Breakdown of the family

[AnonymousPoster]

Im sorry for the long story but please bare with me

I have an extremely violent and otherwise dictator of a father. He shows love sometimes but always at a cost. the cost is usually being hurled abuse.

My siblings and I do everything for him, more than other children. He swears at us and we are told that we should smile back and say "as u say father"...

its like mental torture.

Everyday he is verbally or physically abusive towards my mother.

My mother didnt leave my father long ago because 25 years ago my mum's brother had a divorce, and as a result of that my mum's father had a heart attack and died shortly after. So mymum didnt want to cause her family anymore pain. so she sacrificed her life for them. My mum has never seen genuine happiness or love except from us, her children.

He always compares us to other children. he tells us that it is his islamic right to beat his adult daughters and his wife, even if he is wrong, he has "haqq"/the right because he is the 'father' who brought us up.
I can safely say without u needing to hear his side of the story that he has never had a justified reason to swear or hurt us.

He has often said blasphemous things, and when things dont go his way he has said in the past that he doesnt believe in Allah (nauzubillah) but then he repents. but whats the use when he keeps saying it? He even swore at the Prophet (s) before (Astaghfirullah) and then feels bad when his anger cools down.

still i never say that i hate my father, or that i wish death upon him. i just wish Allah gives him the happiness that he thinks he isnt getting from us, by paving some way to my dad to get married again... please do duah that my dad finds another wife!

You dont understand, my mum is like a slave, she is like a robot. she does more than anyone i know has done for a husband.
My mum lies for him, she takes beatings off him if he is mad at someone else, or if he doesnt get the particular food he wants,or if my mum takes mroe than 2 minutes to open the door for him when he comes from work.

My brother left home 2 years ago, hes exactly like my dad. and thats why my dad and him dislike each other. My dad disowned him because he wanted to marry a non-indian girl. the girl is polish but she is converted to islam, btu still my dad wont accept just because he is a control freak. My mum has to take this pain too, my dad blames her. he beat her up so much because of this

so now tell me... are we evil for wanting to seperate from him?

 

[Ourra-Tul-'Ain]

"In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful"

sister i cant help but feel angry for you. i really need to calm down.

"A’uthu billahi minash-shaytanir-rajeem"

i get so heated when i see a person abousing other people like that, let alone his own fam.:heated:

inshallah i will reply to this when i am feeling a lil better, my blood presure is like, rite up there....i'm @ work rite now.

my dua is with u sis.

 

[Ummah]

*edit* posted in the wrong thread sorry. will come back to this one later. May Allah swt help you in your difficult times.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

jazakhillah ukhti i await your reply... i am in need of much counselling.

i needed to add, my dad prays 5 times a day. i know this seems contradictory to the blasphemous statements he has made at points in his life. but i need to tell you this

i know there will be people who will say that cannot give me advice until they hear my dad's side. but please i am desperate. and Allah swt is my witness, i have said no lie. so please advice me on the basis that what you are hearing is the true story

 

[AnonymousPoster]

that reply was to both sisters who replied.

 

[Woodrow]

Abuse has no boundaries and occurs in all types of families. It is found in families of all faiths and socio-economic conditions. The truth is people are not born with handling instructions printed on them so the first guide people understand is to treat their family as they were treated, in their eyes that becomes the only expression of love they are familiar with.

It is a difficult habit to break and very difficult to end the cycle in a family. Abused Children often grow up to become abusive parents and spouses.

The Qur'an does give very many guides to show how a family should be, how parents should treat each other, their children and how children should treat their parents.Sadly, a child's childhood often clouds vision and gives other meanings to the beautiful words.

As difficult as it is. A person's best choice is to learn to control their own behavior. Understand they are not the cause of any abuse given to them by others and for them to do their best to live up to their own duties as described in the Qur'an. Make frequent Du'a that your own trials will be lessened and that your abuser will change his ways. Counter acts often result in simply using wrongs against ourselves as an excuse to perpetrate wrongs against others.

Understand you can not control the beliefs and actions of another, but you can control your own actions and perceptions.

It is my Du'a that you will be freed from this hardship, in a manner that freely follows the will of Allah(swt). Inshallah

 

[Ourra-Tul-'Ain]

Abuse has no boundaries and occurs in all types of families. It is found in families of all faiths and socio-economic conditions. The truth is people are not born with handling instructions printed on them so the first guide people understand is to treat their family as they were treated, in their eyes that becomes the only expression of love they are familiar with.

It is a difficult habit to break and very difficult to end the cycle in a family. Abused Children often grow up to become abusive parents and spouses.

The Qur'an does give very many guides to show how a family should be, how parents should treat each other, their children and how children should treat their parents.Sadly, a child's childhood often clouds vision and gives other meanings to the beautiful words.

As difficult as it is. A person's best choice is to learn to control their own behavior. Understand they are not the cause of any abuse given to them by others and for them to do their best to live up to their own duties as described in the Qur'an. Make frequent Du'a that your own trials will be lessened and that your abuser will change his ways. Counter acts often result in simply using wrongs against ourselves as an excuse to perpetrate wrongs against others.

Understand you can not control the beliefs and actions of another, but you can control your own actions and perceptions.

It is my Du'a that you will be freed from this hardship, in a manner that freely follows the will of Allah(swt). Inshallah

ameen 2 the above.

mashallah brother i do like how u explained you view.

u know sis my dad was a bit hmmmmm how do i explain:hmm: well lets just say he was not a patient man. alhamdulillah he is so much better now(i think its because he has aged:nervous: ) anyways i could handle him not treating us well but wallahi i think i would have died inside, if he so much as pushed my mother:heated: .

i know divorce is not a good thing in islam and i advice u to be patient...but Allah did not say u have to take such messed up abuseffended: .

your mum is not dead yet alhamdulillah, she is entitled to have a happy abuse free life. i think u should all stop being in denial. i hope he does change but he should do it in his own space, away from your fam.

sallam sis...... sos if it dont make sense i'm wriiting this on my 15 min break

 

[Muezzin]

Based on what you've told us, divorce seems the most practical option. I understand your mother's side of things in not wanting to separate because of history, but the continuous abuse you've described... nobody deserves that. Is there no way that you could maybe go to some place safe with your mother and siblings for a week or so? A friend or something? This sort of thing has to stop.

You could try telling an imam and see what he says, but he might not want to involve himself in family affairs.

 

[gladTidings]

Im really sorry to hear about the abuse you and your family have been enduring. I agree with the above post. How long will you wait in hope that he will one day change?

In the mean time you need to stay strong and stay by your mothers side. I cant even begin to imagine what it must be like for her to wake up every morning facing the same abuse over and over again. Is there no relatives from your mothers side who will be willing to help?

Im not experienced with this sort of thing, but the only solution I see is divorce. Talk to your mum, make sure she is aware of her rights as a wife, not your fathers ideas of his 'haqq'. She is trying to protect her family from harm but is it really worth depriving herself and her children from safety and any chances of happiness? What about the long term consequences for you and your siblings? Nobody deserves this sort of treatment from anyone.

I pray that your patience is rewarded. May Allah swt make it easy for your family. Ameen.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

thanks for the advice. we left on friday evening telling my dad we wont be back until sunday morning. we went to london and when we got there he kept calling us to say that we better not tell any of his family what hes been doing or else when we come back on sunday he'll slaughter all 3 of us.

We got back a while ago and hes not home but all his stuff is here so obviously hes just gone out somewhere. so we are waiting for him to come back nw. he'll probably give us silent treatment and then develop into a row.

I dont think us leaving on friday will have any positive effect on him because we left on the pretence that we were returnin on sunday...

I dont know if i want to use a word as harsh as divorce even though i know that the situation i am in is absoloutely the kind of situation that justifies divorce/khullah.
I think they should seperate for around 4 months and then see how things go?

 

[Woodrow]

thanks for the advice. we left on friday evening telling my dad we wont be back until sunday morning. we went to london and when we got there he kept calling us to say that we better not tell any of his family what hes been doing or else when we come back on sunday he'll slaughter all 3 of us.

We got back a while ago and hes not home but all his stuff is here so obviously hes just gone out somewhere. so we are waiting for him to come back nw. he'll probably give us silent treatment and then develop into a row.

I dont think us leaving on friday will have any positive effect on him because we left on the pretence that we were returnin on sunday...

I dont know if i want to use a word as harsh as divorce even though i know that the situation i am in is absoloutely the kind of situation that justifies divorce/khullah.
I think they should seperate for around 4 months and then see how things go?

A number of years ago part of my job was counseling abuse victims. The sad reality in nearly every case, no matter how much intervention is involved, the abuser returns to his/her habits within a few months. I do believe people can change, but in practice very few abusers ever make the total personal commitment necessary to achieve a permanent change.

 

[HumbleServant]

Salaam sis,

Have you contacted the Islamic Shariah Council? They'll be able to give you the ins and outs of divorce/khula, etc as well as the situation. I've never contacted them myself but Ive been told its very good. Their advice line is on 0870 300 1424. Explain the situation to them, and perhaps they'd be able to arrange a suitable place for you all to stay if it was to come down to seperation as well.

In the mean time sis, all I can say is stay strong and keep the rest of your family strong, by finding peace and comfort in Quran and Salaah. Insha Allah Allah is with those who seek Him and with those who are patient.

Allah knows what you're enduring and He'll recompense you with better in the Aakhirah for sure. Insha Allah.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

jazakhillah both of u.

Humbleservant i will ask my mum to ring that number inshAllah

Woodrow.. i understand what you say, i dont havfe much faith in my dad changing his ways but i jus heard somewhere that if a couple seperate for 4months its like a cooling off period in which they can assess theoir relationship. in 30 years my parents havnt ever seperated for more than a day so maybe this will help?

I am worried though, that my dad will show crocodile tears and then a month later will return because once, last year a think, he was really bad to us and then he cried and said he promised he wouldnt ever do it again, and he told me to remind him of his promise if he ever got angry. but the next time he got angry i reminded him and he went even more bezerk at me, saying that he never made any such promise, and that his reason for getting angry at this moment was perfectly justifiable.

divorce is such a scary word tho.. both my parents are like...50-54 years old. none of us kids are married though..

 

[Ourra-Tul-'Ain]

inshallah it will work out for the best sister.



inshallah kahir.

 

[AnonymousPoster]

divorce is such a scary word tho.. both my parents are like...50-54 years old. none of us kids are married though..

Divorce isn’t as bad as you think .especially if it’s for the well being of the family. My parents are in their fifties. They've been separated for 4 years and finalized their divorce about two years ago…. it was one of the best things ever. the so called “leader of the house” made life very hard on my family. Physical abuse, mental, emotion.,, But once he was gone we could finally be comfortable in our own home , didn’t have to live in fear and we could finally breath The house no longer had this sick blanket of tension that always seemed to be around. When I look back I can’t believe how many years we lived like that , and how many years we wasted hoping he would change. we didn’t realize how bad it was till he was gone. Seriously I was 20 when they divorced

I definitely not saying divorce is easy , but tell be able to breath in my own home… I can say That I would never want to trade that for what it was before. This was my experience…. I could go into more detail but instead Inshallah respond to the thread again and lets us know you decision or if you want more advice

 

[AnonymousPoster]

Divorce isn’t as bad as you think .especially if it’s for the well being of the family. My parents are in their fifties. They've been separated for 4 years and finalized their divorce about two years ago…. it was one of the best things ever. the so called “leader of the house” made life very hard on my family. Physical abuse, mental, emotion.,, But once he was gone we could finally be comfortable in our own home , didn’t have to live in fear and we could finally breath The house no longer had this sick blanket of tension that always seemed to be around. When I look back I can’t believe how many years we lived like that , and how many years we wasted hoping he would change. we didn’t realize how bad it was till he was gone. Seriously I was 20 when they divorced

I definitely not saying divorce is easy , but tell be able to breath in my own home… I can say That I would never want to trade that for what it was before. This was my experience…. I could go into more detail but instead Inshallah respond to the thread again and lets us know you decision or if you want more advice

"Not able to breath in my own home" and "blanket of tension".......that is EXACTLY how we are in our house too!
when my dad goes to work we all relax.
when hes at home, me my mum and my sis sit in one corner of the room in silence, and whisper to each other to have conversations while dad sits on the other side of the room watching tv.
when he leaves or goes to bed we all jump up and sit wherver we want to... its crazy......

if we laugh he wants to know why, if we cry he tells us he's got many more worries than we have so we have no right to be upset.

At the moment hes not speaking to my sister, but hes now using me as a means to communicate to the rest of the family. but hes not speaking to me unless he has to. and when he does speak to me its in a really rude tone.
Everyone seems to have shut up about the seperation. mums returned to normal lifestyle.

this always happens!!!!!!!!! we get all pumped up about leaving and then suddenly all the air comes out. like we lose the bottle and go back to normal waiting for the next time he has his fit.

the ball is in my mums court. i cant do anyting now/ her whole family, i.e. her brothers and sisters are telling her to leave him. she doesntlisten. because shes scared about where to go.

 

[Ourra-Tul-'Ain]

"Not able to breath in my own home" and "blanket of tension".......that is EXACTLY how we are in our house too!
when my dad goes to work we all relax.
when hes at home, me my mum and my sis sit in one corner of the room in silence, and whisper to each other to have conversations while dad sits on the other side of the room watching tv.
when he leaves or goes to bed we all jump up and sit wherver we want to... its crazy......

if we laugh he wants to know why, if we cry he tells us he's got many more worries than we have so we have no right to be upset.

At the moment hes not speaking to my sister, but hes now using me as a means to communicate to the rest of the family. but hes not speaking to me unless he has to. and when he does speak to me its in a really rude tone.
Everyone seems to have shut up about the seperation. mums returned to normal lifestyle.

this always happens!!!!!!!!! we get all pumped up about leaving and then suddenly all the air comes out. like we lose the bottle and go back to normal waiting for the next time he has his fit.

the ball is in my mums court. i cant do anyting now/ her whole family, i.e. her brothers and sisters are telling her to leave him. she doesntlisten. because shes scared about where to go.

sallam sister.

i know your mum must be scared about where to go or what to do next. but u know, wallahi i truly feel that she should put her trust in Allah swa, she is to dependant on your father. its a mental thing, she dont know anything other than this life.

i spoke to my mum about this last night, n i was like i think they should not get divorced maybe just yet, but she should tell him to leave. n my mum was like yeah but when u have many kids for him then things are different. u cant just leave.

i was like NO. it should not be like that. it would be much better for the kids if they went there own ways, (the kids will grow up n leave home soon, so u will be left with an man who treats u like that)

i say Allah is the provider.....we should all put our trust in him.


sos im writting this at work again,lol kinda rushed it.eace:

 

[AnonymousPoster]

jazakhallah sisters and bros for gettin back to me..

i was talking again about this to my mum, because my sister's mother-in-law to be was telling my sister that if my mum ever seperates from my dad, she wont ever say anything negative about it to my sister. and wats wierd is.. her mother-in-law to be doesnt even know that my dad is verbally or physically abusive. maybe she has guessed it from his personality but isnt admitting that she's guessed it due to the taboo nature of the situation...?


for the past few days he hasnt been speaking to me. regardless, i have been giving him my salaams but getting no reply from him.
He is only speaking to me when he wants me to do some job for him, and even still he is speaking to me in the rudest way possible.
a few weeks ago he told me to never ever go to the usual chemist because he is asian (hindu) because he doesnt give proper medicines. (im asian too).
so in response i said "should i go to the other chemist?" he said, "no dont go to any of these hindus or asians ever again, they never give the right medicine. so i said "okay dad ill go to 'boots' pharmacy in town centre in future".....
today he told me to get his medicines for him. so i went to boots, unfortunately boots didnt have stock of one of the medicines and i have to collect the remainder tomorrow. My dad always flips out at us when ever this happens. So i was really scared and tried ringing all the pharmacies in my area, hindu or not, and because this medicine is new on the market, nobody had it.
I explained all this to my dad and he began yelling at me and swearing at me and telling me that he never in his life said that i should stop going to the hindu chemists.. (i wish id recorded it)... so i said "okay fine dad, maybe i heard wrong, but what has this got to do with anything? at the end of the day, i tried all the chemists and nobody had it"... in repsonse he swore at me some more and i went upstairs...

a few minutes later i realised i needed to tell him about a phone call my mum had made to my sister's future in-laws... Basically my sisters fiance had a car accident and my dad told my mum to tell them that he is busy until friday and he will visit my sisters fiance on friday if possible.
So i explained this whole story to my dad, and without any logical reason he started swearing at me with the dirtiest swears under the sun and came to hit me. but i kept movin away from him. by this time my sister came downstairs and tried to calm the situation but my dad wouldnt came it

for 2 hours, we have been sat downstairs listening to a barrage of threats and abusive language, and occassional outburts of physical violence for no reason. In the end he told ME AND MY SISTER TO READ TAWBAH AND APOLOGISE TO HIM :heated:
I said to him, "dad i will do tawbah to Allah only" and i do tawbah, honestly im even doing astaghfirullah now, i always do astaghfirullah that Allah forgives me for any sins i commit..
but do u know what my dad said next?
he said that in numerous hadiths it says that our prophet (s) said that parents have the right to break every bone in a child's body whenever they feel like it...
nauzubillah!!!!!
I said dad show me the proof! i said let's ring an alim right now and ask him! and he started coming to me to hit me and i said you have no right to hit me when i am defending my religion. and he told me not to bring religion into this.
he said that the hadith is true and then changed his words and said that the hadith says that "you can break the bones in ur childs body if they do something wrong". i gave up at that point and said OKAY DAD... IF YOU SAY SO... BUT LETS FIND OUT PROOF FIRST" and he started swearing at me and brought his fist to my face and said "MY MOTHER AND FATHER ABUSED US, AND I WILL ABUSE U, FORGET WHAT ISLAM SAYS, THIS IS THE TRADITION OF MY FAMILY AND YOU WILL ADHERE TO IT"

:grumbling

what should i do?

 

[AnonymousPoster]

oh yeah, remember when i said that he does occassionaly show love but he always takes payment? heres the example..

he offerred me some money to pay for some of my driving lessons a few weeks ago. i insisted and said no no no but then i had to agree because if i dont take it, he hits me and says that i do acting and i am a bad child. so i took it.. and today he told me that has done many favours on me, so tomorrow he wants me to return every penny to him or else he'll kick me out..