Coping with Depression, stress and anger
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A(SMILE ITS ME)
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Re: Depressed.
Oh Me Again.
Q Is He A Practising Muslim.
Oh Me Again.
Q Is He A Practising Muslim.
Nicola
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Re: Depressed.
No I'm sorry,
I read information on here, and often when I use that information on a another thread thinking I've learnt something about Islamic law...I'm told by other Muslims that I am wrong :uhwhat ...makes me wonder who really does know what! I've seem that many variations on certain subjects. I can't understand where all this confusion comes from.
Peace
i swear i wasn't bein sarcasticffended:, i really didn't know that!
and for you my sister isra, please try to have patience (inna allah ma'a assabereen), you will be in my prayers and dua's i promise...
peace
ahmad
No I'm sorry,
I read information on here, and often when I use that information on a another thread thinking I've learnt something about Islamic law...I'm told by other Muslims that I am wrong :uhwhat ...makes me wonder who really does know what! I've seem that many variations on certain subjects. I can't understand where all this confusion comes from.
Peace
Allahs_slave
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Re: Depressed.
hello sister
This is not true Nicola, all the brothers and sisters would give the same answers, specially when its supported by the qoran or sunna, actually the thing i love about islam is that its all explained fully and nothing is contradicting to anything else. but in my case when i said that here in jordan youd see ppl marry without informing their first wives, it doesn't mean that they follow islam by doin this, aand the reason i was surprized lol is because my islamic knowledge is abit weak. anyway sorry i confused you ...
peace
ahmad
hello sister
This is not true Nicola, all the brothers and sisters would give the same answers, specially when its supported by the qoran or sunna, actually the thing i love about islam is that its all explained fully and nothing is contradicting to anything else. but in my case when i said that here in jordan youd see ppl marry without informing their first wives, it doesn't mean that they follow islam by doin this, aand the reason i was surprized lol is because my islamic knowledge is abit weak. anyway sorry i confused you ...
peace
ahmad
Nicola
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Re: Depressed.
I don't mean just about this issue...I mean other issues concerning e.g allowing lying..washing of hands.. Judas was cruified instead of Jesus etc...
I believe it's because some are new to the religion and still learning themselves so they do not fully understand the Quran and it's laws...
I have taken their words to be correct, when infact it is not...because when I later repeat it ..other Muslims tell me I'm wrong.
that is what I am meaning.
sorry for the confusion.
Peace
I don't mean just about this issue...I mean other issues concerning e.g allowing lying..washing of hands.. Judas was cruified instead of Jesus etc...
I believe it's because some are new to the religion and still learning themselves so they do not fully understand the Quran and it's laws...
I have taken their words to be correct, when infact it is not...because when I later repeat it ..other Muslims tell me I'm wrong.
that is what I am meaning.
sorry for the confusion.
Peace
Re: Depressed.
If you throw a straw to a drowning man, he will try to clutch it to save himself. Similarly when your husband showed you whatever feelings he has for you, you clutched at them, mistaking them for love. But love isn't about giving you compliments, finding you attractive and whatever. It is about respect and giving you your rights as a wife too. Anything less isn't love sweetheart, but mere convenience. How can someone who denies you your rights love you?
I don't know what the situation of the other wife is, but maybe he doesnt want his kids to lack anything and therefore gives them what he earns. Maybe he even feels guilty about 'leaving' his wife and sees the money as compensation for bringing another wife (you) on her.
Whatever the reason is, you are not being treated equally. One of your rights as a wife is maintenance. That is food, shelter, and clothing. Because the other wife has two children, I think the split of income cannot be equal and I suggest you consult an imaan about what you are entitled to. He must give you give you a share and you may (if willing) supplement your living expenses with your earnings. He cannot be made to spend beyond his means and you are not entitled to make unreasonable demands.
If you lack knowledge of deen, then it will be hard, even impossible, to make your husband see his failings. Increase your knowledge on what Allah has ordained for muslims and share this with your husband. If you can, cut down your working hours and get to know some practicing muslim sisters, then through them, get their husbands to invite your husband to learn about Islam;including his duties as a husband. Once he realises the seriousness of his shortcomings, inshaAllah your situation will improve. The flirting will also stop as will the injustice you are suffering. You must also strive to practice as not only will the blessings of Allah be with you, but it will propel your husband to think about what he is doing to a good muslim wife.
The Qur'an states: "And among His signs is that He created for you mates
from among yourselves that you may live in tranquillity with them, and
He has put love and mercy between you; Verily, in that are signs for
people who reflect." (30:21)
God forbid, your situation stays as it is, but if so, you don't need to remain in this marriage. Ask Allah sincerely for help and guidance. Remember, we are closest to Allah in the state of salah. If it isn't meant to be then pray to Allah to grant you a pious loving husband who will know where his obligations lie. Only then you will find happiness and genuine marital bliss.
Here's a link which deals with the rights/duties of a husband/wife/polygamy etc. Please read it. Knowledge is power and it will strengthen your claims to your rights as a wife. Print out relevant bits and leave them around so that your husband sees them, don't shove them in his face. Something he reads may ignite curiousity in him to learn more and get the ball rolling.
http://www.faqs.org/faqs/islam-faq/part7/
Do what you can to please Allah as a muslimah and inshaAllah in turn He will reward you with His blessings and the happiness you've never known. I wish you much joy and happiness. May Allah have mercy on you. Ameen.
Salam sis,
If you throw a straw to a drowning man, he will try to clutch it to save himself. Similarly when your husband showed you whatever feelings he has for you, you clutched at them, mistaking them for love. But love isn't about giving you compliments, finding you attractive and whatever. It is about respect and giving you your rights as a wife too. Anything less isn't love sweetheart, but mere convenience. How can someone who denies you your rights love you?
I don't know what the situation of the other wife is, but maybe he doesnt want his kids to lack anything and therefore gives them what he earns. Maybe he even feels guilty about 'leaving' his wife and sees the money as compensation for bringing another wife (you) on her.
Whatever the reason is, you are not being treated equally. One of your rights as a wife is maintenance. That is food, shelter, and clothing. Because the other wife has two children, I think the split of income cannot be equal and I suggest you consult an imaan about what you are entitled to. He must give you give you a share and you may (if willing) supplement your living expenses with your earnings. He cannot be made to spend beyond his means and you are not entitled to make unreasonable demands.
If you lack knowledge of deen, then it will be hard, even impossible, to make your husband see his failings. Increase your knowledge on what Allah has ordained for muslims and share this with your husband. If you can, cut down your working hours and get to know some practicing muslim sisters, then through them, get their husbands to invite your husband to learn about Islam;including his duties as a husband. Once he realises the seriousness of his shortcomings, inshaAllah your situation will improve. The flirting will also stop as will the injustice you are suffering. You must also strive to practice as not only will the blessings of Allah be with you, but it will propel your husband to think about what he is doing to a good muslim wife.
I guess you are young and naive to believe that someone who loves you can cause you so much pain. If you see some hope from what I've written above then give it your best shot. If things improve, which I pray they do inshaAllah then strive to keep the peace and tranquility in your home. If nothing has changed within six months, then seriously ask yourself if you can live like this until God knows when and lose your sanity in the meantime. Allah has not meant for us to live unhappily.
The Qur'an states: "And among His signs is that He created for you mates
from among yourselves that you may live in tranquillity with them, and
He has put love and mercy between you; Verily, in that are signs for
people who reflect." (30:21)
God forbid, your situation stays as it is, but if so, you don't need to remain in this marriage. Ask Allah sincerely for help and guidance. Remember, we are closest to Allah in the state of salah. If it isn't meant to be then pray to Allah to grant you a pious loving husband who will know where his obligations lie. Only then you will find happiness and genuine marital bliss.
Here's a link which deals with the rights/duties of a husband/wife/polygamy etc. Please read it. Knowledge is power and it will strengthen your claims to your rights as a wife. Print out relevant bits and leave them around so that your husband sees them, don't shove them in his face. Something he reads may ignite curiousity in him to learn more and get the ball rolling.
http://www.faqs.org/faqs/islam-faq/part7/
Do what you can to please Allah as a muslimah and inshaAllah in turn He will reward you with His blessings and the happiness you've never known. I wish you much joy and happiness. May Allah have mercy on you. Ameen.
IbnAbdulHakim
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Re: Depressed.
My husband is a practicing muslim. I learned Islam through him, before we were married and he was my boss at work. I cannot cut back on my hours at work because he owns the store and we need to pay off all of our bills before we can cut back some.
he keeps racking up more bills though. he just sent $30,000 to them so they could buy a new house, while we're still renting our house here. I talked to his other wife on the phone and I told her I was making a hijab to send her adn she said no. She said just send her a new phone.
he only sends them things because he feels bad, I know. But I feel bad too. I don't want to bother him with my complaining because I love him and I don't want him to feel stress because of me too.
He always says I'm his partner, the one person who is always by his side and understands him 100%. and I try.
My husband is a practicing muslim. I learned Islam through him, before we were married and he was my boss at work. I cannot cut back on my hours at work because he owns the store and we need to pay off all of our bills before we can cut back some.
he keeps racking up more bills though. he just sent $30,000 to them so they could buy a new house, while we're still renting our house here. I talked to his other wife on the phone and I told her I was making a hijab to send her adn she said no. She said just send her a new phone.
he only sends them things because he feels bad, I know. But I feel bad too. I don't want to bother him with my complaining because I love him and I don't want him to feel stress because of me too.
He always says I'm his partner, the one person who is always by his side and understands him 100%. and I try.
syilla
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Re: Depressed.
B strong...
if you don't want him to divorce u...
Be the best wife...and pray to Allah that he'll be given hidayah and open his heart to change...
i know some wives... that get closer to Allah because of their irresponsible husband...Due to their patient... the husband change... to a better husband.
May Allah show u the way...
B strong...
if you don't want him to divorce u...
Be the best wife...and pray to Allah that he'll be given hidayah and open his heart to change...
i know some wives... that get closer to Allah because of their irresponsible husband...Due to their patient... the husband change... to a better husband.
May Allah show u the way...
Re: Depressed.
You should be worried
1) he hits on other girls (from what you said earlier)
2) Seems like his other wife comes first, then you. that is unjust.
3) Your not happy
Why is his other family away? I don't know if you already answered that or not... but i'm hoping he's not just using you for his own pleasures while his other wife and family that he is so devoted to is away.
I wish the best for you, and you know the situation better than me so disregard any falseness that i might have said. But please be careful... I know people like this, they are called "players", and they are veryyy good at makin girls fall in love with them... and i hate seeing girls fall for it then getting their hearts broken. I can tell you stories about it, but i wont get into that... but ya, just be careful and make sure you are happy and treated as an equal. And tell him to stop hitting on other girls!
Kavon
You should be worried
1) he hits on other girls (from what you said earlier)
2) Seems like his other wife comes first, then you. that is unjust.
3) Your not happy
Why is his other family away? I don't know if you already answered that or not... but i'm hoping he's not just using you for his own pleasures while his other wife and family that he is so devoted to is away.
I wish the best for you, and you know the situation better than me so disregard any falseness that i might have said. But please be careful... I know people like this, they are called "players", and they are veryyy good at makin girls fall in love with them... and i hate seeing girls fall for it then getting their hearts broken. I can tell you stories about it, but i wont get into that... but ya, just be careful and make sure you are happy and treated as an equal. And tell him to stop hitting on other girls!
Kavon
Muhammad Waqqas
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Re: Depressed.
There is no problem, and so, no solution.
Average life span of females is more than males. A female child can fight germs and deseases more than male children. During wars, more men are killed as compared to women. And at any time, we find more widows in the world as compared to widowers.
In USA alone, therea re 7.8 Million females more than male, New York alone has one million females more than males. USA has more than 25 million gays (Qaum-e-Loot), i-e they don't want to marry women.
Suppose my sister happens to live in America, and the market is saturated, i-e every women has found a husband. And suppose my sister, or your sister happans to be one of the unlucky girls who did not find a husaband, the only option remaining to them is marry somebody who's already married or become public property! That's right, public property. Which is a better option?!? I ask you, which is a better option? But natural, to marry somebody who is already married.
Therefore, its not a problem that a man is married.
Next, you said that he loves both of you equally. Qur'an says in Surah-An-Nisa, Ch 4: Verse 3: "Marry women of your choice, two or three or four, But if you can't do justice, marry only one." Since, according to you, he dose do justice, again, I don't see anything wrong with this. Regarding Kids, that's a medical problem, what can we say about it?
You love him, great! I know he must be loving you. Men are more poligamous than women. But women think that everybody is the way they are. Since women cannot imagin of loving two people at the same time, so they think that even its impossible for their husband to love two wives at the same time, which is not true. He must be loving you, as well as his other wife. There is nothing wrong with the situation the way I see it.
There is no problem, and so, no solution.
Average life span of females is more than males. A female child can fight germs and deseases more than male children. During wars, more men are killed as compared to women. And at any time, we find more widows in the world as compared to widowers.
In USA alone, therea re 7.8 Million females more than male, New York alone has one million females more than males. USA has more than 25 million gays (Qaum-e-Loot), i-e they don't want to marry women.
Suppose my sister happens to live in America, and the market is saturated, i-e every women has found a husband. And suppose my sister, or your sister happans to be one of the unlucky girls who did not find a husaband, the only option remaining to them is marry somebody who's already married or become public property! That's right, public property. Which is a better option?!? I ask you, which is a better option? But natural, to marry somebody who is already married.
Therefore, its not a problem that a man is married.
Next, you said that he loves both of you equally. Qur'an says in Surah-An-Nisa, Ch 4: Verse 3: "Marry women of your choice, two or three or four, But if you can't do justice, marry only one." Since, according to you, he dose do justice, again, I don't see anything wrong with this. Regarding Kids, that's a medical problem, what can we say about it?
You love him, great! I know he must be loving you. Men are more poligamous than women. But women think that everybody is the way they are. Since women cannot imagin of loving two people at the same time, so they think that even its impossible for their husband to love two wives at the same time, which is not true. He must be loving you, as well as his other wife. There is nothing wrong with the situation the way I see it.
Muhammad Waqqas
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Re: Depressed.
AND YES! THERE IS NO NEED OF GETTING DIVORCED, YOU'LL BE HITTING YOUR OWN HEAD WITH THE WALL IF YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT. ITS CRAZY.
AND YES! THERE IS NO NEED OF GETTING DIVORCED, YOU'LL BE HITTING YOUR OWN HEAD WITH THE WALL IF YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT. ITS CRAZY.
Re: Depressed.
He left them to go to another country to work 5 years ago. I met him here.
It hurts to know that when his other wife comes here, he'll be doing all the things we do together. He's the only man I've ever been with and I want our relationship to be as special to him as it is to me, not he'll sleep in my room one night and go sleep with her the next. That kills me. I love him, but sometimes I hate that he lied to me about them. He never told me about them until I fell in love with him. There's nothing medically wrong with me tat I can't have kids. He keeps saying we're not ready to have them, that I'm too young. I'm 20.
He left them to go to another country to work 5 years ago. I met him here.
It hurts to know that when his other wife comes here, he'll be doing all the things we do together. He's the only man I've ever been with and I want our relationship to be as special to him as it is to me, not he'll sleep in my room one night and go sleep with her the next. That kills me. I love him, but sometimes I hate that he lied to me about them. He never told me about them until I fell in love with him. There's nothing medically wrong with me tat I can't have kids. He keeps saying we're not ready to have them, that I'm too young. I'm 20.
x Maz x
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Re: Depressed.
Aww SubhanAllah Ukhty this is a test from thy Lord...i strongly advise you to talk to your husband telling him how you feel and moreoever supplicate...Ask Allah for guidence...Keep the faith and dont let no-one get you down!..Peace be with you also x
Aww SubhanAllah Ukhty this is a test from thy Lord...i strongly advise you to talk to your husband telling him how you feel and moreoever supplicate...Ask Allah for guidence...Keep the faith and dont let no-one get you down!..Peace be with you also x
lolwatever
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Re: Depressed.
since you said he still loves you, figure a time you know he's free and hav a chat with him, tell him what you feel. If you notice he's like 'blah', try keep ur calm and remind him of the sisn he is recieving for flirting.
It also might give you a chance to fixup any misunderstandings that exists between yourselves, perhaps he is onlys ending money overseas because you're with him and so he can cover costs directly?
If all fails, make dua and seek Allah's help genuinely... and unless you feel that you're better off being patient with him and advising him, divorce might be an option.
keep it till last though, really divorce is very ugly and horrible.
all the best
since you said he still loves you, figure a time you know he's free and hav a chat with him, tell him what you feel. If you notice he's like 'blah', try keep ur calm and remind him of the sisn he is recieving for flirting.
It also might give you a chance to fixup any misunderstandings that exists between yourselves, perhaps he is onlys ending money overseas because you're with him and so he can cover costs directly?
If all fails, make dua and seek Allah's help genuinely... and unless you feel that you're better off being patient with him and advising him, divorce might be an option.
keep it till last though, really divorce is very ugly and horrible.
all the best
ISDhillon
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Re: Depressed.
If I was you I would need more focus and clarity and I feel like you need a rogerian person-centered counsellor, the first 6 sessions are free with the doctors and you can have a female if you want, trust me an impartial non-biased safe environment will help you collect your thoughts and will also allow you to cry and unlock your hidden tears.
Depression is not something to be ignored people can spend their whole lives depressed and never do anything about it, dont survive day to day, make a conscious effort to deal with it.
Good luck,
ISDhillon
If I was you I would need more focus and clarity and I feel like you need a rogerian person-centered counsellor, the first 6 sessions are free with the doctors and you can have a female if you want, trust me an impartial non-biased safe environment will help you collect your thoughts and will also allow you to cry and unlock your hidden tears.
Depression is not something to be ignored people can spend their whole lives depressed and never do anything about it, dont survive day to day, make a conscious effort to deal with it.
Good luck,
ISDhillon
Lateralus63
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Re: Depressed.
You need to show it. Show him how much you really do care. Thats where the beauty lies.
You need to show it. Show him how much you really do care. Thats where the beauty lies.
Re: Depressed.
I see alot of problems with what you just wrote...I dont agree with half of what you said................................:heated:
"There is no problem?" Of course there is:
1) She cries everyday
2) She works 13 hours a day (even though she has EVERY right to stay at home) which is obviously going to be spent on her husband..but she does this out of love; that means that her husband is only supporting his other wife financially (he is NOT just with his wives)
3) Even after this he goes and flirts with other girls
Do not get offended, but your post came off as very cold and impersonal
I see alot of problems with what you just wrote...I dont agree with half of what you said................................:heated:
"There is no problem?" Of course there is:
1) She cries everyday
2) She works 13 hours a day (even though she has EVERY right to stay at home) which is obviously going to be spent on her husband..but she does this out of love; that means that her husband is only supporting his other wife financially (he is NOT just with his wives)
3) Even after this he goes and flirts with other girls
Very stereotypical. I am not judging you, but a Muslim in this day and age should be the last to stereotype.
Even though the Prophet (saws) treated all of his wives justly and equally, he still prayed to Allah because he could not control his heart. He loved Aishah (ra) more.
Well the way you see it is wrong brother.
Do not get offended, but your post came off as very cold and impersonal
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Re: Depressed.
Now for some advice to sister Isra.
Sister, whatever I say will not change the feelings you have towards him. Love is a very VERY strong emotion. But this emotion (like others) will be destroyed if the problems are not fixed.
Best way is to talk to him. And YES it is easier said then done. Talking is one of the hardest parts of a relationship if the married couple does not know how to go about with it; however, it is also the MOST effective technique you can use to resolve problems.
Other than that, I wish I could help you. If anything new comes to my mind I will post it here Inshallah. You will be in my duas
Now for some advice to sister Isra.
Sister, whatever I say will not change the feelings you have towards him. Love is a very VERY strong emotion. But this emotion (like others) will be destroyed if the problems are not fixed.
Best way is to talk to him. And YES it is easier said then done. Talking is one of the hardest parts of a relationship if the married couple does not know how to go about with it; however, it is also the MOST effective technique you can use to resolve problems.
Other than that, I wish I could help you. If anything new comes to my mind I will post it here Inshallah. You will be in my duas