Can I...

  • Thread starter Thread starter Lonely Gal
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:sl: Your unhappy for a reason..you dont trust him your not happy with him, like you said he doesnt spend time with you, people arent unhappy for no reason so yes islamically you can divorce,

Sister you sound so confused so before saying you want a divorce talk to him and try to sort it out, i hate cheaters and dont understand people who tolerate this disgusting practise but you dont sound sure yourself.
 
I no I am unsure.. I dont have proof jus suspicions.. that why i want Allah swt to guide me..
i aint considering divorce yet but if he cheatin then sadly I dont see anythin else..
 
Ok why don't youstart by giving us a list or some details of things you suspect he is doing ? It could simply anxiety on your part ?

Example..Talking to certain people in facebook ? Mysterious phonecalls ? He goes out without telling here he is for long periods of time ?
 
:sl: I hope that you are ok. You have been given some very good sound advice. Can i ask you the outcome of the istikhaara.? I have been thinking about you and your situation and today as it was jumma i made special dua for........ I know what you are going through, one thing came into my mind and that was that you do not have children, so if you do decide to make a break there will be no children to suffer. But you got to sort this out, if talking about it makes him more mad and causes arguements, and he is turning around and blaming you etc etc then do something practical. That way you have the evidence, but do not go to him first, go to family/imaam any other trustworthy person tell them and then confront him. This would be my advice to you at the moment.:w::bump::bump:
Lonely Gal said:
I know divorce is not accepted properly, but ifs not meant to be and there is no happiness, surely one should call it off as both parties are not benefitting and I end up causing more sin wich i do not want to do..
I know divorce is only as a last resort, thats y i want to be 1000% sure abt whats going on
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I really can't quite understand how she was counselled to pray Istikhara. She's 16, besotted, with a guy whose nationality is about as alien to her family as someone from Planet of the Apes, and probably can't even fully sustain himself on his own let alone a wife.
 
Are you sure you got the right girl???????????
nocturnal said:
I really can't quite understand how she was counselled to pray Istikhara. She's 16, besotted, with a guy whose nationality is about as alien to her family as someone from Planet of the Apes, and probably can't even fully sustain himself on his own let alone a wife.
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:hmm:
 
nocturnal said:
I really can't quite understand how she was counselled to pray Istikhara. She's 16, besotted, with a guy whose nationality is about as alien to her family as someone from Planet of the Apes, and probably can't even fully sustain himself on his own let alone a wife.
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o.O

Did I miss something ?
 
sister i totally feel for you and i will remeber you in my duas ad hope that inshallah it is not true. like mentioned before , nothing stays hidden, if what you believe is true (which i hope isnt) it will come out dont worry. but sister i know its hard but just trust ur hubby, and love him 2 max because these suspicns will only drift u apart from him, and i know its hard but just try. :sunny:
 
:sl: So how is it going? have you prayed Istikhaara?:w::):)
Lonely Gal said:
I no I am unsure.. I dont have proof jus suspicions.. that why i want Allah swt to guide me..
i aint considering divorce yet but if he cheatin then sadly I dont see anythin else..
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guys guys guys.. im 23, not 16..
this is the story, not only am i suspicious of him but also we are very different from each other, he cannot understand why i am independant and as he has come from acountry that the man is in control, he cannot digest any different from that..
he screws at me for going to sleep, for forgettin to bring the water on the odd occasions, spendin over an hr at a frends house when shes just lost her mum, wanting to see a car before i buy it, not eatin cos im not hungry.. its soo many petty things i cant get my head around..
i feel suffocated in my home, i have to tiptoe on everythin i do or say.
I agree i have faults but for someone who has to look at everything ting thing they do, its very difficult..
theres alot more tings but i wont go into that, as a 3rd person will not really understand what is happenin.

as for the doubts, he no longer leaves his phone lying around and always delete his call list, before he used to have calls at least one a day, now u look at the list and its one from many days ago..
he speaks to a family member and wen i walk in they go quiet and one will wonder off..
they smile at each other, sittin across the room.. hw can i wife take that her hubby is smilin at another woman and its that kinda diff smile, he never does that with me.

the night i prayed isktikhara, the only ting dat happened was i dreamt i was happy with another man that was not my husband.. dunno if this is bad or what, but thats wat happened,
my parents knows how petty he is and have sed to him to change but nuttin major has happened. now his mother has come from Pak to visit so not much talkin between me and parents will happen.
I dont no what to ask for, i will not deny, that the way i have felt is sooo low that i have wanted to escape life and get away from all this. Yesterday was another emotional day, i tried to talk to my dad and he just brushed me off sayin we will talk later, this means never cos he will not ask me at a later date, he will just ignore and i will not go to him again. When he brushed me off like that i felt sooo hurt i cant explain.
Its jus me and Allah swt. He can help me and he will inshAllah. I was close to prayin that i get out of this relationship but then i tink is this is what Allah wants then this is what will be.. I pray that if its meant to be with hubby then, give me peace and happiness, or if its not meant to be, then let it be over with quickly cos ive always thorts once im married i def will not be committin sin like i was before, but i still seem to be committin sin and dont want to be, i really want to live life the right way and do good without committin sin. Thats why sometimes i think it best for both of us if we go our own ways without any hard feelings.. he could be happier with someone else, and so could I.. its just like we're two opposites that will never connect and understand each other fuly.
if i keep saying yes to everything he says then all is well, the moment i speak my mind or say somethin that he dont like or is not how he thinks then hells breaks loose.
he tells me i should think lik this and in such a way,, but that is not me.. why is he tryna change me, and how i tink..
ppl i dont no what ur views arre on abt all this, but only me him and Allah swt really know.
I ask you please, whether u tink im in the right or wrong to pray for me and somehow bring happiness and sakoon into my life.. all i want is happiness and live a proper married life with someone i love and hu loves me, and care for each other dearly, without petty arguements.. please pray..that i stop committin more sin thru this marriage,, i dont no how much more i can take..
 
Ok,

I have a few questions, don't answer if you feel uncomfortable about them ok ?

1. Were you 'forced' to marry this man ?
2. Is he natively from UK or Pakistan ?
3. Has he ever physically abused you or sworn at you without good reason ?
4. Have you approached your elders about this ? Talk to as many elders as possible, that should get their attention. There are certain steps you are supposed to take before even considering divorce, it's part of our faith after all. Google it =)

This is my opinion on the matter, so please do not take offense, I don't want to hurt your feelings.

From the sounds of things I'm quite shocked that your parents have married you to such a disrespectful and arrogant man, despite them realising it themselves! What were they honestly thinking, I'm appauled, it sounds like they were trying to simply get rid of you rather than do what was in your best interest.

Of course as Muslims we must respect and obey our parents, but this does not extend to our choice of partner. The prophet himself said this.

The Prophet (pbuh) was once approached by a young woman who told him tha ehr father forced her to marry her cousin to increase his social standing. The prophet said that the marriage was invalid becuase she was forced and that she was eligable for annulment. This simply means that Islam does not allow forced marriages.

I'm going off assumptions here, so forgive me if I'm missing the point. If you weren't forced then I think the problem lies with your actual relationship, I will get back to you if that is the case.

From the sounds of your Isthikhara Prayer it seems like Allah is guiding you towards another man in the distant future, again I'm assuming the dream was accurate. Regardless of everything else, remember one thing, keep your prayers regular and your heart clean and I'm more than sure that Allah will show you the right way =) There is no doubt Allah is always wathcing over you and cares about you.

Do not be disheartened no matter what !
You are in my Dua's sister, I pray you resolve things happily soon.
Usman
 
This was mum and dad's choice, I originally said no as I wanted someone with more understanding and on my level, but with the emotional black mail etc, i decided to go tru with this for the happiness of my parents. I started to get to know him and he sounded fine and i thought id give it my best shot with him. It was very difficult for me to be a loving and caring wife to someone who i was not and am not attracted to, we prob dint have a great start to the marriage but i apologiesed and sed to him I will change, this happend and id do as much as i could but he picks at such tiny tings, i just dont understand him. i honestly beleive his is an attention seeking, controlling typa person.
I dont blame my parents a whole deal, as i do beleive they wanted best for me in the long run, and they thought this was the best move, and i hoped it would be too.. i wanted this to work so i could be happy and keep my parents happy.
he is from pakistan and knows very little abt england and english. thats not the prob tho, its his lil moans over everythin.. I went to help a cuz yesterday and he kept sayin lets go but i was helpin how cud i be rude and up and leave. on way home, i got a tellin off from him cos i shudnt av stayed so long, i shud av made an excuse to get out.. and then he moaned that i was walkin too fast!!! omg Allah give me strength!
my parents know how niggly he is over things. and they told him to change. he was rude to my dad wich i believe my dad hasnt fogiven him for.
My parents are aware im not happy but they are just avoidin the topic so that we don't have that 'talk'.
I lost it one day and told my parents everythin, he said he wont screw abt netin. before he used to get in mood, now he just says his peice and gets better with me.. but why does he pick on such silly and pathetic things???
he never hit me or sworn, but he driven me to and thats not me.. kasam im not the person i used to be, i used to calm and collected, hardly shout, now im always screwin and dnt talk calmly. This is doing no1 any good. it really aint..

I keep prayin for my sanity, I know I have not always been in prayer but all i want is to be on the right path and happiness. i really do.. cant explain hw much i yearn for this... i cry in prayer, to bed jus wantin this to go away..
i dont just think form my point of view,.. mayb im more in the wrong, maybe as a wife i shud be doin all these things he says without me thinkin twice so i praydo whats best for him as well.
 
Lonely Gal said:
This was mum and dad's choice, I originally said no as I wanted someone with more understanding and on my level, but with the emotional black mail etc, i decided to go tru with this for the happiness of my parents. I started to get to know him and he sounded fine and i thought id give it my best shot with him. It was very difficult for me to be a loving and caring wife to someone who i was not and am not attracted to, we prob dint have a great start to the marriage but i apologiesed and sed to him I will change, this happend and id do as much as i could but he picks at such tiny tings, i just dont understand him. i honestly beleive his is an attention seeking, controlling typa person.
I dont blame my parents a whole deal, as i do beleive they wanted best for me in the long run, and they thought this was the best move, and i hoped it would be too.. i wanted this to work so i could be happy and keep my parents happy.
he is from pakistan and knows very little abt england and english. thats not the prob tho, its his lil moans over everythin.. I went to help a cuz yesterday and he kept sayin lets go but i was helpin how cud i be rude and up and leave. on way home, i got a tellin off from him cos i shudnt av stayed so long, i shud av made an excuse to get out.. and then he moaned that i was walkin too fast!!! omg Allah give me strength!
my parents know how niggly he is over things. and they told him to change. he was rude to my dad wich i believe my dad hasnt fogiven him for.
My parents are aware im not happy but they are just avoidin the topic so that we don't have that 'talk'.
I lost it one day and told my parents everythin, he said he wont screw abt netin. before he used to get in mood, now he just says his peice and gets better with me.. but why does he pick on such silly and pathetic things???
he never hit me or sworn, but he driven me to and thats not me.. kasam im not the person i used to be, i used to calm and collected, hardly shout, now im always screwin and dnt talk calmly. This is doing no1 any good. it really aint..

I keep prayin for my sanity, I know I have not always been in prayer but all i want is to be on the right path and happiness. i really do.. cant explain hw much i yearn for this... i cry in prayer, to bed jus wantin this to go away..
i dont just think form my point of view,.. mayb im more in the wrong, maybe as a wife i shud be doin all these things he says without me thinkin twice so i praydo whats best for him as well.
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It sounds like you did what you thought was best, which is admirable. You respected your parents and did what made them happy. However, remember that your choice of a life partner ultimately lies with you before your parents happiness. As muslims they should have realised this. Your consent was given but it was given by virtue of emotional blackmail, so in my honest opinon it was a forced marriage. Not sure if any other brothers and sisters here agree with me.

Everything you've described is domestic in nature. There's no abuse, verbal or physical. It feels like a clash of personalities more than anything else. He seems like a very dominating type of person, and you're the type that needs her space and idependance occasionally. He isn't respecting your space when he should.

Talk to him and explain exactly what it is that you don't like, so he gets a clear understanding of how he should compromise. Marriage is about compromise first. You're not even attracted to this man, I think this is very important in any relationship especially in the long run. He clearly doesn't respect your parents either!

You need to re-evaluate things, and ask yourself do you want to have children with this man and live the rest of your life like this, unattracted and unloved? You do not want to end up having the kind of relationship where it becomes 'about the children' and nothing else. Mercy and love should exist between a husband and wife's hearts.

Fee Iman Allah,
Usman
 
ive said it all to him, but he thinks if theres love in a relationship then i shud behave in the way he suggests..
my head just hurts from going over and over things..
 
Lonely Gal said:
ive said it all to him, but he thinks if theres love in a relationship then i shud behave in the way he suggests..
my head just hurts from going over and over things..
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Sounds like he's unwilling to compromise for you sister, and it appears you have tried exhasutingly hard too. If I read your post properly then he expects you to change and not himself..that sounds more like ownership than marriage, possibly a mentality he's adopted from Pakistan.

Excuse me for sounding rude, but that's a very selfsih and self-centered attitude to adopt, especially against ones own wife. However I think you should keep a forgiving and caring behaviour towards him despite his attitude. Just because he 'nit-picks' at small things doesn't mean your personality should change right ? You're patient, caring and understanding (if I read your above post correctly) and have changed since marriage. None of that should change. Perhaps if you show him that you care and will change for him he will do the same, take the first step ?

Do not give up any hope just yet, keep trying to talk to him, don't let him drop the subject! Your happiness should be paramount to him. Surely there is a peaceful solution here.

Inshallah things will improve,
Usman
 
I do feel as if he wants the need to be in control all the time and everythin be abt him. An independant person like me cannot change and become dependant on him... it just cannot happen..
I try lettin go of things but it really hard, how can i behave normal after everything and whilst it still happens?
I did change and tried to do everything his way, so why cant he change and stop tryna make me into somethin im not.
he says he cant live without me, but sadly its hard to believe..
Pray things get better.. please..
thanks for all ur advice.. :o)
 
Lonely Gal said:
I do feel as if he wants the need to be in control all the time and everythin be abt him. An independant person like me cannot change and become dependant on him... it just cannot happen..
I try lettin go of things but it really hard, how can i behave normal after everything and whilst it still happens?
I did change and tried to do everything his way, so why cant he change and stop tryna make me into somethin im not.
he says he cant live without me, but sadly its hard to believe..
Pray things get better.. please..
thanks for all ur advice.. :o)
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I am praying, as I'm sure all the other posters here are, for you ^o^!
I understand your dilemma, the only difference is I actually caught my fiance cheating. Did everything I could to try and salvage the situation but she did it again.

However your hubby isn't cheating, it sounds like you feel he just isn't 'right' for you. Doesn't see things the way you do, respect your space, make you feel loved/respected etc.

I suggest you do 1 of 2 things.

1. Keep at it, don't give up on him ! Change your expectations to match his, but at the same time make it clear to him if he doesn't change and compromise for you things will get difficult between you (which they are at the moment). Maybe you both just need more time to adjust to each other, even couples that are incredibly attracted to each other need time to adjust. There are always differences..

2. When you prayed Isthikhara, you saw a dream with another man right, and you were happy ? Allah will always guide you towards the right path, there is absolutely no doubt in this! I would take the dream as a sign and persue a way out of the relationship. Your miserable, upset and feel alone. You even cry in your prayers.. If you are certain you cannot be happy with him then find a way out as peacefully as possible. Remember to maintain your prayers throughout the day.

There you have it. Allah gave us the right and freedom to choose, so the choice is ultimately yours and nobody else's. I hope things are better for you in the future.

You are in my dua's, =),keep a strong heart, inshallah you will be happy!
Usman
 
Thank u for ur kinds words and support and help with all the advice given, May Allah swt reward u and make all your duas come tru.
 
You're most welcome, do keep me updated on how things go for you, I am sure things will turn out for the best,

Oh P.S. Something I read recently about Isthikhara..The prophet (pbuh) proposed to Zainab for marriage. She refused him, despite knowing he was the perfect man. She then went away and prayed Isthikhara about the proposal. Allah gave her an Ayat to show her the marriage was perfect for her. Then she accepted. This shows that Allah will always show you the correct path.

W-Salaam,
Usman.
 

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