Culture clashes

[Souljette]

Asalamualaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakatahu,

I believe your decision is already made. Deen is important but in practicality even small things matter a lot, those things can be fixed if two parties consider trying but if two parties don't then it's better not to marry each ohter. I myself don't care about marrying someone different from my nationality as long as deen is intact and the other person is willing to try because as Sister Flame has mentioned it is hard to find someone following the proper deen nowadays subhanallah following Quran and Sunnah with heart, my family would say many things against this if they could but my issue is if both parties marry each other for the deen as love for the sake of Allah(S.W.T) it is the best love but there has to be the effort and open mind ..inshallah you will find the one made for you and the sister u met earlier just wasn't meant for you maybe

 

[Riana17]

Brother Salahudeen

Food must not be an issue but the manners, that must not stop you from pursuing her
Well You see I must defend myself here lol, I am not terrible in cooking but I am lazy in cooking, kitchen is not my forte or maybe i choose not to go to kitchen,

My Arab husband loves an Asian like me, he have alot of choices to have beautiful WIFE, they are everywhere, HE is young, educated and good looks, but he marry me...., for my character (according to him lool)

so to cut this story, he eats everything from Arab, Chinese, Japanese, Filipino foods ...and during our trip to Malaysia, without expectation for 2weeks we eat Indian foods.
On daily basis we eat in the restaurant but if he feel like he wants home cook (he grow up with it with his chef mom) either he will cook or we will get food from his mom (My savior) ,,, he is so nice not to force me or oblige me for anything

Maybe you should have an open mind (in this) and pls dont say you cant live without curry & all...

Compatibility is not given situation, it is choice, it is acceptance, it is adjustment,
you might miss a good life with her just bcoz of small thing ( i blv its minor)

P.S. About Language, you can learn the basic and you must not say no to that brother, it would be nice to please wife and learn more language.

 

[Ansariyah]

Wat kind of world do u live in? Rejecting a proposal because the girl can't cook the food you like? Are you food-obsessed? Who wants a guy who's top priority in marriage is a wife who cooks his fav food.

I think u need to start living outside 'the box'. There's more to life besides ur fav food!

 

[Salahudeen]

Wat kind of world do u live in? Rejecting a proposal because the girl can't cook the food you like? Are you food-obsessed? Who wants a guy who's top priority in marriage is a wife who cooks his fav food.

I think u need to start living outside 'the box'. There's more to life besides ur fav food!

Wow you people obviously didn't read the whole thread before you criticize me, I don't know why you assume it was just for food lol, very quick to pass judgement my dear sister, please ask more questions regarding the situation before you criticize. Now allow me to explain, it wasn't just food, or the fact that I didn't wanna learn another language, these were 2 factors amongst many such as the fact she wanted me to move in with her family and I wanted her to move in my house and a list of other stuff if you'd like me to mention?

Please read every post before you begin criticizing me and labelling me with stuff jazakAllah khair. And I don't know why you assume food is my top priority? my top priority was deen and charachter however I also have other traits that I like in a potential partner, is it wrong to desire other characteristics in a partner apart from deen and character? What is it with people here, they acting like deen and character is all that can exist in a person, sure it's most important thing but what's wrong with desiring other traits in a person also?

I'm sure you desire other things in your partner apart from deen and character right? maybe you'd like him to be funny? confident? talkative? quiet? shy? humble? has similar interest as you? enjoys doing the things you do?

Please don't label me as "food obsessed" or living inside a box because I have preferences that are different to yours. We are all individuals after all are we not? And if I don't think a particular person is compatible with me for the smallest of reasons that's my prerogative, it may appear small and petty to you but for me it's an entirely different story, because everyone's different and we all have different requirements and needs right?

What you need and require of a marriage partner may be totally different to another person, and for you to judge his requirements as silly then it shows you're not a very understanding of the fact that people are different and we desire different things in our partners and no two people want the same thing. This is a good time for you to learn this

Also I would appreciate you address me in a more kinder fashion in future jazakAllah khair. There is most certainly a nice way to advise someone and a bad way to advise someone, I suggest you read the other posts in the thread so you can see the nice and productive way to advise people as opposed to jumping in and criticizing them.

 

[Salahudeen]

But brother Salahudeen.........

How easy is it to find a pious girl?

If you were to really find one...... the one who is:

1. Not proud....

2. Modest...

3. Thinks of the needs of others before her own... i.e. selfless

4. Minds her speech.... stays away from gossip and idle talk....

5. Has good manners..... respects all people....

6. Not demanding......

7. Not extravagant....

8. Not materialistic.....

9. Not miserly..... but generous....

10. kind....

11. always smiling.....

12. not into complaining but is satisfied with her lot......

13. obedient......

14. not afraid of hard work..... not lazy.....

15. aware of her responsibilities as a wife.....

If you were to find a jewel of a girl like this, I'm sure you wouldn't even care if she couldn't cook. Because such a girl would learn how to cook if it makes you happy.

Of course! Of course! Of course! You should select a girl who is pious..... but that's kind of hard... because piety is in the heart, not in appearances.

^That is perfection you have just listed sister flame and it doesn't entirely exist in 1 person, there will all ways be traits in our partner that we don't like, however somethings we can deal with and compromise on, other things we can't, you see it all depends on the person involved and what he can deal with. For example I may not compromise on certain traits that I want in a partner but I can compromise on other traits that are not a big deal to me, however the traits I compromise on might be a big deal to another person.

For example, I don't mind if a girl is talkative or quiet, confident, funny, what kind of family she comes from, I'm quite happy to compromise on these things, however for another person these traits may be essential for his desired partner to have. And another person may be willing to compromise on traits that I desire in a potential spouse. Do you see my point? we all have different things that we can compromise with not everyone is the same.

What we as individuals can compromise varies from person to person, what I may be able to compromise on, another person may not be able to. For example another person may think its essential that his potential spouse has a good sense of humour however this is something I can quite easily compromise on because it's not something I require in a spouse however for him it may be vital that he finds this trait in his spouse, who am I to judge what he needs in a spouse to make his marriage successful? Surely only he is capable of deciding that, and any criticism on my behalf would be very inappropriate.

So in essense everyone has different requirements and things they are able to compromise on, it's not a big deal to me how good looking she is, what family she comes from, whether she's funny or not, whether she's talkative or quiet, these are all traits I don't require of a wife and I'm quite happy to compromise on these things, however for another man these may be essential traits that he needs, and for me to belittle them as silly would be very foolish on my part, because I'd be placing my own expections of a marriage partner on him. When quite clearly he's a different person to me.

I hope with that everyone has a better understanding of people, and refrain from passing judgement on a person for desiring certain traits. It may be that the traits you desire in a person, other people deem to be non essential in a partner, however for you they are. And that is the crux of the issue.

What you as an individual need in your partner to make your marriage successful. Not what other people deem as a good match, because lets face it, they are going to want something completely different to you.

 

[Ansariyah]

Wow you people obviously didn't read the whole thread before you criticize me, it wasn't just food, or the fact that I didn't wanna learn another language, these were 2 factors amongst many such as the fact she wanted me to move in with her family and I wanted her to move in my house.

You've been going on and on about the 'I can't live without my indian food' song far too long. This thread is not the first I heard u talking about it. I have no interest to quote you, but its out there for all to see that. You clearly said that you would not consider marrying a girl who can't cook your fav meal. Yeah that does make me wonder if you are food obsessed. If you are not, pls explain why you keep going on n on about it.

Please read every post before you begin criticizing me and labelling me with stuff jazakAllah khair. And I don't know why you assume that's my top priority? my top priority was deen and charachter however I also have other traits that I like in a potential partner, is it wrong to desire other characteristics in a partner apart from deen and character?

I didn't mean to label you but you were starting to come across like a shallow person. You can desire all u want, but the thing you speak of the most is food. Wat kind of person worries about that?

I'm sure you desire other things in your partner apart from deen and character right? maybe you'd like him to be funny? confident? talkative? quiet? shy? humble? has similar interest as you? enjoys doing the things you do?

Yeah, I got my preferences but I would be worried if they were anything like yours.

Please don't label me as "food obsessed" or living inside a box because I have preferences that are different to yours.

Well that's how you came across to me & Believe me you tried pretty hard to put out that kind of impression of yourself. So If you don't like how you come across, change it.

We are all individuals after all are we not? And if I don't think a particular person is compatible with me for the smallest of reasons that's my prerogative, it may appear small and petty to you but for me it's an entirely different story, because everyone's different and we have different requirements right?

Everyone is not gonna have ur opinion, sometimes people have a different opinion.

Also I would appreciate you address me in a more kinder fashion in future jazakAllah khair.

Wayakum

 

[Salahudeen]

You've been going on and on about the 'I can't live without my indian food' song far too long. This thread is not the first I heard u talking about it. I have no interest to quote you, but its out there for all to see that. You clearly said that you would not consider marrying a girl who can't cook your fav meal. Yeah that does make me wonder if you are food obsessed. If you are not, pls explain why you keep going on n on about it.

If you're talking about the other thread, than that was an example of a preference that an individual has that not everyone can meet. It was only meant to be an example of areas that exist where people are incompatible. And I guess this thread is also a demonstration that individuals have different preferences and we can't expect everyone to have the same preferences as us.

I didn't mean to label you but you were starting to come across like a shallow person. You can desire all u want, but the thing you speak of the most is food. Wat kind of person worries about that

Shallow why? because I desire certain traits in a person? I don't care how she looks or what her weight is, am I still shallow? The bottom line is you can't judge anyones requirements as shallow because your requirements are different. It may be that I think your requirements in a spouse are shallow.

Yeah, I got my preferences but I would be worried if they were anything like yours.

Why woud you be worried? you obviously have not taken away the intended purpose of this thread, no two people will have the same preferences, If I read your preferences I'm quite sure I would be worried to at what you desire in a partner however this is what I am trying to explain to you, we are all different and have different requirements, what you require in a partner I can quite easily compromise on and it's non essential for me to have, however what I require you can compromise on and its no big deal for you. Do you see my point? For you judge my requirements as stupid and silly is very inappropriate because I can quite easily do the same with your requirements because we as people differ in what we require in people.

Well that's how you came across to me & Believe me you tried pretty hard to put out that kind of impression of yourself. So If you don't like how you come across, change it.

It's funny, I came across a certain way but not the way I intended, does that give you the right to talk in the manner you did? Should you not have clarified the situation first before you jumped in and criticized?

Everyone is not gonna have ur opinion, sometimes people have a different opinion.

Exactly!! now this is what I'm trying to tell you, everyones requirements in a spouse differ and for your to label my requirements as silly is stupid because everyone has their own requirements, to me your requirements may be silly, do you see my point?

 

[Riana17]

Salam to all

I think no one intended to hurt each other, I hope we all forgive and forget for Sake OF Allah

I have found many rude people here as well (and anywhere) but I always try to keep distance as soon as I give my reply... otherwise it will be never ending,,,,cnt expect good treatment all the time even with brothers and sisters in ISLAM

anyway,,, we all want to contribute to this thread and the decision is yours Brother Salahudeen, goodluck inshallah

 

[nature]

It just wasnt meant to be and you've no need to justify yourself to anyone, i can see both sides of the coin, i however dont think the food thing should be a factor, but if there were other things, that you couldnt compromise on, then it was for the best. I agree with what sis bint-abi has sed.

From what i remember your still very young, as you get older this "living with curry" seriously wont be on your list of priorities. Its just really hard to get decent pious people these days, but other little things can always be worked on.

& please dont take this the wrong way, but I think you should scrub up on your culinary skills and maybe when the missus comes along you could teach her ? esp if shes not from your culture. Just dont rule out women from other cultures cos they cant make your food, cos there might be a woman out there, that has everything that your looking for, but is hopeless in the kitchen.

From a woman's point of view, if a bloke was more worried about his food than anything else, and asked me what dishes i could make, and expect me to make certain things or be his personal cook, i would find it offensive, & would be put off, but thats just me, & thats the usual Q's that get asked in our culture. Im not saying your like that, im just saying, thats how the line of questioning could be percieved.

Cooking is a joint thing isnt it ? not solely the womans, its easier if shes at home all day, but its nice for the bloke to do his fare share as well. What would you do if the wife was ill ?? not eat ? Its a reqirement for both parties, even if its not the done thing in certain culture. I hope this makes some of sense, & im sure allah has some1 better for you.

:wa:

 

[Riana17]

& please dont take this the wrong way,....cos there might be a woman out there, that has everything that your looking for, but is hopeless in the kitchen.

Yay! i likeeeee that lool

I hope you will be blessed with one Mr Salahudeen

 

[Souljette]

Asalamualaykum,
I don't think there is a need to comment any further on this post as the person who created has gotten his opinions from us and is now sure of his decision, instead of going on to arguments it should either be closed or not be commented on anymore

 

[Ansariyah]

If you're talking about the other thread, than that was an example of a preference that an individual has that not everyone can meet. It was only meant to be an example of areas that exist where people are incompatible. And I guess this thread is also a demonstration that individuals have different preferences and we can't expect everyone to have the same preferences as us.

But people can still comment on 'your preferences'..it's a public forum after all.:muddlehea

Shallow why? because I desire certain traits in a person? I don't care how she looks or what her weight is, am I still shallow? The bottom line is you can't judge anyones requirements as shallow because your requirements are different. It may be that I think your requirements in a spouse are shallow.

Maybe I’m shallow too, who knows? But I guess u wont know unless I put it on the forum.

Why woud you be worried? you obviously have not taken away the intended purpose of this thread, no two people will have the same preferences, If I read your preferences I'm quite sure I would be worried to at what you desire in a partner however this is what I am trying to explain to you, we are all different and have different requirements, what you require in a partner I can quite easily compromise on and it's non essential for me to have, however what I require you can compromise on and its no big deal for you. Do you see my point? For you judge my requirements as stupid and silly is very inappropriate because I can quite easily do the same with your requirements because we as people differ in what we require in people.

I never judged your preferences as stupid. It’s just my opinion that placing such a huge emphasis on the food the wife makes is kinda too much. This is all new to me that’s why I think it’s strange. If a brotha asked me if I can make his traditional food I would reject him. I would feel offended and feel like this guy just needs a maid not a wife. Though I would be happy to cook, but some things don’t need to be said.

It's funny, I came across a certain way but not the way I intended, does that give you the right to talk in the manner you did? Should you not have clarified the situation first before you jumped in and criticized?

Well that makes two of us then, cause I didn’t mean to come across the way I did either.

Exactly!! now this is what I'm trying to tell you, everyones requirements in a spouse differ and for your to label my requirements as silly is stupid because everyone has their own requirements, to me your requirements may be silly, do you see my point?

You know wat? This obviously means a lot to you so go ahead do ur thang. Don’t let anything I said hinder you from watever rocks ur boat.

Peace.

 

[Who Am I?]

OK, now I want some Indian food after reading these last posts.

A pox upon you all!

 

[Ansariyah]

^I want Italian food!

 

[Salahudeen]

OK, now I want some Indian food after reading these last posts.

A pox upon you all!

I can make you keema bro but we'll have to buy the chapatti's

 

[Salahudeen]

But people can still comment on 'your preferences'..it's a public forum after all.:muddlehea

They can however there's a difference between commenting in a constructive way as many of the other posters did and out right criticizing. People will rarely change their views if you insult them and label them as shallow. Gentleness was never put in something except that it beautified it even further.

“Keep to gentleness and avoid harshness and coarseness. Gentleness is not found in anything without adorning it, and is not withdrawn from anything without shaming it."

Even I may be guilty of being harsh at times without realizing however if anyone felt I was harsh in my words I would immediately apologize. Harshness does nothing except drive people away from you.

Maybe I’m shallow too, who knows? But I guess u wont know unless I put it on the forum.

I don't think anyone is shallow, we all desire traits in people whether other people understand the fact as to why we require/want them is what leads them, to label us as shallow or not shallow.

If they understand why then they say "Yeah I can understand why you'd want that in a wife" if they don't understand they go "Man that is shallow why you want that in a wife for thats stupid" as is so typically done by people.

So I don't think shallowness exists, only ignorance, after all there is no official definition for shallowness is there? Is it shallow to want beauty in a wife? of course not, that is another thing that people commonly label as shallow when we know it's from the sunnah to want to marry a beautiful wife, Imam Ahmed said you should ask about a woman's beauty before you ask about her deen.

Yet you will still find people saying, "man that guys shallow all he cares about is looks". So please sister, do not label any person shallow, rather understand that they have reasons for their desires, you may not be able to comprehend why they have those choices but it doesn't give you or anyone the right to walk up to their face and go "haha that is so stupid what planet are you from get back to Earth" because as I have said so often, everyone is different and to apply what you expect in a partner on to other people will never work.

So we should show respect to people, let me give you another example, I know a brother who has a preference for a wife who is on the large side physically he just has a thing for big women, now I can't understand why he'd want this, but I don't ridicule and make fun of him for wanting this, I don't say to him "man your stupid for wanting this get back to earth" , this is just how he'd like his wife to be, it would make him happy to have a wife like this so I can't fault him for this. After all it's perfectly halal to have these preferences isn't it?

Sure they may sound strange and not make sense to us, but we should respect people and understand they're individuals who have different likes and needs to ourselves.

I never judged your preferences as stupid. It’s just my opinion that placing such a huge emphasis on the food the wife makes is kinda too much. This is all new to me that’s why I think it’s strange. If a brotha asked me if I can make his traditional food I would reject him. I would feel offended and feel like this guy just needs a maid not a wife. Though I would be happy to cook, but some things don’t need to be said.

If you had said it like you just said above then your post would have been much more pleasant to read and less offending, this is how you should say stuff you don't agree with mashaAllah

Well sis this is your opinion and I respect it but I will have to disagree because I was raised in a traditional way, where the man is the bread winner, he goes out and works and brings the money in, helps out around the house with cleaning etc and the wife handles the cooking side of things. I think such things should be clarified before marriage sister, because what if you get married and there's disagreements over who does the cooking? some men as myself expect the woman to do the cooking, it's just something I don't really see my self doing, as for other things such as cleaning washing dishes etc I have no problem with. So I think it's best to clarify these things before marriage as just the other day I heard a story of a brother and sister who got divorced because the brother expected her to clean the house and the wife said "I don't do cleaning" so the house was all ways a mess, the brother was Syrian and raised in such a way that he thought maintaining the cleaning/cooking was the wifes duty while the husband went out to work. Now his wife didn't agree with this mentality he had so they ended up getting divorced and he went back to Syria and got a wife who shared his traditional way of thinking. So I think everything should be clarified before hand, both people should know what the other expects of them in terms of cleaning and cooking among other things. To avoid any disagreements and arguments later on, planning is everything.

Well that makes two of us then, cause I didn’t mean to come across the way I did either.

Ok that is nice to know.

You know wat? This obviously means a lot to you so go ahead do ur thang. Don’t let anything I said hinder you from watever rocks ur boat.

Well sis as long as I put everything in the right priority I don't see anything wrong with it, first I want a wife who is pious, after all that should be number one priority, however additionally to that, I'd prefer it if she had similar interests and likes as me, such as food, personality, what she likes to do in her spare time, whether she's out going or likes to stay in, is she a good cook etc cooking is just 1 of many things that I like in a woman however it's not the most essential one and such things can easily be over come. But the reason I have these preferences is, I'd like someone similar to myself as I see the marriage being more successful then, and less arguments occurring.

We have to remember we're going to be with our marriage partner for life so it's important we find the traits in a person that would make us happy, otherwise we'll continually be fantasizing about a person with traits that would make us happy.

Peace

And unto you.

 

[GuestFellow]

Wat kind of world do u live in? Rejecting a proposal because the girl can't cook the food you like? Are you food-obsessed? Who wants a guy who's top priority in marriage is a wife who cooks his fav food.

I think u need to start living outside 'the box'. There's more to life besides ur fav food!

Salaam,

I think it is a reasonable requirement. I know a guy who is married and works 6am to 9pm approximately (awful job). He comes home and is very tired. His wife, lucky for him, can cook the food that he wants. I think it would be unfair if the wife did not cook the food that he wants unless there is a good reason (e.g. not healthy).

In this case, if Salahudeen learns the language, then it would be fair that she cooks the food that he likes. This way, both become familiar with each other's culture and everyone wins. *Throws confetti.*

 

[Salahudeen]

Salaam,

I think it is a reasonable requirement. I know a guy who is married and works 6am to 9pm approximately (awful job). He comes home and is very tired. His wife, lucky for him, can cook the food that he wants. I think it would be unfair if the wife did not cook the food that he wants unless there is a good reason (e.g. not healthy).

In this case, if Salahudeen learns the language, then it would be fair if she cooks the food that he likes. This way, both become familiar with each other's culture and everyone wins. *Throws confetti.*

hehe lucky guy your friend is, the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, as the saying goes.

 

[nature]

Well sis this is your opinion and I respect it but I will have to disagree because I was raised in a traditional way, where the man is the bread winner, he goes out and works and brings the money in, helps out around the house with cleaning etc and the wife handles the cooking side of things. I think such things should be clarified before marriage sister, because what if you get married and there's disagreements over who does the cooking? some men as myself expect the woman to do the cooking, it's just something I don't really see my self doing, as for other things such as cleaning washing dishes etc

I get what your saying, and actually its no different from the culture i come from, apart from, you actually dont mind cleaning ?? Most of the housewifes i know, they get sick of the husband making demands in the kitchen and not helping out. Even wen the kids come along, shes expected to get the meals out etc, also what happens if the wife is ill ?? Think long term, theres no harm in a bloke learning to do the basics or even give his wife a break on a weekend.

personally i think its a 2 way thing, just cos its part of culture we come from, doesnt mean we cant change it does it ?? Cooking is great, but us girls dont wana be stinking of chip pan oil all the time, its nice to have a bit of help rather than get taken for granted, and c'mon is it really worth the nagging in the future ?

you know what you want, so there is nothing that any1 will say, that will change your thoughts.

good luck

 

[Who Am I?]

I can cook, but most of the time I don't because after being at work all day, I'm too tired to bother with it. I live alone, so I usually just grab something on the way home or go out to eat.

When the mood hits me though, I am a kitchen monster.