Am I an abuser :( I can't forgive myself.

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Nobody's Girl

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I've recently moved to anothet country. It's been almost six months since I came. I have a history of some unpleasant experiences. When I was younger I could deal with it much better than I do now. I have been deeply hurt in the past ( I honestly don't want make excuses) but it left me really empty and apathetic. I am becoming the same person who was oppresive towards me. I just blow up even to people I dearly dearly love. Every single little thing ticks me off I feel so angry I will explode for the silliest reasons. Yesterday, was a great example of that, I went out with her to have some quality time. And I ruined everything. I was very mean, rude, and indefensible, I don't know why either because she is my best friend, maybe I got too comfortable or I am taking her for granted. She says she forgives me(bless her) but I don't know. I am always like this I have this strong feeling of distrust to people. I feel so empty and angry because I remember everything that is negative. My relationship with my sister is strained and I don't think it will ever come back as it used to. I am afraid that I have become another version of my abuser.

So, please tell me:
-How I can stop blaming innocent people for all the negative things that's happened to me?
-How I can control my anger and stop hurting people?
-How to be more honest and genuine with myself?

Thank you I am earnestly waiting for any guidance or help on this issue.
 
Sometimes if you can't handle it, it feels good to share your experiences with a select few and that can really ease off your troubles
 
Thank you Zeal. I don't know of anyone around me who is interested in helping me. I am on the border of losing my mind. ....this is really sad :(
 
Nobody's Girl said:
Thank you Zeal. I don't know of anyone around me who is interested in helping me. I am on the border of losing my mind. ....this is really sad :(
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You'd be surprised at how many people actually would want to help you and only if it is by just lending an ear to hear you out. Just pick someone you've known for a decent amount of time and feel you get along with.. If you really want you can even tell us here and we'd all be glad to help!

You said earlier on my thread that you feel like you don't know much about loving the dunyah, could this be the reason why?

Also, I just want to tell you that your abuse doesn't define who you are and don't let it. You're still here a practising striving muslimah doing her all to please Allah Swt and I respect you for that
 
A'salamu alaykum
@Nobody's Girl - I read something interesting once and it said "your first thought/reaction is how you have been conditioned to think or how to react to a certain situation, and what you think next (your second thought or reaction) is what defines who you truly are"

The best advice I can give you is to take a pause before saying/reacting to something. When you talk to someone, pause before responding. If you are having a conversation, don't say everything that comes to mind, pause for a few seconds after they have made their statement and then respond. This way, your words and actions aren't impulsive. Do the same when you are reacting to a situation, if you feel anger, just remember that you don't have to react and comment on everything. It is okay to stay silent, even if the other person can think wrong. It is a jihad against your nafs.

And practice this beautiful Sunnah "He who believes in Allah and the Last Day must either speak good or remain silent."

Also, ask for forgiveness from everyone you harm with your tongue, even if it is done immediately after you say something, or after a week, just do it as soon as you realise, in sha Allah.

And no, you are not an abuser, beloved sister. Alhamdulilah, you have already taken the most important step and that is making a good intention. We all fight against our nafs. And all of Bani Adam are sinners. Just be patient, and always Fear Allah.
 
Dear Zeal, ____,

Thank you so much. Thank you so much :D. I didn't expect to get such kind replies. I really appreciate it. You are right, I should definately close my mouth sometimes. I should also do my best to control my anger. I honestly don't want to vent out my pent up anger on innocent people.

Brother/Sister Zeal. About the Dunya thing. Well, I hope it wouldn't surprise you if I told you that for a long time I locked up myself at home for almost 7 years- since I was 15 till 20- I would basically go from university back home using 1 route way. So when I turned 20 I had a psychotic break down and my family started to pity me so they would take me out every night so I can "see the world". Believe me I was an introverted recluse and I didn't even know what my country looked like. I just recently moved to Senegal and the last time I rode an airplane was almost 10 years ago. So yeah :/.... that is what I meant by not knowing much of dunya. Thank you for caring enough to ask.

Sister/brother Snow(?)

I just wanted to let you know that I recieved your message but couldn't reply because I'm still a pretty new member. Thank you so much. Really, thank you so much. Your kind words, your genuine interest. I really thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you all very very much. I can't express how grateful I am.
 
Oh and by "her", I meant my sister. Sorry for not making much sense. I am beginning to doubt my ability to write coherent sentences.
 
Thank you. I *love* Khan Academy. I used it in the past. But I think it was a typo...sorry I feel really embarassed.
 
Sister_lion. If you're reading this please reply. I love you, you are so wise and you might not know it but you've helped me before and your advice really worked.

Sorry to bother you but I consider you as my sister. So please if you have any sage words of feminine advice. Don't hold back. I will be waiting most earnestly.
 
Nobody's Girl said:
I've recently moved to anothet country. It's been almost six months since I came. I have a history of some unpleasant experiences. When I was younger I could deal with it much better than I do now. I have been deeply hurt in the past ( I honestly don't want make excuses) but it left me really empty and apathetic. I am becoming the same person who was oppresive towards me. I just blow up even to people I dearly dearly love. Every single little thing ticks me off I feel so angry I will explode for the silliest reasons. Yesterday, was a great example of that, I went out with her to have some quality time. And I ruined everything. I was very mean, rude, and indefensible, I don't know why either because she is my best friend, maybe I got too comfortable or I am taking her for granted. She says she forgives me(bless her) but I don't know. I am always like this I have this strong feeling of distrust to people. I feel so empty and angry because I remember everything that is negative. My relationship with my sister is strained and I don't think it will ever come back as it used to. I am afraid that I have become another version of my abuser.

So, please tell me:
-How I can stop blaming innocent people for all the negative things that's happened to me?
-How I can control my anger and stop hurting people?
-How to be more honest and genuine with myself?

Thank you I am earnestly waiting for any guidance or help on this issue.
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You've already taken the first step by actually observing this negativity overwhelming you. You would be I'm trouble if you were oblivious to it. Your anger seems to permeate your very existence. I bet you go to sleep angry and wake angry? Even if you do, it's okay. All things are reciprocal. Your anger is towards yourself due to your actions or the lack there of in the past. You dwelling on the things bringing them back to the surface while being emotionally dead to these actions or lack there of is the cause of your outward anger towards the innocent and unaware. Isolate these negative memories or regrets. Contemplate them slowly and methodically. Your mind will have the propensity to instinctively skip right over the first and truthful conclusions when engaged in introspection. Do not allow this. Remove bias, want, and pride with conscious effort while thinking of these past happenings. Seek out your motives for these actions or chaos. Do not blindly justify them. Contemplate them. Find your errors and acknowledge them consciously. Once you have come to grips with your actual past motives you can repent from them. This will help with the anger some, but peace is a process. Recall the mercy of GOD at all times. You live. It is a gift. Treat it as such. We must not dwell on the past, not changing from it. This is chaos and will cause much pain. Learn of your mistakes that you might learn from them. Attempt to keep the precepts of our GOD close in mind; namely mercy, lovingkindness and long suffering for the sake of HIS creation.

Peace with sincerity.
 
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Greetings and peace be with you Nobody's Girl; I am so sorry to hear about your struggles in life,

So, please tell me:
-How I can stop blaming innocent people for all the negative things that's happened to me?
-How I can control my anger and stop hurting people?
-How to be more honest and genuine with myself?
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So much injustice goes unpunished in this world, we have no power to put things right, and this makes us angry.

The person who angers you, controls you, they could be your neighbour, or they could even live a thousand miles away. They have a remote control that pushes your buttons; and makes you do things you do not really want to do.

Anger is like picking up a burning coal, with the intention of throwing it at the person who anger us, and the person who gets burned the most is me. The longer we hold onto this burning coal of anger, the hotter it becomes, and we rarely get the chance to throw it at the person who angers us. Anger has to go somewhere, so in the absence of the abuser, we do to our friends, what we would want to do to the abuser.

The only way to find peace, is to forgive your abuser, let go of the pain, if you can forgive your abuser, then you will not feel the need to punish your friends in his absence. Once you learn to let go, you will also come to terms with forgiving yourself.

From now on, whenever think about your abuser, say this prayer for him, and say it often, keep his name in mind……

Now may the peace of the Lord be with you,
May the Lord bless you
May the Lord keep you
And may God's face shine upon you always
And give you peace.
​

You can never forget what happened to you, but in time you can learn to forget the hate and anger you hold against this person. We can carry these memories for life, they can become less of a burden, the more we are able to forgive and let go, this will also bring you closer to Allah.

In the spirit of praying for a peace that transcends all understanding.

Eric
 
:salam:

-How I can stop blaming innocent people for all the negative things that's happened to me?
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You have to realize that they have not done anything to you for you to take it out on them. When you get in that mood, ask yourself what have they done to deserve this? Are they the ones you should be getting mad at? This is something you will have to consciously think about while in that moment. Is it right for you to be mean to them like that?

-How I can control my anger and stop hurting people?
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The Prophet(:saws:) said if you are angry then sit down, if that doesn't help then lie down. And also wudu before engaging with others, wudu puts out anger as water puts out fire.

Also, you should spend more time on self reflection to find out what is it that is making you so angry and then see how you can treat those causes. A good thing to do is start writing about it. After each incident, write it down. Something like this:

What happened?
Why did I act the way I did?
Was the person at fault against whom I acted that way?
Was it right in what I did?
What should I have done?
What can I do now to make up to that person?

If you keep writing answers to these questions, next time you get angry then these questions will come to your mind and inshallah you'll be able to control it knowing the consequences of it.

-How to be more honest and genuine with myself?
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Again, start writing. But this time talk to yourself. Write to yourself about everything. What you feel, what you like, dislike, what you want to do, where do you see yourself, where do you want to see yourself, what can you do about it, are you being honest with yourself, etc. The more you put your thoughts on paper, the more you will be able to reason with yourself and better you will be able to self-analyze and critique and self-motivate yourself on what you need to do.
 

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