I want to leave my house for University but I can't leave my mom with Dad...

[Egoist]

AOA

I'm almost 17 years old and in about one year I will be in University. The thing is my father is not exactly good with my mum. It's like he doesn't respect. He says stuff too her that's utterly heart breaking. I love him he's a good man, he prays and donates and all but when it comes to being nice to other idk why he's very difficult.
Anyway my mom is suffering from depression. She cries all the time because of his harsh words. I hate it when she crues, she's getting weaker day by day.
I want to leave home for University like study in another city but I'm scared to leave them. Idk what if I'm gone and it gets worse. I don't want to leave mom alone with him but I myself can't stay here.
I have also became a depression patient. I hat staying at home. I feel like crying all the time. I have no idea what I should do.
Should I leave?
Will mom be okay?
It's like my dad doesn't get it that everyone else except him has feelings.

[xboxisdead]

If you think staying in that environment to protect your mother, you are highly mistaken. You see? This toxic energy is affecting you also. You are entering depression as well. How can you protect your mother when your foot is tied in metal chain ball and throw with it in the middle of the ocean with your mother? You and your mother will drown together. However, if you leave today before tomorrow...and first clear your head, get help for yourself immediately and get self confident, become strong then you can help your mother from the outside in. Sometimes you need to be outside the house in order to help the people inside the house instead of being inside the house yourself getting hurld with arrows and bullets. If you stay in there you and your mother will fall and it is not a healthy environment you may end up being pushed to do things you never thought could do and we will see your face plaster in news in TV as another horror statistic story.

[Egoist]

Thank you!
Idk I just feel selfish like maybe I'm leaving my mother behind online. Maybe it's guilty conscience?

[xboxisdead]

Thank you!
Idk I just feel selfish like maybe I'm leaving my mother behind online. Maybe it's guilty conscience?

I am going to be honest. If I got knocked out and got kidnapped and thrown in a torture home with other strangers (men and women) and there is a psychopath killer who love to skin people alive, hanging them in the meat chamber by their legs, torture them, mutilate them and kill them and I hear women and men screaming...I will save my skin and try to run if I can and escape. I will memorize my location and find the closest house or phone booth and call for help. That is me. I know if I try to stay there and fight and save the people I will be the 1st to die. I know myself. I do not have it in me to fight a muscular psychopath when the arms of my muscle is that of a 12 year old and i have never exercised once in my entire life and I have a belly fat. I am a walking duck to be slaughter. So instead of trying to act like a hero and fight a battle I know I will lose, I will run and call for help. In your case, you need to leave and call for help. You need to seek professional help for yourself as well..these are life long damages that if you don't solve right away...YOU AND YOURSELF will marry an abusive man. You are in a dangerous toxic environment and I am sorry to say...you are contaminated. You are infected. Like a zombie infection. You need therapy and fast. Or you will repeat the cycle and have children who will be infected and repeat the cycle. Get out. Get help. Save your mother and get therapy. If you are not married. Do not get married until you resolve your issues and if this is going to be a life time process then..please..be single..do not have kids and stick in repairing yourself.

Just do not have children and get married until you remove the infection that is in you. Sorry. But that is the truth.

[Egoist]

I guess I could try that...maybe see a psychiatrist. ;0;

[xboxisdead]

I guess I could try that...maybe see a psychiatrist. ;0;

Can you please try again your sentence without using the words "guess" and "try that"? When you say, "Oh I guess I will try." or "Oh I suppose" or "Maybe you are right" all of these means you are opening a door an excuse not to do it.

Here is your reply next time. I am expecting the following, "I am doing it! I am going to seek therapy and professional help! I am going to take my mother out of this toxic environment and I am going to improve myself, improve my confidence level. I will not cut ties with my father completely but nor will I have him rule my life anymore!"

[Egoist]

I'm still not definitely sure I haven't told anyone about my depression, I don't want then to get worried. There are people with worse problems than mine.

[xboxisdead]

I'm still not definitely sure I haven't told anyone about my depression, I don't want then to get worried. There are people with worse problems than mine.

I assure you that your problem is no less of a problem than other people. When your problem lead you to end up marrying an abusive husband (because that is usually what happens when a child live under an abusive parents regardless if the child is a boy or girl, they end up always marrying an abusive spouse) and then having new generations of repeating cycle...it is a major problem. You are aware there three forms of murder that a person goes through:

A) Someone bringing a physical object such as knife, gun, etc and shooting stabbing the person.
B) Killing someone through psychological torture (this applies to both men and women by the way, not just women or just men).
C) Sending someone to do the deed for you.

Anyways...I have given my advice, you are a grown adult. In the end, only you can change your situation.

[Egoist]

Thank you! I'm really grateful to you. I will go to the therapist this week InshAllah and study hard for my exams. *0*

[Mahir Adnan]

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[BurningHeart]

Do not leave your mum, she may be quiet when you ask for her permission but down deeply she will not want you to. So be there for her. I am certain that there should be other universities nearby you, where you may be able to switch your degree if you really want to study further.

And I am not advising this out of the blues, even I remained back during my bachelors degree. Yes I would have been accepted in really good universities, as my grades were at good end. I wanted to travel far from home to in a good university, but when I looked back home and especially my mum it made me uneasy with the plans. My siblings went abroad became doctors etc and this left me to decide to be around my mother.

Certainly it was painful to see my friends going in exceptional university, some even insisted to consider my plans again. But I stayed back, and got my bachelors done in a university nearby home. I realise now that family is really important, especially your mother. My mum has faced a lot of challenges in her life, she have had people who turn bad on her even whilst she was good, and she went down to depression. I do not want to go in detail about the problems she faced, the most serious one was caused via black magic (sihr) done on her. If I did not had stayed back then I knew I would regret by keeping her alone.

Saying that studying in university is everything is a fallacy, and a fake dream. Where people say move out and make a life, it shifts things down the wrong ends. You will not take your degrees down to your graves, and this degree will not give you the keys to Jannah. So it is not everything, what is important is becoming true muslims from the heart.

Speaking of the depression issues, I would have also fallen down in this and initially I did (to be honest). But Al hamdulillah, these problems and miseries lead me to get closer towards deen, and connecting to Shuyookh. So a bonus advice would be to connect yourself with pious people, and learned scholars so that you can discuss your problems with, this way it will keep your depression level at a good end. And they will advice you and give you realistic solutions to your problems. The scholars are not there without a reason, they are there to help those people who need and seek advices.

If you do not know Shaykh to write your problems to, there are plenty who can be touched through emails. Write down your problem in detail to them and they will respond inshaAllah. And keep motivating your mother for sabr, she may rebel with you at times but do not loose hope. Lastly, our ultimate goal is Jannah, it can be found under the feet of your mother not in the university degrees.

[I know I will face a backlash from some for giving this advice, but they are welcome to do so]

[Egoist]

I'm trying to leave the place not because I want a degree or something. I want to be away! I don't want too stay here anymore. I hate staying here. I love my mom I love my dad. But it's really hard

[xboxisdead]

Do not leave your mum, she may be quiet when you ask for her permission but down deeply she will not want you to. So be there for her. I am certain that there should be other universities nearby you, where you may be able to switch your degree if you really want to study further.

And I am not advising this out of the blues, even I remained back during my bachelors degree. Yes I would have been accepted in really good universities, as my grades were at good end. I wanted to travel far from home to in a good university, but when I looked back home and especially my mum it made me uneasy with the plans. My siblings went abroad became doctors etc and this left me to decide to be around my mother.

Certainly it was painful to see my friends going in exceptional university, some even insisted to consider my plans again. But I stayed back, and got my bachelors done in a university nearby home. I realise now that family is really important, especially your mother. My mum has faced a lot of challenges in her life, she have had people who turn bad on her even whilst she was good, and she went down to depression. I do not want to go in detail about the problems she faced, the most serious one was caused via black magic (sihr) done on her. If I did not had stayed back then I knew I would regret by keeping her alone.

Saying that studying in university is everything is a fallacy, and a fake dream. Where people say move out and make a life, it shifts things down the wrong ends. You will not take your degrees down to your graves, and this degree will not give you the keys to Jannah. So it is not everything, what is important is becoming true muslims from the heart.

Speaking of the depression issues, I would have also fallen down in this and initially I did (to be honest). But Al hamdulillah, these problems and miseries lead me to get closer towards deen, and connecting to Shuyookh. So a bonus advice would be to connect yourself with pious people, and learned scholars so that you can discuss your problems with, this way it will keep your depression level at a good end. And they will advice you and give you realistic solutions to your problems. The scholars are not there without a reason, they are there to help those people who need and seek advices.

If you do not know Shaykh to write your problems to, there are plenty who can be touched through emails. Write down your problem in detail to them and they will respond inshaAllah. And keep motivating your mother for sabr, she may rebel with you at times but do not loose hope. Lastly, our ultimate goal is Jannah, it can be found under the feet of your mother not in the university degrees.

[I know I will face a backlash from some for giving this advice, but they are welcome to do so]

You misunderstood me. My advice to her leaving is not to get a degree and get a husband and raise a family and live happily ever after leaving her mother in the pits of wolves alone. My advice is for her to leave so she can clear her head and get help from the outside in and save her mother. Then she take her mother with her and live far from the toxic environment and at the same time...seek professional help for herself and her mother as they are both now mentally warped and infected by the abusive father/husband. She cannot help her mother while she and her mother are being abused and living in a very toxic environment. If you have not slept for 6 days and I ask you to be awake to study for the exam...yeah...try that and see how far you can focus and study and pass the exam Her mind is all fogged out like a drunk driver...she will not be able to focus and help herself and her mother this way.

[BurningHeart]

It is really not as easy as you are stating, there are many factors that needs to be consider before taking such step. You are dealing with a family, and when you are suggesting to separate your parents then this is certainly not a small matter.

First step of us muslims should be whenever a time of difficulty arise is to turn straight to Allah rabul 'izza, and put forward your difficulties. Then resort to practical plans that may be able to mend these issues.

When you take deen out of the system, then do not expect things to give you peace. There people out there who have everything on the right track, have what they need but they are taking medications to give them peace of mind and heart. The actual peace of the heart will be attained when you attach yourself completely down the heart with Allah rabul 'izza. And when this will be the case, then even if the whole world falls apart or goes against you it will not affect your level of imaan and peace of the heart.

But I do not want to go off topic,

It would be suggested, that she should seek out other family members and sit down with her father. And talk out, and explain/discuss the issue straight forwardly. At times discussing can solve the issue.

I can understand she is at emotional state, where the wisdom goes down the drain. But be more practical in giving advices, instead of making a bigger fuss out of it. At times problems in life are not a torment for us, but rather a reminder to turn back to Allah rabul 'izza.

[talibilm]

Sister

In this world we are test for each other, hope you point to your parents and read hadith only to your father which says something like the best amongst us is the best to his women using hikmah.

Try to discuss with your father while he is in his good mood AND IN PRIVACY (not in the presence of your Mother) about his differences with your mom why & what makes him to behave so (there will be surely be some complaints from him) and also about the depression you are going through by his tough behaviour to your beloved mom and pray salat hajat to Allah to help in this matter and even tell your parents to, Inshallah (no parents are there who will not love their kids) he will turn to your request and urge.

Also explain your mother to make those changes in her which your father do not like . If we try Allah opens the way, Inshallah.