Delaying nikah and a racist future bro in law.

[Samiya87]

I would like to get married as soon as possible to a brother who I like very much and I'm 100% happy with this choice and I feel like I'm making the right choice and I feel confident in it. I feel like my prayers and Duas have been answered by Allah swt. I'm not being forced by anyone. We have both established that inshallah we are to marry. However I've know this guy for about 4yrs. There was no one I ever felt compatible with apart from him. I respect him very much. I've always wanted to get married to him however the timing was never right but now I feel the time is perfect. Everything is mutual and I've done a lot of adjusting on my part to make him and his family happy.

I have expressed to MY family our intentions and they have given us their approval .

However his brother has told me I'm not welcome into his family because I am not Arab. This hurt me but it's only made me more determined to get married to him. Why should I let a racist stop me from getting married.

His brother constantly sends me abusive text messages. Saying that I'm inferior to him because I'm not Arab. He says that his whole family will hate me.

Now the brother who I want to marry has said if we are to get married there has to be a waiting period (he cannot give me a exact length of waiting it could be months) he said that he has been advised by his brother and cousin that because it's a love marriage and not an arranged/forced marriage we have to wait. Otherwise we are doing it the haram way. Is this correct and can anyone advise me if this is what Islam says. I don't want to delay nikah. However I don't want to displease Allah if I rush into marriage.

 

[Lady A]

I'm pretty certain the waiting period may (or may not) be a cultural thing...but it's definitely not a religious one.

I wish you the best! :sunny:

 

[ardianto]

Now the brother who I want to marry has said if we are to get married there has to be a waiting period (he cannot give me a exact length of waiting it could be months) he said that he has been advised by his brother and cousin that because it's a love marriage and not an arranged/forced marriage we have to wait. Otherwise we are doing it the haram way. Is this correct and can anyone advise me if this is what Islam says.

There is no custom like this in Islam, and I am also not sure if this custom exist in Arabic culture. I think this is just their tactic to prevent you marry him.

 

[Abz2000]

Racism is an evil streak of the remnants of jahiliyyah,
Valid nikah should not be delayed.

 

[greenhill]

I don't know what to say on this. I think your question is answered.

There lies something you already see. You are going to get a bit of resistance in the family. However it is, they are family. That could put you in an awkward position if your husband eventually succumbs to family pressure way after you have gotten married and does not stand up for you. I have read this kind of things happening a lot. Already he is showing signs of succumbing... not my place to say but, just an observation.


eace:

 

[piXie]

Asalamu alaykum

We do not know your situation or what you mean by a love marriage, but as far as I know, it is not permissible to marry an adulteress or adulterer until they have sincerely repented to Allah. It would be better for you to ask someone of knowledge.

 

[ardianto]

Asalamu alaykum

We do not know your situation or what you mean by a love marriage, but as far as I know, it is not permissible to marry an adulteress or adulterer until they have sincerely repented to Allah. It would be better for you to ask someone of knowledge.

Wa'alaikumsalam

Definition of love marriage is marriage that happen because a man and a woman feel matched with each other. Or in another word, a marriage that not arranged by families. Love marriage does not always started by premarital relationship.

If a man propose marriage to you by his own willing, and you decide to accept him because you see him as the right man, this is love marriage.

 

[Lady A]

:raging: Love marriage?? What is this love-shove? All marriages are ARRANGED...from the One above :giggling:

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum Samiya,


(sigh) Greenhill has suggested the crux of your real problem. Getting married will just be the start of your problems, I fear…

Of course, racism is not something that is Pleasing to Allah. And a true Muslim would try not to be racist. (mildly) Just as a true Muslim will try not to miss his or her prayers, will try not to get into sexual relationships outside of marriage, will try not to backbite… I say try. Because the reality is that we all fail a fair bit of the time in something or another we aren't supposed to do, or fail to do things we are supposed to do. (sigh) And it is also an unfortunate reality that some people who call themselves Muslims are less committed to Islam than others. And some just really don't care and just have the label of Muslim pinned to themselves.

All this to say… no, racism is not part of Islam. But you'll certainly find people who call themselves Muslims who are racist.

You say you like this man… yes, I believe you. You've been interested in him for 4 years, you've tried to change yourself to please him and his family, and you've got your family on board. But the question in my mind is: does this man really like you? You see, after all this time and all your efforts, he's playing coy and putting you off again sometime into the future. Ostensibly because of advice his relatives have given him. But a man afire with interest in a woman would be researching and contesting his relatives himself, rather than meekly accepting everything they are telling him…don't you think? (mildly) This doesn't sound particularly encouraging to me…

(sigh) But say you prevail. You manage to get him to sign some sort of a nikkah (and a civil license… this could be very important for you down the road…). And then what? Do you think his family will suddenly love you? Do you think that if you do the faithful-wife-in-spite-of-opposition that after a little while everyone will embrace you with open arms? (sigh) I'm afraid this is very unlikely. I've heard of cases where, after 40 years or so, this might end up true. Of course, in the interim, you will likely suffer and struggle with little of no help from your husband and family. (sigh) But more likely, your husband will stay with you for as long as it's convenient for him, and then he'll move on. And no amount of goodness or efforts you may do will likely have any positive effect. And then, where will you be?

It is not easy for a woman to be older and divorced. Perhaps with children. And a broken heart.

(sigh) Marriage is not easy, even when everyone tries their best. (smile) And this is a good thing. It tests us, and gives us the opportunity to grow closer to Allah. But as Muslims, we are not supposed to try to look for hardship. Especially in terms of marriage, we are supposed to evaluate our potential spouse carefully.

(gently) I know you have invested a lot of time and effort into this man, but I seriously question whether he is a good match for you. Even if he were to go against his family's will, you are going to suffer. His family will likely not treat you well, let alone help you in hard times (and there will be hard times when a little help would make a big difference). And you may find even your children discriminated against (a hard thing for a mother to bear). And this not just for a year or two. But maybe decades. Many, many years of insults, perhaps assaults, of being hidden from extended family members, perhaps, of not being invited to family functions, of your children hearing bad things about you, perhaps, if their relatives accept at least them, of being turned away when you ask for a little help (after the birth of a child? When you fall ill?)… there are so many ways that a family can be cruel to one they don't like.

If the man you like was very actively and seriously trying to court you, that could give you a little hope, I think. But it seems to me that he is rather passive. And this rings alarms for me. I really question whether he'll stand by you when you need him. Or whether, when you are in your hour of need, that he will just walk out on you…

(gently) To walk away from him now will be very hard. I understand that. But to have your heart broken perhaps many years down the line is so very much more painful and difficult.

Love yourself, my dear. You deserve a nice man who is eager to marry you, and whose family will feel Blessed to have you in their midst.


May Allah, the Restrainer and the Extender, Help us to find genuinely pious spouses who care.

 

[umairlooms]

your family has influenced your man too much.

there is no waiting time.

as for racism...is obvious they have not read the last sermon of the prophet

 

[piXie]

Wa'alaikumsalam

Definition of love marriage is marriage that happen because a man and a woman feel matched with each other. Or in another word, a marriage that not arranged by families. Love marriage does not always started by premarital relationship.

If a man propose marriage to you by his own willing, and you decide to accept him because you see him as the right man, this is love marriage.

I'm aware, what I'm saying is the term 'love marriage' is vague. I'm not accusing the sister of anything as I don't know her situation (i.e. I don't know to what extent was she involved with this brother) but she asked if there was any basis for waiting. So I'm just telling her generally that in cases of zina the condition is repentance so yes sometimes people need to take some time out to repent, follow up their actions with good deeds, clear their minds and emotions.. And there can be some waiting involved in that...

Allah knows best.