before rukshtai

[Bint-e-Adam]

Assalam o Alaikum
i want to ask an important quesiton again. pls do guide me.

Husband and wife got Nikah and wife is not rukhsat to her husband's home. she is living in her parets home. Husband is not giving money or any monthly pocket money to his wife.wife is totally under her parents money.
i have two question under such situation.

1.) is it neccessary for a wife to ask permission to go out of her parent;s home.
2.) Is it neccessary to tell evert thing about her daily routine. that what did she do where did she go whole day?or where did her parents take her with them to any relatives or friends home etc.
my husband asks me to tell my every thing to him. as where did i go or did.
and when i tell him every thing truly then his mood got off. and he fights with me so much. and if i donot tell him then i am afraid that if i will hide anything then he will not trust me ever as he has said already that if i will hide anything then he will not trust me ever or simply give me tallaq. pls guide me.

pls my focus is here on these two questions.
i am happy with him. pls dont focus on the issue of the husband's mentalility,etc
i only want answer about the two questions. pls guide me well. what Islam Says?​

 

[ardianto]

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-support/134316961-what-do-before-rukhsati.html

Same topic? ^o)

 

[Bint-e-Adam]

nobody focused on my questions

 

[ardianto]

I cannot give you an answer, sis. Because Rukhsati is cultural tradition that doesn't exist in my Muslim community.

 

[Signor]

Waalikum Assalaam

Basically as Bro Ardianto mentioned,Rukhsati is a traditional in nature,so its really difficult to find anything specific:

The wife should treat her husband in a good manner, because Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): “And they (women) have rights (over their husbands as regards living expenses) similar (to those of their husbands) over them (as regards obedience and respect) to what is reasonable” [al-Baqarah 2:228]

Al-Qurtubi said: It was also narrated from him – i.e., Ibn ‘Abbaas – that this means: they have the right to good companionship and kind and reasonable treatment from their husbands just as they are obliged to obey the commands of their husbands.

And it was said that they have the right that their husbands should not harm them, and their husbands have a similar right over them. This was the view of al-Tabari.

Ibn Zayd said: You should fear Allaah concerning them just as they should fear Allaah concerning you. The meanings are similar, and the aayah includes all of that in the rights and duties of marriage.(Tafseer al-Qurtubi, 3/123-124)

Discipline. The husband has the right to discipline his wife if she disobeys him in something good, not if she disobeys him in something sinful, because Allaah has enjoined disciplining women by forsaking them in bed and by hitting them, when they do not obey.

The Hanafis mentioned four situations in which a husband is permitted to discipline his wife by hitting her. These are: not adorning herself when he wants her to; not responding when he calls her to bed and she is taahirah (pure, i.e., not menstruating); not praying; and going out of the house without his permission.

The evidence that it is permissible to discipline one's wife includes the aayahs (interpretation of the meaning): “As to those women on whose part you see ill‑conduct, admonish them (first), (next) refuse to share their beds, (and last) beat them (lightly, if it is useful)” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34]

“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones” [al-Tahreem 66:6]

Ibn Katheer said: Qutaadah said: you should command them to obey Allaah, and forbid them to disobey Allaah; you should be in charge of them in accordance with the command of Allaah, and instruct them to follow the commands of Allaah, and help them to do so. If you see any act of disobedience towards Allaah, then stop them from doing it and rebuke them for that.

This was also the view of al-Dahhaak and Muqaatil: that the duty of the Muslim is to teach his family, including his relatives and his slaves, that which Allaah has enjoined upon them and that which He has forbidden them. (Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 4/392)
​

Not going out of the house except with the husband’s permission.
One of the rights of the husband over his wife is that she should not go out of the house except with his permission. The Shaafa’is and Hanbalis said: she does not have the right to visit (even) her sick father except with the permission of her husband, and he has the right to prevent her from doing that… because obedience to the husband is obligatory, and it is not permitted to neglect an obligatory action for something that is not obligatory.

The obligation of obedience. Allaah has made the man a qawwaam (protector and maintainer) of the woman by commanding, directing and taking care of her, just as guardians take care of their charges, by virtue of the physical and mental faculties that Allaah has given only to men and the financial obligations that He has enjoined upon them. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allaah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means” [al-Nisaa’ 4:34]

‘Ali ibn Abi Talhah said, narrating from Ibn ‘Abbaas: “Men are the protectors and maintainers of women” means, they are in charge of them, i.e., she should obey him in matters of obedience that Allaah has enjoined upon her, and obey him by treating his family well and taking care of his wealth. This was the view of Muqaatil, al-Saddi and al-Dahhaak.(Tafseer Ibn Katheer, 1/492)

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/10680

If there is a conflict between obedience to one’s husband and obedience to one’s parents, then obedience to one’s husband takes priority. Imam Ahmad (may Allaah have mercy on him) said concerning a woman who has a husband and a sick mother: Obeying her husband is more obligatory upon her than (taking care of) her mother, unless he gives her permission. (Sharh Muntaha al-Iraadaat, 3/47).

In al-Insaaf (8/362) it says: She does not have to obey her parents with regard to leaving her husband or visiting etc., rather obedience to the husband takes priority.

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/43123

As to Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid and his team see this distinction between Nikah and Ruksati i.e givng the rights of a hsuband to the Man:

http://islamqa.info/en/ref/4318

Hope this helps

 

[Ali_008]

:wasalamex

I apologize in advance if my answer offends anyone or the OP. I think your husband is behaving like a typical misogynistic guy who wants to assert his dominance over his wife. Believe me, I've seen this behavior a lot of times, and it is not healthy. By constantly fighting, and creating scenarios where the girl is left saying sorry over and over again, some guys feed their egos. They feel like their wives should be as submissive to them as a slave. You are not a slave. You have the right to demand respect from your husband, and ask him to stop behaving like a teenage girl who wants to know every detail. The fact that you're already scared in a new marriage, and especially when your rukhsati hasn't even taken place yet speaks volumes. The guy is just trying to assert his dominance, make you feel that he's done you some favor by marrying you. He hasn't, he was asked during the nikah THRICE whether he accepts you as his bride.

You need to stop being scared. Talk to him with confidence. Don't let conversations become interrogations. Have joyful and jovial talk, and ask him if he offered all the 5 prayers in the masjid today. If you're not doing it right now then spend time acquiring knowledge by reading books, articles, or watching videos of Dr. Zakir Naik and Nouman Ali Khan. That way when he asks you what you did during the day, you can share the knowledge with him, and fend off the ego that he is slowly trying to foster.

I'm sorry again for being so blunt and plain with my response, but if the scenario is how I'm picturing it to be then you need to put off the flame before it burns something down.

I also want to put forward to all the guys who might see this that don't think that you've acquired a slave or someone of an inferior status by getting married. By my experience, I've found my best friend by getting married, Alhamdulilah summa alhamdulillah. In comparison to behaving like a jerk, being casual and playful is a lot more fun and satisfying. I've actually tried the sunnat of competing with my wife and letting her win, and it was awesome. Watching her behave like she won the world cup was quite entertaining, to say the least. Alhamdulillah SubhanAllah. So brothers, treats your wives like your equal. They need you, but you need them equally as well.

 

[Muslim Woman]

nobody focused on my questions

sis , I think we did . Writing from memory :

1. talk to him tactfully
2. ask him why he suspects u , why he does not want u to go out of res
3. think about ur future . Even before starting ur conjugal life , u are scared of him , he does not trust u - situation might get worse . So, talk to him now about the reasons he is doing this .

U must not tell lies to him but u can avoid answering to some questions that will make him angry etc etc .


May Allah help u .

 

[Muslim Woman]

:wasalamex

You need to stop being scared. Talk to him with confidence. Don't let conversations become interrogations. Have joyful and jovial talk, and ask him if he offered all the 5 prayers in the masjid today.

I agree .

 

[YusufNoor]

Assalam o Alaikum
i want to ask an important quesiton again. pls do guide me.

Husband and wife got Nikah and wife is not rukhsat to her husband's home. she is living in her parets home. Husband is not giving money or any monthly pocket money to his wife.wife is totally under her parents money.
i have two question under such situation.

1.) is it neccessary for a wife to ask permission to go out of her parent;s home.

he is your husband, even if it wasn't necessary, ask him just to please him. [as he should also seek to please you]

2.) Is it neccessary to tell evert thing about her daily routine. that what did she do where did she go whole day?or where did her parents take her with them to any relatives or friends home etc.

he is your husband, you should want to share with him.

my husband asks me to tell my every thing to him. as where did i go or did.

so many possible responses to this. see below

and when i tell him every thing truly then his mood got off. and he fights with me so much. and if i do not tell him then i am afraid that if i will hide anything then he will not trust me ever as he has said already that if i will hide anything then he will not trust me ever or simply give me tallaq. pls guide me.

trust is better.

pls my focus is here on these two questions.
i am happy with him. pls dont focus on the issue of the husband's mentalility,etc
i only want answer about the two questions. pls guide me well. what Islam Says?​

Respected Sister,

it is difficult for someone to respond, given the info and caution provided. my advice would be to seek the advice of the Imam who did the nikkah. that is assuming he knows both of you.

we only know what you tell us, we know neither of you. that leaves too many unknown factors, for instance:

You you don't like being "interrogated". do you give this away by your demeanor, either in words or attitudes? even a hesitancy to respond can give you away.
why do you go out so much? visit family on Jummuah. study for your Din and future marriage and children the rest of the time.

Him is he just that type of guy? is he controlling? jealous? insecure?
is he busy working hard to build a home for you?

you see, we are ignorant of the situation. Maybe he just loves you? Maybe he thinks you waste too much time? Maybe he expects better answers?

imagine two different conversations:

1st: Husband calls. You, "as Salaamu Alaykum Honey, guess what i did today? Auntie wanted me to come visit so she could teach me that chicken recipe that you love. Alhamdulillah, i talked her into coming over here instead. i did great! it was yummy! then Fatimah called and wanted me to come over to learn some Ayats with her. i told her about the great chicken i made and she came over here to try it instead! she liked the chicken, but said her mom's is better. we learned 4 ayats, Alhamdulillah. how was your day and what did you do?"

2nd Husband calls. You, "What?" Husband, "Salam Sister, what did you do today?" You, "Why?" and you proceed to tell him a bunch of stuff he doesn't want to hear. guess how this conversation goes?

perception, perception, perception! a nice sharing conversation or one where he feels like he has to drag stuff out of you.

as for fiqh, what madhab are you? perhaps, in shaa Allah, SaneFellow can give you a good rundown on it.

there are a lot of factors to consider.

May Allah make it easy on you and guides us all to the straight way.

ma salaama

 

[Bint-e-Adam]

Sister,
He only says that the reason of all these suspecitions are that he lvoes me so much. he become so much possessive. i tries to expalin him everything but no gain. he reamins as he is,.
i am really tensed, how to explain him that i am not doing anything wrong,. that i am going anywhere with my own father or family. why not i can go ith them if Islam has permitted me before rukhsati to go out with my parents or brother. i have tried to talk in many ways. with good mood, with rage, with love etc etc
but all in vain. he only give a somple reason that he is so possessive about me.
You all please tell me any simple way to explain him that i want to enjoy my life with my family.
and pls guide me that in all this situation is it permitted to hide any thing that makes him angry???

 

[YusufNoor]

Sister,
He only says that the reason of all these suspecitions are that he lvoes me so much. he become so much possessive. i tries to expalin him everything but no gain. he reamins as he is,.

some men are like that

i am really tensed, how to explain him that i am not doing anything wrong,. that i am going anywhere with my own father or family. why not i can go ith them if Islam has permitted me before rukhsati to go out with my parents or brother. i have tried to talk in many ways. with good mood, with rage, with love etc etc

we don't have rukhsati in Islam, just Nikkah. you have contract, nikkah, and you complete it with walima [and you know]. if two parties are 6 years old, no one probably cares about daily on-goings, but you are not 6. you have to find out precisely what your obligations are. visit a Sheikh.

but all in vain. he only give a somple reason that he is so possessive about me.

are you under the impression this will change?

You all please tell me any simple way to explain him that i want to enjoy my life with my family.

if you have no nikkah, thus no husband, enjoy your family. once you have nikkah, you have husband, mate comes before family.
and pls guide me that in all this situation is it permitted to hide any thing that makes him angry???

why do ANYTHING that makes him angry? if you do not "pay" for this now, you might "pay" for it later! you could be setting yourself up for a miserable marriage and life later on. why do that?

find out what you are OBLIGATED to do, then do it. or break the contract. why spend all this time making him angry? if you just want to be "careless and free", then maybe release is better. you can't act like you have NO obligations, if you DO have obligations.

and Allahu Alam

ma salaama

 

[Signor]

Assalamu Alaikum

Seems to me a trust deficit that lies between you and him.Possessiveness is not a bad attribute, but there is fine line between what is good and what is bad.Its natural,no one wants to be dictated by other person what to wear, what to eat, how to walk, where to go etc.Talking and communicating your issues to them might just be the need of an hour. Try to assert yourself and discuss the issues.Calmly,sit down with him someday and tell him that what he is doing isn't okay.Tell him to keep in mind is that although he is loyal to you by possessing you, he is also disloyal to you by not trusting you. Meaning, he doesn't think that you can handle yourself in the world, and that, unfortunately, is his problem.Ask him if he trusts you? If he says yes, then ask him how much he trusts you, and what he does and doesn't trust you about. If he says no, ask him why he doesn't trust you. This can give you a really good chance to show him how much you care for him. Listen to him more than you talk. Don't try to make a lot of points, just listen. At the end, ask him how you can prove that he can trust you.

Relationships are built on trust and a degree of freedom and space is expected by both the partners, and if this trust and freedom is threatened, relationships start going down the drain.

Best Regards

 

[Bint-e-Adam]

Shukran Akhee Sanefellow.
I dont want to get myself free or enjoy my life much,
as i dont want to lose him
i always obey him with my whole pleasure. but when if my parents want to to go anywhere as to take my medicine or on a Gathering that is typical ismalic, then i say no to them only because of Him. then my parents become sad, and i become so much tensed.

 

[Endymion]

You need to learn how to maintain the balance between the relations sis,you are ma sha Allah an educated girl and you know the deeyn as well.No one is there to rule above you its just the attribute of Allah swt only.Love your husbands with all the good and bad in him if this pleases you but donot let him enslave your mind.You are not bound to tell "anyone" everything you do no matter if these are any of your mistakes or what.Keep people in their limit.It is not fitting for a sane person to tell everything they do to whom they love no matter who they are.Keep your matters to you and speak to people about topics which are related to them.

I respect your love to your husband and i ask Allah swt to guide you both to live with peace and tranquility but i dont want you to face anything bad in future.May Allah swt be with you always.Ameen.

 

[YusufNoor]

Shukran Akhee Sanefellow.
I dont want to get myself free or enjoy my life much,
as i dont want to lose him

as we are only getting partial info, this statement is puzzling. imagine living with him and you are not allowed to visit family or go to "Islamic" type gatherings. i mention this because i am sort of old, BUT when i was very young, i had the type of tendencies that you have discussed. in the west we have a saying, "a woman never forgets"; meaning she will remember all your screwups [as possibly use them against you at the worst times]. a really jealous person can remember EVERY SINGLE SLIGHT against, whether real or imagined. in other words, he is keeping mental note of EVERY "infraction" against him. he may try to "even the scales" in order to set his mind at rest.
i always obey him with my whole pleasure. but when if my parents want to to go anywhere as to take my medicine or on a Gathering that is typical ismalic, then i say no to them only because of Him. then my parents become sad, and i become so much tensed.

your parents love you, discuss the situation with them. be proactive, rather than disappoint them at the last minute. your father is your wali, you may want to consider having him call your husband in advance of trips. have him tell your husband where you are going and why. if your husband objects, your position is that because you live under your parents roof, you feel obligated to honor their wishes. this is not an extreme position. if your husband would prefer full control, tell him to take you under his roof, problem solved. if he is unable to do so, then he must consider your situation. he can provide for you or not. if not, then he is the one putting you in this situation. give him the choice. it will help you to share your burden. tell him if he so desires, he may come and accompany you to any of these outings.

in doing this, you can assess his mental maturity and consider that when deciding to complete your marriage contract. seeking your father's advice is important as he is still your provider. your mom probably knows everything and is anxious to help.

and Allahu Alam,

ma salaama

 

[Bint-e-Adam]

شكرا
jazakum Allah khairan kaseeran kaseeran...
May Allah bless all of u ameen,