Problems with in-laws and dowry
Lately, i am very hurt, upset and confused. I have recently been married and am living with my husbands parents and i do not like the atmosphere that is there in their house as me and my husband are the only two people that pray or practice Islam properly.
It gets awkward because i am 7 months pregnant and we were given the smallest room in the house where i cannot imagine how a cot could possible fit there. My husband has 4 other brothers living there who are fully grown and his mother has problems communicating with me, she never makes conversation but jus wants me to do the housework (which i willingly do to help her) but always wants me to dress up and greet her friends which i do not like to do as i do not like wearing anything i am not comfortable in and also i do not always have the time as i am a full time student too.
She is always asking where i am going and what time i am going to be back. She also suggested that i cut down on my hours in university, which i do not want to do as i am trying to educate myself and bring a better future for myself and my family. When me and my husband go out (once in a blue moon), we get told off for being late (latest = 11pm) but when he goes out with his friends, he doesn't get enquired about.
Lately, i have found out that she speaks behind my back to her friends (one thing i cannot stand is backbiting and gossiping, my Allah SWT forgive those) but i can ignore that. However, she enters my room without me or my husband knowing. I have a locked cabinet where i keep my valuebles which include expensive gold jewellery i had recieved as part of my wedding dowry and gifts from various people, my wedding ring (the only reason i do not wear it is because my husband said he will alter it for me) and some other things. She found my keys in my drawer and managed to take all of that. Please someone tell me, is that not stealing? Is it permissible to enter someone's room/house without their permission? Also, how can you take a wedding dowry back?
I have spoken to my husband about moving out and he told me to start looking for a place and i found a perfect place but he is hesitating to tell his parents. Also, when he spoke to his parents about moving out before, they were not very happy about it. I was very very hurt and upset upon hearing that his mum had said to him that i will kick him out one day and i am of a bad influence.
I have never had any arguments before with anyone in his household and i am very scared to speak to his mother about why she had stolen my stuff or what i have ever done wrong.
Me and my husband had married young, so i provide for myself most of the time and i have never asked for anything from him other than for him to provide me and our daughter-to-be(inshallah) with love, care and affection. I also have kindly requested that i need to move out before there are further issues in the household between me and his family. He had promised me this earlier but now does not even speak of it and i'm scared to mention this as i dont want to pressurise him.
Recently, he has got a new job, so inshallah he will try harder to provide for us. However, i am also deeply hurt that upon our marriage he had promised me £2,000 as part of the Dowry in agreement with my family and when i asked him "if i asked for it now, how will you give it to me?", he couldn't answer. When i told him after weeks of keeping it inside me that his mother is doing wrong and going through my stuff as well as taking them, he doesn't update me on whether he had spoken to his mother or not. I am currently away at my parents house so i don't know what's going on. I am upset that he doesn't mention anything to me and i am scared of what to do because i find it hard to stand up for myself. I can only count on Allah SWT
Please make dua for me. Sorry for the long post.
entering into your room and getting those keys without your permission is stealing. The fact that she did it without feeling any guilt shows that she thinks she is the goddess of that house. Maybe she thought she is entering her child's room over whom she has full control and hence she does not need to ask? Wallahu Aalam.
Wa alaykum salam,
Sis, the best thing that can be done for you is to leave the house as soon as possible. Be firm with your husband to make arrangements. If not now, you will always put it off.
Tell him he needs to man up, so to speak. It's for the overall good and I'm sure even he realises that. There will always be such tension especially if you're living in a crowded place.
wa alaykum us-Salaam
may allah ease your burdens.
why dont you just firmly but kindly ask your belongings back. i would suggest to steal them back, but i dont know if that's permissible.
all the best.
Wa'alaikuma s'salaam,
personally i would stay at your parents home and not go back till he gets his own place and tell him to tell his mother to give you the stuff she stole. You are a grown woman who can provide for yourself, the moment you stop your education you will become dependent on them and they will abuse you more. You need to talk to your parents and tell them what is going on. If your mother in law is going to be steall immature backstabbing gossiper than your parents need to know so they can talk to them. They deserve to know how their daughter is being treated, especially if you can't stand up for yourself. They can demand for you that your husband gets his own place and that women return your stuff she stole. This way even she will know that you and your parents know whats going on, and if she has any haya than she will feel ashamed of it. You might as well move out and hear here b*tch about you than stay there and still here the same crap.
i just want to puke that is sickening a mother in law doing that to you. she should fear Allah swt she had no right what so ever to do that to you. i feel so bad for you sis and i know why your afraid to speak out because your afraid of what your husband will say and you dont want to be accused of disrespecting his mum. maybe that is exactly what she wants
only Allah knows her intentions but i think its pretty obvious what she is trying to do here and you should ask ALLAH to reveal her true colors to everyone.
this is your right to have your own place. islam says this and there is nothing his mum or dad can do anything. Allah has allowed a married couple to have there own place. anything Allah has said nobody can object to it
Sister i advice you to do action now rather then later cuz the more you wait the more problem that comes.
Talk to your parents and make a firm decision especially when you have baby on the way.Imagine how stressful it will be when you have the baby the sooner you deal with this problem the better.
Dear all,
Thank you for replying, i really appreciate that.
I have spoken to my parents and they too are disgusted upon hearing about the way she acts so my mum and dad spoke to his parents. My parents have explained to them that me and my husband are a married couple now and whether we live with them or not, they should not interfere with the decisions we make with our lives. My father had also explained that he gave my hand in marriage to him in trust that he will look after me and protect me so nobody, including his mother should have the right to make my life miserable considering that i am generally a quiet and happy person that likes to stay out of peoples way. I have never ever spoken or acted out of disrespect to anyone in their household. I simply do not understand why this is happening to me.
They don't understand that i'm 7 months pregnant and need support but i just ignore that.
I have told my husband that he should just tell his mother to put my belongings back in the places they were and i don't want to discuss or mention it further to anyone. Stealing is such a shameful act.
I have explained to my husband that as a muslim woman, i too have a lot of rights that he needs to consider and wanting to move out is a decision we need to make together. I have spoken to my husband about the property that i have picked out and inshallah we are going to view that tonight. Please make dua for us.
PS, am i doing the right thing?
My husband seems to be happy to start a new life with our little family inshallah x
Sister i am very sorry for what you are facing, having such tensions when you are pregnant is not healthy.Hope those get solved soon.
From what i have seen , this kind of behavior is not totally uncommon.I have seen a few such cases before.People tend to pick on someone in the family who is practising by saying that they are showing off.Your mom-in-law might also be feeling that anxiousness which each mother feels after a son's marriage.Since her son is not her anymore but belongs to his wife.So be patient and moving out might be best option if they still continue to treat you in such a way.
Of course you are. You have every right to and you're not contravening any Islamic rule.format_quote Originally Posted by xsmilesx
Inshallah this is the best course of action. By your parents talking to his parents, they know they can't do whatever they want with you and get away. Your husband has to give you your islamic rights if he cares about his akhirah. This will be good for you and the baby inshallah. May Allah make it easy for you, ameen.
My first reply to you was lost because the forum logged me out when I went to pray lol. But reading your newest post, all I can say is that you are doing the best thing. Don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty. I ask Allah to bless your new home and marriage. Ameen.
Yeah, i'm really really grateful for them but inshallah i will also always want to look out for my child and make sure they are not unhappy.format_quote Originally Posted by Scents of Jannah
My first reply to you was lost because the forum logged me out when I went to pray lol. But reading your newest post, all I can say is that you are doing the best thing. Don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty. I ask Allah to bless your new home and marriage. Ameen.
Thanks to everybody for making dua for me, slowly everything seems to be getting better. Me and my husband have made an offer on a place, inshallah everything works out and thewe can move in there in 3 weeks.
Asalaamu Alaikum Wr Wb, jazakallah khayr for sharing your experiences and feelings. May Allah make things easy for you sister and this is a test of patience for you.format_quote Originally Posted by xsmilesx
Lately, i am very hurt, upset and confused. I have recently been married and am living with my husbands parents and i do not like the atmosphere that is there in their house as me and my husband are the only two people that pray or practice Islam properly.
It gets awkward because i am 7 months pregnant and we were given the smallest room in the house where i cannot imagine how a cot could possible fit there. My husband has 4 other brothers living there who are fully grown and his mother has problems communicating with me, she never makes conversation but jus wants me to do the housework (which i willingly do to help her) but always wants me to dress up and greet her friends which i do not like to do as i do not like wearing anything i am not comfortable in and also i do not always have the time as i am a full time student too.
She is always asking where i am going and what time i am going to be back. She also suggested that i cut down on my hours in university, which i do not want to do as i am trying to educate myself and bring a better future for myself and my family. When me and my husband go out (once in a blue moon), we get told off for being late (latest = 11pm) but when he goes out with his friends, he doesn't get enquired about.
Lately, i have found out that she speaks behind my back to her friends (one thing i cannot stand is backbiting and gossiping, my Allah SWT forgive those) but i can ignore that. However, she enters my room without me or my husband knowing. I have a locked cabinet where i keep my valuebles which include expensive gold jewellery i had recieved as part of my wedding dowry and gifts from various people, my wedding ring (the only reason i do not wear it is because my husband said he will alter it for me) and some other things. She found my keys in my drawer and managed to take all of that. Please someone tell me, is that not stealing? Is it permissible to enter someone's room/house without their permission? Also, how can you take a wedding dowry back?
I have spoken to my husband about moving out and he told me to start looking for a place and i found a perfect place but he is hesitating to tell his parents. Also, when he spoke to his parents about moving out before, they were not very happy about it. I was very very hurt and upset upon hearing that his mum had said to him that i will kick him out one day and i am of a bad influence.
I have never had any arguments before with anyone in his household and i am very scared to speak to his mother about why she had stolen my stuff or what i have ever done wrong.
Me and my husband had married young, so i provide for myself most of the time and i have never asked for anything from him other than for him to provide me and our daughter-to-be(inshallah) with love, care and affection. I also have kindly requested that i need to move out before there are further issues in the household between me and his family. He had promised me this earlier but now does not even speak of it and i'm scared to mention this as i dont want to pressurise him.
Recently, he has got a new job, so inshallah he will try harder to provide for us. However, i am also deeply hurt that upon our marriage he had promised me £2,000 as part of the Dowry in agreement with my family and when i asked him "if i asked for it now, how will you give it to me?", he couldn't answer. When i told him after weeks of keeping it inside me that his mother is doing wrong and going through my stuff as well as taking them, he doesn't update me on whether he had spoken to his mother or not. I am currently away at my parents house so i don't know what's going on. I am upset that he doesn't mention anything to me and i am scared of what to do because i find it hard to stand up for myself. I can only count on Allah SWT
Please make dua for me. Sorry for the long post.
Firstly sister if your husband is practising then he should be well aware that it is forbidden for his wife to live in a house with so many non mahrams. You should urge him that he must move immediatley and that you cannot be around non mahrams like his brothers.
Once you have moved then you will never have to answer to your mother in law because of the fact you are living in her house she feels she has some control over you and her son.
Also you should continue to ask your husband to ask his mother about your jewellery which is your rightful property and you should say to him that if he cares for his mother then would he want her to be in sin for taking her jewellery like that? So he should take action to get your jewellery returned to you which is your rightful property.
In regards to the dowry your husband should also pay it as was agreed. You can come to an arrange with him to pay it in instalments inshallah.
Regardless of how your mother in law treats you then treat her the best in return. Your reward is not with her it is with Allah and he rewards those who are patient and treat others the best even though they may not treat them the same.
May Allah give you all the blessings in the world in your marriage. Ameen
and Allah knows best in all matters
Wa Alaikum Asalaam
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