Advice Need:Co-Wife

[Muezzin]

As salam(u) alaikum,

Im at the age that its essential that I get married. I want to marry.It's so hard to find someone.
My sister in Islam Aisha...is my bestest friend in the whole world..shes family to me.She thinks same as me.Well I've been wanting to ask her if her husband would be interested in a 2nd wife.I'm not sure if he find me attractive or not..hes only seen me once when he dropped her off at my house one time.Me and Aisha have talked about co-wives in general..we both are not opposed to it in general. I think her husband is very attractive,..he seem nice...and she is always happy..so he must treat her well...but I don't know how to go about asking? Should I ask her to ask him...or speak to them both in same room.

However you go about it, it will be... awkward. I think the reason for this is because this marriage appears to be a means of staying close to your best friend (which is lovely), rather than because you share love for her husband. With respect... where does that leave him?

 

[al yunan]

Male or not though, don't think it's anyone's business to "forbid" her from it. Understandable that a woman would naturally feel it undesirable to share her man, I mean the Prophet's wives(pbut) did become jelous of each other, naturally.

What made you think I objected, I'm all for it

 

[Salahudeen]

As salam(u) alaikum,

I'd like to further discuss why I'm thinking about this...First of all, my best friend and I are very close..I feel like she is my blood family..her and her children I love..and I don't ..mean in a homosexual way...I would take a bullet for her and her children anyday. Her family brings the best joy into my life. I couldn't be jealous of her in any way regardless.even in that situation. I highly respect her. She is of character, a good and knowledgeable Muslim,...I'm not lusting for her husband. I've only seen him once while he dropped her off at my house...I want this because I share bond that goes beyond friendship..but family..and id like to offically be a part of it...i don't know much about him..only that he is friendly and greets me Islamically over the phone when she isnt home and i leave a msg...she is a revert to Islam...for 8 years now I think. Very wise...She must have learned alot from him...hes intelligent from which she tells me he knows all about computers and phones electronics. Qualities I admire..They have a happy home...With the strong feelings i have I thought I could make it even happier

Sister, I think the way to go about this is, to ask her how she would react if her husband said he wanted to take a 2nd wife, ask her how she'd feel and if she'd be happy about it or upset. Just generally ask her. Don't give her any ideas that you're interested untill you know how she'd feel about it.

 

[جوري]

where does that leave him?

death of sardanapalus comes to mind!

 

[piXie]

A man has one heart

Havent you heard that saying 'A man may have one heart but it has 4 chambers'

 

[CosmicPathos]

Havent you heard that saying 'A man may have one heart but it has 4 chambers'

yea, and oblique and transverse sinuses too, for wives to put their icy fingers into!

 

[wildkat]

You want to marry your BEST FRIEND'S husband?!
Why dont you ask her to ask her husband if he knows any good brothers?

 

[AishaRayann]

It's not just about being closer to her..i want to be close to him..because he is very attractive, Egyptian which is my favorite of all nationalities,hes intelligent,hes good to his children..those are great qualities..i want to know more. I already asked her how she would feel if her husband wanted a co-wife...she said she was open minded to it and it wouldnt be a problem.I think that I can add to his happiness and add goodness to the home in general. I've been making dua late at night..but haven't received an answer yet. but i'll keep trying.

 

[YusufNoor]

As salam(u) alaikum,

I'd like to further discuss why I'm thinking about this...First of all, my best friend and I are very close..I feel like she is my blood family..her and her children I love..and I don't ..mean in a homosexual way...I would take a bullet for her and her children anyday. Her family brings the best joy into my life. I couldn't be jealous of her in any way regardless.even in that situation. I highly respect her. She is of character, a good and knowledgeable Muslim,...I'm not lusting for her husband. I've only seen him once while he dropped her off at my house...I want this because I share bond that goes beyond friendship..but family..and id like to offically be a part of it...i don't know much about him..only that he is friendly and greets me Islamically over the phone when she isnt home and i leave a msg...she is a revert to Islam...for 8 years now I think. Very wise...She must have learned alot from him...hes intelligent from which she tells me he knows all about computers and phones electronics. Qualities I admire..They have a happy home...With the strong feelings i have I thought I could make it even happier

May Allah grant you the best of situations in the dunya and the Akhira.

go easy on your sister. why not "put her in charge" of finding you a husband? maybe joke that if she fails then she'll have to share hers. sound her out before asking seriously, she might feel hurt. if she has a good understanding of the Din, she should be OK - just be easy on her. you don't want her to end up thinking that you only want her as a friend so you can get her man. even if you both know that is not true, it might be her first and most painful reaction.

wa Salaam

 

[Cabdullahi]

As salam(u) alaikum,
she tells me he knows all about computers and phones electronics. Qualities I admire.

I would like to take this opportunity to address all those aliens out there that im a brother who is good with computers and electronics

 

[Ali Mujahidin]

Speaking as a person who had been there and done that with regards to polygamy, I can say with dead certainty that polygamy is not at all what anyone, who had never experienced it, thinks it is. For example:

1. Some men may think that they can treat their multiple wives justly but I can tell you from hard experience that treating multiple wives with justice is as easy as, say, trying to keep your balance with your feet on two different pieces of ice floes.

2. Some women may think that they can accept polygamy. At least that's what they think before they get a co-wife. After they get a co-wife, they will discover emotions in themselves which they never thought they had. No prize for guessing what those emotions might be.

So, the best thing I can suggest is to ask your best friend to ask her husband to help look for a husband for you. And when she asks what kind of husband you would like, say someone like her husband. Make sure to add emphatically you would like to marry someone like her husband but not her husband. Then beg Allah for guidance. Maybe you can try this dua from surah Al-Qasas, verse 24. It is said to be very effective when used to look for a wife. I imagine it would work equally well when used to look for a husband.

One other thing, from what you have said, you have a great friend. Husbands are a dime a dozen but good friends like that can only be found once in a lifetime. WaLLahu aklam.

 

[Zafran]

I would like to take this opportunity to address all those aliens out there that im a brother who is good with computers and electronics

salaam

By computers and electronics she doesnt just mean the playstation.

On a serious note I think you need to talk to his wife first.

peace

 

[Muslim Woman]

Salaam


there are so many unmarried / divorced persons around ; but still it's so hard to find partner for marriage .


sis , as already advised , do Istekhara salat first . Also , u must not talk to him or any other non -muharim in private .

 

[Dagless]

My sister in Islam Aisha...is my bestest friend in the whole world..shes family to me.She thinks same as me.

Her name is Aisha and your online name is Aisha? Anyone else getting hints of "Single White Female" here? If you have the same hairstyle as her I think we might be too late.

Anyway, I agree with everyone else; ask your friend generally first. That's only if you are sure there is no way you can find someone else you like.

Btw this is one of the best topics ever.

 

[AishaRayann]

I would like to take this opportunity to address all those aliens out there that im a brother who is good with computers and electronics

on a funny note: do you mean outer space aliens or illegal aliens?


I think I'm going to make dua on it for a while. Think it over for a few months...and see if i still feel the same way. I dont want to jump the gun on a big decision like that.Then, if I still feel the same way..I will ask her if dua goes well. Thank you to everyone who replied.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

on a funny note: do you mean outer space aliens or illegal aliens?


I think I'm going to make dua on it for a while. Think it over for a few months...and see if i still feel the same way. I dont want to jump the gun on a big decision like that.Then, if I still feel the same way..I will ask her if dua goes well. Thank you to everyone who replied.

Asalaamu Alaikum, Jazakallahu khayr for having the bravery to be upfront about this matter as it is not easy.

Firstly my sister it may be that you want what your friend has. You see the kind of life she is living with her husband and you wished you had the same. But i think you may be a bit naive about this matter. Although your friend may have mentioned she is open minded when it comes to her husband having a possible co-wife it doesnt necesserily mean she would like the idea in reality. Especially if you were to suggest such a thing then it may come as a shock to her and may even ruin your friendship with her. Women can be very jealous creatures and it would not be easy for your friend to accept such a thing in reality. It may also be that you are reading the signs wrong.

Instead of "taking out a few months to think over this matter" i think you should continue your search for a pious man and ask of Allah to do what is best for you with regards to finding you a good pious man. Do not think about this too much because that way you may get distorted thoughts about it and start having scenarious in your head of your life together with your friend and the husband and the children. Although this may be a perfect scenario in your mind it certainly is not reality.

I think you should just concentrate on looking for a partner and ask your friend to also help you and tell her to ask her husband to look out for any potentials. You should never pin your hopes on ths or think about this at all but know that as long as you make the necessery effort in looking for a partner using all of the permissable means and put your full reliance, hopes and faith in Allah then no doubt he will do what is best for you.

And Allah knows best in all matters

 

[nature]

The married sis mite have sed shes open to the idea, but when it actually happens then its a whole different story. The emotions that the first wife has to go thru takes a lot of sabr, and even though you may think your going to be a great addition to the family, the hurt that this sis will be feeling esp in the beginning, it takes a lot of time to get over, and eventually accept. Put yourself in this sister's shoes, how would you feel if you were all loved up 2.4 kids and then another woman tries to muscle in ?? and its your best friend at that ? I think your just craving for something similar to this sisters's life maybe ?


Btw i have nothing against polygamy, i even considered it myself, (& have 2 aunties in polygmaous marriages,) I like you thort it would be relatively easy to do, but after hearing some of the stories from 1st wifes, & thinking how i would personally handle it, i really didnt have it in me to cause pain to another sister. I get its sunnah and power to those that can deal with it, but i personally couldnt do it, and i think those that think its an easy practice, really its not as simple or straightforward as that. Im not married but if i was all loved up and my best friend had eyes on my man, then i would be extremely hurt, yeh im open to polygamy as well but if it came to the crunch i dont think i wud bear it well.


What do your own family think ? Theres plenty of men out there, what about talking to your friend and getting her husband to *look * for someone ?

if your still serious about this then i suggest you talk to other sisters in polygamous marriages and do so deep soul searching...as to what you really want from marriage, would you be happy sharing your husband ? what if the guy wants to take a third wife, will you be able to handle it ? also these kids that they already have together just cos they have love for you now, doesnt mean they'll love you once their dad takes you as a 2nd wife. Depending on the ages, its gona take a lot of time and they'll prob even reject you ? & why does it have to be your best friends husband ?

I'm not trying to be negative sis, i just think you really need to think about this carefully, it takes a lot of courage and sabr from all parties involved.

Just dont give up hope on finding someone single & make plenty of dua.



:wa:

 

[Cabdullahi]

on a funny note: do you mean outer space aliens or illegal aliens?


.

You know aliens love brothers who are well versed with electronics and computers and brothers love aliens who can take good care of them, living in harmony inside the spaceship,fixing electronics and cooking delicious alien food

 

[Abu Zainab]

I would like to take this opportunity to address all those aliens out there that im a brother who is good with computers and electronics

ROTFL...Man you are awesome

May Allaah grant you a wife who would be a coolness for your eyes (and who doesn't care if you are good in computers or electronics or playstation lol)

 

[Ansariyah]

I'm pretty speechless. I would never ever go after my best friends husband. Thats just not right. No matter how good looking, or how happy their household is.

If you really love your friend as much as u claim, u should let her be happy. If she comes to you inviting you to marry her husband thats a different story. Otherwise, look elsewhere.