Guide Me...

[guideme]

I live in the US (Chicago)
My issue is my Mother-in –law. My Husband is a good person but in full control of his mother. She calls early morning everyday on his personal phone to find out what is his agenda for the day…She calls late at night to see what he is doing. He goes to see her at least five times a week. She knows of every detail in my household even before I know. I have been very patient with this issue in hopes that he will change, but now we are going into our 4th year of marriage and it is only getting worse. She treats me like her personal maid and when I complain to my husband he rolls his eyes and tell me to deal with it.
I feel if he ever had to choose between us he would choose her.
Am I over reacting? How much is too much control on her part. What can I do to stay calm and not blow up on those two? I hate the constant feeling of competing with her for his attention. I am truly hurt by the way he defends his mother to me and tells me that he likes to be a “mama’s boy” and I should step back.
What can I do under the Islamic rules to fix this…or is this something I need to fix within me.
I should mention that she has five sons and my husband is the one she has the most control over. She treats her In-laws badly in fact, my father-in-law is not allowed to meet them…yet she expects all of us to bow to her….she is a control freak

[Snowflake]

sis,

Your mother-in-law has her own place in your husband's life and you as his wife, have your own. Neither of you can replace the others. Therefore there is no competition. Why would you even consider him choosing between the two of you?

The possessiveness/protectiveness, your M-I-L displays may have resulted from when your husband was a baby. She may have felt she's going to lose him to some illness, accident, or natural death.

What I mean to say is that, for some reason she constantly needs assurance that her son is OK, hence the constant calling etc. Any man who's received lots of love from his mother will feel proud to be a mummy's boy. There is nothing wrong with that. You can't and shouldn't be competing with the love they have for each other. No man will respect a wife who he feels resents that. All his life, your husband has shared/received advice & opinions with his mother and why should that change because he has married you. Please don't try to change their relationship, but become a part of it instead. Maybe they sense your resentment. Shift the balance by being supportive of their views and your husband may feel much more comfortable sharing his views with you as he does with his mother.

We want everyone to treat us nicely but we don't stop to ask ourselves what we have done to deserve being treated so nicely. A little act of kindness can go a long way. Invite your mom-in-law for meal prepared by you. When your husband goes to visit her, send some food, fruit for her. You cannot inhale a breath without letting one out first. So give your love freely and you will also get it in return. Don't see yourself as something separate. They are your family too now. Work towards unity and harmony and your resentment will disappear.

Whatever the issues your mom-in-law has with her in-laws is her business. You should concern yourself with your input towards your marriage and relations that come with it.

[- Qatada -]

We will keep you in our prayers insha'Allaah sister. I don't really know what else to say sorry, but remember that dua' (prayer) is the best weapon of the believer.

You may want to check these links out insha'Allaah:



Balancing Husband's Duties Towards Wife and Parents.

Husband’s Duty Towards Wife and Parents.

http://www.islamonline.net/servlet/S...EAskTheScholar


May Allaah make things easier for you and the muslim ummah (nation) at all times. Ameen.

[Nicola]

I really don't think there is much you can do with this situation...

I have seen such men myself many times in my life...I also have a cousin like it also.
I will make sure I never treat my sons like this and come between their marraige.

My prayers are with you
God Bless.

[Muhammad Waqqas]

I live in the US (Chicago)
My issue is my Mother-in –law. My Husband is a good person but in full control of his mother. She calls early morning everyday on his personal phone to find out what is his agenda for the day…She calls late at night to see what he is doing. He goes to see her at least five times a week. She knows of every detail in my household even before I know. I have been very patient with this issue in hopes that he will change, but now we are going into our 4th year of marriage and it is only getting worse. She treats me like her personal maid and when I complain to my husband he rolls his eyes and tell me to deal with it.
I feel if he ever had to choose between us he would choose her.
Am I over reacting? How much is too much control on her part. What can I do to stay calm and not blow up on those two? I hate the constant feeling of competing with her for his attention. I am truly hurt by the way he defends his mother to me and tells me that he likes to be a “mama’s boy” and I should step back.
What can I do under the Islamic rules to fix this…or is this something I need to fix within me.
I should mention that she has five sons and my husband is the one she has the most control over. She treats her In-laws badly in fact, my father-in-law is not allowed to meet them…yet she expects all of us to bow to her….she is a control freak

Point # 1 Sister: There is an hadith, which says that when the Hour (The day of judgment) will be near, people will bow down to their wives and will be mistreating their mothers. You should be happy that your husband is not of those who are the the signs of the hour.

Point # 2: You wrote: "My Husband is a good person but in full control of his mother."

What do you mean ".. but in full control of his mother..."? Sister, to be a good Muslim, he has got to be in FULL control of his mother. When you will become a mother you'll realize this. Paradise lies in the feet of mothers. You said he goes to meet his mother 5 times a week, which surly sounds too much, I'm not sure if he really dose that. But even if he dose, you cannot blame him for that, he yet passes more time with you as compared with his mother.

Point # 3: Why do you have problems if he tells his daily routine to his mother? That's a really strange thing you pointed out. I don't see a wife is illtreated by the husband who tells his mother about his daily routine?

Point # 4: "... She calls late night to see what is he doing..." What's wrong with this???

Point # 5: "She knows of every detail in my household even before I know. I have been very patient with this issue in hopes that he will change, but now we are going into our 4th year of marriage and it is only getting worse."

Imagin, you've been very "Patient" with "THIS" situation...

Point # 6: "She treats me like her personal maid and when I complain to my husband he rolls his eyes and tell me to deal with it." Sometimes, when people are explaining problems, they try and make use of wrong facts don't actually exist. I hope you are not doing that.

In Islam, you have no responsability to take care of your Husband's mother or father. But if you do, you'll definatly earn more thawab. Let your husband know this, that its not your responsability in Islam to take care of his mother or to Cook food and wash dishes for him. to show your love for him, you can do this, but its not your 'responsability' as a Muslim wife.

Point # 7: "I am truly hurt by the way he defends his mother to me and tells me that he likes to be a “mama’s boy” and I should step back.
What can I do under the Islamic rules to fix this…or is this something I need to fix within me."

Sister, the Glorious Qur'an says in sevral places in Surah Baqarah, Ch 2, Verse 153, In Baqarah Ch 2, V 249, in Surah Anfaal, Ch 8, Verse 46, Surah Anfaal, Ch 8, Verse 66, in sevral places, in Surah Ibrahim Ch 14, V 21, in Surah An Nehl, Ch 16, V 96, in Surah An Nehl, Ch 16, V 126 that:

" إِنَّ اللّهَ مَعَ الصَّابِرِينَ"
That.. "Varily, Allah is with those how are patient.."

So the first thing you need to do is "Be patient." Secondly, when ever you have some problem, the simplest, and the coolest, and the most perfect solution is: Perform Wadoo and pray 2 Nafils of Salaat-e-Haja'h. When ever I have a problem, I do this,and Alhamdulilah, really really big problems of mine are solved. At times when its hot, I pray 2 nafils and pray to Allah to bring clouds today, and believe it or not, Alhamdulilah, the climate gets better.

So the first thing you need to do is patient.

Some body once asked the Prophet, "Ya RasoolAllah, what can I do to make Allah's anger cool down?" The Prophet said, "be patient on wordly difficulties and problems."

So, in brief, first we need to get Allah on our side, how we do that? By being patient. "Innallaha Ma'as Saabireen". When we are done with that, We need to ask Allah for the solution of the problems.

The best way of performing Salat-e-Hajat is to Recite Surah Al Kafiroon in the first Raka'h, and Surah Ikhlaas in the second Rakah. After youve completed the Salaah, reite durood sharif and some Kalmaas and then read the following:

"La Ilaha ill Lallahul Haleem Ul Kareem, SubhhanAllah hil Arshil Azeem, Wal Hamdulilahi Rabbil Aalameen -- As aaloka Mujibati Rahmatika.. Wa Aazaaima Maghfiratika, Wal Ghaneemata mil kulli birrin, Wassalamata min kulli issmin-- wala tad'a li zammann illa Gafarta, wala hamman illa farajta, wala hajatann hiya laka ridann Illa qazaitaha, Ya Arhamar Rahemeen."

After reading this dua, ask anything from Allah and he will InshaAllah solve your problem because "Innalllaha Alla Kulli Shai in Qadeer" Verily Allah has power over All things.

Wa Akhirdudawana Anil hamdulilahi Rabbil Aalameen.

[syilla]

jazakallah...

i think that is a good advise... for everyone..

[syilla]

"La Ilaha ill Lallahul Haleem Ul Kareem, SubhhanAllah hil Arshil Azeem, Wal Hamdulilahi Rabbil Aalameen -- As aaloka Mujibati Rahmatika.. Wa Aazaaima Maghfiratika, Wal Ghaneemata mil kulli birrin, Wassalamata min kulli issmin-- wala tad'a li zammann illa Gafarta, wala hamman illa farajta, wala hajatann hiya laka ridann Illa qazaitaha, Ya Arhamar Rahemeen."

could you pls write this... in arabic font... i'm always confuse when reading in this font...

[mbaig]

Point # 1 Sister: There is an hadith, which says that when the Hour (The day of judgment) will be near, people will bow down to their wives and will be mistreating their mothers. You should be happy that your husband is not of those who are the the signs of the hour.

Point # 2: You wrote: "My Husband is a good person but in full control of his mother."

What do you mean ".. but in full control of his mother..."? Sister, to be a good Muslim, he has got to be in FULL control of his mother. When you will become a mother you'll realize this. Paradise lies in the feet of mothers. You said he goes to meet his mother 5 times a week, which surly sounds too much, I'm not sure if he really dose that. But even if he dose, you cannot blame him for that, he yet passes more time with you as compared with his mother.

Point # 3: Why do you have problems if he tells his daily routine to his mother? That's a really strange thing you pointed out. I don't see a wife is illtreated by the husband who tells his mother about his daily routine?

Point # 4: "... She calls late night to see what is he doing..." What's wrong with this???

Point # 5: "She knows of every detail in my household even before I know. I have been very patient with this issue in hopes that he will change, but now we are going into our 4th year of marriage and it is only getting worse."

Imagin, you've been very "Patient" with "THIS" situation...

Point # 6: "She treats me like her personal maid and when I complain to my husband he rolls his eyes and tell me to deal with it." Sometimes, when people are explaining problems, they try and make use of wrong facts don't actually exist. I hope you are not doing that.

In Islam, you have no responsability to take care of your Husband's mother or father. But if you do, you'll definatly earn more thawab. Let your husband know this, that its not your responsability in Islam to take care of his mother or to Cook food and wash dishes for him. to show your love for him, you can do this, but its not your 'responsability' as a Muslim wife.

Point # 7: "I am truly hurt by the way he defends his mother to me and tells me that he likes to be a “mama’s boy” and I should step back.
What can I do under the Islamic rules to fix this…or is this something I need to fix within me."

Sister, the Glorious Qur'an says in sevral places in Surah Baqarah, Ch 2, Verse 153, In Baqarah Ch 2, V 249, in Surah Anfaal, Ch 8, Verse 46, Surah Anfaal, Ch 8, Verse 66, in sevral places, in Surah Ibrahim Ch 14, V 21, in Surah An Nehl, Ch 16, V 96, in Surah An Nehl, Ch 16, V 126 that:

" إِنَّ اللّهَ مَعَ الصَّابِرِينَ"
That.. "Varily, Allah is with those how are patient.."

So the first thing you need to do is "Be patient." Secondly, when ever you have some problem, the simplest, and the coolest, and the most perfect solution is: Perform Wadoo and pray 2 Nafils of Salaat-e-Haja'h. When ever I have a problem, I do this,and Alhamdulilah, really really big problems of mine are solved. At times when its hot, I pray 2 nafils and pray to Allah to bring clouds today, and believe it or not, Alhamdulilah, the climate gets better.

So the first thing you need to do is patient.

Some body once asked the Prophet, "Ya RasoolAllah, what can I do to make Allah's anger cool down?" The Prophet said, "be patient on wordly difficulties and problems."

So, in brief, first we need to get Allah on our side, how we do that? By being patient. "Innallaha Ma'as Saabireen". When we are done with that, We need to ask Allah for the solution of the problems.

The best way of performing Salat-e-Hajat is to Recite Surah Al Kafiroon in the first Raka'h, and Surah Ikhlaas in the second Rakah. After youve completed the Salaah, reite durood sharif and some Kalmaas and then read the following:

"La Ilaha ill Lallahul Haleem Ul Kareem, SubhhanAllah hil Arshil Azeem, Wal Hamdulilahi Rabbil Aalameen -- As aaloka Mujibati Rahmatika.. Wa Aazaaima Maghfiratika, Wal Ghaneemata mil kulli birrin, Wassalamata min kulli issmin-- wala tad'a li zammann illa Gafarta, wala hamman illa farajta, wala hajatann hiya laka ridann Illa qazaitaha, Ya Arhamar Rahemeen."

After reading this dua, ask anything from Allah and he will InshaAllah solve your problem because "Innalllaha Alla Kulli Shai in Qadeer" Verily Allah has power over All things.

Wa Akhirdudawana Anil hamdulilahi Rabbil Aalameen.

A'salaam alaykum brother ,

Really a great advice and explanation. Thanks brother for sharing such valuable information. May allah give you reward for this.

[Muhammad Waqqas]

"La Ilaha ill Lallahul Haleem Ul Kareem, SubhhanAllah hil Arshil Azeem, Wal Hamdulilahi Rabbil Aalameen -- As aaloka Mujibati Rahmatika.. Wa Aazaaima Maghfiratika, Wal Ghaneemata mil kulli birrin, Wassalamata min kulli issmin-- wala tad'a li zammann illa Gafarta, wala hamman illa farajta, wala hajatann hiya laka ridann Illa qazaitaha, Ya Arhamar Rahemeen."

could you pls write this... in arabic font... i'm always confuse when reading in this font...

Sister, I'll InshaAllah write it down for you in Arabic after a few hours. Check this thread back in a few hours (I'm a bit busy now).

[Selising]

Very good point from Muslimah_sis and Muhammad Waqqas.

First 2 years of marriage I stayed with my MIL. It was the most torture time in my life, I thot. Now I realise it should be the best time if I can handle it wisely and use the opportunity to serve her and make her happy.

When I stay with the family (MIL, Brother ILs), I can't cook since she cook at 11am, I reached home at 7pm. I have to eat whatever she cook at that 11am, sometimes yesterday's meal which has been re-cook. That is not my style. I normally eat something hot, something that had just been prepared. Sometmes if I bought something she forced me to tell what I planned to make. Say I bought crab, what I want to do with it, curry? sweet sour? deep fry? schezhuan? Ok schezhuan, how to make schezhuan? Oh my God!

Not to mention her complaining about this and that.

Then I start thinking. She was an elderly, she was alone at home. she had nothing to do. Everybody in the house went to work except her. She was extremely lonely. when she were young she used to cut the grass using scissor, you cant find dust under her cupboard, she will even iron the t-shirt. When she getting older, she can't do many things, nobody at home to talk with. She can't go far since she can easily get tired. she is not interested in TV. How boring her life was.

What will you do if you stay at home for let say more than 10 days? Say u were ill and given MC and nobody at home. What will you do? You will start thinking of sombody you care most. You want to talk to somebody and you will start disturbing people. Call here and there to overcome your boringness. I will die sis if I cant talk to anybody. I were given tongue, I were given mind that always work, that always thinking of this and that. Of course I have the desire to discuss something with somebody

When I was hospitalised for 5 days, I was so happy when the nurse come to my room even to poke my finger to test my blood sugar or bring a neeedle to take my blood sample.

What is wrong if a mother wants to call his son? What is wrong with that? What is wrong if a mother ordered his son to see her? She has the right, he has to fulfill his duty as a son. She has taken care of him when he was small. When he cannot walk, when he cannot talk, when he was ill and don't know what medicine to take to overcome his illness. Will u leave a person who has taken care of you? When she gave advice, will you call it as interfeering? She is experienced, even thou your time and her time is different but sometimes, there will be some similarity.

I've read about Prophet Ismail when his father came to visit him and talked to his wife. Prophet Ibrahim told the wife to tell P Ismail to change the pillar of the house, he divorced his wife. The next time he came he told the daughter IL to tell P Ismail to keep the pillar of the house and the wife remain. I'm not sure if this story happen to be Israileat, but that shows, if a parent doesn't agree with the wife, the son has to take the advice. So far I think your MIL loves you, that tells why she never ordered her son to leave you

Love your MIL as much as you love your own mom. Treat her just like you treat your mom. She is not somebody else, she gave birth to your husband and raised him, educate him till he became a very nice man. love her

[Muhammad Waqqas]

Here is the only paragraph I really loved to read in your post:

What is wrong if a mother wants to call his son? What is wrong with that? What is wrong if a mother ordered his son to see her? She has the right, he has to fulfill his duty as a son. She has taken care of him when he was small. When he cannot walk, when he cannot talk, when he was ill and don't know what medicine to take to overcome his illness. Will u leave a person who has taken care of you? When she gave advice, will you call it as interfeering? She is experienced, even thou your time and her time is different but sometimes, there will be some similarity.

[muslimah_here]

SIster I know its not easy to overcome the feel of being undervalued byt ones husband, but ALLHUMDOLILAh u live separately, n yes ur fard is to be dutiful to ur husband not ur in laws, if u do so then ul get more reward for it INSHALLAH. U CANNNOT KEEP QUIET UR WHOLE LIFE ABOUT IT IF IT REALLY EATING U FROM INSIDE OR ul go insane. may wen ur husband is in a good mood talk to him nicely about ur concerns n INSHALLAH he will give a thought to it. most imp pray to ALLAH to make ur relationship strong with ur husband, prayers have strong power if ALLAh will He will make ur husnbands heart soft for you, n guide him to have a balanced realtionship with u n his mtoher INSHALLAH.

AH

[IceQueen~]

I live in the US (Chicago)
My issue is my Mother-in –law. My Husband is a good person but in full control of his mother. She calls early morning everyday on his personal phone to find out what is his agenda for the day…She calls late at night to see what he is doing. He goes to see her at least five times a week. She knows of every detail in my household even before I know. I have been very patient with this issue in hopes that he will change, but now we are going into our 4th year of marriage and it is only getting worse. She treats me like her personal maid and when I complain to my husband he rolls his eyes and tell me to deal with it.
I feel if he ever had to choose between us he would choose her.
Am I over reacting? How much is too much control on her part. What can I do to stay calm and not blow up on those two? I hate the constant feeling of competing with her for his attention. I am truly hurt by the way he defends his mother to me and tells me that he likes to be a “mama’s boy” and I should step back.
What can I do under the Islamic rules to fix this…or is this something I need to fix within me.
I should mention that she has five sons and my husband is the one she has the most control over. She treats her In-laws badly in fact, my father-in-law is not allowed to meet them…yet she expects all of us to bow to her….she is a control freak

why don't you ask Allah for help ukhtee? He is the all-powerful and all-wise-He's just waiting for you to ask Him...

[...]

Sabrun Jameel - pray to Allah and be patient.

[Muslim Soldier]

there was an article o this forum about a mother in law being poisoned. Perhaps you should read that.