Salam alaikum. We have 2 children. My husband has gave up smoking for many months but has started again. He also smokes skunk(cannabis). He is unemployed and I have been supporting him for years. He has had a bit of work but not much. He hasnt been able to find anything.
I believe that smoking is haram and obviously drugs are haram but he makes me pay for them. What can I do? Am I committing haram by giving him the money for them? We dont even have much money for general living expenses we are always struggling and have many debts. If I refuse he gets angry and starts saying that when he was working he used to give me the money and now that hes not working and i am I dont give him the money and I'm selfish blah blah. I dont know what to do. What should I do? Please help with advice.
Jazakallah khair.
Salam alaikum. We have 2 children. My husband has gave up smoking for many months but has started again. He also smokes skunk(cannabis). He is unemployed and I have been supporting him for years. He has had a bit of work but not much. He hasnt been able to find anything.
I believe that smoking is haram and obviously drugs are haram but he makes me pay for them. What can I do? Am I committing haram by giving him the money for them? We dont even have much money for general living expenses we are always struggling and have many debts. If I refuse he gets angry and starts saying that when he was working he used to give me the money and now that hes not working and i am I dont give him the money and I'm selfish blah blah. I dont know what to do. What should I do? Please help with advice.
Jazakallah khair.
Sorry sister that you are facing such troubles , but he needs to stop smoking "skunk" that stuff ruins your life, you need him to go see a doctor or a counsellor someone who can help him quit. Not surprised he's having mood swings and angry its just some of the many effects the drug can have on him.
When you've gotten him to quit you can think about getting him back on the road of employment etc. If you look on the internet shouldn't take long to find a drug abuse/counselling group close to you.
To my Akh's tryin to stay on their deen
It gets mean especially when u stay on the scene
And at the same try to stay out of trouble
But don't forget the blessing's in the struggle...
You gotta stay on your salats, your zakats, your Quran
Selam aleykum
Yes drugs is definitely haram and dangerous. As to whether helping him with money to buy this stuff, you should ask a scholar for proper advice. Normally I would be inclined to say that that should not be done, but since he's your husband and a sudden withdraw might cause violent behaviour in addicts that poses an extra difficulty to take into consideration. What I can say though, is that his argument is un-islamic. It is the man's role to provide food and shelter for the family. By providing that in his place you are already doing more then you are required to. Off course that is perfectly allowed for you to do. But that also means he certainly cannot say you're being selfish for not granting him his addiction, since you're already taking over his responsibilities. And just because he provided you money for food and shelter and perhaps even luxeries, does not mean that now you have to help him destroy himself. In fact, by not giving in to his addiction you are actually helping him, although he probably won't see it that way.
So my advice? Be strong, get help for both yourself as well as for your partner. A good start would be by talking to him, explaining the problem. Explaining him why you think this is a problem. Give him a wake-up call to the severity of the situation. That this is not just some trivial issue that a couple is having a disagreement on, but a very serious issue that has eventually lead to many couples divorcing in the past, and will probably lead to many more couples in the future divorcing as well. If he insist firmly on continuing to live in sin, despite beter knowledge, his sin will become a form of shirk for him. If he still refuses to do anything about this, and leaves you with no other option then you should perhaps consider divorcing him. For your own, as well as for you're children's well-being and afterlife.
Last edited by Abdul Fattah; 01-27-2010 at 11:59 AM.
The problem is hes not prepared to quit or get any help.
I agree with brother Abdul Fattah, he needs a wake up call and you should ask a scholar for proper advice. You need to show him the damage that this stuff can do to not only his health but others close to him. Until he's able to quit and get the help he does need he won't move forward. You need more specialist advice and help, but is there any close family relatives from either your or your husband side that he'd listen to or someone else to give you a hand in getting him help?
To my Akh's tryin to stay on their deen
It gets mean especially when u stay on the scene
And at the same try to stay out of trouble
But don't forget the blessing's in the struggle...
You gotta stay on your salats, your zakats, your Quran
No he wouldnt listen to anyone and he would be even more angry to know that I had told them. He wont even listen to his parents they are in Pakistan. When he was in a bad way ages ago i told them he was drinking alcohol and always in a state of drunkeness and smoking drugs and stuff. At least hes not drinking now.
He just wants to do what he wants. He doesnt care about what others think.
I managed to influence him last year and he started praying 5 times a day but that didnt last long. I pray for him everyday but I dont know what else i can do?
No he wouldnt listen to anyone and he would be even more angry to know that I had told them. He wont even listen to his parents they are in Pakistan. When he was in a bad way ages ago i told them he was drinking alcohol and always in a state of drunkeness and smoking drugs and stuff. At least hes not drinking now.
He just wants to do what he wants. He doesnt care about what others think.
I managed to influence him last year and he started praying 5 times a day but that didnt last long. I pray for him everyday but I dont know what else i can do?
I think you need more specialist help, Imam or someone who's experienced in dealing with this situation, its obvious the drug addiction is severe. If he's not prepared to listen in my very little experience drug addicts come to there senses when they hit rock bottom and have a wake up call. Unfortunately there isn't a easy fix to this, but in my opinion maybe if you decided to move away to your relatives house for a while, for the sake of your children and yourself. And told him he needs to get his act together and get the help he needs and if he doesn't like brother Abdul Fattah "leaves you with no other option then you should perhaps consider divorcing him".
But sister i don't think this forum will help you as much as a real counsellor will, nevertheless i hope this helps. Maybe more experienced brothers and sisters could give you better advice .
To my Akh's tryin to stay on their deen
It gets mean especially when u stay on the scene
And at the same try to stay out of trouble
But don't forget the blessing's in the struggle...
You gotta stay on your salats, your zakats, your Quran
Subhanallah, you must feel so special knowing that Allah can be bothered enough to put you in this struggle. He wants your attention. That is a priviledge.
You sound young...and so does your husband. Actually, it sounds like you guys got married young. He is living the result of a careless youth and I guess he was so careless coz he had you to lean on when he should have been developing sense and principles.
Firstly, drugs are harmful and should not be tolerated by anyone. Your children are growing up and let me tell you something...if he is smoking skunk now, he can do anything. It will deteriorate his senses until he starts gambling for drug money or something. He is a parasite at the moment, feeding off his host, ie, you.
You must love him and care for him a lot. You pray for him and for gods sake you give him your income and support him. I urge you to sit next to him tonight and just look at him and ask him if he loves you. I know how silly that may sound to him...a pakistani guy well over his romantic years..but it will get him thinking over time...and his reaction will get you thinking too. Why? Coz without mutual love, this relationship is useless. He can love the kids all he wants but if he doesnt love you, he's not worth it. And if he does love you...he should prove it..and your conditions should be easier to do for him than tying his shoelaces coz love doesnt require effort and anything done in or for love should be effortless.
Let me know how it goes down if you choose to go ahead with it.
Peace.
"'Cause I hear the whispered words
In your masterpiece beautiful
You speak the unspeakable through
I love you too"
I agree with sevgi in that you need to sit down with him and talk to him (when he's sober). Ask him why he is smoking. Maybe you already know. Is because he has no work? Is he depressed? or is there something else on his mind he wants to forget?
You need to find out why he keeps going back to smoking this stuff because the product in itself is not addictive so there must be something pushing him. Does he hang around people who smoke or have a bad influence on him?
Explain to him that he needs to be good to his children, good to you, and good to himself (because smoking that stuff long enough will mess up even the strongest people).
Try and give him something to do everyday so he doesn't have time. Say you're too busy at work to do the shopping, or to take the kids to the park, or the doctor or something which gets him out of the house and in places he cannot smoke.
Btw you seem like a really good wife who is sticking by her husband through a very hard time. I'm sure when he gets past this rough patch he will realise that.
You need to find out why he keeps going back to smoking this stuff because the product in itself is not addictive .
On that note yeah its not actually addictive like heroin and it's possible to smoke a small amount over a long period of time, some people increase their use and become psychologically dependent and therefore it becomes hard to get through the day without a spliff. If he's not feeling ready to face counsellors or doctors alot of website that offer self help, tips and info about cannabis and how to cut down like this one:
To my Akh's tryin to stay on their deen
It gets mean especially when u stay on the scene
And at the same try to stay out of trouble
But don't forget the blessing's in the struggle...
You gotta stay on your salats, your zakats, your Quran
this is tough sister especially when both of you have kids what influence they will get from there dad. its scary to think about. ive been to a mental institution(not me! my brother have been admitted there) and i have seen what drugs have done to people the doctor walked me through the wards and there was people literally brain damaged because of this stuff.
here i pasted you some information on it you can show to your husband.
Effects of cannabis
Cannabis has both psychological and physiological effects on the human body. The effects of cannabis are caused by cannabinoids, most notably tetrahydrocannabinol (THC). Five European countries, Canada, and thirteen US states have legalized medical cannabis if prescribed for nausea, pain, and alleviation of symptoms surrounding chronic illness, although it remains banned, but decriminalized under US federal law.
Acute effects while under the influence can include euphoria, anxiety, temporary short-term memory loss, and circulation effects which may increase risks of heart attacks and strokes. However, chronic use is not associated with some cardiovascular risk factors such as blood triglyceride levels and blood pressure, as indicated in a longitudinal study. The evidence of long-term effects on memory is preliminary and hindered by confounding factors.] Concerns have been raised about the potential for long-term cannabis consumption to increase risk for schizophrenia, bipolar disorders, and major depression, but the ultimate conclusions on these factors are disputed.
ask him dose he want to be around for his kids if yes then he needs to quit otherwise he could end up in an early grave. you need to make him realise this
This is a tough situation. Obviously you love and care for this man because he is your husband, the father of your children and you have stayed with him through his *rough* patch.
That is a good thing that he has stopped drinking alhumdulillah and he has even shown that he is capable and willing (at least at one point) to pray and further himself religiously.
It seems he has some addiction problems. You could wait to talk to him when he is sober but he may agree that he knows it's wrong and he wants to try and quit but later on go right back to it. He might not be able to help himself since he has kept this habit for so long. He needs some professional help and I advise you to seek some for yourself also because this has got to be affecting you negatively as well. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids. Sometimes we think our kids don't know what's going on because they're too young but children really know a lot more than we give them credit for.
Be patient but be proactive and I hope Allah will ease your difficulties insha'Allah.
Was-salaam.
"And hold fast unto Allah, He is your protector, the best to protect and the best to help"
I am sorry you have to deal with this. Has he always been this way? Is he just depressed about not having a job and using drugs as an outlet? I feel worse for the children. I can't imagine he is spending to much time with them. Have you tried an intervention, so-to-speak?
May Allah reward u for ur patience ukthee. No matter how special he is to u, this is not a man that u want ur kids to look upto. Islamically speaking he doesn't have any right to ur money, u can give it but its his responsibility to take care of u n ur kids.
Sit down wit him tell him that if he doesnt wake up, u will consider leaving. Hit him wit the truth no matter how painful... he needs to hear it. When he realises wats at stake..His wife n Children he might find strength to change InshaAllah. May Allah guide him ameen.
Learn Patience from Asiyah, Loyalty from Khadijah, Sincerity from Aisha and Steadfastness from Fatima.
I refuse he gets angry and starts saying that when he was working he used to give me the money and now that hes not working and i am I dont give him the money and I'm selfish blah blah.
ask him if he thinks he is being selfish by expecting you to work hard to fuel his drug addiction?
He needs to be slapped silly so he can wake up and realise what he has got alhumdulillah before he loses it all. are there any medical outlets there that can help him? visiting his doctor who can get him on an off-drug program?
how about if you chucked him out or left him just to give him a wake up call? because the reality is, if he continues this way he WILL lose you and your kids and it is not the way he wants his kids to see him right?
Our Lord! Verily, we have heard the call of one calling to Faith: 'Believe in your Lord,' and we have believed.
Our Lord! Forgive us our sins and expiate from us our evil deeds, and make us die (in the state of righteousness) along with Al-Abrar
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, but he needs to stop smoking "skunk" that stuff ruins your life, you need him to go see a doctor or a counsellor someone who can help him quit. Not surprised he's having mood swings and angry its just some of the many effects the drug can have on him.
.
this is tough sister especially when both of you have kids 
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