Appreciating husband

[anonymous]

Always appreciate your husband even on the smallest thing

http://www.islamicboard.com/family-...reciate-your-husband-even-smallest-thing.html

When your husband has telephoned from work saying ten of his friends are coming round for dinner, and then you spend all day slaving away cooking, and then when they come, they sit and eat and laugh and have fun, while you have to sit outside in the cold and dark (as you only have one room), always appreciate that.

When you have to cry yourself to sleep because you only have one cardigan with a hole in it, and you have no coat with which to keep warm in the cold winter when you go out, always appreciate that.

When you are away from home, and your husband will only buy the cheapest food that costs 2 riyal because he does not want to spend more money, and he buys the same thing twice a day, every day, enough only for one person, and twice a day, every day, you have to wait til he has eaten what he wants, and you have to eat the left overs, always appreciate that.

And if you so much as comment as, "That shop sells nice food I have seen people buying from there", and he says to you, "Have you come here only to eat?", always appreciate that.

When you mention that you're not feeling well, and your husband changes the subject and starts talking about the price of something in the shop, as though he hasn't heard you, always appreciate that.

When somebody says something untrue about you, outside, and your husband, instead of defending you, comes home and says, "So and so said the truth when they said this about you", always appreciate that.

When he explodes at you, always appreciate that.

Just to be fair ;D

Always appreciate and be grateful with your hubby so that you can live a happier life.

Remember the hadith saying that most women who are in hell is because they are not grateful with their hubbies. (maybe someone can help me with the hadith)

appreciating him meaning fueling his love to you....and in the end, he'll treat you like queen and love you more (insha Allah)

The above is only true for any normal man. Some men, no matter how much you try to please them, even if you dedicate your life to serving and obeying them, and appreciating them, will be as hard as stone.

 

[Tilmeez]

I pray its not true! imsad

And if by anychance it is I pray for that sister who is undergoing this and I'm sure Allah SWT will reward her the best.

 

[anonymous]

I forgot to add to that, when your husband does his wudu, and puts water in his nose and expels it out so loudly and forcefully that it leaves green/yellow bits of mucus/bogey in and on the rim of the wash basin, and if you ask him to try to be slightly quiter and gentler, he gets awkward, and if you ask him that when he sees that bits have come out of his nose when he's doing wudhu, can he clean them, he says to you, "What's wrong if you clean it?", always appreciate that.

I pray its not true!

And if by anychance it is I pray for that sister who is undergoing this and I'm sure Allah SWT will reward her the best.

Some of this happened years ago (the first two paragraphs), some still happens.

This is (only some of) the story of my mum's life, though the way my dad acts affects all of us.

Jazakallah khair for your dua brother. May Allah reward you, ameen.

 

[ardianto]

Asslamualaikum.

Sis, that's happened to you, or to your mother?. If that's happened to your mother, have you married or still unmarried?.

 

[anonymous]

Asslamualaikum.

Sis, that's happened to you, or to your mother?. If that's happened to your mother, have you married or still unmarried?.

Wa alaykum assalaam.

That happened and is happening to my mother, though it's similar with all of us, though me and my sister (their only children) are starting to speak up where necessary.

We are unmarried, I'm nearly 40, and my sister is nearly 45.

My dad cannot discuss marriage without losing his temper, so it's better if we don't discuss it at home. He is old now, we cannot replace him as wali, as that would split our family and cause more explosions of anger, we just have to be patient and make dua I guess.

Sometimes, if somebody tells him of an unsuitable match, he, even though in his heart he knows it's not right, will come home and explode at us in anger so that we might come under his pressure and say yes, and the only reason is because outside the home he is weak, he cannot say "no" to people, so it is easier for him to have us say yes even though he knows the match not right, simply so that he does not have to say "no" to someone outside.

But he always accuses my mother for us not being married. Sometimes me and my sister would go shopping together, and come home and find my mum crying, and it's because when my dad saw that we were not at home, he would check that all the rooms were empty, and there was no one that might stand up for her, he would explode at her in anger, and accuse her that "You never wanted to get our daughters married off, you are an obstacle, you have been deceiving me for the past 25 years, people outside say you never wanted to get them married off and that you are deceiving me, and they are right, etc etc".

After that time, for the past four years, me and my sister do not leave the house together, unless my dad has also gone out, and even then, we hurry so that we are back before he comes home, so that he does not see my mum alone and take the opportunity. So, after that time, when he loses his temper, it's in front of us. Now he is also accusing me and my sister of never wanting to get married, even though this is not true. He accuses my mum of brainwashing us into monacticism/celibacy, even though I so desperately want to be married. And I say to him, very politely, that if you do not calm down and discuss things rationally, how can we ever progress the matter. But he will not admit that his anger is the problem. He seems to harbour hate for us in his heart, and has even stopped talking to us twice in the past few years, for no reason at all, for three months the first time and one month the second time, staying in the same house but not talking to us, and cooking his own food and not touching anything we had cooked, and each time it is us who have practically forced him and physically pushed him into talking to us.

Even though he is religious as far as aqeedah and worship is concerned, he wants to falsely blame my mother for us not being married, rather than accepting that Allah did not will that to happen, or rather in seeing if there is any fault with him.

It's hard to change a lifetime's habit.

 

[Rhubarb Tart]

You need to speak a scholar, take your father with you and tell the scholar everything you have written here. We can’t help you other than to tell you to talk to a scholar. And so what if your family breaks up because you’ve changed your father as wali? Is it not already broken and has been for many years? Sorry to be blunt, but you and your sister are in your 40s, how many more years can you wait?

Do you want your father to continue to be abusive towards your mother during her old age? Or do you want to make a drastic change in your life and your mother’s life? Then you have to take the first step for outside help and that may mean offending your father and his family.

:wa:

 

[Who Am I?]

OK, let me say a few things here. I'm about to rant, I think, and it might not be pretty.

I keep reading and hearing a lot of stuff about how the wife is supposed to please her husband, and all that. But honestly, shouldn't the husband also please his wife? I don't that's really fair if the husband can do whatever he wants and the wife has to shut up and take it, because "it's in this Hadith" etc. That was probably written by men who wanted to control their women.

Maybe this is my Western culture speaking, and maybe it's just my anger over something that I perceive as unfair and unjust. But just because something is a "family tradition" doesn't mean that traditions can't sometimes be wrong. Sometimes you have to buck the sytem, and break the cycle, and let the world know that wrongs will not be tolerated. This is not always a popular choice, but it is sometimes a necessary one.

My understanding of marriage is that is a partnership, and Islamic marriage is no exception to that. The husband and wife are supposed to be as one, and that means that each should do their best to please the other. The moment that the husband fails to fulfill his duties as a husband and fails to provide for and care for his wife, that marriage is over, in my opinion. Society might say that they are still married, but for all practical intents and purposes, that relationship is done, and that union is dissolved.

This marriage was over a long time ago.

TL-DR - Stuff about marriage and how this is unfair

And I said I wasn't going to be the Angry White Guy anymore... ;D

 

['Abd-al Latif]

:salamext:

Make du'aa but tie your camel. Work hard to keep the unity in your family, serve your parents as much as you are able to and try to overlook the bad habits of your parents. In the meantime, work even harder for the marriage of yourself and your sister. Go to Islamic Councils and speak to them, but do not disallow your father the right as a wali until the Islamic Council says so. Be very careful of accepting the advice of people who are not knowledgeable; you know best about your situation and acting up it may potentially aggravate the matter.

Be diligent and swift and don't delay (at least) speaking to the council.

 

[Riana17]

Asalam alaikkum

I am just saddened to hear this, I personally know many husband of this kind and I can only say that it is unfortunate
and whatever we do, it is too late for them to realize and wake up

May ALLAH grant you all sabr

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

http://www.islamicboard.com/family-...reciate-your-husband-even-smallest-thing.html

When your husband has telephoned from work saying ten of his friends are coming round for dinner, and then you spend all day slaving away cooking, and then when they come, they sit and eat and laugh and have fun, while you have to sit outside in the cold and dark (as you only have one room), always appreciate that.

When you have to cry yourself to sleep because you only have one cardigan with a hole in it, and you have no coat with which to keep warm in the cold winter when you go out, always appreciate that.

When you are away from home, and your husband will only buy the cheapest food that costs 2 riyal because he does not want to spend more money, and he buys the same thing twice a day, every day, enough only for one person, and twice a day, every day, you have to wait til he has eaten what he wants, and you have to eat the left overs, always appreciate that.

And if you so much as comment as, "That shop sells nice food I have seen people buying from there", and he says to you, "Have you come here only to eat?", always appreciate that.

When you mention that you're not feeling well, and your husband changes the subject and starts talking about the price of something in the shop, as though he hasn't heard you, always appreciate that.

When somebody says something untrue about you, outside, and your husband, instead of defending you, comes home and says, "So and so said the truth when they said this about you", always appreciate that.

When he explodes at you, always appreciate that.





The above is only true for any normal man. Some men, no matter how much you try to please them, even if you dedicate your life to serving and obeying them, and appreciating them, will be as hard as stone.

My Sister jazakallahu khayr for sharing your issues with us. What we must realise is that no matter he does he is still your father. Our fathers have many rights over us and one of those rights is that despite how they are towards us we must neveer even say "uff" to them, but we must treat them in the best manner possible with honour and the utmost respect. This is the right that Allah has given our parents over us.

Of course you and your family have had to put up with so much over the years particularly your mother, due to his anger issues etc, but it maybe that he has had issues in his past like for example due to his parents or the way his Mother or father treated each other or the way they treated their children etc. This could be one of the reasons why he finds it is so difficult to show his emotions. There are many people who do find it very hard to open up, share their emotions and be loving openly etc. But i am sure deep down he does love you, your sister and mother, but it is just that maybe he does not know how to show it, just like his parents may not have showed him love. So he may be treating his family just like how his parents treated him and each other.

There maybe many factors sister but what you should do is look at the positives about your father and focus on that. It is very difficult for a person to change at that age because they are almost certainly going to be very set in their ways, but this is just due to their stubborness and pride, because they feel they are the head of the household and that they are right It is them wanting to be dominant but dep down they do wish they were different. Deep down they know they are in the wrong a lot of the times. Deep down they acknowledge they do not act in the best of manners but this is how they have been for so long and so it is very hard for them to change at this age.

My sister this is a test for you, your sister and mother. Bare with it with patience and you will recieve abundant rewards. Your beloved mother has put up with it all her life but as long as she does not question Allah why then she will gain immense rewards and expiation of sins for such huge trials. Whatever you think of your father because of the way he behaves know that he loves his family more than anything. You are his world and everything he has. He would be NOTHING without you. He puts on this front of a old stubborn man filled with pride and a heart of stone but deep down he is quite the opposite. He is fragile and even tormented. Deep down he loves his family more than anything but he just cannot show it in the way you want him to.

So take the following steps regarding your father:

1. Try to avoid being around him when you know he is in a mood. If he explodes at you then just imagine Allah watching you and being happy with you for being patient through it. Shaythan wants you to be angry and bitter because he knows it will be detrimental to you but everytime you are faced with such a situation and you be patient through it to please Allah then you will gain immense rewards inshallah. Tell your mother and sister the same so that they also gain these immense rewards.

2. Just think of all the positive aspects of your father. Think of what good he has done and always know that there are far worser fathers out there. He has still done a lot for his family. So look at what good he has done as there are always much worse situations.

3. Give him gifts. There is nothing better to soften someones heart than to give them a nice gift. Tell him you love him. You are doing it to please Allah. If you love someone for the sake of Allah then Allah will love you. So love him for the sake of Allah and tell him you love him as you would gain far more reward because of the fact that he is your father. This may soften his heart so much knowing that you love him. Knowing that despite his behaviour his family still love him. This may make him realise his errors and enable him to make changes.

4. Keep re-assuring your mother and being there for her as much as possible. Tell her of the abundant rewards that await her for being patient through these trials. Tell her of how much it pleases Allah. Show your mother much love. Tell her you will always be there for her.

5. Do not try to tell your father to chnge etc because he will just get more angry. As i have mentioned earlier it is extremely difficult for an old person to change their ways. Especially if their children tell them how and why they should change etc. It is better to try and get an elder of the family or a respected learned scholar to talk to him and to try and make him understand.

4. Make much dua for him. Ask of Allah to soften his heart and towards his family. Ask of Allah to instill love in your heart for your father despite his behaviour and actions.

Ask of Allah to do what is best for you regarding marriage. Ask around as many people as you know in your locality for good potentials. Once you have found someone and you are happy with him and your father isnt then ask a learned elder that he will respect and listen to, to talk to him and make him understand.

Make effort and dua and that is the best you can do. Be patient and expect immense reward from Allah:

Narrated Jabir ibn Abdullah Allah's Messenger (Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam) said, "On the Day of Resurrection, when people who have suffered affliction are given their reward, those who are healthy will wish their skins had been cut to pieces with scissors when they were in the world." (Al-Tirmidhi #1570)

 

[ardianto]

I made a du'a after salah juma'ah, wish Allah give easiness to you and your family. This is the only thing I could do for you.

Brothers and sister here have given you good advices. You can follow their advices. May Allah give you easiness to overcome this problem.

 

[Tilmeez]

I made a du'a after salah juma'ah, wish Allah give easiness to you and your family. This is the only thing I could do for you.

Jazzakallah o Khair. Very good idea. Let's all make special du'as for this sister today after salat ul Juma'ah, Inshallah.

I will leave for salat after one hour and will ask Allah SWT to ease your affairs, Inshallah.

 

[anonymous]

Asalaamu alaikum,

Jazakallah khair for all your advice, especially brothers 'Abd-al Latif and Hamza.

And Jazaakallah for your duas Tilmeez, Riana, Ardianto, and anybody else that may be making dua.

This thread can be closed now please.

Jazakumullah khairal jazaa.

 

[anonymous]

I also meant to add, that your duas mean more to me than words can say, and I cannot express my grateful in words, and also for the good advice that I have received.

This thread can be closed now please.

Jazakumullah khair.

 

[Riana17]

Ameeen to all beautiful duaa, Ameen ya Rabb

 

[Riana17]

Ameeen to all beautiful duaa, Ameen ya Rabb

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

May Allah help and reward all those who are patient in such circumstances and make it a means of salvation in the hereafter. Ameen

That concludes this thread.