I'm a religious Muslimah residing in Sweden. I pray all my fard prayers, fast, never watch tv or listen to music. Many people look up to me as a role model and many mothers aspire to have daughters like me, however deep down I feel like a hypocrite.
I feel so hopeless and upset because I have an issue where I seek and crave the attention of men so badly. I have a desire to seduce men. This has always been a problem for me. It feels weird to say this because it's known men are the ones who have difficulties with the temptation of women, but I also have a temptation for men.
I don't talk to men in real life, I only talk on the Internet. I visit Islamic chat-boards and chat rooms and interact with non-mahram men. I talk to religious men and engage in topics that interest them. I pretend to have their views and opinions in order for them to become attracted to me and to notice me. I feel like I'm becoming a fitna for them. I've also spoken to them in private/ instant messages about so many inappropriate things,that I would dare say in front of my mahrams. I just want their attention, because I enjoy it and crave it so deeply. I need that constant attention from men and want them to be attracted and to desire me. I tried leaving these Islamic chat rooms but it's very hard to do so and I keep going back and visiting them frequently.
Why am I like this? How do I stop this? It's a cycle and I can't break it. I'm not close to my dad at all and never been. He was always harsh to me and I feel like there's a great gap between us. He feels uncomfortable speaking to me when I'm alone and he always criticizes me. Can my relationship with my father help explain why I need the constant validation from other men? Please give me suggestions on why I'm acting like this and is my behavior abnormal?
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Actually the main cause is not your relationship with your father, but something that 'very human', desire to be praised. It's normal. I know personally with many women. All of them would be happy if they be praised. However, there are among them who love to be praised because their beauties, there are among them who love to be praised because their achievement. And you are in first category.
My advice to you is switch your desire to be praised from first category into the second category, be praised because your achievement. Try to make something that will make people recognize your skill such as writing good article, create a creative thing, cook delicious food, etc. In Shaa Allah, it will reduce your urge to seek attention in the way like you do now.
As salaam alaiki sister,
You sound like a good person. ☺
Desires is something that both men and women get. Allah (swt) has put it inside us to desire the opposite sex. It's nothing we can get rid of but we can fill it in a halal way. (Marriage):
"Marriage provides spiritual, physical, emotional and psychological companionship. This companionship generates and sustains love, kindness, compassion, mutual confidence, solace and succor (sakinah). It lays a spiritual and legal foundation for raising a family. The children born of the matrimonial union become legitimate and mutual rights of inheritance are established.
" Satisfying sexual desires/needs may only be accomplished through marriage. As Muslims, we understand that sex outside of marriage is forbidden and considered a major sin. Therefore, sexual desires may only be satisfied within a marriage. Marriage provides protection from sin."
Muhammad (pbuh) said if you can't get married, then you should fast, for it will be like a shield to protect you from desires.
Sister you must try your best to not have talks like that, they're only making you weaker. Best advice is to stay away from the Internet, unless you want to listen to the Quran, or something that will benefit you. You need to open the Quran and read it. Desire is like a drug. It will be hard to control it, but you have to start little by little, it will make a difference, you need to load yourself with things to do, so that your mind will focus on other things then your desires.
Maybe that with your father, you feel unwanted. He is probably making you feel like no man would want you and things. And shaytaan saw an opportunity, he saw you weak and started getting you to express your desires with men. It might be that your father isn't being a father figure and he isn't showing you love, so you fell deep down, and especially that he's your dad, it hurts that he's treating you like that, we all need that father love. So you might be trying to fill that love that was supposed to come from your dad by talking to other men. And making them desire you and want you. They make you feel wanted. But it's a desire that won't be filled expect with the halal way. If you keeping doing it, you will never truly be satisfied.
Inshallah you can fight through this and find your peace. ☺
format_quote Originally Posted by anonymous
Assalamu Alaikum
I'm a religious Muslimah residing in Sweden. I pray all my fard prayers, fast, never watch tv or listen to music. Many people look up to me as a role model and many mothers aspire to have daughters like me, however deep down I feel like a hypocrite.
I feel so hopeless and upset because I have an issue where I seek and crave the attention of men so badly. I have a desire to seduce men. This has always been a problem for me. It feels weird to say this because it's known men are the ones who have difficulties with the temptation of women, but I also have a temptation for men.
I don't talk to men in real life, I only talk on the Internet. I visit Islamic chat-boards and chat rooms and interact with non-mahram men. I talk to religious men and engage in topics that interest them. I pretend to have their views and opinions in order for them to become attracted to me and to notice me. I feel like I'm becoming a fitna for them. I've also spoken to them in private/ instant messages about so many inappropriate things,that I would dare say in front of my mahrams. I just want their attention, because I enjoy it and crave it so deeply. I need that constant attention from men and want them to be attracted and to desire me. I tried leaving these Islamic chat rooms but it's very hard to do so and I keep going back and visiting them frequently.
Why am I like this? How do I stop this? It's a cycle and I can't break it. I'm not close to my dad at all and never been. He was always harsh to me and I feel like there's a great gap between us. He feels uncomfortable speaking to me when I'm alone and he always criticizes me. Can my relationship with my father help explain why I need the constant validation from other men? Please give me suggestions on why I'm acting like this and is my behavior abnormal?
Last edited by Finding Peace; 02-24-2016 at 12:13 AM.
Thank you for answering everyone, your suggestions are really helpful.
I tried my best to stay away from those Islamic chat rooms and I've left them for a few weeks. When I'm feeling down, usually because I feel unloved by my father and I don't feel an emotional connection or attachment to him, I get on the chat rooms to talk to men to feel wanted. It basically helps me feel better about myself and have self worth.
But, at the same time I feel a sense of deep regret and guilt, because it know what I'm doing is unacceptable and haram. At times, I feel depressed of my actions but Going cold turkey is very difficult and I find it hard to abstain completely. I feel really bad saying this, but quite a few of the men I engage with on the chat rooms are quite religious, and I can sense them feeling attracted to me. I feel like I've destroyed their imam in a way and I distracted them. Tbh, the main reason I'm on the chat rooms is not to seek knowledge, but to try and get the men to notice me and desire me because I want their attention. When I realize they enjoy my presence I feel satisfied, when they don't acknowledge my presence or notice me, I feel upset and mad. I feel like I want them to have me on their mind 24/7. If they get too close, I feel uncomfortable and pull away.
This is a really shameful side of me that no one knows about. I feel disgusted at myself and my behavior.
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Tbh, the main reason I'm on the chat rooms is not to seek knowledge, but to try and get the men to notice me and desire me because I want their attention. When I realize they enjoy my presence I feel satisfied, when they don't acknowledge my presence or notice me, I feel upset and mad. I feel like I want them to have me on their mind 24/7. If they get too close, I feel uncomfortable and pull away.
There are many guys who have similar desire. They want to get attention from the girls and they really seek this attention. But I didn't.
I was a guy who had many male friends when I was young and I felt happy when I did activities together with them such as fishing, went to the beach, eating roasted corn on the hill, etc. I enjoyed this friendship which we always care and gave attention to each other. And I didn't feel I wanted to get special attention from the girls.
How about you?. Seem like you don't have female friends.
It seems like you're attached to the internet life..Do you have friends in real life? Do you have people to talk to? It seems like your self-esteem is quite low that you need to seek the approval of men, and I think you need to find ways to spend your time doing other things so that you won't have time to talk to them.
There are many guys who have similar desire. They want to get attention from the girls and they really seek this attention. But I didn't.
I was a guy who had many male friends when I was young and I felt happy when I did activities together with them such as fishing, went to the beach, eating roasted corn on the hill, etc. I enjoyed this friendship which we always care and gave attention to each other. And I didn't feel I wanted to get special attention from the girls.
How about you?. Seem like you don't have female friends.
You seem like you had a wonderful childhood, Ma Sha Allah. I wish I had friends in my childhood. I have never experienced true friendship nor ever had a close friend. I feel sad thinking about this because I was a loner. I was friends with a girl at school, then when I was in fourth grade, that girl spread a fake rumor about me and ever since that day, I was on my own and no one wanted to be my friend. It was tough and I remember I would come home and cry and cry secretly, without anyone knowing. So, I don't have female friends and if I meet any girls our friendship is just on the surface,nothing deep.
But, boys at school seemed to admire my personality and looks and they would show interest in me, and that made me feel special.
format_quote Originally Posted by *charisma*
Assalamu Alaikum
It seems like you're attached to the internet life..Do you have friends in real life? Do you have people to talk to? It seems like your self-esteem is quite low that you need to seek the approval of men, and I think you need to find ways to spend your time doing other things so that you won't have time to talk to them.
I don't have friends in real life, they're all just temporary and on the surface. I see them here and there and chat about casual things, but we don't do activities and so on. They're mostly just girls I see in the mosque and at college. That's one of the reason why I visit Islamic chat rooms so I can talk to others and feel valued and a sense of belonging. I've formed online friendships with a few girls, but that's about it.
Even if I spend my time doing other things, I feel lack something because I crave the need to be loved and admired. I want to feel valued and worthy.
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How about trying to volunteer or working? I think its very easy to be fake online, especially when someone craves this type of attention, so in your quest to be admired, you are being deceitful and that's just going to continue the cycle of having temporary/shallow friendships. In order to have real friendships and build good relationships, you need to be around good people (preferably females) who will keep you away from the fitnah and help build up your self esteem. I also want you to be wary that even though you are a fitnah to men online, they are also a fitnah for you, so you're both getting sins. I don't want you thinking it's just a one way street. You should put more of an effort to build relationships with females because you're not in 4th grade anymore (not sure your age), but I'm sure you can find mature ladies who will love you for who you are. You seem to have a lot of good qualities, you can use them to help guide other girls as well so that they don't fall into this fitnah of talking to guys online, and eventually building a bigger support system. When you can't find a support for yourself, you can be a support for others. Sometimes doing that makes you realize that no one is perfect, no one is really admired to a degree above anyone else, and that Allah is there for us when no one else is and that's enough. I want you to remember that when Allah loves a person, His creation will also love this person as well. So leave your bad habits behind, and if you need a person to talk to, you can feel free to message me or any of the other wonderful sisters on here.
I hope this message finds you in good spiritual and physical health Ameen.
I think you should address your psychological concerns first and you should teach yourself how to deal with your emotions in a more beneficial way. Please remember emotions are so temporary so don’t dwell or worship your emotions (unknowingly). One minute we are over the moon and the next minute we can be so depressed. Emotions come and go so please don’t allow your emotions to control you. Don’t let your emotions dictate your actions. Allah swt has gifted you with a brain. Subhana Allah. Use it to make conscious decisions and it’s okay if you fall once, twice, three times etc as long as you keep trying and seeking Allah swt help in this matter.
Once you achieve your goal this feeling is more satisfying than x amount of men praising you. Why? Because the steps you have taken to overcome your weakness makes you stronger and requires more effort. You would have successfully managed to overcome your nafs and shaytaan and nothing is more beautiful than this.
Learn how to love yourself because even if you manage to find someone who loves you deep down you still won’t feel worthy of his love. Don’t reach out for comfort in worldly things whether this involves men, drugs, alcohol and any other forbidden activities. All the forbidden activities lead to heartache, destruction and depression. Allah swt is protecting us. If only we could see.
You mentioned you have tried to stay busy in an activity but it’s not working. How long have you stuck to this activity? Maybe it’s early days? Maybe you need to change the activity? When am stressed I listen to Quraan recitation and I participate more in sports. It releases all the stress and negative emotions you have inside.
I think my main message is to rely on yourself and make yourself stronger. Our friends and family may get fed up of our negativity and reliance on them but Allah swt never gets tired of us. Reach out to Allah swt and by this I mean learn all the beautiful names of Allah swt. Once you have done this understand the meaning of each name and then set yourself another task of learning Surat kafh and then Arabic and so on.
Lastly and more importantly I would strongly recommend you to listen to this lecture called self image psychology.
May Allah swt assit you in your journey and allow you to become truly dependent on HIM. Ameen.
Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.
Am not suggesting you have a pornographic addiction but you can use the lecturer's advice to cure your temptation with chat rooms.
If you browse and use the website above it has many useful books and interesting articles.
May Allah swt provide you with inner strength to fight all temptations Ameen.
Pain and hardships allow you to grow spiritually Alhamdulilah so smile when a so called calamity befalls upon you.
Alhamdulilah Allah swt is the greatest.
You seem like you had a wonderful childhood, Ma Sha Allah. I wish I had friends in my childhood. I have never experienced true friendship nor ever had a close friend. I feel sad thinking about this because I was a loner. I was friends with a girl at school, then when I was in fourth grade, that girl spread a fake rumor about me and ever since that day, I was on my own and no one wanted to be my friend. It was tough and I remember I would come home and cry and cry secretly, without anyone knowing. So, I don't have female friends and if I meet any girls our friendship is just on the surface,nothing deep.
But, boys at school seemed to admire my personality and looks and they would show interest in me, and that made me feel special.
I've guessed that you have problem in socialized with other girls, although you don't realize that the cause is your attitude which you always want to get attention from the others, but you don't give enough attention to the others.
Do you know?, people actually dislike someone who love to seek attention. If they give attention, this is not a sincere attention, but often because they expect something from this person. However, people always appreciate someone who can give sincere attention, and they will appreciate it by attention too.
I understand if you want other people give you attention. But you must get true attention through the right way. And the right way is giving sincere attention to the others. In Sha Allah, if you give attention to the others, the others will give you attention too. If you always care to the others, the others will always care to you too.
Young sister, from what you have said seem like you are obsessed to become a woman who be the center of attention and surrounded by the men who admire your beauty and attracted to you. But are you sure you will be happy if you really become a woman like this?.
My late wife (she has passed away) was a beautiful woman who surrounded by the men who admire her beauty and attracted to her. In the beginning it made her happy. But later she began to feel uncomfortable when she realize that the men saw her as just a pretty doll, not as a human. That's why she was happy when she met me because I saw her purely as a woman, and treated her as human, not as the pretty doll.
Admired by looks is not admiration that can lasting long. You can see the truth from what you can see everyday. Just notice, when an attractive woman walk, men will stare at her. But if another attractive woman comes, men will switch their attention to this another woman and ignore the first woman. Maybe you have ever experienced it too?.
That's why in my first post I suggest you to become a woman who admired because what you can do. If people admire because your kindness to the other or because your achievement, you will always in people's minds and they will always appreciate you as a human, not see you as just a pretty doll.
And one thing you must know. Seeking attention from the men does not make you become a fitnah for them. But will make you can easily fall prey for the men who just want to 'play' with you. So be careful with this. Okay?.
And one thing you must know. Seeking attention from the men does not make you become a fitnah for them. But will make you can easily fall prey for the men who just want to 'play' with you. So be careful with this. Okay?.
^This. I hope you take heed of this.
One of the causes is the lack of relationship with your father, but the biggest cause is of course weakness in emaan. We all have predisposed weaknesses, inclinations, unhealthy behaviours we may have developed during childhood. but Islam, if abided by fills in all those gaps and automatically protects us from the weaknesses that we can't even identify in ourselves.
So, you can spend time trying to understand why you are like this or you can try to understand why your emaan isn't strong enough to keep you away.
From what you have said, my guess is that you have developed unhealthy ways of relating to men as a result of the lack of nurturing you received from your dad. You have learnt that 'love' means to have to struggle for it as you learnt from your childhood that you had to 'win' and prove yourself to your dad in order to be loved. So, you replicate this behaviour, by pursuing men for their attention and trying to 'win'. The problem is, as the user stated above you will only attract men who will either perpetuate your unhealthy behaviours or who will take advantage of you. Because this is not the normal, natural way that Allah intended. You have to understand that even though you feel in control at the moment, Allah has legislated that men and women should not mix for a reason. and if you continue it will only be a matter of time before you find yourself in a bad situation.
You sound a lot like myself actually, I used to have the same problem except that I had a healthy relationship with my father when I was a child alhamdulilah. So, that leads me to think that maybe it is something innate in us to want to be admired/pursued that is compounded by other external factors.
I also had and have the same problem with connecting with women. The only meaningful friendships I had as a early teenager were with girls who looked up to me and needed me. and I haven't had a meaningful friendship with another female since. Maybe that is because girls can't admire us the same way men can, it doesn't validate us the same way that having a male being needy of you does.
But what broke me out of that cycle, was realising that it doesn't fulfil any real need. As you get older your needs mature, and having a stream of religious men who have fallen for you online doesn't fulfil or satisfy your emotional needs in any way. It becomes empty. You have all these men who you beleive you have seduced and impressed online, but at the end of the day you are still single and alone. and you realise that the only way you will be truly satisfied, is with a healthy marriage as Allah has ordained.
but in order for us to desire marriage and a healthy relationship, we have to be healthy first and develop healthy ways of relating to men. I don't know if this is true for you also, but I know for a long time I subconciously desired the passion and excitement of seducing and falling in love over the love of a stable, comfortable of a committed relationship. The thrill of the chase and being pursued is ingrained in us, that we almost don't know how to deal with the real intimacy and stability that a healthy relationship involves. Probably why you pull away after a while. I did the same.
I also want to say, don't get too bogged down by the psychology of it all. Use it to supplement your efforts, but always make sure your motivation is the akhirah. I made that mistake and lost sight of the akhirah and ended up ( inevitably) failing in my efforts to reform myself. Islam is the only solution.
The good men who can treat the women well do not judge a woman from her physical appearance. That's why when they praise a woman who is not their wives or sisters, their praise only for what this woman has done like her achievement or her kindness to the others. And they never praise exaggerated because in this matter they do not differentiate between praise for a woman and praise for a man.
Unfortunately many women prefer to be praised with sweet words that makes them feel like the princess in every man's dream. This is what makes them easy to fall prey for the men who just want to 'play' with them, because the method that used by those men is indeed, seduce them with sweet words.
So sisters, don't be proud if a man praise you with sweet words that makes you feel like the princess in his heart. If a man easy to praise you like this, then actually he is easy to praise other women like this too.
*charisma* Working and volunteering is a good suggestion and I will try to do that. This will help improve my self esteem and it will help make me feel better about myself. Perhaps when I distract myself contributing and helping others, I would feel helpful and useful and people will appreciate my efforts and I'd feel wanted, so my urges to talk to men will decrease. Thanks for helping me out. Also, is there a way for me to private message you through this anonymous account?
BeTheChange Thank you so much for your posts, I found it really helpful. I will watch these lectures In Sha Allah and Ameen to your duas.
adrianto I have many good qualities and I feel like I need to show them off to men and want them to know about these things, so they can admire me. I don't want them to be just attracted to my beauty, I want them to be attracted to everything in me. I feel like it's a waste that I have many good things and qualities, but no one knows about it or to keep it hidden. I want people, especially men to recognise all the good qualities I have and to admire me for it. I really love and just crave that attention from them. It's a totally unhealthy obsession, tbh.
Yes, I've experienced this. When men switch their attention to another woman and forget about me, I feel jealous and try to win them back. I try to flaunt and display other good things about me, that the other woman don't have so they can remember me. This all happens online on chat boards. I talk about my looks, achievements and portray this great and bubbly personality. If I sense that they pay attention to another woman or seem attracted to her, I immediately think of ways to make them forget about her and for them to remember me, so I can outshine them and be their centre of attention.
i feel really guilty saying this, but it doesn't bother me if men see me as a pretty doll or want to 'play' with me. As long as they admire me and I have grabbed their attention, I feel satisfied. I just want to please them in anyway so in return I receive their admiration and attention. I actually really love and prefer to be praised by sweet words from men so I can feel like a princess. That's because my father hardly praised me and constantly criticised me,so I crave hearing something nice about myself. So whenever a man seduces me with sweet words, I become extremely happy because I feel admired like a princess.
pricklypear I'm glad alhamdulilah to see that you can relate to me and understand what I'm going through. With your first post, I really don't care if a man is insincere or trying to take advantage over me by my unhealthy behaviours. I just want his attention, love and admiration, that's all. I know all this is haram, but I'm just explaining my problem and my behaviour.
Since you said your relationship with your father was good, was your urges to seduce men strong like mine? Like did you need to constantly need attention from men and feel upset or annoyed if they didn't recognize you? You don't have to answer this if you don't want to. I also feel the thrill and excitement of a committed relationship like you. The thing with me is, since my father criticizes me and doesn't pay attention to me or is close to me, I can't tolerate this and feel really lacking. I need to feel admired and appreciated. If my father dosent give me his attention or sweet and nice words, I will look for it and get it from other men. Even if the other men are fake and do that to take advantage of me, I'm all good as long as I feel their love and have their attention.
So I try to seduce men by portraying a great online persona about myself, so they can chase after me and like me. When I see them doing this, I feel satisfied. This is all because I hardly receive love from my father. I also find it difficult to understand how girls with great relationships with their fathers also want to seduce other men? If they have a good relationship with their fathers and receive his love, why do they need the attention from strange men? Sorry for the questions, I just want to understood the root cause of my unhealthy behaviour.
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