I NEED to marry my woman BUT many hurdles to overcome

[raj2008]

Salaam my fellow brothers and sisters,
My question is with regard to marriage. I intend to marry a woman but have a few obstacles in my path unfortunately. Firstly I must stress we are madly in love with each other and see life without each other as an absolute impossibilty. I have absolutley NO problems from my side of the family but the problems arise from her parents side. Both are in staunch hate of my background and culture - they detest Pakistani's. My angel is half arab herself. This is the ONLY basis they are in disapproval. Alhumdulilah, I am financially stable, in a good profession and of deen and good character. I understand I MUST be patient and the first port of call is to discuss the sitaution with her parents and be FIRM in my intent of marriage. I ALWAYS show respect but they do not seem to budge. Pateince is a great virtue in Islam but this is on another level!! Their minds have been made up, irreversibly so.
What is the best course of action? I feel marrying in secret shall be the only way out and it will be official with regards to 2 witness' and a proper Nikkah cermony. What could you advise me as to do next Inshallah? This is IMMENSELY frustrating and driving us both insane. Whoever said love hurts had it bang on!!
Jazakallah for your time and patience and may ALlah SWT reward you all Inshallah...Ameen.

PS. Did I mention I am SOOOOO frustrated?

[frosama]

woah bro, I think I'd slow down there. Getting parental approval is key and if you marry in secret you will probably never have good relations with them. Although you may not mind this, I'm sure the girl would feel otherwise down the line. I think their disapproval may range from more than simply racism. Did you have any relations with this girl beforehand w/o approval and supervision?


If racism is the ONLY reason, then show them the hadeeth from the prophet about how a arab is no better than a non arab. One of the best muslims, bilal (ra) was a non arab and etc. There are many things you can show them.


Marrying without their consent should be the absolute last option in my opinion.

[جوري]

awww I am sorry for your troubles akhi.. I don't think they can refuse you on basis of your background.. I believe that it is basically Haram.. can you get an imam to mediate between the families?

My friend has done that, she is jordanian and her now husband is Morrocan.. after a long winded battle, in which at some point her father humiliated her in public by removing her hijab in front of every one on the street 'la 7wala wla qiwta illa billah' in an attempt to disuade her and make her feel loss of dignity should she continue to pursue a marriage with him, but eventually they came around and now, I believe she too got an imam to speak to her family.. she is now happily married with many healthy kids wal7mdlilah.. I think you should just keep at it insha'Allah

will keep you in my du3a

[raj2008]

Jazakallah for your reply brother.....well I've had NO relations with my woman before marriage in that sense.....it boils down to ONLY the fact that we differ in culture. They are extremly traditional in their views and it kills both us to have to go through this. I know the reward for me and Inshallah for her will be worth it in the end. I STRESS that I also feel it's the last option to take but it seems as the only logical one as they are not likely to change their point of view. You wait your whole life for a soulmate, and now she is here. I have NEVER engaged in any activity of any sort with members of the opposite sex, Alhumdulilah, BUT I've just fallen for my baby BIG time and I have always known I'd fall in love ONLY once and marry that woman. NOw she is here, right in front of me and I know Allah SWT is testing me to get what I really want in my life BUT it just seems such a battle. But It's one I'm not going to give up on EVER. In your opinion would you say marrying on the secret, would be islamically valid although most likely frowned upon Im sure??

[Mikayeel]

awww I am sorry for your troubles akhi.. I don't think they can refuse you on basis of your background.. I believe that it is basically Haram.. can you get an imam to mediate between the families?

My friend has done that, she is jordanian and her now husband is Morrocan.. after a long winded battle, in which at some point her father humiliated her in public by removing her hijab in front of every one on the street 'la 7wala wla qiwta illa billah' in an attempt to disuade her and make her feel loss of dignity should she continue to pursue a marriage with him, but eventually they came around and now, I believe she too got an imam to speak to her family.. she is now happily married with many healthy kids wal7mdlilah.. I think you should just keep at it insha'Allah

will keep you in my du3a

, he took her hijab of? Her own dad? aaaahhhh

[جوري]

basically her parents can't force her to marry someone she doesn't like, just because he is from her culture..

Al-Khansaa’ bint Khidaam complained to the Prophet that her father wanted her to marry someone she didn’t want, saying “I do not wish to accept what my father has arranged.” The Prophet said, “Then this marriage is invalid, go and marry whomever you wish.” Al-Khansaa’ said, “I have actually accepted what my father has arranged, but I wanted women to know that fathers have no right in their daughter’s matters” (i.e. they have no right to force a marriage on them). (Fath Al-Barî Ibn Hajr, Sunan Ibn Mâjah)

I think if you'll be patient Allah swt will reward you.. just make lots of du3a 'qyam elyel' really works sob7an Allah.. try it every night right before fajr and ask Allah sincerely to grant you this marriage.. and insha'Allah he will..

[Mikayeel]

Jazakallah for your reply brother.....well I've had NO relations with my woman before marriage in that sense.....it boils down to ONLY the fact that we differ in culture. They are extremly traditional in their views and it kills both us to have to go through this. I know the reward for me and Inshallah for her will be worth it in the end. I STRESS that I also feel it's the last option to take but it seems as the only logical one as they are not likely to change their point of view. You wait your whole life for a soulmate, and now she is here. I have NEVER engaged in any activity of any sort with members of the opposite sex, Alhumdulilah, BUT I've just fallen for my baby BIG time and I have always known I'd fall in love ONLY once and marry that woman. NOw she is here, right in front of me and I know Allah SWT is testing me to get what I really want in my life BUT it just seems such a battle. But It's one I'm not going to give up on EVER. In your opinion would you say marrying on the secret, would be islamically valid although most likely frowned upon Im sure??

I have seen many family/friends go through the same problems...

Sub7anAllah... The fact that u r a muslims is not taken serious when it comes to marriage.... as long as you are from the same culture/tribe or whatever it is! wallahi bro i feel ur anger/frustration!

InshAllah i will do du3a for u!

[raj2008]

Jazakallh sister Skye for your most kind words and prayers,

I have never known a pain like this in my life and I hope Inshallah NO ONE ever goes through it. You feel like banging your head on a brickwall repeatedly. I will keep at it my sister. It's the only way...I'll await till my last breath for her.....I shall pray for her, me us the Unmmah, as ALWAYS but I just pray she comes into my life as soon as possible. I think of nothing else but her and it's driving me insane. I really feel like just going over to her , picking her up and just running away as fast as my legs can carry me.

Jazakallah again for your prayers my sister.

[جوري]

, he took her hijab of? Her own dad? aaaahhhh

yeah, it was awful, he dragged her unto the streets while screaming, people thought he was going to kill her, it was really a horrible scene.. sob7an Allah.. parents can be cruel sometimes.. but she forgave him.. and married the man she wanted for herself anyway..

I don't think I can go through that sort of stress.. I just think it is better not to get married.. Maybe that would make them happy? but that too is a self-destructive path...

It is sad how the closest people to you can make your life so miserable..

sob7an Allah

[جوري]

Jazakallh sister Skye for your most kind words and prayers,

I have never known a pain like this in my life and I hope Inshallah NO ONE ever goes through it. You feel like banging your head on a brickwall repeatedly. I will keep at it my sister. It's the only way...I'll await till my last breath for her.....I shall pray for her, me us the Unmmah, as ALWAYS but I just pray she comes into my life as soon as possible. I think of nothing else but her and it's driving me insane. I really feel like just going over to her , picking her up and just running away as fast as my legs can carry me.

Jazakallah again for your prayers my sister.

I am sure many can relate to your pain.. I lost the love of my life in April 2004.. except it wasn't just parents not agreeing, he died and in the prime of his life..

not that I am discouraging you from the pursuit of happiness.. but just to let you know.. you can be happy and you can live in spite of the pain you feel..

[raj2008]

Sisters I thank you sincerely for your prayers...it means a lot to me......sister skye where can one find this duaa 'qyam elyel'??

This is a test from Allah SWT the most glorious and merciful but you feel like Inshallah the testing just ends now...I wish her parents could see that all i want to do is love my angel from day and night and raise beautiful muslim children of good character and deen Inshallah.

[raj2008]

Oh my sister Skye,
Im SO sorry for your pain......I shall pray for you too Inshallah my sister. I really don't know what to say except I pray Allah SWT grants him and you a place in beautiful Jannah Inshallah....I sincerely pray this. Yo uare an inspiration my sister and may Allah SWT bless you and your family ALWAYS Inshallah, Ameen.

[جوري]

Jazaka Allah khyran akhi...

insha'Allah, I have a feeling in my heart that this will work out for you, just keep steadfast in prayers and hold on to Allah swt.

مَن كَانَ يُؤْمِنُ بِاللَّهِ وَالْيَوْمِ الْآخِرِ وَمَن يَتَّقِ اللَّهَ يَجْعَل لَّهُ مَخْرَجًا -----

----Whoso believeth in Allah and the Last Day is exhorted to act thus. And whosoever keepeth his duty to Allah, Allah will appoint a way out for him,

وَيَرْزُقْهُ مِنْ حَيْثُ لَا يَحْتَسِبُ وَمَن يَتَوَكَّلْ عَلَى اللَّهِ فَهُوَ حَسْبُهُ إِنَّ اللَّهَ بَالِغُ أَمْرِهِ قَدْ جَعَلَ اللَّهُ لِكُلِّ شَيْءٍ قَدْرًا {3}

[Pickthal 65:3] And will provide for him from (a quarter) whence he hath no expectation. And whosoever putteth his trust in Allah, He will suffice him. Lo! Allah bringeth His command to pass. Allah hath set a measure for all things.

[ashley66]

I can relate to your problem akhi. When my husband proposed to me, I told him to meet my parents. My mom rejected him in the beginning and forbade me from seeing him again she thought that my husband has no degree while i am an engineer. It was very sad and painful for me and my husband. But Allah has other plan. If we're meant to be together, nothing can stop it.

Allah change my mother's mind and a few months later she just called and asked if he was still interested in me. That was a surprised and we quickly got married after that. All the while, both of us, we only talked on the phone and we had tough time, trying to accept but full of hope and dua and a lot of solat. Now my husband is my mom favorite son in law despite the fact that he is not rich.

You want to do something good and ibadah, so Allah will not ignore you. Keep dua and solat. May Allah unite both of you in marriage soon.

[YusufNoor]

Salaam my fellow brothers and sisters,
My question is with regard to marriage. I intend to marry a woman but have a few obstacles in my path unfortunately. Firstly I must stress we are madly in love with each other and see life without each other as an absolute impossibilty.

ease up, Akhi, if Allah (SWT) wants you to be with her it will happen, but "we are madly in love with each other and see life without each other as an absolute impossibilty" is drama queen stuff! make sure that you are marrying her for her deen! don't marry her just because she makes you feel all gaga inside! [or just cuz she's real pretty]

I have absolutley NO problems from my side of the family but the problems arise from her parents side. Both are in staunch hate of my background and culture - they detest Pakistani's. My angel is half arab herself. This is the ONLY basis they are in disapproval.

Alhumdulilah, I am financially stable, in a good profession and of deen and good character. I understand I MUST be patient and the first port of call is to discuss the sitaution with her parents and be FIRM in my intent of marriage. I ALWAYS show respect but they do not seem to budge. Pateince is a great virtue in Islam but this is on another level!! Their minds have been made up, irreversibly so.
What is the best course of action?

talk with your Imam, if your future wifes' Wali prohibits your Nikkah for unIslamic reasons, he can appoint someone to fill in for him. according to the deen, you may marry her.


I feel marrying in secret shall be the only way out and it will be official with regards to 2 witness' and a proper Nikkah cermony.

except your walima is to make it public

What could you advise me as to do next Inshallah? This is IMMENSELY frustrating and driving us both insane. Whoever said love hurts had it bang on!!

well, akhi, i'm reasonably sure it wasn't a Muslim!

Jazakallah for your time and patience and may ALlah SWT reward you all Inshallah...Ameen.

PS. Did I mention I am SOOOOO frustrated?

1st of all, FEAR ALLAH! and secondly have Sabr.

i remember some advice by Mufti Ismail Menk, he says that the reason why people "fall madly in love" is that Shaytan is trying to get you to commit zina! and that the reason that some marriages immediately turn to bickering and dickering is that now Shaytan is trying to destroy the bond.

sorry Akhi but that soulmate stuff isn't part of the deen. Allah may surely be testing you, BUT He may be trying to see what you consider your 1st priority, which, of course should be your deen and not "I have never known a pain like this in my life and I hope Inshallah NO ONE ever goes through it. You feel like banging your head on a brickwall repeatedly"...

stop, and refocus. concentrate on your deen. let your Imam work it out Islamically. have sabr and rely on Allah Subhannahu Wa Ta' Aala!

i would add, not knowing EXACTLY what the "cultural" problem is, try to make sure that you dont endanger your wife to be either!

btw, i've been through it. an entire Masjid of people tried to talk my wife out of marrying me because of unIslamic reasons. it took TWO Imams to convince her brother that we had a right to marry. [and we DO have cultural differences, MEGA ones at times! BUT we married for our deen and my wife is wonderful]

and lastly, male du'a!!!!!

Skye wrote:

I am sure many can relate to your pain.. I lost the love of my life in April 2004.. except it wasn't just parents not agreeing, he died and in the prime of his life..

don't forget Sister, if Allah wills, you can have whatever you want in Jannah! May Allah Subhannahu Wa Ta' Aala grant you peace of heart!

[Umu 'Isa]

Brother, I don't think marrying in private would be a solution. A woman needs her wali's permission (her father) for her marriage to be valid..

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Any woman who marries without the permission of her walee, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid, her marriage is invalid.” (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 1021 and others; it is a saheeh hadeeth)

A woman’s walee is her father, then whoever her father may have appointed before his death

http://www.islamqa.com/en/ref/2127

[Snowflake]

asalam alaikum wr wb,

SubhanAllah, I feel your pain bro and admire your patience and willingness to do the right thing. I have nothing more to add to the brilliant advice sis Skye has already given, except to pray for you and Skye sis. May Allah clear your obstacles and unite you both soon inshaAllah. And my dearest sis ((((((Skye))))), I'm so sad to hear of your loss, may Allah swt replace it with more happiness than you could ever imagine. Ameen.


wa alaikum asalam wr wb.

[جوري]

ukhty Jazaki Allah khyran for all your kind words.. I didn't put those words here to cast a shadow of sadness or steal the brother's thunder, rather just to say.. a person can find contentedness and happiness, if one truly leaves his affairs to Allah swt.. I can really appreciate how someone might think others can not relate to his condition.. but I think all of us in our own way can relate to intense loss and pain.. It is a way to humanize the soul, it is part of the human condition and a way for one to seek to establish a relationship with his lord.. Think of how something like this could drive an atheist to suicide, but drive a believer to paradise?

I have found happiness again, and wanted to share with our brother here, that he too can.. if he'll just persevere and hang on to Allah swt he will find him a way out.. that is why I posted verses 2-3 from sura 65.. one really has to reflect on Allah swt intending good for us though we may not perceive it..

Insha'Allah, he will be married to the woman of his choice and may they both find happiness together..
Ameen

[Pure Imaan]

Ameen to all the duaz........I will certainly pray for you my brother, but I agree with what my brothers and sisters have said that don't marry in secret, this won't help with the relationship with the sister's parents and her parents may break the ties of kinship, I pray it does not come to this inshallah....be patient my brother, Allah (swt) will reward you 'After harship, comes ease'.....patience is one of the best qualities a person can possess, Allah (swt) is certainly testing you and putting your patience to practice, He is helping you and the sister to strengthen your character, if you really love her my bro then Allah (swt) is seeing whether you will work hard for her and be patient, and from what I have read from your posts I am sure that you do love her, mashallah. I hope her parents see that it does not matter what background you come from, what matters is your deen and character, Oh Allah, help us all and guide us all to the path of righteousness, ameen....Also sis Skye I really admire your strength and patience, Alhumduallilah, may Allah (swt) bestow wonderous blessings upon you and your family, ameen, love you sis

[raj2008]

My most beautiful brothers and sisters in Islam,
Thankyou SOOOOO much for your time in writing to me....I truly appreciate how you have helped me in my time of need. That is the beauty of Islam in that we can all come together and help our fellow brothers and sisters in such ways. I thankyou all sincerely from the bottom of my heart for all your dua'as and for getting back to me. One thing I am 100 percent sure of is that Allah SWT is testing me and he is testing our patience. In a most wonderous way it has brought me so much closer to my deen and I pray Allah SWT guides me and brings me and all of us closer to him and on the rightful path Inshallah. I shall never stop in my pursuit of pleasing Allah SWT and I shall never cease to bring my angel into my life. The rights of the parents I do not doubt in the slightest and have the upmost respect for them BUT although I see marrying in secret as the last option, I see no other way out. It is so much harder for the girl and I truly appreciate it this but I'm not sure how much longer I can be patient.

Once again I thank ALL of you and I hold ALL of you in my dua'as too Inshallah. May Allah SWT give us all a place in Jannah Inshallah. I Love you guys.