Hi everyone I've been going through a very tough time in life again,
It's been almost a year since my wife left me I'm 32 years old she was my first in everything I truly loved her and stuck with her helped her through everything in her troubles one of the reason being I had a very bad childhood I was raped and molested by a man and a woman for years and overcame my depression in life through marriage seeing how she eased my hearts pain (I hadn't yet revealed what I went through in my childhood) I only began to love her more and more even started praying 5 times a day giving zakat etc
Till recently I found out the love was all an act she secretly was biding her time untill she got her papers to stay in the country without any problems I never saw it coming we were happy no arguments nothing she is the best damn actress in the world
(I married a foreigner).
When she had gotten the stay she had me buy her plane ticket for (aswell as milking out any other gifts as much as she could) her to visit her parents and when she got there all happily with love still playing me along she accused me of cheating being abusive and even went so far as to attack my manhood that I can't 'perform' and various other things just to make herself look like the victim.
Also I found out she was cheating on me , everyone I know, knows about this and it has destroyed my life I have no friends or relatives anymore now (even though I barely had any friends before this but now I know who really are my friends sadly none now) I married into family so everyone thinks why the hell would she do this he is guilty and as obviously only women are ever the victim >.>
Even though I hate her for what she did even though I will never ever take her back the thoughts of her being with another man is killing me.
I am almost in tears everyday wondering why again and I've tried everything to get better but now I don't pray only juma or abuse tramadol when I can get some or drink alcohol to make myself feel better I joined a gym for a month and gave up again my weights ballooned back to 315 pounds lost my job back home with the parents ffs I could use some advice guys how did you come out of this rut or should I just man up and take each day as it comes.
Brother I am so sorry for your troubles. Though sometimes we can't control how people mistreat us we can control how we handle it. Unfortunately, you have let this fester for over a year and dealing with it properly and with the right perspective is the way out of it. First and foremost, only Allah Azza wa Jal can relieve you of your distress and abandoning prayer is not going to help you in any way. Drugs and alcohol gives you the false relief and only makes things worse. I suggest you start reading the Quran everyday and let the speech of Allah soothe and heal your heart. Establish regular prayer and do your utmost to fulfill the commands of Allah and refrain from His prohibitions. Don't ever forget the purpose of your creation: to worship Allah. These thoughts of her being with another man is only from the Shaytan beating you with his stick to keep you down. She isn't worth your disobedience to your Creator. Turn this misery into a learning experience. I will give an advice from an excerpt of a scholar that have helped me in my troubles in the past. May Allah strengthen your resolve, increase your iman and make you successful in this world and in the Hereafter. Ameen.
"Try to distance yourself from everything that causes you worry and sadness, so that you may always live with peace of mind and an open and tranquil heart, seeking Allah and His worship and working on your worldly and other worldly matters, for if you do this, you will find rest. But if you tire yourself out in thinking of the past or in worrying about the future in a way not approved of Islam, then know that you will become exhausted and you will miss a lot of good things." Sheikh Uthaymeen
Show no concern for the praise of one whose praise cannot adorn you in any way, nor for the blame of those whose blame cannot dishonor you. And seek the praise of the One whose Praise is all honor and whose blame is all disgrace. Ibn Qayyim
I am a 48 years old widower. A middle aged man. I have experienced many things in my life. And one of my experience happened when I was young, and lived in boarding house.
There were moments when I locked up myself in my boarding room every night. Drank alcohol to make me feel better, although in fact alcohol did not make me feel better. The cause?. I wanted to forget my feeling to someone who gave me hope, made me fell in love, but she went with another man.
Alhamdulillah, my friends in the boarding house helped me to leave alcohol, and gave me spirit. I started to leave alcohol, and felt better. Then I remember a good proverb in my place, "The world is not as small as leaf". Yeah, the world is not small, and I was not alone. There are many people in the world, there are many women. So, why should I got frustrated by a woman?. Why didn't I seek another woman and build a new life?.
And I gained my strength again, and my optimism again.
Yes, brother, the advice that I can give you is, raise again your optimism, raise again your strength. Bring yourself closer to Allah. And seek a new wife.
I am really sorry if maybe there is something in my advice that offend you. But this is the best advice that I can give as a man to a man.
Things happen for a reason. To make you stronger. If she was using you for something, it all came out and she is gone, forget about her and move on. Stop the alcohol and take long walks around nature. Enjoy the sun, the moon, the stars and the amazing adventures out there with nature.
There are people who are faring off worse than you, so if you want to count your blessings look at someone who is in a worse position than you and say Alhamdellah for Allah let me know the true nature of this woman, I am young and I can get back on track. Focus on your inner strength, on knowing and getting closer to Allah. On strengthening your deen, your body, your soul so that the woman who comes in your life again will see you a strong person and not someone who needs to be rescued.
Broken hearted men who run to alcohol know that alcohol does not help. But they still drink and drunk because urge that they do not realize, urge of self destruction which actually based on hidden desire to get attention.
In love relationship, one thing that makes someone happy is attention from his partner. When the relationship be broken, he will lose the attention. And it can cause unconscious desire to seek attention which often in form of self destruction. That's why they drink until drunk, not just drink. They hope, this self destruction will make them get attention, from their ex, or from another woman.
Men who are in experiencing it, indeed, not realize about this unconscious urge. Different than men who ever experienced it and managed to pass, like me.
Self destruction like this is not the right way to run from broken heart. Because the cure for broken heart is new love. And they will not get the new love, if they still destruct themselves. What they must do in this situation is raise again their optimism that they can get a new love. Through marriage, of course.
Indeed, not easy to find new love, and need a time. So I suggest to men who are in broken heart to not being alone, but always together with other people. Condition of broken heart usually make someone want to enjoy the loneliness, which they lock up themselves in room, or go to a place alone. Actually this is not good because being alone like this make them always haunted by memories which they want to 'lock up in a box'. That's why in another thread I advice a brother to make himself busy in activities with other people like do sport together, go recreation together.
Bro, it's very unfortunate what's happened to you and I pray things get better in sha Allah. Forget about this woman totally. She's scum and deserves no more thought or concern from you.
Focus on drawing a line behind your past and rebuilding your life, step by step. Find work, eat well, go gym, look after your body and try to be a better Muslim in every aspect of your life. In time, you'll grow stronger.
OP - so sorry to hear what you have gone through in your life. What happened to you as a child is awful and I hope you have had counselling and help for it. If not, please seek it, speak to a GP or a support group. Please don't bottle it up.
With regards to your unruly wife. Please don't feel you are the only one in this boat, it's a regular thing. Thai brides come to the UK and once they get their "stamp", that's it, off they pop. Pakistani, Indian, Bangladeshi and brides from all over the world do this. You've been had, sorry to say, but so have numerous other men. My cousin who is deaf and dumb (mute) has had it happen to him twice. It broke his heart because all he dreamed of was true love and two awful women used him for the "stamp". They accused him of being violent, when all along, they had someone back home they fully intended to ship over once their "stamp" had been received.
Try and think of the positives. Don't go to a gym. Other people will talk about their fabulous wives and that will only wind you up even more. Get some counselling or find someone you can pour your heart out to. Get it all out of your system and try and build a bridge over it all. It's easier said than done and I feel bad for saying "do this" and "do that", but that's the only way forward. Sit down and try and write some goals down about what you want to do in the short run and what things you would like to overcome.
Please don't feel too bad. I know your past has made you want the best thing and that was her, but she was only after duping her. I am sure she will get her just desserts (is that the saying?).
And finally, before I go, don't get depressed, don't feel suicidal, don't feel down and out. You are giving that awful woman what she wanted. Regenerate yourself, become a better person, find that person out there who is perfect for you and will treat you right, and then she will know what a fabulous young man she has missed out on. It will be too late for her then!
Believe in yourself. This is just a trial that was thrown your way to make you a better person.
Go team you! Everyone say three alhamdolillahs, subhanallahs, and allahu akbar (or should that be the four kuls) for this brother and say a quick prayer that things get better for him.
Aoa tainted,I feel bad about your situation...,I understand how difficult it must be for you to live in such agony....But Pain only makes you stronger so please my advice to you in Islamic light would be to let go of your lonliness your grief your anger your sorrow let go of it every day in the belief that your one step closer to A better tomorrow a better person...so go read Quran listen to Quranic recitation pray breathe go out in nature and thank Allah for your blessings.
Thank you for all the advice everyone I really mean it I want to go back to the mosque more I want to start praying again I just find it very difficult, I don't like the thoughts that goes through my mind I keep angrily asking allah why have you done this to me again it keeps happening over again and again those two hardships aren't the only ones I've suffered in life to those 2 things to my constant bullying, becoming obese or the fact that I was accused by my aunties of being a pedophile or when I look at my parents all their life they pray 5 times a day and help others abroad pay their damn house and medical bills they both helped their family come to England and now they themselves have problems with my family this is the thanks that we get? Or that Allah has rewarded my parents with a child who is 25 now and has the mental capacity of a 6 month old baby.
The reason why this has hit me so bad with my ex is that I haven't had any closure all I got from her was a text telling me to F off she was talking so differently like a different person that it was like we weren't married for many years and this girl I married was from Pakistan I married close in family
So everyone and I mean everyone I know believe her because why on earth would she do that being so close in relation splitting families apart, this is the thanks me and my parents get for helping all these many many years? I kept everything halal I asked her 5 times are you sure you want to get married with me before marrying her checking to see if she was a good girl she used to wear hijab and pray 5 times a day, if someone like that can do this then how the hell am I supposed to trust again? I know eventually I'll get married again but I say it now I'll feel sorry for whoever marries me I'll probably never open up or love another woman again I'll just keep our relation as a marriage contract who can provide me children that's it.
Don't go down the road of blaming Allah Azza wa Jal. This will lead to even more misery. Forget about closure. Move on with your life. Your closure is that you didn't have to live another moment with an insincere and ungrateful person. Like I said before, you can control how you handle this and so far it is not admirable. Get your focus on your Creator and acts of worship back on track on a consistent basis. Stop with the drinking and pills. You have been burned like many other people in this world. Get up and start walking again. You can do this. May Allah make it easy for you.
Show no concern for the praise of one whose praise cannot adorn you in any way, nor for the blame of those whose blame cannot dishonor you. And seek the praise of the One whose Praise is all honor and whose blame is all disgrace. Ibn Qayyim
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