Am I commiting kufr by losing hope?

[Studentofdeed]

I have very extensive and painful depression. There some episodes when I dont feel like doing anything. I'm trying to be good muslim but at times I lose hope in the mercy of allah. I'm so angry and sad and sick of everything. I know everyone says that it's a test or your duas are never rejected. But I swear I feel like I'm being tortured and will collapse any moment. I feel like my life wont get better. I always expect the worst. I'm having health issues and constantly fatigued. My health has gotten very bad but now is alhamdullah better and I was able to be patient but I still get frustrated from how much life has gotten harder for me as opposed to when I was healthy.

I was isolated too long and it drove me insane. I was so friend starved and lonely that I would try to make friends and be nice to everyone. Majority people used me and made fun of me. Most of them were nonmuslim but even so when i think about it, I cry often. I forgave them of course but I still cry about it. I just wish allah would take my life rather than dragging this pain out. I'm so confused with everything. I'm trying so hard to be chaste when nonmuslim girls give me attention yet my hope of get married doesnt even seem possible as No muslim girl wants to marry me. Its literally torture and I know I wont fall into haram thanks to Allah alhamdullah but even so I'm sick of it. I wont kill myself either as I'm trying to please allah. I love the prophet and his compains and allah. But at times I get so angry at Allah. Asterfollah. I am great ful for his blessings but even so I complain to Allah why he wont give me children or let me get married. Am i commiting kufr because I'm complaining about this to Allah and being ungrateful because I have been blessed with many things that most people don't have?

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I apologize for complaining...I'm just trying to make sense of everything. Its driving me insane

 

[taha_]

Salaam brother,

You don't have to be angry in most of your time. Anger is from Shaytaan, and you must calm down as possible as much you can. Recite this dua "I seek refuge in Allah from Satan the outcast" when you feel angry. Remember that even our beloved Prophet Muhammad(PBUH) used to suffer so much in his life, yet he was still thankful to Allah. This worldly life is only test for us. Allah says in Surah e Baraqah 2:155

[h=2]"And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient"[/h]
So be patient, In Sha Allah you will get more rewards. Also about the people who made fun of you, you said that most of them were non muslims. Leave them to be judged by Allah alone, spend your time with your family only and be with them as good company. so that you can feel good and thankful to Allah in sha Allah..

About not getting married and having children. Allah knows best what is harmful and what is good. He is the knower of the unseen, so you gotta be patient, and focus on your duties commanded by Allah, follow sunnah of our beloved Prophet Muhammad (PBUH). Love Allah more than His whole creation. And you will feel happy and thankful to Him for what He gave you.

I really don't have anything to say now, but I hope this helps you, In Sha Allah


JazakAllah!

 

[The Prince]

1 thing at a time.

Tell us about your health problems.

 

[Studentofdeed]

I'm feeling bit better. Yesterday I was so frustrated and angry. I have heart failure, and had 2 open heart surgeries. I'm much better and stabilized but this gives me weakness and I want to be in med school but I'm scared as it may be hard with my health issues. I feel fatigued and since I was isolated for so long because of my illness, I became introverted and now I am more of a recluse.

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Jazakallah khayran brother. May allah bless you with the best in both worlds

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I developed these health problems suddenly and also as result of malpractice and intentional coverup. I forgave the doctor but even so I still have to deal with these for the rest of life. I'm trying to sue the hospital and the doctor but it's taking time

 

[Studentofdeed]

I apologize again...completely disregard everything unsaid and keep me in your duas

 

[Desert]

As salamu alaikum

Just hang in their brother

Never lose hope in the mercy of Allaah...
Allaah is your Malik and knows of your illness


All tests come from Allah just try not to commit shirk and please Allah...

Your excused for what you can't do...

Just hold up your hands in duaa and trust Allaah

Accept the divine decree and just find comfort in reading the meaning of the Quran...