Confised and in such dilemma? Need anyone's advice?

[imme]

Salaam everyone, im in need of all the advice I can get.
Im with this guy and we want to get married in the future, well engaged possibly soon. but the things is, I have kept this a secret from my parents as it would be very hard to inform them about my bf (we are both muslims but different castes).. As they don't know about my bf, they've been getting me marriage proposals from guys which I rejected many times, one of which is my far cousin, they really want me to get married to, everyone is happy and to see them happy makes me happy for a while but them I start feeling guilty as they all think I will say yes to my cousin, I feel like ive failed to be a good daughter. (I wouldn't of minded but im with my bf, I want to marry him).. so, I decided to tell them about my bf and they didn't take it well, they told me to cut all times with my bf, I said I will but im still talking to him cuz I really love him and want to be with him.. my dad didn't take it well either, he isn't talking to me, its been a whole week now, I feel bad.. I know, ive done wrong by keeping it a secret but everyone makes mistakes, ive sinned I know (Allah swt will never forgive me). They disagreed cuz of his caste and his family, for example, ,my parents don't know his family, she said, they might treat me bad and he will leave me for his family if something was to go wrong between us.. but I really cant leave him.. im 19, hes 24. Hes told his parents and they disagreed and said they don't want him to get married just yet.
I don't want to go against my parents wish but also don't want to leave him. im in a dilemma which is so hard for me to decide. I try to pray as much as I can, insh'Allah, im striving to become a better muslim, I will repent to Allah swt for all the wrongs I have done as now I have realised how much I am in the wrong and have sinned greatly. im a bad muslim, I know that but im repenting to Allah Swt in hope he shall forgive me as he is the greatest forgiver of them all.. I feel broken from the inside but I feel good when I know ive got Allah swt to help me through this dilemma..
I don't know what to do? I don't want to leave him or upset my family, my dad said to me not to break his trust and I feel like I am and im still committing a sin whilst doing this. I am also hoping to go university this year (Sep) but I am unsure if my dad would allow me.

Thank you everyone,
someone that needs advice

 

[Iceee]

Salaam.

Welcome to our forums. :welcome:

I will repent to Allah swt for all the wrongs I have done as now I have realised how much I am in the wrong and have sinned greatly. im a bad muslim,

Okay firstly, YOU MUST repent now, not later. And no, you are not a bad muslim. But what you have done went against the words of the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him). Because in the Quran, it mentions that zina is haram and a big sin. By committing zina, you went against Islam and this is your punishment. If you never did that, maybe everything would be okay. For example, your parents want you to marry a late cousin right?

marriage proposals from guys which I rejected many times, one of which is my far cousin, they really want me to get married to, everyone is happy and to see them happy makes me happy for a while but them I start feeling guilty as they all think I will say yes to my cousin, I feel like ive failed to be a good daughter. (I wouldn't of minded but im with my bf, I want to marry him

If you did not commit this immortal action, life would have been good. You would have got parents permission, your fiancee's proposal, and best, his parents permission. The best thing would have been marriage. Now fear Allah Subhanahuwatalllah, have patience, keep praying, Ramadan is approaching so fast all 29/30 days and make a decision. We cannot help you but tell you to have PATIENCE. Choose the one who you will benefit from. Choose someone who your parents like, who your parents approve of, and someone who will take care of you.

im 19, hes 24. Hes told his parents and they disagreed and said they don't want him to get married just yet.

 

[Muhaba]

You can get married to one of the guys your parents suggest now or you can wait forever for your bf - I doubt he'll ever marry you. he's already told you his parents don't accept.
either marry him now or break it off and marry someone else. otherwise you'll suffer later.

 

[sister herb]

Salam alaykum

You are still very young sister and you mentioned university. What if you try to go to study first and think this decision (of marriage) some years more.

If your bf really loves you, some more years means nothing to wait.

My best wishes to you, sister.

Ooops, also welcome to forum.

 

[greenhill]

Welcome to the forum and salaams to you.

This is your first love. Learn from it. You have a full life ahead. Don't stop at the first 'major' hurdle. Bf already said his family disagree to marriage. Move on is my advice. Study, give yourself a brighter future by completing the uni having learnt the complications of a relationship for this moment in time. Do istikharah?

 

[UmmuShaheed]

Asalamu Alaykum
^I couldn't agree more.
All I can add is make sure you set up a foundation for yourself. You'll be grateful you did.
And also, Allah has everything written for you.
"You may hate something which is good for you" so you never know, maybe this bf of yours isn't good for you. (No matter what your feelings tell you) and remember Allah has someone written for you. Don't rush it. Repent and make Istikhara

 

[~Zaria~]

Salaam everyone, im in need of all the advice I can get.
Im with this guy and we want to get married in the future, well engaged possibly soon. but the things is, I have kept this a secret from my parents as it would be very hard to inform them about my bf (we are both muslims but different castes).. As they don't know about my bf, they've been getting me marriage proposals from guys which I rejected many times, one of which is my far cousin, they really want me to get married to, everyone is happy and to see them happy makes me happy for a while but them I start feeling guilty as they all think I will say yes to my cousin, I feel like ive failed to be a good daughter. (I wouldn't of minded but im with my bf, I want to marry him).. so, I decided to tell them about my bf and they didn't take it well, they told me to cut all times with my bf, I said I will but im still talking to him cuz I really love him and want to be with him.. my dad didn't take it well either, he isn't talking to me, its been a whole week now, I feel bad.. I know, ive done wrong by keeping it a secret but everyone makes mistakes, ive sinned I know (Allah swt will never forgive me). They disagreed cuz of his caste and his family, for example, ,my parents don't know his family, she said, they might treat me bad and he will leave me for his family if something was to go wrong between us.. but I really cant leave him.. im 19, hes 24. Hes told his parents and they disagreed and said they don't want him to get married just yet.
I don't want to go against my parents wish but also don't want to leave him. im in a dilemma which is so hard for me to decide. I try to pray as much as I can, insh'Allah, im striving to become a better muslim, I will repent to Allah swt for all the wrongs I have done as now I have realised how much I am in the wrong and have sinned greatly. im a bad muslim, I know that but im repenting to Allah Swt in hope he shall forgive me as he is the greatest forgiver of them all.. I feel broken from the inside but I feel good when I know ive got Allah swt to help me through this dilemma..
I don't know what to do? I don't want to leave him or upset my family, my dad said to me not to break his trust and I feel like I am and im still committing a sin whilst doing this. I am also hoping to go university this year (Sep) but I am unsure if my dad would allow me.

Thank you everyone,
someone that needs advice

sister,


1. Try to understand that your parents only want that which is best for you.
Right now, you may not be able to fully appreciate this, as they are going against what you desire - but in shaa Allah, with time, you will be able to see the situation through their eyes - that they only hope, for the type of husband for you, who is strong in imaan and who will treat you well.

Very often, we do not truly realize the wisdom behind our parents decisions for us. Sometimes, it may only be years later that we may look back and understand just how much their actions were motivated out of the type of love that only a parent can feel for his/ her child ( and not the desire to hurt us).

2. Alhamdulillah, you have not lost hope in the mercy of Allah (subhanawataála).
However, one of the pre-requisites for obtaining Allahs forgiveness is that we feel an intense sorrow/ remorse for our actions. And as a result of this remorse, we distance ourselves away from that which has caused the displeasure of Allah.
By continuing to make contact with your bf, would mean that even though you acknowledge that this is incurring Allah's displeasure, you are not willing to forsake a worldly/ temporary desire for the sake of your Creator, and for the sake of your eternal abode in the Hereafter.

So, it is thus necessary to end all contact with your bf - and then, turn to Allah in sincere repentance. And in this manner, Allah Taa'la is ever forgiving, Most merciful.

For Allah Most High, says,

"Say: "O my Servants who have transgressed against their souls! Despair not of the Mercy of Allah. for Allah forgives all sins: for He is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.
Turn ye to our Lord (in repentance) and bow to His (Will), before the Penalty comes on you: after that ye shall not be helped" (Az-Zumar, 39:53-54).


3. When a person gives up something that they love, purely for the sake of Allah, He blesses them with such sweetness of imaan, and in shaa Allah, such rewards that may otherwise, have been denied in this life.

Think about how much Allah (subhanawata'la) loves you, and how much He continues to provide you with, from His mercy.
Can the love/lust felt for another human being, ever compare to the love of Allah?

The love of Allah and His Rasul (sallahu alaihi wasalam) should precede that of anything else in this world.
Then only, can we ever achieve success, both in this world and the hereafter.


4. Finally my sister, ask yourself: How much blessings will Allah bestow on a marriage that is founded on haraam beginnings - incurring His displeasure from the very start, and one that does not bring happiness to ones parents?
There are many marriages that are ending in divorce today, my dear sister.
The reasons for this are diverse, but often, an important factor in these marriages is: neglecting the commands of Allah (either before the marriage or during the marriage).

Sister, in view of the above, I suggest:

If you seriously desire marriage to your bf, then he should approach your wali (your dad) directly in this regard.
If your parents still refuse, after having the chance to meet him personally, then you should trust that there is greater good behind this decision (even if you cannot see it at present).

Allah (subhanawataála) tells us:

"But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not." (Quran 2:16)

^ Have complete trust in this, and remind yourself that your knowledge of the future is limited, but Allah (subhanwataála) is all Aware of that which lies ahead.

As mentioned above, you are still young - so, use this time to develop yourself by obtaining skills, that will in shaa Allah, be of benefit to you in the course of your life.
While it is not incumbent on a woman to work, seeking knowledge is prescribed for both men and women.....and should you ever be in the position where you need to support yourself oneday, then you would already have made provisions for this.


May Allah Taa'la grant all that is best for you.
Ameen


:wasalam:

 

[Futuwwa]

Okay firstly, YOU MUST repent now, not later. And no, you are not a bad muslim. But what you have done went against the words of the Prophet (Peace Be Upon Him). Because in the Quran, it mentions that zina is haram and a big sin. By committing zina, you went against Islam and this is your punishment. If you never did that, maybe everything would be okay. For example, your parents want you to marry a late cousin right?

Brother, she never said anything about having done zina. You should not assume things.

 

[Hamza Asadullah]

Salaam everyone, im in need of all the advice I can get.
Im with this guy and we want to get married in the future, well engaged possibly soon. but the things is, I have kept this a secret from my parents as it would be very hard to inform them about my bf (we are both muslims but different castes).. As they don't know about my bf, they've been getting me marriage proposals from guys which I rejected many times, one of which is my far cousin, they really want me to get married to, everyone is happy and to see them happy makes me happy for a while but them I start feeling guilty as they all think I will say yes to my cousin, I feel like ive failed to be a good daughter. (I wouldn't of minded but im with my bf, I want to marry him).. so, I decided to tell them about my bf and they didn't take it well, they told me to cut all times with my bf, I said I will but im still talking to him cuz I really love him and want to be with him.. my dad didn't take it well either, he isn't talking to me, its been a whole week now, I feel bad.. I know, ive done wrong by keeping it a secret but everyone makes mistakes, ive sinned I know (Allah swt will never forgive me). They disagreed cuz of his caste and his family, for example, ,my parents don't know his family, she said, they might treat me bad and he will leave me for his family if something was to go wrong between us.. but I really cant leave him.. im 19, hes 24. Hes told his parents and they disagreed and said they don't want him to get married just yet.
I don't want to go against my parents wish but also don't want to leave him. im in a dilemma which is so hard for me to decide. I try to pray as much as I can, insh'Allah, im striving to become a better muslim, I will repent to Allah swt for all the wrongs I have done as now I have realised how much I am in the wrong and have sinned greatly. im a bad muslim, I know that but im repenting to Allah Swt in hope he shall forgive me as he is the greatest forgiver of them all.. I feel broken from the inside but I feel good when I know ive got Allah swt to help me through this dilemma..
I don't know what to do? I don't want to leave him or upset my family, my dad said to me not to break his trust and I feel like I am and im still committing a sin whilst doing this. I am also hoping to go university this year (Sep) but I am unsure if my dad would allow me.

Thank you everyone,
someone that needs advice

My sister firstly you must realise that you are committing a major sin by remaining in such a relationship. Our first priority in life must be to fulfill our obligations unto Allah and to please him in anyway that we can and not avoid that which may anger and displease him. Surely being in such a forbidden relationship is that which is causing the anger and displeasure of Allah. Therefore you will not gain any peace of mind by remaining in such a situation. Surely death can take us at any moment. Then if that is the case then how would we answer to Allah for any major sin that we are committing if we die in such a state? This alone should make us leave any major sin we are committing immediately.

Secondly think of this from your parents perspective. They raised you from birth having hopes and aspirations for you not only to succeed in this world but also the next. They watched you grow up from birth and have always seen you as their loving daughter and so it must be extremely hurtful for them to find out their child has been committing such a major sin being involved in a premarital relationship. Inevitabley they will never see you in the same light again as you have lost their trust and that is why they would not trust you to go to University especially as such places are rampant in free mixing and premarital relationships.

Also my sister i do not wish to offend you but you are still young and therefore naive in such a situation. Although you may think you are in love but it is in fact lust. For Allah only puts true love into the hearts of a married couple if he so wills. You must also realise that you are living in sin. So not only are your parents not happy with you but nor is Allah unless you cut off contact with him and repent. But you must never say that Allah will never forgive you. If he can forgive the worst sin of all shirk as long as a person leaves it and repents, then surely he will forgive you if you leave such a sin and repent, for he loves to forgive and even looks for every excuse to forgive his slaves. So he wants to forgive you but you must take decisive action and cut off relations with him immediately and ask of Allah sincerely with remorse with full conviction never to repeat such a sin again and you will find Allah most forgiving.

Also sister there is no guarantee that he will even remain with you even if you are defiant in wanting to stay with him. Most of these relationships do not work. That is a fact. Much of the time the couple will be in a dream world and think it is us vs the world etc. But in reality such a relationship will not only cause much pain and anguish but will waste much time and worst of all anger and displease Allah and also the parents. Your parents are suffering right now the longer you remain in this relationship. You are doing yourself much harm.

You are only for your married partner. Not a strange man who is nothing to you. So cut off all relations with him and ask of Allah sincerely and make isthikhara and whatever is best will happen. Trust in Allah and leave every decision with him for surely he knows best and will guide you as to the best path.

Also Ramadan is around the corner and it is a perfect time for all of us to stop every major sin we are committing so that we may make the best of this most valuable month and renew our faith and get closer to Allah. Believe me in the future when you look back you will realise what a mistake this was so do not pursue this any longer. Think about the displeasure of Allah and your parents and save your valuable time for you may not have much time left. Think about your Hereafter and prepare now for Ramadan by stopping this major sin.

I hope the following helps:

How to get through the pain of a pre-marital relationship

http://www.islamicboard.com/advice-...et-through-pain-pre-marital-relationship.html