Hafsa, not every day is a fairytale, and you know how life can be for some people.
A few days ago, I messaged one of my students, to ask if she was continuing her Quran studies. She told me that she hadn't really been doing much lately, and she started asking me for help. Somehow, that conversation made me feel guilty in ways I can't even explain. I think it's because she sees me as someone who is very religious, and deep down, I know I still have so much to work on myself.
Why does this always happen to me? Whenever I do something good, I start questioning my intentions. Was I doing it for the sake of Allah, or was there a part of me that wanted to be seen as a good person? Will Allah even reward me for it if my intentions weren't completely sincere? But at the end Allah knows best and we should not get through the tricks of shaitan try to distance us from Allah.
I've been crying every day for the past few days. My heart feels so heavy, and all I want sometimes is to hug my mama one more time. But she's no longer in this world But I can tell you Allah loves me sm that I want to meet Him quickly but I don't think I have enough deeds I really hope Allah makes us do things which are never ending charity for us. Ameen
My mama was such a God-fearing woman. Like all of us, she made mistakes, but her love for Allah and her trust in Him never faded.
Let me tell you a little about her.
When I first started university, my mama suddenly became very sick with dengue. At first, it didn't seem too serious to me because we'd seen relatives go through similar illnesses before. I thought it would be something like COVID, where you'd feel unwell for a while and eventually recover.
But within a week, her condition became so bad that she had to be admitted to the hospital.
I still remember being just 17 years old, sitting alone in a hospital room with her at around 1 a.m. My baba was outside, trying to find blood and platelets because her levels had dropped dangerously low.
My uncle had bought me a burger, and I remember being so excited to eat it. I'd taken just one bite, and it was still in my mouth when my mama suddenly started shivering badly. I remember that moment so clearly. The bite was still in my mouth, and she was asking me to cover her with a blanket as quickly as possible.
Later, I took her for an X-ray, and even in the middle of everything she was going through, she was still worrying about me. She kept telling me, "Hafsa, eat your lunch." I went over to check on it, only to find that it was full of ants. Hehe.
Looking back, I realise how much I took for granted back then.
At that stage of my life, I was so caught up in this world. I wasn't the person I wish I had been, and I made mistakes that I deeply regret. But Allah is so forgiving, and I pray that He continues to guide me and brings me closer to Him.
I remember that even when my mama was still in the general ward, she had started talking to me about death. She would say things like, "Hafsa, we all have to leave this world one day. You have to take care of everyone."
She had lost her own father just two years earlier. He was one of the most honest people I've ever known. He wouldn't even tell the smallest lie. My mama missed him so much, and she would often dream about him and meeting him again.
A few days before she fell ill, she had a dream about my grandpa. She told us, so proudly and happily, that she had seen him wearing white clothes, alongside many other people who were also dressed in white.
Around that same time, I noticed that she had started repenting to Allah more and more. She even stopped doing certain things she used to enjoy. For example, we would sometimes insist that she watch movies with us, but she would refuse and tell us not to watch them either.
She was always trying to bring us closer to Allah.
I remember getting annoyed when she would say, "Hafsa, please try to get closer to Allah. I'm really worried about you. I feel like you don't pray properly."
And I would respond, "Who are you to know what my connection with Allah is like?"
But deep down, I knew there was some truth in what she was saying.
My mama has been gone for two years now, and honestly, I still don't have the words to describe the kind of person she was. She was a gem.
One of the last things she repeatedly told me was, "Hafsa, don't be rude to anyone. Don't hurt people."
She used to write in her diary whenever she missed her baba. I would ask her what she was writing and insist that she show me, but she would always say, "No. You can read it once I'm gone."
And here I am, two years later, finally reading the words she left behind.
I want to share some parts of her diary with you all. I truly believe there are lessons in her words that we can all benefit from. And if even one person reads them and tries to act upon them, I pray that Allah accepts it as a source of ongoing reward for my mama.
The following paragraphs were written on different days and at different times. I've translated them from the original language as faithfully as I could.
My dear children,
Life is very short. Only Allah knows when hands will let go and companionship will come to an end. I was not able to raise you exactly as I should have, but I pray to Allah that you become the kind of people He wants you to be.
My children, life is uncertain and fleeting. Do not become so attached to this world that when the time comes to leave it, your heart is unwilling to go. Strive at least to make your prayers (Salah) sincere and accepted, and strengthen your relationship with Allah.
We all have to return to Allah. Therefore, when someone passes away, we should not lose ourselves in grief. InshaAllah, we will all meet again in Paradise, in the best of conditions and the most beautiful surroundings.
Just remember one thing: after a person dies, they do not need the tears of those left behind. What truly benefits them are the gifts of good deeds, prayers, and acts of charity done on their behalf.
Today, I saw my dear father in a dream.
Allah granted me a very beautiful meeting with him. May Allah raise the ranks of my beloved father and grant him a place better than mine, under the shade of fruit-bearing trees, beside cool and sweet waters, among rivers of honey, and in Jannat-ul-Firdous.
My dear children, life has taught me many lessons, and losing my father has taught me this too: leave this world in such a noble way that even the people who knew you weep at your departure.
Leave this world without carrying the burden of having hurt others in your heart. Strive to ensure that no one remains upset with you and that the hearts of those you leave behind are at peace with you.
We are sinful servants, and our deeds are weak. Perhaps Allah may forgive us because of our kindness towards others and our حسنِ سلوک (good character).
My dear children, my pieces of heart,
Life is like a whiteboard on which something written with a permanent marker cannot be erased. Every action of ours is being written down.
The rights of Allah can be forgiven through repentance, but what about the rights of people (huqooq-ul-ibaad)? What about those whose hearts we have broken? How will we make things right with them?
Even when a broken heart heals, a crack may remain. A mark is left behind.
So, my children, try your best to ensure that your actions never become the reason for someone's pain or a broken heart.
My dear children, my pieces of heart,
Life is very short, and instead of spending it in gratitude for Allah's blessings, we often waste it complaining about what we don't have.
We cannot truly count or repay the blessings Allah has given us. At some point during the day or night, we should reflect on how our day went, what Allah blessed us with, and what blessings we were able to enjoy.
Remember what you have been given, and forget what you have not received.
My dear children,
Our problem is that we cry over things that are, in the bigger picture, not worth so much of our sorrow. Instead, we should remind ourselves of what we already have.
Every wish of ours that was meant to be fulfilled, Allah fulfilled. And what was not fulfilled must have had a wisdom behind it, even if we could not understand it at the time.
My children, today's lesson in this diary is gratitude.
We should not focus on patience alone, but also on gratitude. We practise patience when our attention is on what we lack. Instead, we should shift our focus away from what we don't have and towards the blessings we already enjoy.
May Allah grant all of us the ability to act upon these lessons. Ameen.
That was a little introduction to my mama and some of the beautiful words she left behind.
I miss her more than words can explain, and there are days when all I want is to sit beside her and tell her everything that's going on in my life.
But I remind myself that Allah is the Most Merciful, and I pray that He reunites us in Jannat-ul-Firdous, where there will be no more goodbyes.
May Allah forgive our shortcomings, purify our intentions, guide our hearts, and help us become people who are loved for their kindness and remembered for the good they leave behind.
And may Allah grant my mama the highest ranks in Jannah.
I pray that we all keep finding our way back to Him, no matter how far we may have wandered.
Ameen.
A few days ago, I messaged one of my students, to ask if she was continuing her Quran studies. She told me that she hadn't really been doing much lately, and she started asking me for help. Somehow, that conversation made me feel guilty in ways I can't even explain. I think it's because she sees me as someone who is very religious, and deep down, I know I still have so much to work on myself.
Why does this always happen to me? Whenever I do something good, I start questioning my intentions. Was I doing it for the sake of Allah, or was there a part of me that wanted to be seen as a good person? Will Allah even reward me for it if my intentions weren't completely sincere? But at the end Allah knows best and we should not get through the tricks of shaitan try to distance us from Allah.
I've been crying every day for the past few days. My heart feels so heavy, and all I want sometimes is to hug my mama one more time. But she's no longer in this world But I can tell you Allah loves me sm that I want to meet Him quickly but I don't think I have enough deeds I really hope Allah makes us do things which are never ending charity for us. Ameen
My mama was such a God-fearing woman. Like all of us, she made mistakes, but her love for Allah and her trust in Him never faded.
Let me tell you a little about her.
When I first started university, my mama suddenly became very sick with dengue. At first, it didn't seem too serious to me because we'd seen relatives go through similar illnesses before. I thought it would be something like COVID, where you'd feel unwell for a while and eventually recover.
But within a week, her condition became so bad that she had to be admitted to the hospital.
I still remember being just 17 years old, sitting alone in a hospital room with her at around 1 a.m. My baba was outside, trying to find blood and platelets because her levels had dropped dangerously low.
My uncle had bought me a burger, and I remember being so excited to eat it. I'd taken just one bite, and it was still in my mouth when my mama suddenly started shivering badly. I remember that moment so clearly. The bite was still in my mouth, and she was asking me to cover her with a blanket as quickly as possible.
Later, I took her for an X-ray, and even in the middle of everything she was going through, she was still worrying about me. She kept telling me, "Hafsa, eat your lunch." I went over to check on it, only to find that it was full of ants. Hehe.
Looking back, I realise how much I took for granted back then.
At that stage of my life, I was so caught up in this world. I wasn't the person I wish I had been, and I made mistakes that I deeply regret. But Allah is so forgiving, and I pray that He continues to guide me and brings me closer to Him.
I remember that even when my mama was still in the general ward, she had started talking to me about death. She would say things like, "Hafsa, we all have to leave this world one day. You have to take care of everyone."
She had lost her own father just two years earlier. He was one of the most honest people I've ever known. He wouldn't even tell the smallest lie. My mama missed him so much, and she would often dream about him and meeting him again.
A few days before she fell ill, she had a dream about my grandpa. She told us, so proudly and happily, that she had seen him wearing white clothes, alongside many other people who were also dressed in white.
Around that same time, I noticed that she had started repenting to Allah more and more. She even stopped doing certain things she used to enjoy. For example, we would sometimes insist that she watch movies with us, but she would refuse and tell us not to watch them either.
She was always trying to bring us closer to Allah.
I remember getting annoyed when she would say, "Hafsa, please try to get closer to Allah. I'm really worried about you. I feel like you don't pray properly."
And I would respond, "Who are you to know what my connection with Allah is like?"
But deep down, I knew there was some truth in what she was saying.
My mama has been gone for two years now, and honestly, I still don't have the words to describe the kind of person she was. She was a gem.
One of the last things she repeatedly told me was, "Hafsa, don't be rude to anyone. Don't hurt people."
She used to write in her diary whenever she missed her baba. I would ask her what she was writing and insist that she show me, but she would always say, "No. You can read it once I'm gone."
And here I am, two years later, finally reading the words she left behind.
I want to share some parts of her diary with you all. I truly believe there are lessons in her words that we can all benefit from. And if even one person reads them and tries to act upon them, I pray that Allah accepts it as a source of ongoing reward for my mama.
The following paragraphs were written on different days and at different times. I've translated them from the original language as faithfully as I could.
My dear children,
Life is very short. Only Allah knows when hands will let go and companionship will come to an end. I was not able to raise you exactly as I should have, but I pray to Allah that you become the kind of people He wants you to be.
My children, life is uncertain and fleeting. Do not become so attached to this world that when the time comes to leave it, your heart is unwilling to go. Strive at least to make your prayers (Salah) sincere and accepted, and strengthen your relationship with Allah.
We all have to return to Allah. Therefore, when someone passes away, we should not lose ourselves in grief. InshaAllah, we will all meet again in Paradise, in the best of conditions and the most beautiful surroundings.
Just remember one thing: after a person dies, they do not need the tears of those left behind. What truly benefits them are the gifts of good deeds, prayers, and acts of charity done on their behalf.
Today, I saw my dear father in a dream.
Allah granted me a very beautiful meeting with him. May Allah raise the ranks of my beloved father and grant him a place better than mine, under the shade of fruit-bearing trees, beside cool and sweet waters, among rivers of honey, and in Jannat-ul-Firdous.
My dear children, life has taught me many lessons, and losing my father has taught me this too: leave this world in such a noble way that even the people who knew you weep at your departure.
Leave this world without carrying the burden of having hurt others in your heart. Strive to ensure that no one remains upset with you and that the hearts of those you leave behind are at peace with you.
We are sinful servants, and our deeds are weak. Perhaps Allah may forgive us because of our kindness towards others and our حسنِ سلوک (good character).
My dear children, my pieces of heart,
Life is like a whiteboard on which something written with a permanent marker cannot be erased. Every action of ours is being written down.
The rights of Allah can be forgiven through repentance, but what about the rights of people (huqooq-ul-ibaad)? What about those whose hearts we have broken? How will we make things right with them?
Even when a broken heart heals, a crack may remain. A mark is left behind.
So, my children, try your best to ensure that your actions never become the reason for someone's pain or a broken heart.
My dear children, my pieces of heart,
Life is very short, and instead of spending it in gratitude for Allah's blessings, we often waste it complaining about what we don't have.
We cannot truly count or repay the blessings Allah has given us. At some point during the day or night, we should reflect on how our day went, what Allah blessed us with, and what blessings we were able to enjoy.
Remember what you have been given, and forget what you have not received.
My dear children,
Our problem is that we cry over things that are, in the bigger picture, not worth so much of our sorrow. Instead, we should remind ourselves of what we already have.
Every wish of ours that was meant to be fulfilled, Allah fulfilled. And what was not fulfilled must have had a wisdom behind it, even if we could not understand it at the time.
My children, today's lesson in this diary is gratitude.
We should not focus on patience alone, but also on gratitude. We practise patience when our attention is on what we lack. Instead, we should shift our focus away from what we don't have and towards the blessings we already enjoy.
May Allah grant all of us the ability to act upon these lessons. Ameen.
That was a little introduction to my mama and some of the beautiful words she left behind.
I miss her more than words can explain, and there are days when all I want is to sit beside her and tell her everything that's going on in my life.
But I remind myself that Allah is the Most Merciful, and I pray that He reunites us in Jannat-ul-Firdous, where there will be no more goodbyes.
May Allah forgive our shortcomings, purify our intentions, guide our hearts, and help us become people who are loved for their kindness and remembered for the good they leave behind.
And may Allah grant my mama the highest ranks in Jannah.
I pray that we all keep finding our way back to Him, no matter how far we may have wandered.
Ameen.