And when I say my life I really mean I don't have much of one. I'm 33, I have no independence which I'm desperate for. I still live with parents but I am financially stable on my own, I'm the youngest, unmarried sibling of my sisters. Each time I bring up something like I want to see a friend alone I am accused of wanting to be like my oldest sister who messed up her life in a very un-Islamic way and now she's mentally unstable and very depressed and stays here at home and makes the rest of us my family anxious and scared of her and confronting her. Trust me, we have, it's pointless. Yes, I definitely understand my mums worry. But I have never in any way done something which goes against Islam, so I am so distressed as mom doesn't trust me. Even minor things I did, like wearing a bit of makeup, a few times my mum said I am up to something or there is someone I chat to on my phone. Really??! I'm 33, not a silly teenager. I have my friends from college and school who I chat occasionally but, my life is a mess, and I am far too embarrassed to meet them. Everyone's matured, had kids, and I am stuck here. I feel I am not being treated how I deserve to be. Even for a muslim. And also, I read my namaz, I don't do bad things.
Time for you to break out of the nest for your own well being and start looking for a good Muslim husband to start a life with. You are 33 so its time to listen to what you need rather than appeasing your parents.
Oh sister I can relate! Ive (and many of my friends) been through a similar experiences. Domineering mums are difficult very adept at playing the emotional blackmail card, makes you feel like garbage .
I understand why they are afraid they probably feel they failed your older sister and are determined not to see you fail. But they don't understand that you are a different person and wrapping you in cotton wool for the rest of your life wont help you ability to survive in the real world. Perhaps they are afraid if you leave they might feel lonely.
I think what changed for me when I got married, my mums behaviour during the whole process left much to be desired and broke her grip over me. I became aloof and distant because of her behaviour and she eventually backed down.
Thank Allah our relationship is on the mend, but it can go back to what it was.
This is difficult, if they are not willing to be reasonable but you have to break free for a short period, do something you want to do and not ask their permission, just do it and ignore their demands but be reasonable. What you'll find that after the initial shock they will back down and you can negotiate a much more adult relationship with your family.
Be firm but reasonable, they are your parents but you are an adult, they have to accept that your not a child anymore and what they are doing is hurting not just you but the entire family in the long run.
Edit:
Can I ask do you come from a South Asian background?
It is easy to say act my age. I am trying as a muslim not to hurt and go against my mom. She does not co operate. My dad doesn't remember conversations the day after or acts like he doesn't so its no use explaining to him.
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Thanks Junon. I'll give you another example of what I have to go through. One night my mum caught me with one of those e shisha sticks. And the absolute GUILT she made me feel. It was like I murdered someone, I am not kidding. They are literally harmless basically. And this happened just a few years ago. This is the kind of manipulation she does.
I understand its difficult having been in your situation, your parents take your submissive attitude for granted the only solution I can see is to be strong, force yourself to act and take the consequences.
You might be surprised at how your parents will react, it might not be as bad as you think.
Even if they react badly you have to be strong enough to weather the storm.
This video should give you insight into your predicament.
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Salaam
format_quote Originally Posted by Pinky
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Thanks Junon. I'll give you another example of what I have to go through. One night my mum caught me with one of those e shisha sticks. And the absolute GUILT she made me feel. It was like I murdered someone, I am not kidding. They are literally harmless basically. And this happened just a few years ago. This is the kind of manipulation she does.
Ah yes that sounds familiar .
I now it sounds cruel, but the best way is to emotionally cut yourself off and be business like (I did that with my mum, she did NOT like it, but she couldnt say anything to me because I was being perfectly respectable), dont let what they do get to you.
Its tough, took me a long time to learn.
You have your own income, is it possible to live elsewhere? Even for a short while? Or have a day out? Anything?
I do get my own income, my parent's don't pay for me. I honestly would like, with their help (i would need help) and my older sisters, to find a place of my own. I have mentioned it to my mom but everytime she says things like some person put ideas in my head, or I'm up to something. It just make me feel so disappointed and ill when she says that. She always says I want to go and do bad things like my older sister. Ridiculous!
Yes I thought so, I hate to admit it its a common predicament in our culture
Its just like I said above, you just have to do it, ignore their reaction, (let them rant and rave) then eventually they will calm down, they don't want to lose you and eventually they will negotiate.
It was really extreme with my parents, my dad broke of his relationship with his father and set up his own business just to show he can be independent. It really shocked my grandfather never would of thought his son would defy him so.
But my Dad was wise, he eventually came back and gave my grandfather a face saving way out of his predicament. So we were all together again but with benefit of Grandfather being much MUCH more reasonable.
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