. He can go to the masjid and stuff. You dont have to concern yourself in the marriage part of it because before we can think of that we need to fix the previous problem and that is with her hanging out with this guy alone. Once she knows that what she is doing is haram e.g. hanging out with him alone, then she can come with the conclusion that everything else she is doing is haram, basically the problem will fix itself.
If she still wont budge to change her mind, then stay away from her because you cannot help her iman and she wont be helping yours
"It is better to sit alone than in company with the bad; and it is better still to sit with the good than alone. It is better to speak to a seeker of knowledge than to remain silent; but silence is better than idle words." (Bukhari)
Inshallah I've helped sis, and if you need anything else just ask and i apoligize if i offended u in any way with my post, that is purely not any of my intention, oh and btw
WELCOME TO THE FORUM!!
inshallah you will enjoy your stay and find it beneficial.
May Allah help you both and keep your intentions pure and islamic; and may Allah keep you and all muslims on the path of the mu'maneen ameen
You are in my duas sis..
Fi aman Allah
w'salaam
ps sorry bout the long reply
Last edited by *charisma*; 01-10-2006 at 03:03 AM.
You should tell her exactly what you posted here. That you would be uncomfortable, BECAUSE she's doing something wrong, when she used to talk against it in the first place.
good response :sister: Nawal also I think I kinda feel What's she saying about not wanting to be around her also I think Noor may developed some kind of feelings as well I will say this just leave the situation alone cont' your studies until the whole thing doesn't bother you try not to think about it anymore and study your religion the best you can this site is very helpful and besides the :brother: & :sister: will help you
This is for you to read as well NOORISLITE :sister:
Last edited by Rabbiyah; 01-10-2006 at 03:16 AM.
Reason: correct spelling of name
Takumi, I am confused with this statement... do you think I am still holding on to a grudge. I know it is something I have grappled with, felt hurt about. But I guess I feel shamed into not having it anymore when my friend says to me "friends care about each other no matter what, through good and bad"
I do not want to hold a grudge not for her sake, for the sake of Allah swt.
What I meant was you are not comfortable with your decision at all.
You have every right to be hurt but not because she took your boyfriend but because Allah's boundaries have been crossed.
Look at this letter, and email her:
Dear ..........
I thank you for your email. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and you are always in my prayers.
You are the best friend I've ever had and I cherish your friendship forever. I remember the time when I was loss and far away from Allah, Allah had sent you me as means to get closer to Him. I can never repay you for what you have done for me.
Right now, I have to admit that circumstances have changed. I was trying so hard to accept your actions with (the boy) but the more I found out about your dealings with him, the more it became clear to me that it's not allowed for us to be with our non-mahram for whatever reason. I don't have any ill feelings towards you, that episode of my life has passed. My only concern is my deen and I have missed your support in my effort to worship Allah better.
My dearest sister,
I know, friends stay in good times and bad times. Friends also remind each other of the hereafter. I'm in peace with myself right now and trust me my journey towards Allah has not been smoothsailing either. I sometimes faltered and it's so heartbreaking to find out that you're not with me to help me pick up the pieces.
I'd like for you to reevaluate your relationship with (the boy). I'll be happy for you if this relationship leads to your marriage and I'll be the first one to congratulate you. But there are ways to do it and as we know, spending time together with him without boundaries is not what we should be accustomed to.
It's really hard for me to say this, but I don't see our friendship will be based on the sake of Allah if you are still going with (this boy) improperly. We can work together so that he can be muslim. We can ask some of our brothers to help him understand this deen and I'm sure he will not object if you state your reasons.
Please think about it. I am still your friend and I will do everything that I can to help you, but I love you so much that I cannot bear to see my sister going far away from our creator by her actions.
I miss you too.
Takumi Nakashima WattaquLlah(a) wa yu'allimukumuLlah(u)
(Be Mindful of Allah and He will teach you)
Takumi, thanks so much for the letter. I am definitely going to incorporate it. I think that is a much better approach, becuz it is kind yet straightforward.
I do not regret not being close friends with her, although I do miss the sense of belonging I had when I was her friend. Does that make sense? I just think however, perhaps we had cultural differences that makes me feel like I do not fit in with her and him anymore. So although I feel more lonely where I am right now, I also feel more at peace.... I just wish I could find Muslims or a Muslim community where what religion I practiced was first and foremost, not what ethnicity I am.
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i always wanted to say that!)
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