I don't know where to start or end as this is a bit of a complex situation. Anyway here it goes.....
When I was eleven I was taken back to pakistan for a cousin wedding and at the same time my mother and father got me engaged (seeing as I am the oldest of five brothers and have one older sister) to my mum sister daughter (mum niece), at the time I didn't know any better so I went along with what I was told even though I disapproved of my parents choice. Years went by and in them years my sister also got married to my mum sister son (nephew), you see my mum has five sister from whom all have plenty of offspring so my mum can matchmake every one of her children to her sister children. My mum starting making her niece jewellery and clothes for the wedding after my sister got married and as time draw closer for me to getting married I grew more and more rebellious and opposing that I do not wish to get married to my mum niece, I had made this clear to my family but my mum thought she could try sweet talking me and pampering me so that I agree but I still stuck to what I wanted.
In the year 2004 it was planned that I was due to go pakistan to go get married to my mum niece, also my mum arranged for my younger brother wedding to take place on the same day as mine but the only difference was that he was getting married to my dad niece and she is from england but they still planned to do the wedding in pakistan to save cost. I had met someone that I wished to get married to and my family disapproved of my choice as they wanted their choice (mum niece) just to keep the izzat (honour) within the extended family.
When push came to shove, I destroyed my passport so that they couldn't take me abroad but yet they tried to make arrangement for another passport to be issued but I stopped that from happening too as I alerted the authority (passport office) that my family were forcing me to get married hence I do not wish to go abroad or have my passport issued. I informed the extended family members to talk to my parents and make them see sense but my mother stated that she will not be taking on board what anyone says as she is my mother and knows what is best for me.
As the month arrived for me to go, my parents got more anxious as they wanted me to go with them and as they knew I am doing everything I can not to go they started saying that my grandmother is my her death bed and wishes to see me so that by using this tactic I would go, I knew this was a lie as it is often what parents in my extended family would say to their kids to get them to go abroad. So I started to play the same game they played with me and I told them that the passport office would issue my passport two weeks set from the date they had there tickets booked from. The plan worked, my family went pakistan and were waiting on me. Yet they had my mum uncle to keep an eye out for me so that I do do everything to go.I was scared of my uncle because he was twice the size of me and would often hit me if I didn't do things that they wanted. my parents hadn't given up hope on me, instead they told my uncle to have me ready by the phone so that they can carry out a nikah over the phone! I hestitated as my uncle had me right where he wanted and had his family recorded the act of phone marriage via camcorder, the phone rang, I answered and it was my father saying that the moulana is going to speak to me next and I was to follow what is said, but somehow the line started to crack up and the phone cut of but they rang again, the moulana asked who do I appoint as my nikah guardian/brother, I gave my father name three time and the phone cut of again. by this time everyone around me thought the nikah was done, they started congratulating me and I just quickly ran out the door but apparently after I left my father had called again asking for me as the nikah was still to complete, when he realised I was not there, they were in a state of shock because they didn't want there izzat to go down infront of everyone so my father completed the rest of the nikah for me on my behalf and they made out to everyone I was now islamically married to the girl and they still think I am when I know I'm not as I didn't say complete the nikah ceremony. They arrived back to england and my father did not speak to me for two years. As they wanted my mum niece to come out to the uk, they sent my younger brother who just returned with his wife to go back to pakistan and use his nikah papers to get her out to the uk. This was done by erasing his wife name on the nikah paper and they wrote the niece name on there to make out that he is married to the mother niece (yeah I know stupid move) and the niece and my younger brother took pictures together as bride and groom to prove to the british ambassy that they are married and it worked, the niece came out to the the uk but before she came I got married to the girl of my choice without my parents consent but I carried on to live at my parents house and my wife lived at her parents house, I told my family they didn't believe me that I got married. When the niece came out to the uk in feb 2006, my mum sent her to my room thinking I would do husband and wife acts with her, I was furious and told her that keep out my way I'm a married man. But still my mum kept insisting that she bring roti up to me and wash my clothes etc as they believe she is my wife.They even both my mother and niece used black magic on me so that I accept the niece as my wife but it didnt work. Relatives came down congratulating the niece on our so called marriage that did not take place, when the relatives would approach me I would tell them the truth that I am not married and basically my mum got everyone to believe that she my wife, even my brothers and sister call her sister in law. So I took my nikah paper and showed it to everyone in my family,my mum still didnt give up hope and starting having khataam so that my wife disappears from the picture and her niece and I could work things out.As she knew nothing was having its effect on me my mum gave me an ultimatum that either I choose her and her niece or homewrecker (that what she calls my wife and far worse), I choose my wife in june 2006 she kicked me out the house for the sake of keeping her niece happy and said that my wife would have affairs and would treat me with no respect and that I would be at her mercy (mother) within two months time asking for her forgiveness but alhumdillah that did not happen. I am now with my wife, yet my wife also believed that I may have cheated her by marrying the niece because everyone had given the niece the status of being my wife rather than her, I showed her the film that was recorded by my uncle family on the day that the phone marraige was to occur, she would believe me but then again she still kept getting doubts. I made up with my father (after he seen the niece true colours as she was treating him like crap when the mother when to pakistan) and he talks to my wife and she asked him what was the truth, he confirmed that I was married to the niece (yes he still believes the marriage was valid), my wife heart broke. I told her that ask my father how did the nikah take place, once he told her that he said the marriage vows on behalf of me she was so relieved as she knew that it is invalid.
But now this is the problem..... the niece tells people that she is the wife and I am working away from home that is why I am not with her but when they confront her (after I tell them that I am not married to the niece explaining what has happened) saying what I have told them, she claims that my wife is the soutan (adultress) having an affair with her husband. people begin to feel sorry for and stupidily tell her to read specific ayats of the quran so that Allah endures suffering on my wife and me just in the same way she had to suffer. My wife is really hurt as she thinks people would label her as an adultress although at times she tries to have some assurance by saying she doesnt care what people of this duniya think, the final analysis is between her and Allah but then I know at times she is deeply distressed. The niece is due to receive her permit next year feb time, my mum has told her to work and earn money so that when she gets her permit her parents that are in pakistan wish for her to get married again but still she holds a very special position in my mum heart and will have a strong bond with my mum even when she does leave, so what do I do considering my mum would not be able to forgive me and accept my wife (seeing as there janaat under the feet of a mother) and how do I make my wife feel better? overall what do you think I should do to improve this situation
you know what no offence but that woman doesnt sound nice at all. report her before she gets her permit, because it seems shes set about making yours and your wifes life a misery.
may Allah bless your marriage and keep you and your wife happy.
Our Lord! Verily, we have heard the call of one calling to Faith: 'Believe in your Lord,' and we have believed.
Our Lord! Forgive us our sins and expiate from us our evil deeds, and make us die (in the state of righteousness) along with Al-Abrar
you know what no offence but that woman doesnt sound nice at all. report her before she gets her permit, because it seems shes set about making yours and your wifes life a misery.
may Allah bless your marriage and keep you and your wife happy.
I did report her,its been a year yet nothing has happened. I suppose its in her fate to be in the uk, whatever Allah knows best.
i agree; i think you should move away and have a new start. dnt lose contact with you family, but just move away from them to a new town or something and insh'allah things will start getting better, and also if you move away your wife will not be a victim anymore because it'll be a new start.
i feel so sorry for her!
insh'allah everything will work out alright. it's all in Allah's hands, make sure you pray and keep your trust in Allah.
____________________________________________
never trust anyone except Allah.
people will break your trust all the time, but your faith in Allah will never ever let you down...
Certainly does seem to be a very messy situation! Can I ask does your mother refuse to talk to you since she closed her doors to you? Do you ever go to her house?
I agree that maybe you should move away with your wife, without breaking any links with other relatives. Its important you still have contact with your siblings especially if they are still living with your mother. Also moving away may give your wife some reassurance.
I think your relationship with your mother will take time to build up again. She might never change the position she has given to her neice in her heart. And there would be no point trying to change that. Even though your dad sees her differently, its important that you dont try to bring your cousin down in your mothers eyes. Instead concentrate on the relationship between you and her. I would suggest you visit her if she will let you into her home, and as her eldest son maybe help her by taking on some of her responsibilities with the other children i.e. your siblings. Spend time with your dad. Dont let them feel as if they have lost you completely.
At the same time give yourself some space to flourish your relationship with your wife. She is being unnecessarily harmed in the situation.
....If thou knowest not thy God, thou art a slave of men;
And if thou dost, thy slaves are kings and potentates.
The heart’s freedom is kingly; its slavery is death,
It is for thee to decide — to be a king or a slave.
[Baal-e-Jibreel, Allama Iqbal 1935]
Certainly does seem to be a very messy situation! Can I ask does your mother refuse to talk to you since she closed her doors to you? Do you ever go to her house?
I agree that maybe you should move away with your wife, without breaking any links with other relatives. Its important you still have contact with your siblings especially if they are still living with your mother. Also moving away may give your wife some reassurance.
I think your relationship with your mother will take time to build up again. She might never change the position she has given to her neice in her heart. And there would be no point trying to change that. Even though your dad sees her differently, its important that you dont try to bring your cousin down in your mothers eyes. Instead concentrate on the relationship between you and her. I would suggest you visit her if she will let you into her home, and as her eldest son maybe help her by taking on some of her responsibilities with the other children i.e. your siblings. Spend time with your dad. Dont let them feel as if they have lost you completely.
At the same time give yourself some space to flourish your relationship with your wife. She is being unnecessarily harmed in the situation.
Unfortunately as I have just started a new job it is hard for me to move away
it's a really hard situation, but yeah wotever u do don't cut off ties and remember it is wrong for parents to forcefully marry their child without their childs consent it's going against Islam. that's what culture does it makes ppl confused!! take brother I will pray 4 u and pray 4 us
ameen to the prayers.
i really feel for you brother.
your mother's niece, does the woman have no self respect or pride.
much respect to you for staying with your parents for that long, i would have been long gone from the begining.. but i guess that's easier said then done and you had that bully of an uncle
anyway i also think the best thing for you to do would be to move away (if your financially able to)
Unfortunately as I have just started a new job it is hard for me to move away
Hmm. I dont know maybe you have to give up something to see any improvements in the situation. Maybe talk to your wife and ask her how she would feel about moving away? Allahu A'lam. I hope your situation improves.
....If thou knowest not thy God, thou art a slave of men;
And if thou dost, thy slaves are kings and potentates.
The heart’s freedom is kingly; its slavery is death,
It is for thee to decide — to be a king or a slave.
[Baal-e-Jibreel, Allama Iqbal 1935]
Next year inshallah I am hoping to go to hajj, as I have known it would be right for me to ask my mother for forgiveness if ever I had done anything to hurt her, if she refuses to forgive me would my hajj be accepted? Also have I behaved disobediently with my mother with everything that I have explained above because I am afraid that the doors of janaat will be closed to me as a result of this (janaat is under your mother feet but if you hurt your mother and she does not forgive you the doors of janaat are closed for that person)
Next year inshallah I am hoping to go to hajj, as I have known it would be right for me to ask my mother for forgiveness if ever I had done anything to hurt her, if she refuses to forgive me would my hajj be accepted? Also have I behaved disobediently with my mother with everything that I have explained above because I am afraid that the doors of janaat will be closed to me as a result of this (janaat is under your mother feet but if you hurt your mother and she does not forgive you the doors of janaat are closed for that person)
sallam brother
i def hope that janna's doors are wide open for you and your wife inshallah
p.s i dont think you done wrong in your actions,seems like you had no choice....may Allah guide you.ameen
Thats deep bro... I can feel your pain. Like the sisters mentioned before be nice to your parents, a wife can be replaced but not parents.
Dont cut off ties, as long as you are doing your part Allah is most forgiving.
On a harsher note I think your second marriage doesnt seem to be valid, if the parents consent was not taken. A person is not allowed to leave for jihaad without parents consent (which is a far bigger duty to Allah swt).
Bro in your interest look up the Shariah and Sunnah rulings regarding actions where marriages are not valid. Make up with your parents follow the commands of Allah and the Sunnah of Rasool SAW, Allah will help you. Ameen.
Allah swt knows best
"By time, Indeed, mankind is in loss, Except for those who have believed and done righteous deeds and advised each other to truth and advised each other to patience."Quran 103
The wali rule applies to the women, male do not need a wali present so I believe it is valid, what isn't valid is my father completing the nikah with the neice on behalf of me
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& ameen 2 the dua
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