Dealing with a control freak

  • Thread starter Thread starter anonymous
  • Start date Start date
  • Replies Replies 31
  • Views Views 5K
Am I also right to assume that attempts have already been made to talk to this individual to be reasonable/respectful and allow other family members to visit their mom/grand mother but every time such a matter is brought up for discussion, this individual looses his temper and starts insulting others?
Am I also right to assume that he does not take care of her mother either and she has complained about it to her other children?
Am I also right to assume that apparently it looks like that his goal is to stay with his mother not to help her in old age but he has set his eyes on the property?
Am I right to assume that the mother wants him to leave her house?
 
You are right upto the point that he does not care for his mother. I actually believe he does care for his mother but lacks the correct etiquette. Despite him being rude and disrespectful i actually believe he does care for her as stupid and contradictory as that may sound.

I also don't think he has eyes on the property but it's more of an ego trip as in he has the final say over who comes and goes. A very complex personality.

Also thw mother doesn't want to make him homeless. At the same time she utterly disagrees with his arrogance and has on numerous occasions sought help from other senior family members but this has been to np avail. I genuinely believe there's a deeprooted mental issue ans it's manifesting in a very ugly manner.
 
And sadly it is hard to change someone in their 60's. The only hope is in start practicing Islam.
 
Based on our conversation so far, I will advise not to call authorities on him. Rather try to solve the issue by involving all siblings & his mother. Family members who are close to him shall share their concerns and request him to be more accommodating for the sake of his mother and for the sake of other family members. Severing the ties will not only hurt him more but may also hurt his mother ( after all she is the mother and can't see his own child suffering). Family members should keep on visiting them regardless of how he behaves. It is best to keep the ties of kinship even when this person is hard to deal with. I know it can be hard but don't give up, keep visiting him and his mother. Regarding keeping the ties of Kinship, I want to quote few hadiths and hope these will help.

Narrated `Abdullah bin `Amr:
The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "Al-Wasil is not the one who recompenses the good done to him by his relatives, but Al-Wasil is the one who keeps good relations with those relatives who had severed the bond of kinship with him."

حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ كَثِيرٍ، أَخْبَرَنَا سُفْيَانُ، عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، وَالْحَسَنِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو، وَفِطْرٍ، عَنْ مُجَاهِدٍ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ بْنِ عَمْرٍو ـ وَقَالَ سُفْيَانُ لَمْ يَرْفَعْهُ الأَعْمَشُ إِلَى النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم وَرَفَعَهُ حَسَنٌ وَفِطْرٌ ـ عَنِ النَّبِيِّ صلى الله عليه وسلم قَالَ ‏ "‏ لَيْسَ الْوَاصِلُ بِالْمُكَافِئِ، وَلَكِنِ الْوَاصِلُ الَّذِي إِذَا قَطَعَتْ رَحِمُهُ وَصَلَهَا ‏"‏‏.‏
Reference: Sahih al-Bukhari 5991
In-book reference: Book 78, Hadith 22
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Vol. 8, Book 73, Hadith 20
https://sunnah.com/bukhari/78/22
Abu Huraira reported that a person said:

Allah's Messenger, I have relatives with whom I try, to have close relationship, but they sever (this relation). I treat them well, but they treat me ill. I am sweet to them but they are harsh towards me. Upon this he (the Holy Prophet) said: If it is so as you say, then you in fact throw hot ashes (upon their faces) and there would always remain with you on behalf of Allah (an Angel to support you) who would keep you dominant over them so long as you adhere to this (path of righteousness).

حَدَّثَنِي مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ الْمُثَنَّى، وَمُحَمَّدُ بْنُ بَشَّارٍ، - وَاللَّفْظُ لاِبْنِ الْمُثَنَّى - قَالاَ حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ جَعْفَرٍ، حَدَّثَنَا شُعْبَةُ، قَالَ سَمِعْتُ الْعَلاَءَ بْنَ عَبْدِ الرَّحْمَنِ، يُحَدِّثُ عَنْ أَبِيهِ، عَنْ أَبِي، هُرَيْرَةَ أَنَّ رَجُلاً، قَالَ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ إِنَّ لِي قَرَابَةً أَصِلُهُمْ وَيَقْطَعُونِي وَأُحْسِنُ إِلَيْهِمْ وَيُسِيئُونَ إِلَىَّ وَأَحْلُمُ عَنْهُمْ وَيَجْهَلُونَ عَلَىَّ ‏.‏ فَقَالَ ‏ "‏ لَئِنْ كُنْتَ كَمَا قُلْتَ فَكَأَنَّمَا تُسِفُّهُمُ الْمَلَّ وَلاَ يَزَالُ مَعَكَ مِنَ اللَّهِ ظَهِيرٌ عَلَيْهِمْ مَا دُمْتَ عَلَى ذَلِكَ ‏"‏ ‏.‏
Reference: Sahih Muslim 2558 a
In-book reference: Book 45, Hadith 25
USC-MSA web (English) reference: Book 32, Hadith 6204
https://sunnah.com/muslim/45/25

Invite him to pray, socialize with him and spend more time with him.
Try to convince him for counseling to fix his mental issues. It is quite possible that this individual may have deep psychological issues and social anxiety, therefore, seeking a professionals help is important.
Advise him to find an activity and goal, such as walking 3-5 miles every day. This will not only help him to have a positive mind set but will also provide other health related benefits.
Try to reach out to his kids and advise them to visit him more often ( this is the time when he needs them the most).
Make dua for him & remind yourself and others that we are doing this to please Allah SWT.

​
Finally, please have a look at the article below regarding Islamic law for inheritance. I know this was not your main concern or question but it came up during the conversation. I think its important that the inheritance be divided based on Islamic laws so that those who have left the inheritance may not be asked about it on the day of Judgement.
https://islamqa.info/en/answers/307/rules-of-erth-inheritance

And Allah knows the best!
May Allah help this brother, his mother and other family members and help them to keep the ties of kinship even in hard times. Ameen!

Ma'aSalaam
​
 
Last edited:
I should also mention that Islam does not prevent us from protecting ourselves from the evil and harm that such relatives may cause. If going to their houses, for example, will cause some kind of offence or harm, then the relationship can be limited to telephone calls, kind words, the occasional gift and so on. The relationship can be maintained at a distance, if being too close will cause problems.

And Allah knows the best!
Ma'aSalaam
 
To add a bit more context the mother is elderly and sadly no longer independent. She requires assisitance and this can only realistically be provided by her daughters. Again he only allows them in begrudgingly as he knows there's no other option in terms of his mother being supported.
 
Is he the only son?
Can mom live with any of other kids ( daughters I assume)?
Where do they live, if you don’t mind asking? Seems like cultural values and traditions may be playing some role which does not allow mother to live with her other children.

This is why I initially suggested that sell the house, and divide the money between kids based on Islamic principals. This will allow this individual to live at his own in a smaller house or apartment and will also avoid future issues of dividing the inheritance after mother’s death.
 
The youngest son of 2. The elder is largely responsible for the upkeep and maintenance of the property and entirely disagrees with the behaviour.
This is another irony in that it's common knowledge the eldest handles his mother's paperwork and payment of bills, etc yet the youngest assumes full control by virtue of sleeping in the property.
 
Why not the mother move and start staying with the elder son? I understand that its her property but just to avoid any conflicts and keeping the ties of kinship, may be she should move out and start living with the elder son. Meantime, she can sell the property or write down a will to make sure everyone gets their share based on Islamic Law of Inheritance.
 
Thats impractical as there's a lack of space at the elder brothers house and the mother is more comfortable in the family house. Ya allah have mercy on our state on this blessed of days.
 
Ameen!
May be the elder son should then move in to live with his mother? And younger one can move into the other house?
 

Similar Threads

Back
Top