Conflict with Friend

[faithandpeace]

Assalamu alaikum everyone. I have a concern I would like to address here and insha'Allah some brothers and sisters here can give advice. There is a friend of mine who I have known for about a year who I told of my conversion to Islam a few months ago. She seemed supportive at the time yet nervous about it as well demonstrating fear over becoming exposed to extremism in the community. She is married to a man from Iran whose family is supposedly Muslim. He moved to the United States and left Islam. I have not been judgmental towards her regarding her husband's decision to leave Islam as that is between him and Allah (swt). I was surprised to hear that alhamdulillah about a month ago she decided to embrace Islam herself upon taking the Shahada. I had already discussed previously to her my interest in attending one of the masjid's intro to Islam classes that cater towards new Muslims, non-Muslims interested in studying Islam, and Muslims who need a refresher course on Islam.

In the past few weeks, she seems to have developed paranoia about extremism and terrorism and has emotionally reactive outbursts anytime a topic comes up that according to her is contraversial or makes her uncomfortable. As both of us are relatively new Muslimahs I have offered to help her by being a friend and working on our deen that we may both insha'Allah grow in Islam together. Instead, she seems to be doing everything she can to work against me. I don't think she has an accurate understanding of Islam. She keeps pushing such concepts as "open-mindedness" on me and referencing Sufism and Shi'a Islam which she says her husband's family follows and tries to promote these paths toward me. I have never that I recall become sectarian with her (as Islam is against divisions) yet I have also made it very clear that my intentions regarding myself growing in the deen is to grow as Allah (swt) wants me to grow in Islam and not any form of Islam-lite or watered down Islam that contains concepts and practices not authorized by the Qur'an or the Sunnah. She does not ask for my guidance in any help that she needs but instead seems to keep trying to liberalize my beliefs and practices or otherwise demonstrate no support for them. She has not used an Arabic word yet (even says God instead of Allah), demonstrates no interest in Arabic sayings that are essential to Islam, demonstrates no interest in hijab and has criticized my interest in wearing hijab on a full-time basis and seems uncomfortable around me in public when I'm wearing hijab and sometimes abaya, demonstrates no interest in salat to the point of not doing salat with the other sisters after class when everyone else is doing salat, demonstrates no interest in sharia to the point of expressing her opposition for sharia. She became upset when she found out I bought a niqab even though I told her I had no intentions of wearing it on a regular basis as it is not required, and she was unconfortable around Saudi sisters who were wearing niqab and seemed concerned that I was associating with them as they appeared "extremist."

And it gets worse. She goes and reports one of the sisters in the class to the teacher because she felt the sister sounded "radical" and "extremist." The sister never said or did anything illegal. Now she is making accusations against me telling me that my hijab and Middle Eastern clothing makes me look like a "Wahhabi." She stormed out of a restaurant because the content of my conversation apparently made her uncomfortable. Apparently I had said some things critical of Western culture and she started yelling at me that I have no right to speak that way "when I am dressed the way I am (i.e. in hijab/Middle Eastern clothing)." She of course had taken off her hijab the moment she left masjid and would not wear it in the restaurant with me and obviously was uncomfortable that I was wearing it. She talks about how Iranians stay away from masjids here in the U.S. because they "feel uncomfortable." It seems clear to me that she has some very distorted ideas on Islam and is trying to create divisions. I apologized for making her uncomfortable yet she still acted childish and ran away. So I ignored her. Then she calls me up to talk about it now saying I make her uncomfortable at the masjid yet can't give a reason why other than to accuse me of having gossipped about her and her husband which I did not. She then insisted that she believes I have become a radical extremist and that she doesn't know who I am associating with or "what groups I am involved with." She went as far as to state "If you are involved with what I think you are involved with" but then refused to clarify.

She used to be a good friend of mine but now seems to have become ridiculous and severely disturbed. I have never supported anything illegal, I don't feel I have acted inappropriately in public with her, she now accuses me of putting her husband's and her life in danger because of my "radical opinions" yet she doesn't even clarify what these alleged opinions even are. She doesn't even want me over at the masjid in the class with her and will probably report me to the teacher next if she hasn't already. It sounds to me like she has let too much nonsense from the TV media get to her head combined with emotional and psychiatric issues of paranoia and irrational phobias. At the end of the last conversation I told her that I was willing to be her friend but that she needs to calm down and that I would make a greater effort to avoid any political discussion of any kind that supposedly makes her uncomfortable. Personally, I find this weird as there is no separation of church and state in Islam. Given her childish behavior and serious accusations against me combined with her violating the trust of the community by tattling on fellow Muslims accusing them of being radical extremists when they aren't breaking any laws, I think that I should officially sever ties with her. I hate to do this but it seems like she is trying to harm me and harm the Islamic community. I am not one to normally doubt someone's shahada or their intentions on embracing Islam but I do not think she is approaching any of this in a healthy manner. She said she is going to turn in anyone she believes is "extremist." Personally, I think the masjid should ban her because she seems to be there solely for the purpose of causing trouble. Her statements about Islam have clearly invalidated her shahada as well but should I even politely suggest to her that she has stepped outside of Islam, she will continue to brand me as a "fundamentalist Muslim."

It's crazy and I'm sick of it! Jazakallah khair for any advice.

 

[Hulk]

If you two are attending the same religious class with the same teacher then maybe you can ask the teacher to intermediate to help resolve any misunderstanding.

 

[faithandpeace]

I could try that. However, I would prefer to avoid bringing drama into the masjid if possible. All of these interactions I have had with her have taken place outside of the masjid. At the masjid she avoids conversation with everyone to the point of standing/sitting by herself while waiting for class to begin instead of chatting with the other sisters. After class she leaves in a hurry and will not go and do salat with the others. She seems afraid of everyone. It makes no sense that she wants to be Muslim and yet is fearful of Muslims. She would not even interact with me there and so I ignored her and then she called after I was home. It is looking more like I need to sever ties with her but I hate to do that.

 

[Muhaba]

She is obviously being misguided by her apostate husband. The thing is that when a woman becomes muslim, her marriage to a nonmuslim automatically gets annulled. so she is no longer the apostate's wife. It is possible that he tells her things that make her phobic.

I believe you should sever ties with her. Tell her that her behavior is radical and extremist as well as weird and you can't be friends with such extremist or trouble-making people until they change. You might want to give her some books about moderate Islam (if she accepts) because Islam is a religion of moderation and there is no place for extremism of any sort. Change your phone number and avoid her in class. If she tries to speak you after you've told her politely that you will no longer speak to her or discuss anything with her, then inform the teacher.

 

[faithandpeace]

Jazakallah khair for your response. Yes I think the best thing to do is to cease communication with her outside of the masjid. Inside the masjid I do have the obligation to treat her respectfully as I would treat any sister, brother, or non-Muslim who chooses to be there. I do think a lot of her distortions are coming from both her apostate husband and from television which she says she watches a lot of. I feel bad though in a way because I was delighted when I heard she reverted and was surprised at the effect my little bit of da'wah had as she probably would not have become Muslim had it not been for me embracing it and therefore calling attention to Islam in her mind. Of course, only Allah (swt) can guide someone to the truth.

When I took shahada I was warned that there would be opposition against me trying to separate me from my imaan. Her statements and actions demonstrate that her intentions regarding my own growth in the deen are impure and impious. Someone at the masjid, for instance, had complimented me on my abaya and then when the sister left, she became upset that she didn't compliment her on her appearance (yet her appearance did not even meet the dress code etiquette in the first place). So it seems like there are ego and jealousy problems on her end because I and others are more than happy to help guide her but it is impossible if she has inappropriate emotional reactions every time. It is weird that she will not socialize with the other sisters, won't do salat with them after class, yet several times has held conversations with the brothers, won't wear hijab properly and won't take anyone's polite advice, won't use Arabic but instead keeps bringing up Farsi, and obviously people also wonder why her husband never shows up to support her. Given that she is new to Islam, I am sure that nobody will be judgmental against her for any of these things as it is only the obligation of me and others to sincerely help her grow in the deen. Yet when she chooses to be willfully ignorant and blatantly disregards and opposes anyone's advice or corrections, then it indicates a problem with her that nobody else is able to fix. As much as I want to see her grow in the deen, if she continues this behavior and mindset, I really don't think she is going to last there for very long.

As for her paranoia about extremist Muslims, since she doesn't even seem willing to learn what real Islam is, naturally she won't have an accurate understanding on what is Islam and what Islam is not. Her statements have indicated that to her "moderate Islam" is secular Islam where Islam can be anything you want it to be, she can pray when she wants or not at all, believe whatever she wants, and do whatever she wants whenever she wants, and still call herself a Muslim. A Muslim merely stating that the Five Pillars are obligatory, hijab is required, and that the Qur'an is the complete word of Allah (swt) obviously is an extremist to her.

So I'm glad I voiced my concerns here. I do hate to stir drama but I believe I have reached my decision. At masjid, I will be polite and courteous to her as I would anyone else there but nothing extra. Outside of masjid, she is no longer to have any contact with me.