Should I try to contact my Muslim father? (Catholic boy). VERY LONG

[Nels97]

Hi. Just a bit of background about myself before I ask my question. I'm 19 years old and I live in London UK. I was raised by my mother who is a devout catholic. I attended catholic schools, and did other things like Sunday school, altar service etc. My father (who is Muslim) and mother separated when I was a child. He was around when I was young some of the time and I remember him a little.

After he and my mum split, she started to resent him (I can kind of understand why, will explain). She resented him so much that when I was 9, she changed my name which was his name to her family name which I think is a tad extreme. Anyways, I have a older sister who is actually a half sister (2 different fathers). Her father (who was catholic, which doesn't really matter but yeah) died when she was young so when that happened my mother wanted to find someone that would look after her, enter my father. Long story short, they both got married and had me. They had disputes over how to raise me, but he eventually gave in and allowed my mum to raise me catholic. He may have had other intentions down the line which would in turn have him raise me Muslim, not too sure tbh.

Here's the problem, he sexually abused my half sister when my mother was not around. Forgive me but it is such an awkward topic to discuss with my family, so I don't know the details but i believe that he conceded that this happened. My whole family didn't want anything to do with him. He didn't end up going to prison for it or anything. From what I understand, he used to lie a lot and was manipulative.

One thing that may also be important to know is that my family is dysfunctional. My half sister is very harsh towards my mother. It's so bad that you would think that m half sister is the mother. It has gotten physical when fights occur and the abuse is very one sided. I actually want to leave my family and plan on doing so to start a fresh life on my own away from them. Even my mother who I love very much tends to lie to me sometimes in regards to money (hypocritical when you consider that she's catholic). All of this has left me very depressed over the years but no one knows about how I feel. I put a fake smile but I really despise this family, hence why I want to leave.

Back onto my father, I do know that he has remarried and he may have children (my half brothers and sisters potentially). Do you think it would be a good idea to get in touch with him? It would purely be to meet my siblings whom I have never met before (assuming he has children). I don't know how I would even get in touch with him because I haven't seen him in about 12-13 years. I know where he might be living though so I have a chance.

So, what should I do?

[Nels97]

Sorry but one thing I forgot to mention is that if I do contact him, it will be the end of my family. My mother would never talk to me and my sister wouldn't either. I don't think this would bother me too much as I stated before, I don't think I can associate myself with them anymore due to how toxic this family is to my wellbeing. But I just thought I would mention this.

[azc]

You should meet your father, at least once, further, you decide yourself what to do. How your family will know about it until you tell them

[sister herb]

Yes, it´s good idea to meet your father. You have now got to know about your father only from your mother´s words as I understood and she might not have been unbiased.

[Akeyi]

I did not read what any of people wrote here but unfortunately i can not let a christian man marry a muslim woman but if it would be otherway around i would allow it but unfortunately girl is not a boy and boy is not a girl

and the secret in this thing is

because we erwarten for guy to convert his married wife

i changed my mind and read some of what you wrote i almost lived the same things but https://quran.com/2/286

you are not a muslim but still it is valid for you too. But i had too much troubles too alhamdulillah But when i know everything i do is being watched i feel better. Because the choices we make represents us. Everyone wants to show how big they are but it is only possible to show it to the one who watches us.

and and and your username has 97 it probably means you born in year 1997 then it means i am older

[Ruqaya Vanh]

Hi. Just a bit of background about myself before I ask my question. I'm 19 years old and I live in London UK. I was raised by my mother who is a devout catholic. I attended catholic schools, and did other things like Sunday school, altar service etc. My father (who is Muslim) and mother separated when I was a child. He was around when I was young some of the time and I remember him a little.

After he and my mum split, she started to resent him (I can kind of understand why, will explain). She resented him so much that when I was 9, she changed my name which was his name to her family name which I think is a tad extreme. Anyways, I have a older sister who is actually a half sister (2 different fathers). Her father (who was catholic, which doesn't really matter but yeah) died when she was young so when that happened my mother wanted to find someone that would look after her, enter my father. Long story short, they both got married and had me. They had disputes over how to raise me, but he eventually gave in and allowed my mum to raise me catholic. He may have had other intentions down the line which would in turn have him raise me Muslim, not too sure tbh.

Here's the problem, he sexually abused my half sister when my mother was not around. Forgive me but it is such an awkward topic to discuss with my family, so I don't know the details but i believe that he conceded that this happened. My whole family didn't want anything to do with him. He didn't end up going to prison for it or anything. From what I understand, he used to lie a lot and was manipulative.

One thing that may also be important to know is that my family is dysfunctional. My half sister is very harsh towards my mother. It's so bad that you would think that m half sister is the mother. It has gotten physical when fights occur and the abuse is very one sided. I actually want to leave my family and plan on doing so to start a fresh life on my own away from them. Even my mother who I love very much tends to lie to me sometimes in regards to money (hypocritical when you consider that she's catholic). All of this has left me very depressed over the years but no one knows about how I feel. I put a fake smile but I really despise this family, hence why I want to leave.

Back onto my father, I do know that he has remarried and he may have children (my half brothers and sisters potentially). Do you think it would be a good idea to get in touch with him? It would purely be to meet my siblings whom I have never met before (assuming he has children). I don't know how I would even get in touch with him because I haven't seen him in about 12-13 years. I know where he might be living though so I have a chance.

So, what should I do?

Hi

I can give you my perspective on the matter and I hope it will be helpfull.

In order to think of potential brothers and sisters you must first think of what you want to achieve by contacting your father. The man has started a new life and has (maybe) other childeren. He does not know you, and he does not know what kind of influence you could have on his kids (no offence, but just realistic). So in that perspective it should be that first you try to get to know him and he you.

Where do you want to go with the contact?
Do you want questions answered? In that case, think about what you want to know so you can ask them in a way that the answers will satisfy you.
Do you miss a fatherfigure? In that case, prepare yourself for the minimum. The idea that you might have created in your head could not add up to the person you will potentially meet. It could even be the exact opposite and frankly very dissapointing. (Not saying that this would surely be the case . But thats my own experience) the best way to aproach this is with a neutral mind.

As for your family. Sadly, we do not choose them ourselfs, and all of our families are a bit disfunctional. I cannot advice you to turn your back on them, because as in christianity, islam also teaches us to be good with our relatives, aspecially with our mother.
Patience is a virtue. But it is never said that it would be easy.

You are 19 and have your life ahead of you. The best advice I can give you is to trust in God and fill in the blanks yourself.
People will never be perfect and will make mistakes. If you are in need of something like motherly love, fatherly advice or anything that you feel you come short. Ask God for help and try your best to replace what you need by school, work, good friends, maybe in the future your own spous and children.

People won't change. But you can choose who you want beside you in you later life. Remember. Your only at the beginning if God wills it.
Maybe what you missed before, is not what you need in the future.

I wish you good luck and will enclude you in my prairs.

Goodbye

[Umm Malik]

Yes it's good to try to connect with your father
But don't tell your family < your mather and sister > until you make sure that you will be able to reconnect the relationship with your father
but don't forget to treat them good and be to your mother the best son as you can
may Allah gather you and your both family in jannah
and may he make you the reason of changing to the good for all your family

amen