Advice 4 my friend whose boyfriend beat her

[AnonymousPoster]

I have been worried about a friend whom I love as my own sister. She used to be pious before but upon return from UK from her study, she changed gradually and now no longer wearing hijab. She has a boyfriend who beat her whenever they have big arguement. I didn't know about it until recently when she confided to me. But she love him too much and kept forgiving him each time and it has been going on for years. She knew him since school and at that time he used to be a pious person but not anymore since his first marriage. Her parents disapprove because the guy divorced his wife to be her boyfriend. I've advised her to think rationaly but so far I'm getting nowhere. I am worried about her imaan.
Can anyone offer me good advise for her?

 

[Bint Haneef]

Wa'alaikumussalaam

I think one thing she should first understand is that she can't remain her 'girl friend' for long. What I mean is that it is not even permissible, if the guy is interested, they should make it an official one and then decide when the marriage should take place. She can't live for long like this, she runs the risk of falling into Zinaah.

Now for the issue of beating, I think this is far too serious, if the guy (a non-mahram) is not supposed to touch her, what about beating her now? I don't want to appear skeptical but if he is beating her now even before they marry, I fear he will nor hesitate (not even change) to raise his hands again later on if they manage to get married. Such relationship unfortunately does not last long. This will build up frustration on her side. She can love her but it has limits when it comes to a person's dignity. I really cannot understand why she stays with him.

You should try using wise words to advise her and show her some arguments to 'shake her bases' and push her to react and ponder. Really what will happen afterwards then if they get married? Is it what she really dreams as a married life?

 

[qassy!]

I have been worried about a friend whom I love as my own sister. She used to be pious before but upon return from UK from her study, she changed gradually and now no longer wearing hijab. She has a boyfriend who beat her whenever they have big arguement. I didn't know about it until recently when she confided to me. But she love him too much and kept forgiving him each time and it has been going on for years. She knew him since school and at that time he used to be a pious person but not anymore since his first marriage. Her parents disapprove because the guy divorced his wife to be her boyfriend. I've advised her to think rationaly but so far I'm getting nowhere. I am worried about her imaan.
Can anyone offer me good advise for her?

Im very sorry to here that
You need to get your friend to leave him. Contact the police. That's unacceptable, I have had alot of stories like this specially when girls dad find out there going out with boys.

Beating someone up is not good.

Ask her why is she suffering? How can she love someone who beat her up?

 

[Grace Seeker]

Sorry to say this, but the best advice I can give your friend, with respect to this boy, can be summarized in one word: RUN!!

Girlfriend beaters become wife beaters and often child beaters as well. Without some type of intervention or professional help, they will continue this until one of a few things happens:

• they guy kills the girl
• the girl gets smarts and she leaves
• the girl gets fed up and kills the guy
• the guy gets tired of her and moves on to beat someone else

None of those options sound like a happy ending for your friend. If she says she loves him, then I worry for her own state of mind, for no one who is properly caring for themselves in the way that God intended us to would subject themselves to that.

 

[tigersabre]

I have been worried about a friend whom I love as my own sister. She used to be pious before but upon return from UK from her study, she changed gradually and now no longer wearing hijab. She has a boyfriend who beat her whenever they have big arguement. I didn't know about it until recently when she confided to me. But she love him too much and kept forgiving him each time and it has been going on for years. She knew him since school and at that time he used to be a pious person but not anymore since his first marriage. Her parents disapprove because the guy divorced his wife to be her boyfriend. I've advised her to think rationaly but so far I'm getting nowhere. I am worried about her imaan.
Can anyone offer me good advise for her?

There's really no advice you can offer her - she's basically got battered wife syndrome without being battered. Right now, the emotional benefit of the relationship is overriding the pain, so she's willing to ride it out.

You should make du'aa for her, and explain to her what she's doing is wrong, very wrong, breaking a marriage and dating a guy. If she doesn't take it, then my advice to you is that your job is convey, not convince - the rest is up to Allah subhaana wa ta'aala.

 

[Grace Seeker]

^^ -- You really give good advice. I wish I could reward you with reputation points again, but alas the system won't let me do it again so soon.

 

[sevgi]

what could she possibly be gaining out of a relationship with a man who beats her???

relationships should be built in order for us to share one another-as a whole- and benefit from eachother.

Allah doesnt randomly throw ppl into our lives...we must derive meaning from them..and if the meaning we derive is useless, bad for us, or sheer stupid as ur frends, we should let that person go...

not hang on until our imaan is almost diminished.

w/s.

 

[Woodrow]

You may want to tell her that a man will nearly always treat his wife the same way he treated any ex-wife or if never married how he treats his mother. She will be treated the same way he treated the wife he divorced to be her boyfriend.

She will not believe that, but that is about as close to an absolute statement as can be said.

Let her know that and tell her to read the history of wife beaters. they do follow very set patterns and change is nearly impossible. Her future with that guy has already been mentioned in previous posts above.

 

[ashley66]

Jazakallah for your good advices. I'll convey this to her and also get her to read this thread. May Allah make her realise all this before its too late.
I make du'a as often as I remember for Allah to give her taufeek and hidayah to be able to see thru her blind love and to correct herself and stop the haraam part of her lifestyle.
.

 

[Bittersteel]

is your friend and her bf Muslims?where are they from?

 

[ashley66]

Both were born muslim. Malaysia. She came from a loving family contrary to him who came from a violent and broken family.

 

[------]

:salamext:

He's not worth it. How does he love her, and expect her to stay with him, if he abuses her?! :-\

 

[tigersabre]

^^ -- You really give good advice. I wish I could reward you with reputation points again, but alas the system won't let me do it again so soon.

Hey Grace Seeker,

Thanks for your kind words, I'm not sure how the rep system works and so forth.

I try to read a lot of other people's experiences from books, articles, studies, and the news, and I try to put it in context with my own experiences as well, to the best of my abilities, and then share what I know =D