Disciplinary

[Reflections]

AsSaalamu Aalaykum WarahmatAllah wabarakatuh,

I just wanted to know your views on your limits of disciplinary- as a parent. Would you raise your hand at your child if they had done something out of line..? Should children have that 'beating' so they know not to cross the line? Do you think having this sort of discipline helps the child when they become older to be a better person? Please share your thoughts insha-Allah.

 

[S.Belle]

AsSaalamu Aalaykum WarahmatAllah wabarakatuh,

I just wanted to know your views on your limits of disciplinary- as a parent. Would you raise your hand at your child if they had done something out of line..? Should children have that 'beating' so they know not to cross the line? Do you think having this sort of discipline helps the child when they become older to be a better person? Please share your thoughts insha-Allah.

well im not a parent....but I find it somewhat unnccessary
A simple look of seriousness and firm tone should be enough and hitting should be a last resort.
I wasnt beat (that just sounds too...harsh) but i was spanked and I felt (as a child)that the only reason I got spanked was bc I got caught lol.
I dont feel it helped me be a better person...maybe it has and I just dont realize it yet..
Simply talking to the child and letting them know that their behavior isnt accepted and why should be enough if they still dont listen then take away some of their privileges.

 

[Human_Being]

well im not a parent....but I find it somewhat unnccessary
A simple look of seriousness and firm tone should be enough and hitting should be a last resort.
I wasnt beat (that just sounds too...harsh) but i was spanked and I felt (as a child)that the only reason I got spanked was bc I got caught lol.
I dont feel it helped me be a better person...maybe it has and I just dont realize it yet..
Simply talking to the child and letting them know that their behavior isnt accepted and why should be enough if they still dont listen then take away some of their privileges.

Same here like spankin did nuthin for me just made me angry lol

I don't hav kids like but i babysit and kids love me i think cuz im always smilin and nice 2 them but as soon as i go quiet and give em "the look" they kno i mean business and do as they're told even ones who misbehave with their parents the parents r like "gasp how did u get them to do that" and sometimes if u reason with them instead of talkin down to them and bend down so ur at eye level and reason with them and they sumtiles decide themselves to do the right thing after u explain why. I never had to raise my hand against a child only that once but i never hit it was a shove cuz it was sum kid on the street started punchin me

 

[sherz_umr]

i was a spoilt hyperactiv crazy kid..my parents usd to scold me,in vain. Once my dad got so pissed, he gave me one tight slap (4 talkin back. Im stil crazy. But all it takes,til this day, is just a look from daddy dearest. I behave.
I thnk its ok to beat, if the child is totally immune to nagging. Usually speaking sternly by smone the child fears or loves is enof.
Though im totaly against beating the pulp out of kids..i feel a small smack with a ruler once in a blue moon for unruly kids is ok,just to remind em whos boss.
Too mch makes them insensitive..bullies.
Wot about grounding? You know 'no tv for u mister' or 'u can kiss ur playstation gudbye 4a month til u learn to behave'.. But id b more rebell4ous than disciplined.

 

[Ğħαrєєвαħ]

Wa Alaaykum As'salaam Wa Rahmatullaah Wa Barahkaatuh

Well, its a hard topic. There are kids who you can beat but it wont make any difference, as mentioned as above, it makes them more rebellious. And some who you will just say a simple word to will simply listen and become sensible and remain quiet.

Personally, i do not like the idea of beating, but i guess sometimes the child becomes totally out of hand, in this case i guess patience is required, not slapping them or anything. I like the idea of disciplining the child. I am no expert in this area, as ive met children who are really cool, but i've seen various situations where the children cries and the parent becomes angry and they may slap or 'beat' the child in some way.

I dont agree on beating children in anyway at all. As far as im aware the Prophet Muhammad (salllaahu alaayhi wa salam) never raised his hand on anyone to beat them. And he loved children.

Therefore, we as muslims are required to follow his sunnah in the best way possible, the only time i know someone beats someone is either if they're angry with them. And ofcourse anger isnt the answer to anything. And come on, why would you raise your hand on a little child? They're still in their cycle of learning in the Dunya, they're little and they have no power over you.

We should try be simple, what we want is for the child to learn, we do this by teaching them in specific ways, such as by love, having peace with them etc. Not by beating the child is young they wont understand your 'good' reasons of why you may be beating them, just because its bad to you, it may not seem so bad to them, you have to teach them in ways. Its sort of similar to when you want to teach a non-muslim about Islaam, you would start by having peace, tolerance, even for the ignorant people who like to mock, tolerance is required. But if we begin by violence or mocking one another, or 'beating' in this case, then ofcourse the outcome will no doubt be negative as it will drive them away from the Al Islaam. There may be people who disagree with me, but do correct me if i have said anything wrong or didnt make any sense.

Simply talking to the child and letting them know that their behavior isnt accepted and why should be enough if they still dont listen then take away some of their privileges.

I agree.

 

[nature]

NO beating is not ok, its unecessary doesnt solve anything and chances are your child will hate you. I had friends that were beaten the crap out of by their parents, they used to wish their parents dead-seriously. theres just no need for it, you should try & relate to a child, not do the easiest thing and beat them. & NO it wont help them become a better person, your looking at it wrong. Follow the sunnah, the prophet never did it, and neither should we. you raise your hand to your child, and they'll hate you forever, it could harm them mentally later on in life. those that say beating is ok, or yeh go ahead give them a slap, then seriously you've no idea what its like. its humiliating to a child.

there are other ways of disciplining, beating isnt one of them.

:wa:

 

[yas2010]

As a mother myself of children aged 7 and 5 even i admit this topic is hard one. Most of the time 'the look' works with my kids or even raising my voice my children both know that they are in deep trouble. I also take away privileges. Such as TV, or going to their martial arts class or going to friends home for lunch, or inviting friends over.
I try and be firm but fair.

 

[Reflections]

Interesting responces, barakAllahufeekum for contributing..

I agree mostly with what has been said..however I would say -depending on the severity of the situation..as a last resort I would raise my hand, not harsh blow or beating the child black and blue, but just to show them how it should be..But then again I don't habe children so I don't know maybe then I wouldn't...I know when I was a child I did get the spanks and for whatever reason it used to be..I did learn my lesson to never go back to it till this day..I do remember somewhere reading a hadeeth on hanging a stick in the house so the children are aware of it and its use...Wallahu a'alam..

 

[Ansariyah]

I dont care wat a child does, or says, u dont ever raise ur hand on a child!

 

[tigerkhan]

islam allowed this but with limitations.
personally i think i can never do such....

 

[nature]

Interesting responces, barakAllahufeekum for contributing..

I agree mostly with what has been said..however I would say -depending on the severity of the situation..as a last resort I would raise my hand, not harsh blow or beating the child black and blue, but just to show them how it should be..But then again I don't habe children so I don't know maybe then I wouldn't...I know when I was a child I did get the spanks and for whatever reason it used to be..I did learn my lesson to never go back to it till this day..I do remember somewhere reading a hadeeth on hanging a stick in the house so the children are aware of it and its use...Wallahu a'alam..

I agree with sis yanoorah. Trust me when you have children, you wont think like this. from experience im telling you it solves nothing, there are other ways of disciplining, just cos it worked for you back then, doesnt mean its gona be same for your child. if you hit your child, chances are they'll prob rebel more ? the best of examples is prophet muhammed (pbuh) he never did it so why should we ? if you raise your child right, there is no reason why you would have to strike your child.

:wa:

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

i think where parents stray in hitting their children is the "context" in hitting their children...the "context" needs to be right for the right type of discipline to be applied and for it to have an affect. for example, some parents just smack their kids out of anger and its just a way to satisfy their anger. in such a case, i dont think smacking will work because the child hasn't done anything to deserve the smack so he/she wont benefit from being smacked....it think she/he will end up in confusion and hurt and may feel quite awkward around the parent because they are unsure if what they may or may not do is correct or incorrect.

but sometimes parents hit their children (not beat up, but light smacks just to drive a point home) in a proper context and do so with justice and in a proper way. in such a case, i think there is nothing wrong with smacking.

children do know when they have done something wrong and so they will take the "punishment" for it. but in the case where they haven't done anything wrong and just get hit for no reason, they wont take the punishment lightly because they dont understand why there were hit (because they know they haven't done anything wrong) and hence, the "discipline" wont be affective at all.

So yes, i do think hitting can work, but its a matter of using it in the correct circumstances and in a correct manner.

 

[Muhaba]

i have seen that kids who get used to being beaten don't listen unless they get a slap. so it's best not to beat them. most of the time you should only be stern when necessary and that will work. if they are used to being loved and treated with love, then whenever they just see you angry / upset, then it will make them feel bad and they will improve their behavior. if they ever do something very wrong, a tiny slap will be enough. on the other hand, if you always yell at them and beat them, you will drive yourself crazy screaming and beating all the time and they will always be trying to make you angrier and more upset. some kids even start to enjoy being yelled at andbeaten so they won't behave until they've gotten a few slaps. so with yelling and beating, you only make the situation worse.

 

[Reflections]

i think where parents stray in hitting their children is the "context" in hitting their children...the "context" needs to be right for the right type of discipline to be applied and for it to have an affect. for example, some parents just smack their kids out of anger and its just a way to satisfy their anger. in such a case, i dont think smacking will work because the child hasn't done anything to deserve the smack so he/she wont benefit from being smacked....it think she/he will end up in confusion and hurt and may feel quite awkward around the parent because they are unsure if what they may or may not do is correct or incorrect.

but sometimes parents hit their children (not beat up, but light smacks just to drive a point home) in a proper context and do so with justice and in a proper way. in such a case, i think there is nothing wrong with smacking.

children do know when they have done something wrong and so they will take the "punishment" for it. but in the case where they haven't done anything wrong and just get hit for no reason, they wont take the punishment lightly because they dont understand why there were hit (because they know they haven't done anything wrong) and hence, the "discipline" wont be affective at all.

So yes, i do think hitting can work, but its a matter of using it in the correct circumstances and in a correct manner.

That's what I mean, Allah forbid I don't mean to come across like as though I want to beat children for the sake of it, but if there is the need-again depending on the circumstances then maybe yes. Children are all different, some who are given the few odd smacks stay straight and some if you do then they rebel even more. It depends on the child and on the parent and their relationship as well.

 

[Ansariyah]

i think where parents stray in hitting their children is the "context" in hitting their children...the "context" needs to be right for the right type of discipline to be applied and for it to have an affect. for example, some parents just smack their kids out of anger and its just a way to satisfy their anger. in such a case, i dont think smacking will work because the child hasn't done anything to deserve the smack so he/she wont benefit from being smacked....it think she/he will end up in confusion and hurt and may feel quite awkward around the parent because they are unsure if what they may or may not do is correct or incorrect.

but sometimes parents hit their children (not beat up, but light smacks just to drive a point home) in a proper context and do so with justice and in a proper way. in such a case, i think there is nothing wrong with smacking.

children do know when they have done something wrong and so they will take the "punishment" for it. but in the case where they haven't done anything wrong and just get hit for no reason, they wont take the punishment lightly because they dont understand why there were hit (because they know they haven't done anything wrong) and hence, the "discipline" wont be affective at all.

So yes, i do think hitting can work, but its a matter of using it in the correct circumstances and in a correct manner.

I disagree

In the case when a child misbehaves physical punishment often produces superfical 'good behaviour' based on fear. How does that resolve anything in the long run? It doesnt!

 

[Ansariyah]

That's what I mean, Allah forbid I don't mean to come across like as though I want to beat children for the sake of it, but if there is the need-again depending on the circumstances then maybe yes. Children are all different, some who are given the few odd smacks stay straight and some if you do then they rebel even more. It depends on the child and on the parent and their relationship as well.

This is how I understood the above :hmm:

Beat the child that can take the beating, n dont hit the child that will resist?

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

First of all...every child is different, every family is different as is their relationship with each other. Nobody is the same. Some kids do NOT listen with just kind and loving words. I dont like this emotional high that people go on. Only that parent knows or should know how they need to deal with the child. Some need only a slight scold or head spinning stare.

Heck im not saying go on a beating rampage...but some do need some smacks here and there. I've seen both first hand. I've gotten my fair share of punishment and it wasnt as easy as losing privileges. That didnt turn me into a deranged psychopath or some kind of rebel. I got it when I deserved it and makes me think twice of doing it again. Yet my mother is my best friend compared to anyone!

Parents learn as they go. You will see how you need to raise and deal with your kids when you have them. You cant necessarily apply your views to the other person. It's different for everyone.

 

[Ummu Sufyaan]

In the case when a child misbehaves physical punishment often produces superficial 'good behavior' based on fear. How does that resolve anything in the long run? It doesnt!

no it doesn't. as i said, its about the correct context. a child will know when he/she has done something wrong and if hitting is needed and applied in the correct manner, then she/he will see what they have done wrong.

hitting is a form of disicpoine. i.e other forms of discipline can be used such as a soul piecing glare, being (sternly etc) talked to, etc. like hitting, if these aren't used in the correct context, they too will have a negative affect on the child. you cant say that a child being talked with the intent of discipline is going to be respectful out of fear and like wise you cant say that a child being hit with the intent of discipline is going to be respectful out of fear.

secondly, it depends on the type of hitting. there is beating (not good) but there is a light hit (noting wrong with that).

thirdly, hitting should be used as a last resort and warnings should be given first hand. having said that, there are some things some kids do, that actually a hit needs to be implement right away without warning, such as when a child shouts/curses, etc at their parents.

on the other side of that, sometimes children need some form of stricter punishment for a good reason such to teach them to keep out of danger.

 

[Nσσя'υℓ Jαииαн]

Btw I still get my share of punishment :hiding: Of course, different than before but punishment nonetheless! After every punishment my mom comes and gives me a hug LOL! I find that cute

 

[Ummshareef]

Wa Alaaykum As'salaam Wa Rahmatullaah Wa Barahkaatuh,

My eldest son is ten now and has been disciplined a couple of times by his dad for not doing his salah properly and is doing much better now mashallah. Other than that we try to avoid corporal punishment. There are many many steps before it should be used and then only as a final resort.