Asking Her Father's Permission

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DanEdge

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Greetings,

I am not Muslim, but I thought some of you might have advice on this delicate situation:

My girlfriend is a Christian preacher's daughter. Her father presides over a church here in Greenville, SC, and her family is very traditional. She says that I need to ask her father's permission to marry her. I'm not religious, and have never dealt with this before. What do I do?

Do I need to bring a ring with me when I ask for permission? I want him to know I'm serious, but I can't afford the right ring now.

How do I ask? I was thinking of setting up a private meeting with him, and telling him all the things I love about his daughter, and promising to love and take care of her forever, then presenting the ring, and then saying, "I'd like to have your permission and blessing to have your daughter's hand in marriage."

That's the ideal situation, but it's really just fantasy right now. No ring yet. I was thinking of going to his church by myself after his service to do this, but I don't know.

She doesn't read this board, so I feel safe asking :)

Thanks for any advice,

--Dan Edge
 
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Greeting, Dan.

Your situation actually is not so different than people who want to do interfaith marriage. But the 'barrier' that you will face can be harder because her father is religious leader, while you are non-religious. But, we don't know what will happen next. Probably after you talk with him then he will easily allow you to marry her daughter.

Do you need to bring a ring?. No. you can bring a ring after he say yes to your proposal to marry his daughter. For this time you must focus to make him understand that you want to marry his daughter. Also I really suggest you to talk with him in his home, not in his church, because this is private matter. Also, the presence of his colleagues in the church will make him feel uncomfortable to talk about it.

Okay, Dan. Prepare yourself to talk. Good luck.

:)
 
Assalaamu alaikum Dan,

(smile) You sound like a nice young man. (twinkle) Good potential son-in-law material!

(smile) Rings are undoubtably nice, but I think that if the father takes his faith very seriously, that the thing that he would be most concerned about would be the state of your own faith. (pensively) You say you are not very into religion. (smile) Perhaps the greatest gift you could offer your beloved would be to honestly look into her faith? I'm pretty sure this would offer an opening to get to know her father better, too.

(smile) And perhaps this could open up a voyage of discovery for you? And bring more Light into your life...


May God, the Bestower, Gift you with what is best and most beautiful for you... in this world and the Next.
 
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Aww, that's soo sweet.

Bro adrianto is right. You don't need to bring the ring right now to the meeting and definitely his home or another private place might be a better idea. (One humble advice though: When you go ring shopping, I'd definitely take her sister/mother/friend that would know her taste in rings so that you can have the ring that she'd love.)

Yes, setting up a private meeting with him sounds like a great start and saying all those things you'd written seems powerful and all kinds of wonderful. (Oh, God, I am having another one of those "awww" moments in my head!)

If I may ask (since shhhh, don't tell anyone, but of course I'm a hopeless romantic -- confessions of the singleton) how did you meet her and how did you know she's the one with whom you'd like to spend your life?

In-sha-Allah (God-willing), your fantasy comes true, and is better than any fantasy.

Oh, and bud, please do keep us updated on the situation; as I'm a curious cat (and a nosy little brat too).

(Also, as for not being able to afford the ring, well, if she truly loves you, that won't matter and you can get it when you can afford it - no need to slave your life over paying for a ring, though you should definitely be her *forever* slave.)



DanEdge said:
Greetings,

I am not Muslim, but I thought some of you might have advice on this delicate situation:

My girlfriend is a Christian preacher's daughter. Her father presides over a church here in Greenville, SC, and her family is very traditional. She says that I need to ask her father's permission to marry her. I'm not religious, and have never dealt with this before. What do I do?

Do I need to bring a ring with me when I ask for permission? I want him to know I'm serious, but I can't afford the right ring now.

How do I ask? I was thinking of setting up a private meeting with him, and telling him all the things I love about his daughter, and promising to love and take care of her forever, then presenting the ring, and then saying, "I'd like to have your permission and blessing to have your daughter's hand in marriage."

That's the ideal situation, but it's really just fantasy right now. No ring yet. I was thinking of going to his church by myself after his service to do this, but I don't know.

She doesn't read this board, so I fell safe asking :)

Thanks for any advice,

--Dan Edge
Click to expand...
 
You got some great advice, so I will just add that you might just be able to get away with taking small gifts for her father and mother. After discussing that you would like to marry their daughter, you can mention that you are not able to afford much. But for your first meeting do not go empty handed :D (even if its something really small).
 
:bism: :sl:

I think that's awesome advice as giving gifts is a prophetic tradition and softens the heart of the person receiving the gift. For example, I'd love it if a guy with whom I was considering marriage, for example, brought flowers for my mom and told her she was beautiful and gave some sweets to my dad; after all, the way I see it, showing that you care about the girl's family shows that you care about her too. So, yup, great advice!

TMGuide said:
You got some great advice, so I will just add that you might just be able to get away with taking small gifts for her father and mother. After discussing that you would like to marry their daughter, you can mention that you are not able to afford much. But for your first meeting do not go empty handed :D (even if its something really small).
Click to expand...
 
Greetings,

Thanks for all really good advice! It helps a lot. I'll definitely follow the advice to approach her father in his home, for the reasons given. I think it will work out much better that way. Bringing gifts is a good idea, too.

Regarding the religious difference: her parents know about it, and while I can't image that they fully approve, they know that I love their daughter and treat her very well, and she loves me, too. I've gone to her father's church several times, so he knows that I'm respectful of their traditions. So I think he'll say yes, because they want her to be happy. Since we live in the US, of course it isn't required for me to get his permission, but I want to be a part of their family, and I think he will respect my gesture of good faith.

To answer Search's romantic curiosity: we met initially at work. We were friendly with each other, but we didn't really start getting to know one another until I attended a dinner party with mutual friends at her house. After that, we started talking on the phone, and I discovered how truly intelligent and special she is. I'm the kind of person that speaks his mind an any topic, and she is one of the only people I've ever met that I feel totally comfortable saying whatever is rattling around in my brain. She is very thoughtful, and has opinions on nearly every subject you can think of, but she is also very open-minded - a true student of life. She's a die-hard romantic who, like me, never gave up on the dream of true love. We both think we have found it with each other.

She loves to paint, I love to read. She is responsible and has her feet planted on the ground, I am a dreamer with his head in the clouds. She's into fitness, and I love to play sports and silly games. We both love to laugh, sing, dance, and talk. Especially talk. When left alone, we can talk for hours. It's hard to explain all the many things that draw us to each other. But I can tell you, we have so much fun together no matter what we're doing: shopping, walking, cleaning, eating, really anything. The most mundane activities are made wonderful when she's with me. I'm in love with her :)

Sincerely,

--Dan Edge
 
I wish you both a happy life together. Good luck to you to meet hers father. :statisfie
 
:bism: (In the name of God, the Most Merciful, the Most Beneficient)

Aww, Dan, that's awesome. She sounds like a lovely person, and I'm glad you found her. Thanks for sharing. I too, like sis herb, wish you both well on your romantic journey.
 
I like to re-read this post because it makes me feel so GOOD! I can't wait to speak to her father, because I know that he will see how much I love his daughter, and that I will treat her like a princess till the end of our life together.

Thank you, IslamicBoard, for giving me the perfect platform to speak my thoughts on this matter. I feel that you all understand my heart and how I want to do this in the right way.

I am very confident that I will soon be married. Married! She will be my wife. I will call her "wife." I just like to say that :)

--Dan Edge
 
DanEdge said:
I am very confident that I will soon be married. Married! She will be my wife. I will call her "wife." I just like to say that
Click to expand...
You should call her "my wife", not just "wife" because she is part of you.

Many problems can be happen in marriage. But In Shaa Allah (God willing), if you and your wife can always maintain love, everything will be alright. Always see the positive things in your wife, always appreciate what she does for you, always be grateful because you have her as your wife. This is the key to maintain love in marriage.

Hopefully you will be blessed with happy marriage and see your grandchildren grow up in happiness.

:)
 
hi dan just wanted to say good luck with everything, hope it all works out for you insha'Allah, you seem decent and respectful and im sure her parents will agree and you'll be married in no time, gifts tend to soften people up so you might want to think about that, keep us posted bro :)
 
Greetings Dan,

You've mentioned how you like doing things together. I warmly invite you and ask you to study Islam together, seeing as you seem to have a bit of an interest at least. As a Christian, she will notice commonalities, and see how much Jesus (peace be on him) is a non-negotiable part of Islam. Many Christians who reverted to/embraced Islam, say it feels like they've come home, and that they feel closer to Jesus's true teachings than when they were Christian. You yourself, are also sure to find life's answers in Islam. I can thing of nothing greater that will bring benefit to your mutual life and future together, in this world and the next.

Peace.
 
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Greetings,

Follow Up:

I spoke to my love's father during the Thanksgiving holiday, and told him I could set it up for him to have premium movie channels at his house since I work for the cable company (it's legal). I've never been to his house before, but he said to come on up on my next day off. This is my chance. I'm going to bring flowers for his wife and set up free movies for him as a gift. Then... I'm going to ask for his daughter's hand. I'm feeling strong :)

Sincerely,

--Dan Edge
 
My heart says; share that,it is metaphorical love,real love is to God.Either you lose the love with time(and even sometimes you begin to hate) or you lose finally your darling(wife).Who creates the love,who creates your darling.If you find the origin ,you find everything.
 
:bism:

Yay! So happy for you, bro, and Kat too!

Does IB get an invitation, as after all, we might, oh you know, want to take a teeny-weeny credit for the proposal going so well? Haha.

Awesome, just awesome!

Wishing you and her all kinds of goodness and happiness for starting your married life,
 
Greetings,

I asked, and she said "yes!" I am engaged to my best friend, and to the best person I've ever met.

--Dan Edge
 
Congratulations! May your journey together will be long, blessed and happy.
 
I'm resurrecting this thread to celebrate a year of happy marriage! :Emoji52:

My wife and I have had a few struggles (doesn't everyone?), but we're learning that we can overcome anything together. Joy is shared freely and daily, and conflicts are usually handled with calm, rational discussion. We still talk and dance and sing together all the time. Our families spend time together a lot, and we all get along very well. We continue to attend her father's church regularly and engage with his community. Unfortunately she lost her mother this past year, but she has become very close to my mother. We are currently looking to buy a house and are discussing the prospect of adopting or fostering children. Life could not be sweeter.

I share this with all of you because it makes me feel good to do so. But I also write to inspire those among you who have yet to meet the love of your life. It's out there, and to me, it's the greatest thing life has to offer.

To the Best Within Us,

--Dan Edge
 

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