Please help: I'm a bit frustrated with my muslim girlfriend.. advice?

[Haider_Ali]

Salaam everyone,

first off PLEASE do not judge, or take this a joke, and please read everything before answering. Thanks so much.

My girlfriend is muslim, and although i was christened a catholic my family aren't strict and i have no religion currently. I signed up here because i am very interested in converting to Islam, however that is another issue altogether.

When my girlfriend and I met we were at work. She a muslim (British-Pakistani) born in England, and me a White British man. I am 21, and she is 25. We have been dating for 10 months now, and everything has been seeming do go well so far mashallah, we are happy together.

I am currently going through a divorce which will be over by the end of November 2010, i lived in America and was married, now im home and have no ties back to my ex or anything else. My girlfriend, although wanting this chapter to be over (her words) is aware and comfortable with this. She has met my mum who i live with and they get on amazingly, my mum respects her religion. Her parents and sister (who is married 3 years) know about me, although i have not yet met them in person. I got them a gift and a card for eid which they loved, and they also gave my girlfriend food to bring to my house.

We see each other sometimes 4 hours a week, first off this frustrates me. I work 8-5, she works 9-6.. she pops over until 7:30pm and then disappears home everynight with committments, and usually has family things to do at the weekend. Occassionaly she suggest booking time off together and we enjoy it greatly. Is this normal, only 4 hours a week?

I want to meet her parents and she says she plans to once i am divorced, she is not going to tell them of my previous marriage. I requested a relationship with her on facebook and asked if i can post pictures of our day out to London Zoo, she declined for ages saying her live is private. Eventually i got it out of her that her sister was oncem arried to a white man who divorced her, and she fears her two female cousins from Pakistan who have a "one track mind" to post rude comments on pictures of us two together. I've told her i will delete it and move on, she and her immediate family matter to me, not her distant cousins. (although i will respect them if i meet them.)

She is still anxious, and isn't ready to do this and it's been 10 months. When i came back to the UK i didn't intend to meet anybody and get my head down with life, but i met her and we've fallen for each other. I love her. She shows me every single sign she loves me but hasn't yet said it to me, she said when the time is right. She is a virgin, which im grateful for and respect due to Islam. We have gotten physical.. touching private parts only. Although shameful, we have also spoke of being together in the future. Marrying her would be great, although i can't keep talking about it as she clams up.

What should i do, and what do you think?

Please be kind Brothers and Sisters, i love my girlfriend and i mean no offence in this post.

Kind Regards,

Allah Hafiz.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Wa`Alaaykum Salaam

I have a Q regarding this part below, What are the reason you are interested in Islaam? I am curious

I signed up here because i am very interested in converting to Islam

Also i would like for you to check this thread out : D, i hope it helps, its the answer to your Q basically according to Islaam, in the thread inshaAllaah, i hope you find it Beneficial! I advice you to read it all! 3 Is a Company

And Allaah Knows Best!

Peace

[Haider_Ali]

I'm interested due to my own discoverings. It's no secret i first reseached Islam due to my girlfriend, to understand better. However, i have a lot of Pakistani and Bangladeshi muslim friends whom i play cricket with. They gave me books and i read up, and i genuinely am drawn to it. I even fasted during ramadan just gone and ate Iftaari with my friends regularly.

I feel it is a clean way of life and a way of respecting our creator, Allah. And although it will be hard to resist Shaitain.. mainly due to alcohol, porn.. as i have had this for a number of years. I want to learn to keep him at bay with the help of Allah almighty.

I bet you are surprised at my answer, and thought it would be solely d ue to my girlfriend. Ironically i feel she likes me better without my Islamic interest, as im more fun in her eyes. Although i could be being paranoid. She said whether i convert or not is not an issue for our relationship and i should do what i feel is right.

[S<Chowdhury]

Salaam,

Dude did you miss the part where having a GF/BF is haraam (sinful) in Islam
http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/1114/girlfriend

.....and she can't marry you if your not a Muslim
http://www.islam-qa.com/en/ref/115.

I think you need space Brother from her and really look deep down if you want to turn to Islam and if you are serious about her then repent for your sins and the same applies to her.

[PouringRain]

Since this was not posted in the advice section, then I can reply.

To be honest, I think you should respect that she wants to wait until your divorce is finished before you meet her family. I think one of the most surprising things I read in your post is that you are dating a woman and doing intimate things with her while you are still married. Call it separated, divorcing, whatever, but legally you are still married. No wonder your gf doesn't want her family to know you were married previously. She is probably more concerned that they discover she is doing naughty things with a married man.

On this forum you will get replies that dating is forbidden in Islam, and so is touching private places, and so is other things the two of you are doing. That also might be why this girl is hesitant to have you meet her family. Her family might "know about you" but not in the way that you want them to know about you. She may have simply told them she knows a nice man who is looking at converting to Islam, and btw he gave you all these nice eid gifts. I do not know her, so I can not say for certain what she has and has not told her family. All I can say is that this girl seems to sneak around and bend the truth. It would not surprise me one bit if what she told her family about you is not at all that she is dating you and one day wants to marry you. She may not even feel that she is being dishonest. She may believe that she is simply trying to slowly prepare them and get them accustomed to you.

The fact that she clams up when you mention marriage could be sue to a lot of things. Perhaps she is not yet thinking marriage and she is simply thinking "good time." Perhaps she does want to marry you, but her family has different plans and she is afraid to disappoint both you and also her family. Perhaps she is afraid to talk marriage when you are still currently married. Perhaps she is afraid to talk marriage, because she would first expect you to go to her family and ask permission to marry her. I can think of many, many reasons why she may not want to talk marriage with you.

You ask if 4 hours a week is "normal." Normal for what? To be honest, meeting only 4 hours a week and having a physically intimate relationship is.... well, to put it nicely, it is not what I would call normal, love, etc. Ignoring the fact that she should not be dating as a muslim female, and ignoring the fact that she should not be alone with you as a muslim female, and ignoring the fact that she should not be physical as a muslim female.... putting all of that aside..... a four hour a week, physically intimate relationship is like a recipe for disaster. I am not suggesting you see her greater lengths of time. I am suggesting you re-evaluate the whole thing. Four hours a week is not the problem. Some people marry each other having spent far less time together than that, and have long, full, happy marriages. The time is not the problem. Other things are the problem, and not just the intimacy. You go to the zoo, how nice!, but she doesn't want to be seen with you? Maybe you need to step back to a courting type of strategy and re-evaluate the relationship.

I hope my post did not seem very harsh. That was not my intent. I'd say the same thing to someone regardless of their religion. You have concerns and are frustrated, rightfully so, but please do not overlook your own contributions to the problems.

[S<Chowdhury]

We see each other sometimes 4 hours a week, first off this frustrates me. I work 8-5, she works 9-6.. she pops over until 7:30pm and then disappears home everynight with committments, and usually has family things to do at the weekend. Occassionaly she suggest booking time off together and we enjoy it greatly. Is this normal, only 4 hours a week?

I know that sux alot i have the same thing with my wife i work late nights so when i come home she's already off to Uni but just have to make time but right now like i said its not the best thing for you to do it'd be sinful

I I requested a relationship with her on facebook and asked if i can post pictures of our day out to London Zoo, she declined for ages saying her live is private.

Really? come on its FB with all due respect hell with all this FB relationship status she clearly isn't ready to be public about because it is sinful and shameful... Islam doesn't permit pre-martial relationship.

She is still anxious, and isn't ready to do this and it's been 10 months. When i came back to the UK i didn't intend to meet anybody and get my head down with life, but i met her and we've fallen for each other. I love her. She shows me every single sign she loves me but hasn't yet said it to me, she said when the time is right.

Allah Hafiz.

Unfortunately you failed to realise the cultural difference people will talk in the community and everyone is usually tight knit being open about having a BF isnt option but more importantly its wrong and you need to realise this...before you can even begin to think about marriage or anything else.

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Ironically i feel she likes me better without my Islamic interest, as im more fun in her eyes. Although i could be being paranoid. She said whether i convert or not is not an issue for our relationship and i should do what i feel is right.

I dont mean to sound harsh, but she seems to have no "interest" or "care" for her religion and her Creator, just you, as your one that Allaah created, your one Allaah put life into(same for her) and have blessed you with so many blessings, Countless blessings that have been bestowed upon you by the All Mercyful and yet those exist that do not realise that even if its part of their own faith, the reason for that is because they havent been taught about their religion and how important these things are to think about.

You must realise that Islaam doesnt permit such relationships, "Love" comes after Marriage and not before marriage. Ok lemme post a hadeeth that may enlighten you upon the topic of Marriage in Islaam.

The Holy Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) said:

"A man marries a woman for four reasons: for her property, for her rank, for her beauty, and for her religion (and character). So marry the one who is best in the religion and character and prosper".

( Marriage quotation from Bukhari and Muslim)

Be very very careful when you make decisions into marrying one, marrying one because of their looks or attraction i would say is the last option or second option, but first comes the piety/character/taqwa of one, how much they fear Allaah, their love for their creator, their trust and hope in him as he is our one and only true Creator.

And please do not say that you can teach her about it and stuff, leave that upon her and her family, although you must let her know that this whole relationship you are in is a sin, and it can become an even huger sin if you continue in the relationship, the best of you is those who realises their mistake and repents and hopes not to go back! But dont forget to keep her in your DUaas/prayers.

I feel it is a clean way of life and a way of respecting our creator, Allah. And although it will be hard to resist Shaitain.. mainly due to alcohol, porn.. as i have had this for a number of years. I want to learn to keep him at bay with the help of Allah almighty.

I respect you for that brother, Allaah guided you to the righteous path, it must feel like a great feeling, you must now follow that righteous path if you wish to continue on this path to please your creator. . . .



Peace