During my first trip to Makkah, as a 24-year-old, I met an inspirational mother of one, who eleven years after giving birth to her first child, desperately wanted another baby.
Three years after going through a divorce, I too, was desperate – to get married again.
When I told this sister about the feelings of disillusionment and loneliness I was experiencing, she told me how she was addressing her need during her time in this blessed city, and advised me to do the same. She told me that in every step she took during her pilgrimage, she would fervently make du'aa to Allah, asking Him to Bless her with another child. She said she did this during tawaaf, between Safaa and Marwa, everywhere she went, she reminded herself to make this du'aa, and she suggested that I implore Allah in a similar manner. I left the sister's hotel room, with a spring in my step, on a similar mission.
Everywhere I went, I begged Allah to Bless me with a husband: 'Oh Allah Grant me a husband who is a haafidh,' 'Oh Allah, Bless me with a husband who loves knowledge and is actively seeking it,' 'Oh Allah, Bless me with a husband who is willing to give up his life in Your Path.'
I didn't want to return home, to live the unfulfilling and empty life I felt I had been living, and poured these feelings out in my prayers, crying my heart out every step of the way.
When I returned to South Africa, I received a call from a relative, who told me she wanted to introduce me to a brother who had memorized the Qur'aan and who was actively studying the Deen. Excited that Allah had answered my prayers, I immediately agreed to the introduction. Well, I met the brother, I prayed Salaatul Istikhaarah, and you know what? I didn't end up marrying him.
After three years of not having being introduced to marital prospects, after Hajj I suddenly found myself inundated with calls from friends and family eager for me to meet brothers they felt I would be compatible with. I met them all. And I did not end up married to any of them.
You see, our Merciful Rabb was showing me that the time wasn't quite right for me to marry, that though there were hundreds of brothers in the world who possessed the criteria I was looking for, they were not necessarily the marriage partners He had destined for me, nor was the time right for me to marry. When the time was appropriate for me to marry, in His Divine Estimate, not in my limited understanding thereof, He would bring the right person into my life.
Uplifted by this realization, I re-motivated myself, and re-channeled my energy. I continued making du'aa for marriage yes, and I didn't stop making an effort towards meeting prospective husbands, but it was no longer the obsession it had become, the yardstick by which I had measured fulfillment. I sought fulfillment in other ways, immersing myself in teaching Islam to women and teenage girls, publishing Islamic reading material, working for Islamic radio stations and engaging in other forms of da'wah.
You're probably waiting for the part where I tell you about my happy ending – that, a few years later I met the man who had everything I wanted and more, and we got married and lived happily ever after.
But dear sister, influenced by the West, we attach different meanings to concepts which Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala has already defined, in the Qur'aan and through the teachings of Rasoolullaah sallallahu alayhi wassallam. Happiness doesn't start and end with getting the guy you want and living a life of bliss with him. Happiness is about passing the tests we are faced with in this world, remaining firm on our faith in spite of these tests and presenting ourselves to Allah on the Day of Qiyaamah, rich in good deeds. I did get married, yes. But again, it didn't work out.
So I'm living the 'single life' again. And dear sister, it isn't half as bad as people sometimes make it out to be.
Of course I want to get married again. And if anyone out there is unmarried, of course, you too, should want to marry and make an effort in this respect. For did not the Rasool of Allah Sallallahu alayhi wassallam tell us, 'Marriage is a sunnah (way) of mine, and whoever does not follow my Sunnah is not of my followers. Get married because I will display your outnumbering the other nations on the Day of Resurrection. Whoever has wealth should get married, and whoever does not should fast, because fasting is a restraint (of desire) for him.' (Ibn Maajah, authenticated by Al-Albaanee)
And this beautiful union has undeniable benefits. Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala has told us in the Qur'aan: 'And among His signs is that He created for you, from yourselves, spouses that you may dwell (in joy and security) unto them, and He set between you love and mercy; surely in that are signs for those who reflect.' (Surah Ar-Room 30:21)
And: 'They are a garment for you and you are a garment for them.' (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:187)
But having said that, we have to remember that just like marriage is an integral part of faith, so too is exercising trust and patience in the decree of Allah.
People may say that you and I are not married because we are too fussy, or difficult to get along with, etc. etc. and perhaps we can analyze what they are saying and if we conclude that they are correct, then we can work hard towards rectifying that aspect of our character for the Pleasure of Allah. But having done that, we have to realize, that ultimately, we are not married because Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala has Willed for us to be single at this point in time.
Now we have a choice. Either we can lose sleep over it, beat ourselves up every day, and feel really sorry for ourselves. Or we can recognize that the time we have on our hands is a gift from Allah, an amaanah, not to be wasted in counter-productive thoughts and futile tears and fears.
And we can start spending this time beneficially, by engaging in activities which our married sisters might not always be able to enjoy: seeking knowledge, being active in da'wah, volunteering our time to organizations which serve the poor and aged, spending quality time with our parents, babysitting for our married friends so they can spend some time engaging in these activities, the list goes on and on.
And this my dear sister, is how the single life should be lived. If Allah Subhaanahu wa Ta'ala Wills, somewhere in the midst of living and reveling in the joy and fulfillment such a life brings, Mr. Right will come along. And if he doesn't, so what? Perhaps he will be waiting for you in Jannah, a reward for the patience you exercised in this transient world!
Being unmarried undeniably comes with its challenges, just like marriage does. But it isn't the end of the world. And it shouldn't be. So get up, take a deep breath, hand this affair over to Allah, and start living the life He has given you!
Great post sister!! It's great how you said that we shouldn't base our lives around a man. We should all pray to Allah whenever we want something and know that Allah knows best. We may not get what we want right away, but when we do it will be great!! This is a wonderful story and I wish you the best sister!!
It fascinates me in general to see folks view on marriage, whether eastern or western..
I have always had this asphyxiating feeling whenever a 'proposition' came about.. like someone robbing me of my very life..
I don't unfortunately have a favorable view of marriage just looking at the married folks around me, bro, srs even parents.. so the decision to be 'accepting of the life God gave me' is not a mere acceptance but a blessing...
I don't think many people in fact appreciate that.. I know it is the norm to be married.. but it is more than ok not to be married too..
great post
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
It fascinates me in general to see folks view on marriage, whether eastern or western..
I have always had this asphyxiating feeling whenever a 'proposition' came about.. like someone robbing me of my very life..
I don't unfortunately have a favorable view of marriage just looking at the married folks around me, bro, srs even parents.. so the decision to be 'accepting of the life God gave me' is not a mere acceptance but a blessing...
I don't think many people in fact appreciate that.. I know it is the norm to be married.. but it is more than ok not to be married too..
great post
For those who are single moms or divorced or widow, it is hard finding a good spouse though no fault of it is their own. We have bred a culture in the asian and arab world that values virgin so highly that we shun anyone who is not virgin, even by halal means. We also shun the permissibility of polygamy to deal with the growing divorce, widow or single mom problem.
As for singles, they have no excuse to not marry. To say it is not for me, no one is made for me, or i hate marriage, or i can live happily without marraige or any other excuse for that matter; to say such things and shy away from marriage is not part of Sunnah. Marriage is a religious duty and is consequently a moral safeguard as well as a social necessity. Marriage is ibadaah. Islam does not equal celibacy with high "taqwa" / "Iman". The prophet has also said, "Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from is not from amongst me".
See it not as somebody robbing you but as somebody gifting you with their life to share and experience love in a halal way....
It's not a subtraction, not theft. It's a sweet addition.
WassalamuAlaykum
Romanticism is sweet when you are a teenager and idealistic.. perhaps that is one of the benefits of marrying young really, you can grow old and accustomed to habits together.. not so after you have evolved singularly as a human being -- it is no longer about gifts and tradition and fulfillment of sexual desires (that hormone surge does cloud your judgment) no longer so-- after a stage it plateaus and you reason more clearly -- plans become more realistic.. more long term it becomes about compatibility and companionship and that is seldom attained.. men tend to mature emotionally much later in life.. anyway, I think everyone's opinion here is distracting from the purpose and reason of the original post-- which I genuinely believe should be respected not as a negating opinion from the norm, rather for what it is, a reality that so many desire not to speak about because it is too outlandish or taboo(ish) they'd rather hide behind flowery dreams-- when the reality is anything but... perhaps it might even give some the opportunity to examine what is wrong with their lives on a level deeper than the superficial?!
format_quote Originally Posted by islamirama
For those who are single moms or divorced or widow, it is hard finding a good spouse though no fault of it is their own. We have bred a culture in the asian and arab world that values virgin so highly that we shun anyone who is not virgin, even by halal means. We also shun the permissibility of polygamy to deal with the growing divorce, widow or single mom problem.
As for singles, they have no excuse to not marry. To say it is not for me, no one is made for me, or i hate marriage, or i can live happily without marraige or any other excuse for that matter; to say such things and shy away from marriage is not part of Sunnah. Marriage is a religious duty and is consequently a moral safeguard as well as a social necessity. Marriage is ibadaah. Islam does not equal celibacy with high "taqwa" / "Iman". The prophet has also said, "Marriage is my tradition who so ever keeps away there from is not from amongst me".
I think you read too much between the lines, looking for things that aren't actually there?.. this has nothing to do with the value of virginity, excuses, hormones, or shunning of sunna or hatred of men ... my above reply, reflects my opinion, if I thought more along 'your thoughts' I'd simply stick em in there unabashed?
This comes down to finding a right fit for you.
I think more people reflect more on the right wedding dress and how to furnish their bedroom than whether or not they have found the right partner.. the right partner isn't about ye big by ye tall with a sizable account and a decent car, at least not as far as most discerning folks are concerned---perhaps that is why many marriages actually end up in divorce?
Until men and woman in 'our area of the world' for the most part mature about the responsibilities and the true meaning of marriage will we have thoughts and posters unripened along what usually see here..
and I think in a way that is what the original publisher is trying to say..
judgment, and other people's ideologies along with the difficulties one faces in their personal life are not only harsh and imposing but make it difficult for those who genuinely have a difficult time finding a suitable partner into caving in out of coercion or adherence to social norms into a miserable life, just for the sake of appearances--
Last edited by جوري; 11-30-2008 at 10:07 PM.
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
One brother i know came up with an idea that's got me thinking and the more i think about it the more i feel its a great idea, he talked about not marrying but just adopting a child moving into a nice small house with his mother, and in that way he will get ajr for looking after his mum and also caring for an orphan
with all this talk about compatibility? i dont know....., allah is the only one that can provide the correct match but in the mean time its wise to hibernate the constant thoughts of marriage and just to lead a normal life
^^ that is actually it.. people are so consumed with marriage it almost disables them from having a normal life when they become of age..
If it happens it happens, if it doesn't then it doesn't.. it is not a life or limb emergency!
Text without context is pretext If your opponent is of choleric temperament, seek to irritate him
Marriage is part of sunnah and is also scared in Islam. It's not something we should be consumed with nor something we should take lightly and neglect. The sunnah has clearly layed out proper guidelines to take in seeking a spouse, and proper conduct and composure for life after marriage. There will always be those who are ignorant of islam and those who are full of culture as well. For those whom it doesn't work out, there's always another day, and in meantime they should live their lives. Those who are still single and haven't tasted it yet. Stick to the sunnah and do things right and Allah will put barakah in your actions and marriage inshallah.
in our modern society where fulfilling relationships and friendship outside of marriage are available, as well as the evolution of gender roles, less and less people-mostly women?- want to be burdened with marriage. I wonder if telling people it's sunnah will help that much..
Hey there! Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
When you create an account, we remember exactly what you've read, so you always come right back where you left off. You also get notifications, here and via email, whenever new posts are made. And you can like posts and share your thoughts. Sign Up
SMILE! ALLAH LOVES YOU 
Hide
Looks like you're enjoying the discussion, but you're not signed up for an account.
Posting Permissions
Bookmarks