This thread is about Abuse, It is a very sensitive topic and many victims of this practice do not usually speak up about it , it is rather kept in private. From my knowledge I know that there are many types of Abuse
There is Physical , Verbal, Sexual, Domestic..etc
What are your views on this? Why are we suffering from this? What are the factors? How can we help those who are being abused and who do we also help those which are practicing abuse against others?
Any thoughts? I would be interested in knowing you points of view?
I hope we can learn something beneficial and learn how to make a difference Insha'Allah
This is something that is personal to me because it happened to in my own family.
My sister had an abusive boyfriend for a while, and none of us knew it until they had been together for almost a year. She came home one day with a black eye and that was the first we heard about it. Of course, I wanted to know where he was so I could go find him and have a nice "discussion" with him (accompanied by a few of my biggest and meanest friends of course). She refused to tell me because she knew what I was going to do.
This was 6 years ago. Anyway, she finally got out of that relationship a few months after that and has been happily married for two years now.
I'm really not sure, I think Community leaders, Imams in the mosque could play a big role in helping this problem. I mean, the can be very influential (in a good way) and could address some of their lectures and talks about Abuse and what Islam says about it. This is definitly one way to help.
There's a very famous hadith which says; “Whoever among you sees an evil action, let him change it with his hand [by taking action]; and if he cannot, then with his tongue [by speaking out]; and if he cannot, then with his heart [by feeling that it is wrong] – and that is the weakest of faith.”
People tend to not get involved as it is "not their business", that's how a majority thinks unfortunatly. I personally think Community Leaders and such are the best way to improve the situation, can't really think of anything else, though i'm sure there are other solutions.
"Verily, fear of people should not stop a man from speaking out the truth he knows." - Muhammad(pbuh).
My sister had an abusive boyfriend for a while, and none of us knew it until they had been together for almost a year. She came home one day with a black eye and that was the first we heard about it. Of course, I wanted to know where he was so I could go find him and have a nice "discussion" with him (accompanied by a few of my biggest and meanest friends of course). She refused to tell me because she knew what I was going to do. This was 6 years ago. Anyway, she finally got out of that relationship a few months after that and has been happily married for two years now.
Masha'Allah, what a happy ending! And you're a very good brother.
People don't understand that when they abuse others they are in reality abusing themselves. Whenever they wrong others, they are actually wronging themselves.
It is pointless to watch other people's houses crumbling when our own house is in need of repair and attention.
How can we help those who are being abused and who do we also help those which are practicing abuse against others?
I think the best way to help both... the abuser as well as the abused.... is to educate them about Islam and to explain in depth the meaning of the shahada. A correct understanding of Islam is indeed the cure for many evils.
I can only think that only those people abuse others who have no true fear of Allah swt in their hearts. And it is true that the role of imam is so much more important than performing salah, it is so important for people to go to him for guidance and solve their problems.
Also they should give lectures on manners and increase the awareness of good behavior among all people. In my country for example, the Mosque heads are not always very learned scholars, and they will go on and on about , salah, zakat hajj, purdah on women, responsibilities of women, but never a word about responsibilities of men towards women, which off course creates an imbalance of behaviors where men justify theirs all the time. But Alhamdulilah things are changing now as more and more people are learning about the deeper aspects of islam.
Masha'Allah, what a happy ending! And you're a very good brother.
Not really. She is a better sister. She kept me from doing something stupid and possibly ruining my life when she wouldn't tell me where he was.
I think that people who abuse don't like themselves and they take it out on everyone else. I used to hate myself, but luckily I never got to a point where I was abusive and violent towards anyone I knew (other than a few drunken fights, but that's a different story). Most of my anger was directed towards myself.
Not really. She is a better sister. She kept me from doing something stupid and possibly ruining my life when she wouldn't tell me where he was.
I think that people who abuse don't like themselves and they take it out on everyone else. .
You've had so many blessings in disguise MashAllah , guess we all do, we only fail to realize .: )
Anyhow, since I cannot post to another thread in which a sister asked about an advice about abuse, i'll just try to add something for her here.
I'll recommend her to recite Ayatl -kursi All the time. That means, that whenever she remembers in her memory, she must recite it. That would mean, before she goes to sleep, when she wakes up, when she's about to face her father, when she goes out and etc. It is one of The most powerful and heaviest Ayah ( verse) of the Quran. It is singular, and it is not very Long, and I cannot thank Allah swt enough for making my mother encourage me to memorize it in my childhood. I cannot count the benefits and the number of times I have been saved from so much, just because I would remember to recite it. It is just unbelievable SubhanAllah.
So I'll encourage everyone to learn it, and recite it before you embark on a journey, are about to do something important or anything etc.
And also remember its meaning, it describes the characteristics of Allah swt in a beautiful way subhanAllah. Also I would advice all people who go through such un-avoidable circumstances of abuse (blood relations), that keep on praying consistently for the person you suffer abuse from, they are deeply disturbed people too who are unable to sort out their issues themselves, and of course they should make the effort to better themselves, but you must keep praying for them too so that Allah swt may show them the right path, via your sincere prayers.
And always try not to offend them directly or indirectly, one has to be really smart around abusive people and trust me there are people who deal with them so well, its all a learning game. I know its too much to say to a teenager, but there are some really smart teenagers as well, and one can always change the technique of handling people if one technique is not working, it will only enrich your own skills as a person and it is very very handy in a career too, people who learn how to manage abusive people, are at the top of their game in every field.
Try to make them feel good about themselves, acknowledge that you know that they care for you and are protective of you, you can even write a letter to your father ( addressing to the girl who is in such a situation and asked for advice in a thread) first acknowledging his care in your brought up, and also mention that you care for them and feel that they are too stressed out sometimes and by some un-intentional act of yours might irritate him,and you feel really sad and sorry about it all the time.
Tell him that his happiness and approval matters a lot to you and you would be really happy to be corrected politely as you highly value his opinions but you, yourself get really tensed and nervous when your father would scold you, and that takes away the opportunity to learn in a positive environment and also makes you end up doing things the wrong way out of nervousness. I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Feel free to pm me if you want clarifications. ( you have to say/write it ,and see it work, if you want a realistic solution)
I'm not saying that it will work, although I hope it does InshAllah. What happens is , that you will feel a lot more confident about yourself if communicate via a writing to him, you will not only appear mature to him by doing so writing in such a way, he might actually think over his behavior. If not, keep praying, Allah swt is always listening. The reason you must try to communicate it all, is that there is a strong chance that you start getting really upset and you might end up emulating him, to get your frustration out, which even you wouldn't want. I would not recommend running away from home suddenly before giving it a chance, I really think you should give some communication a try before making such a huge decision. It is a meaner world out there than most of us know, at this age especially, its like, out of the frying pan into the fire.
And have lots of faith, Allah swt will show you a way and will make it easier for you to do it. These things may take time, but as they say in islam that our blood relations ( or even step relations, foster etc) who live with us, are more deserving of our care and attention that anyone else, you must give it a chance, or many chances at least. It is going to be hard initially, but you'll manage it well IA with time. All our prayers and best wishes for you. I hope you get to read it too ameen
I have some questions though;
I've heard statements that go like : if your abused in your home then you will probably turn out to be an aggressive person?
Any thoughts? Anyone has any prove for this?
I kind of disagree because I think think that the victim of abuse has already a low-selfesteem and I mean he/she is being surpressed all the time , how do the even gain the confidence to speak up let alone be an aggressive person :/ I think they are mostly shy, introverted indiviuals.
Also ,another question is which has a deeper affect? Verbal or Physical abuse?
In grade 8 I always used to hear people repeating this statement :" "Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" Do you agree? or disagree?
I personaly dis-agree , I think that words have a deeper affect, because you can recover from being beaten even if it after time, but there's a saying that says words are like a bullet the moment you shoot them they can not be returned.( of course both are not good in any way)
I've heard that said before, that how you are brought up in your home determines what kind of a parent or spouse you will be. Sometimes it is true, and sometimes it is not true. I have known people in my life who had great parents and they turned out to be bad adults. I have also known people with bad parents who turned out as decent adults. So it works both ways.
I've heard that said before, that how you are brought up in your home determines what kind of a parent or spouse you will be. Sometimes it is true, and sometimes it is not true. I have known people in my life who had great parents and they turned out to be bad adults. I have also known people with bad parents who turned out as decent adults. So it works both ways.
Thank you, but my question was another
I'll explain ; when in school ( esp HighSchool) there are some students who seem to be a little aggressive ( get into fights and things like that) people's explanation to this behavior is that they say : they are probably abused at home this is why they try to put all their anger on other students
Do you think this is really what is happening?? I sometimes think otherwise.
Well it might not be that kids always abuse other kids at school just because they're abused at home. Mostly kids who are abused go into their own shell and are the really shy and quiet ones.
And it is also observed that there are over confident kids who abuse other kids out of arrogance, to maintain or establish their place in the school ,to exert themselves wrongly upon others, to be famous or to attract girls. ( nice girls are attracted to abusive men, fact of life ; P, unless they decide that its not worth it, but some of the nicest girls are attracted to abusive men, and these men use that to their advantage)
Mostly kids who are abused go into their own shell and are the really shy and quiet ones
Salaam
That was the point I was trying to understand, If anyone has been familiar with abuse and it's effects then I think that most children or women who are being abused suffer low confidence low self-esteem that it is quite strange for some people to say that abused kids/women..etc are aggressive ..It confuses me:/
Here is something I found regarding Criminal behavior and Abuse Abuse & Criminal Behavior
14% of all men in prison in the USA were abused as children
36% of all women in prison were abused as children
Children who experience child abuse & neglect are 59% more likely to be arrested as a juvenile, 28% more likely to be arrested as an adult, and 30% more likely to commit violent crime.
Here are some other facts and Statistics about abuse:
General Statistics:
A report of child abuse is made every ten seconds.
Almost five children die every day as a result of child abuse. More than three out of four are under the age of 4.
It is estimated that between 60-85% of child fatalities due to maltreatment are not recorded as such on death certificates.
90% of child sexual abuse victims know the perpetrator in some way; 68% are abused by family members.
Child abuse occurs at every socioeconomic level, across ethnic and cultural lines, within all religions and at all levels of education.
31% percent of women in prison in the United States were abused as children.
Over 60% of people in drug rehabilitation centers report being abused or neglected as a child.
About 30% of abused and neglected children will later abuse their own children, continuing the horrible cycle of abuse.
About 80% of 21 year old that were abused as children met criteria for at least one psychological disorder.
The estimated annual cost of child abuse and neglect in the United States for 2007 is $104 billion.
Over 3 million reports of child abuse are made every year in the United States; however, those reports can include multiple children. In 2009, approximately 3.3 million child abuse reports and allegations were made involving an estimated 6 million children.
Other interesting things:
- in British Columbia, there were 689 residents in shelters: 54% were women and 46% were children.
82% were women escaping abusive situations
of the women escaping abuse, 32% indicated they were also protecting their children from psychological abuse, 28% from witnessing abuse of their mother, 13% from threats, 9% from physical abuse, 5% from neglect, and 5% from sexual abuse
among family assaults parents were the perpetrators in 56% of physical assaults against youths and 43% of sexual assaults against youth victims 12 to 17 years of age;
siblings were responsible for approximately 25% of physical and 26% of sexual assaults in the family that were perpetrated against youth
extended family members committed 8% of physical, and 28% of sexual assaults against youth
In their 2001 report on Family Violence in Canada**, The Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics found that:
69% of substantiated physical abuse involved inappropriate punishment
68% of substantiated sexual abuse involved touching and fondling
58% of substantiated emotional maltreatment involved exposure to family violence
48% of substantiated cases of neglect primarily involved failure to supervise the child properly, which lead to physical harm
University of Victoria's Sexual Assault Centre*** posts the following childhood sexual abuse statistics:
1 in 3 females and 1 in 6 males in Canada experience some form of sexual abuse before the age of 18.
80% of all child abusers are the father, foster father, stepfather or another relative or close family friend of the victim.
Incestuous relationships last 7 years on average
75% of mothers are not aware of the incest in their family
60-80% of offenders in a study of imprisoned rapists had been molested as children
80% of prostitutes and juvenile delinquents, in another study, were sexually abused as children.
In 1999, the McCreary Adolescent Health Survey II* found that:
35% of girls and 16% of boys between grades 7 - 12 had been sexually and/or physically abused
Among girls surveyed, 17-year-olds experienced the highest rate of sexual abuse at 20%
In their 2001 report on Family Violence in Canada**, The Canadian Centre for Justice Statistics found that children who are exposed to physical violence in their homes are:
more than twice as likely to be physically aggressive as those who have not had such exposure;
more likely to commit delinquent acts against property
more likely to display emotional disorders and hyperactivity
This is what I found for now; If I find more I will add Insha'Allah
You are free to give your thoughts and solutions
Salaam
There is only one solution for the societies to adopt if the wish to identify the failures among them. If you are talking about the western society, true that it looks for solutions but those solutions hardly ever have any effect.
I dont think you can set such worrisome statistics straight by starting awareness programmes/ workshops. They already are there. The answer for all this social mayhem is adopting the universal truth of the Oneness of Allah swt and following his recommended ways. there can be no better way than that prescribed by Allah swt, all man made ways are full of loop holes and lack absolute morality, which can only come from the absolutely valid source of knowledge and wisdom, which is only Allah swt.
As long as the western society will maintain its distance from a true religion, they can never instill moral values into themselves. These are potentially very destructive societies and they don't realize that they're eating up humans and tearing them apart, jeopardizing the intricate family value system.
And people are so obsessed with the superficial lifestyle, they'd even sell their organs to get an ipad ( did you hear the news? much worse can happen) you cannot bring about change in a society which is built on the fundamentals of personal desires, no matter how vain and destructive.
But yes you can try to bring change in yourself and then slowly people may become inspired by you and they may start learning from you. This may sound like a tall order to you, but it sure works, someday when Allah swt thinks that we're good enough to inspire somebody. Though It is not really us who impress people, it is Allah swt who puts in the hearts of people the inspiration by making us the reason, so strive to be on the path of deen and Allah will cause other people to be inspired by you InshAllah.
I dont think you can set such worrisome statistics straight by starting awareness programmes/ workshops. They already are there. The answer for all this social mayhem is adopting the universal truth of the Oneness of Allah swt and following his recommended ways. there can be no better way than that prescribed by Allah swt, all man made ways are full of loop holes and lack absolute morality, which can only come from the absolutely valid source of knowledge and wisdom, which is only Allah swt. As long as the western society will maintain its distance from a true religion, they can never instill moral values into themselves. These are potentially very destructive societies and they don't realize that they're eating up humans and tearing them apart, jeopardizing the intricate family value system.
Salaam sis
Yes, may be you are right, but Violence and Abuse in the Islamic world is not any less, you can say it is ignorance but unfortunately many who are considered as religious people tend to commit these types of attitudes againsttheir Mothers, Sisiters,Wives and daughters.. this is why there is rapid growing rate of females escaping from home , esp. in Saudi Arabia
I think it is humanitarian problem, It also depend on indiviuals as well.
format_quote Originally Posted by SFatima
And people are so obsessed with the superficial lifestyle, they'd even sell their organs to get an ipad ( did you hear the news? much worse can happen) you cannot bring about change in a society which is built on the fundamentals of personal desires, no matter how vain and destructive.
I never heard of this :/ some people sell their organs to buy and Ipad( May Allah protect everyone from any evil).. Yes true but The journey of a thousand miles starts with one step one should never loose hope , Insha'Allah their will be change to the better let's be optimistic
I think sister Fatima has it right. The tragic state of our society is due to a loss of morality. We've gotten far away from God and become too worried about political correctness and hurting people's feelings, and this is the result.
On a side note, I used to act like a jerk because I thought that would attract girls. It didn't work for me because I wasn't being true to myself and they knew it.
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And you're a very good brother.
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