Dating!!!!

[MuslimInshallah]

Wa alaikum assalaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuhu Junon and IntoTheRain,


(smile) Thank you so much for your posts. I completely agree that we need to have a Gold Standard, and that those who call to wrongdoing often clothe their calls in beautiful words and ideals.

And it is also completely correct to state that women may behave just as badly as men. (smile) We are all human, and Allah has Gifted us all with the possibility to choose things which are not good.

I also believe that we should speak out whenever we see an injustice, no matter who is the perpetrator. (smile) I would argue that if speaking out about injustices against women makes me a feminist, then I am a feminist. (grin) And I'm a masculinist, too, because I believe in speaking out about injustices towards men, too! Of course, being a woman, I am in more contact with women, and I see more easily the woman's perspective. (smile) So I am more likely to speak about things from this perspective. But I read your posts Junon, and I do empathize with men who are mistreated by women.

I would absolutely agree that involving your family in a decision such as marriage is very wise and important. Generally speaking, families care about their more vulnerable members, and are ready to put in the time and effort to find out about a prospective in-law and his or her family. (smile) And it is a truth that you marry a family, not just an individual.

(sigh) But not everyone has this possibility. In this increasingly scattered and eroded world, families are becoming weaker and unhealthier, it seems to me. Not only may families show little to no interest in helping their members, but families may not have the tools to do much. In my country, we have many immigrants (I am one myself). People face language and social barriers. They tend to move around a lot. They don't know many people. The family tends to not have many members. They may not understand the cultural understandings of either the dominant society, nor of all the fragments of other immigrant societies around them. And then, because it is hard to meet Muslims locally, families may look for spouses overseas. And the ability to get to know much about how this person really is, is rather limited.

IntoTheRain, you talked about asking community leaders… (sigh) They are swamped. They just don't have the time or resources to help sisters, especially for something as time-consuming and difficult as looking for a spouse. (sad) And not all community leaders are reliable people, you know. And how do you know who is reliable or not, unless you have interacted with them to any degree?

So, whether we like it or not, it may be that the only person who is going to help us in our quest to marry and build a family is our own selves. (sigh) Not because we don't want help. But because there just is none.

Please note: I do not advocate relying only on your own self and interviewing men over a longer period of time as an ideal (and yes, if you can, trying to talk with the man's colleagues, friends, neighbours, employers, etc is a good idea… if you can do it) . I am just stating that it is a reality that some women must deal with, because they have no other choice. If you have caring family who is willing and able to help you: don't be foolish, take their help.


May Allah, the Hearing, have Mercy on all those who know the pain of injustice.

 

[InToTheRain]

IntoTheRain, you talked about asking community leaders… (sigh) They are swamped. They just don't have the time or resources to help sisters, especially for something as time-consuming and difficult as looking for a spouse. (sad) And not all community leaders are reliable people, you know. And how do you know who is reliable or not, unless you have interacted with them to any degree?

So, whether we like it or not, it may be that the only person who is going to help us in our quest to marry and build a family is our own selves. (sigh) Not because we don't want help. But because there just is none.

Please note: I do not advocate relying only on your own self and interviewing men over a longer period of time as an ideal (and yes, if you can, trying to talk with the man's colleagues, friends, neighbours, employers, etc is a good idea… if you can do it) . I am just stating that it is a reality that some women must deal with, because they have no other choice. If you have caring family who is willing and able to help you: don't be foolish, take their help.


May Allah, the Hearing, have Mercy on all those who know the pain of injustice.

I think it's quite a serious problem which requires urgent attention. It was actually one of the dying wishes of Umar(RA) to make sure sisters have spouses so that they have someone to rely on should they need to. Especially considering that more females revert than males and if their family aren't supportive it's going to be a problem for them to have Mahrams and get married.

Here is a talk by Haib Ali Jifri about this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZG6ibK8mwo

 

[jameelash]

WHEN ISLAM SAY NO FOR DATING OR ANYTHING ELSE WITH PROPER SORCE THEN THERE IS O QUESTION.ONLY ACCEPTANCE.

Why has Islam Prohibited Dating ? (taken from another site)


"Dating" as it is currently practiced in much of the world shall not exist among Muslims -- where a man and a woman (or boy/girl) are in a one-on-one intimate relationship, spending time together alone, getting to know each other in a very deep way.

A man and a woman are not allowed to be alone together, and any physical contact before marriage is forbidden. Hence, Dating is not permitted in Islam.

Allah has prohibited girl/boyfriend relationships in the Qur'an

"(Lawful to you in marriage) are chaste women from the believers and chaste women from those who were given the Scripture (Jews and Christians) before your time, when you have given their due Mahr (bridal-money given by the husband to his wife at the time of marriage), desiring chastity (i.e. taking them in legal wedlock) not committing illegal sexual intercourse, nor taking them as girlfriends. ... ” - Al-Ma'idah 5:5.

If a Muslim man has the desire and willingness to assume marital responsibilities, and he doesn’t have anyone in mind, he might ask his friends, family, and relatives if there is a lady that might be suitable for him among their acquaintances and relatives, and then the couple can meet with their family members.

As a result, many marriages in the Muslim world were traditionally arranged marriages, though this is not a religious requirement. However, both couples can not be forced to accept an arranged marriage and if a man likes someone (with the intention of marriage) that he knows from work, neighborhood or acquaintances, etc… he shall propose to her.

Islam also encourages Muslims to marry persons for whom they have special feelings and are comfortable with. Thus, Islam recommends that potential marriage partners see one another before proposing marriage. Explaining the reason for such a recommendation, Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said:

“That would enhance/foster the bonding.”

However the prospective couple shall not meet in private, this might lead to extremely unwanted situations, as Prophet Muhammad (pbuh) said :

“Whenever a man is alone with a woman, Satan is the third among them” (Reported by At-Tirmidhi)..

At all times, Muslims should follow the commands of the Qur'an

"Tell the believing men to lower their gaze (from looking at forbidden things), and protect their private parts (from illegal sexual acts, etc.). That is purer for them. "

In conclusion, Islam lays its social structure on the basis of a permanent relationship between a man and a woman in the form of a family.

Consequently, to preserve this marital relationship, it forbids all forms of temporary relationships between a man and a woman. Pre-marital relationships in Islam are not considered respectful for neither the man nor the woman, nor is it constructive for the concept or the building the family or the Islamic society.