Divorce

[CosmicPathos]

Assalam Alaikum,

I am posting here after a long time.

My question is simple:

Is a muslim man sinful in front of Allah for divorcing his wife because of personality differences, her lack of trust on him , and her parents' extreme interference in his personal life, her being uncomfortable with his mother? Is he sinful in front of Allah for the suffering his wife will go through after he divorces her for the above mentioned reasons? He personally thinks that she will have a much happier life without him in her life as a husband. She tells him that she wants to come back but he does not want to take that risk again as these events have happened in past and his patience has ended/

Any Islamic suggestions would be helpful.

Salam

 

[Muslim Woman]

:wa:


bro , what about offering Istekhara salat ?

 

[Search]

:bism:

bro:

Bro, from what I understand, to take or give divorce on account of clashing personalities is not sinful. However, please do recognize that divorce is one of the most hated halal (permissible) things before Allah SWT. Bro, you know your situation best - none of us know or can completely understand what has led you to this point.

That being said, I want to share with you what my deceased sheikh (Islamic teacher) (may Allah bless him) used to say. He (may Allah bless him) used to say that patience must be to the end, meaning, that a believer must keep to patience until his last breath no matter what comes onto the believer.

Bro, if your wife is willing to reconcile, you at least might want to try again, not for her sake but for your own: I don't want to cause you unease, bro, but finding a marital partner for divorced persons has been discovered to be hard in the wider culture of Muslim communities (even if you're a man). Not impossible, of course, but harder in many more instances than not.

Also, bro, isn't there some good you can find in your wife with which you find it in your heart to give the marriage another try? Think back to any of her good qualities. Think also back to any happier times you spent with her.

Also, since she's willing to reconcile and you're the reluctant party in this scenario, you are in a better position to set the terms for your reconciliation and any direction of your marriage in the future. So, maybe, things will be different this time?

Bro, everything in life is a risk, but great risks carry great reward when they work out. So, yes, there's a risk, but imagine if you succeed.

Finally, after all the above has been said, I should also mention that what sis Muslim Woman has advised is 100% right: You should do istikhara.

Istikhara is in fact an invaluable teaching of Prophet Muhammad sallallaahu alayhi Wasallam (peace and blessings be upon him) with which the Muslims have been immensely favored. Istikhara is a blessing of solace and comfort. A hadith (prophetic tradition) relates that Prophet Muhammad sallallaahu alayhi Wasallam (peace and blessings be upon him) used to teach the istikhara to the Sahaabah (Companions) r.a. (may Allah be blessed with them) like the Quran is taught to children. In another hadith (prophetic tradition), it is stated that, "He does not fail who makes istikhara (guidance prayer) and he does not regret who makes mashwarah (consultation).

So, you have already done mashwarah (consultation) with IB Masha-Allah. So, consider what has been said carefully and consult also your own heart. And please then In-sha-Allah also proceed with istikhara to receive guidance from Allah SWT and entrust your affair entirely to Him SWT and have complete trust that Allah SWT will guide you then to what is 100% best for you.

Take care.

:wa:

 

[CosmicPathos]

wsalam,

jazakAllah for the responses

He has done istikharah once and he shall do it again, iA.

The issue is that the man has lost his patience because these situations have happened in the past multiple times from his wife and her parents. If anything goes against their wishes, hell has been created.

There is good in his wife and he appreciates the good in his wife but his wife has disappointed him multiple times, often siding with her parents, when she should have stood up to defend him. Her parents have consistently mocked his family in public. If he brings his wife back, he knows 2-3 weeks will go fine and then she (or her parents) will start issues again if he does not do things according to their way. This has happened in the past and that is why he thinks this way. He feels that he is stuck in a quagmire of eternal drowning and heartache in this marriage.

W salam

 

[Search]

:bism:



Hello, bro, sorry to hear about the situation.

Bro, take heart: Remember no situation/problem/calamity is bigger than Allah SWT: Allah SWT is with the patient, and Allah SWT has a solution for everything and He SWT alone breaks hearts so that the broken heart can turn to Him SWT:

How to see a problem and turn into a blessing and bliss...

This hadith shows how to look at problems with positive attitude and If a servant of Allah is afflicted with a misfortune and says: "Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un, Allahumma ajirni fi musibati wa akhlif li khairan minha."

(MEANING: "Verily we belong to Allah and truly to Him shall we return. O Allah! Protect me in this calamity that has befallen me and replace it with something better.")

The secret of this dua (supplication) is that Allah will accept one's prayer, grant them reward for their affliction or suffering, and replaces it with something better.

In-sha-Allah you make the best decision for you and her both and in the process find peace and happiness for yourself.

Take care.

:wa:

 

[MidnightRose]

This situation reminds me of a story I read. Perhaps it may be of some use.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Once, a certain Disciple undertook a long journey in order to pay a visit to Hazrat Shah Abul-Hasan Kharqani (Rahmatullah Alaih).

After this long and arduous journey, he finally reached Khaarqaan.

After making enquiries, he finally reached the house of his Shaikh.

He knocked on the door. At the time, Hazrat Shah Saheb (Rahmatullah Alaih) was not at home. He had gone to the forest to collect wood.

From inside the house, Shah Saheb's wife enquired: "Who is there?"

He replied: "I am a traveler, who has traveled a long journey with the sole purpose of visiting Shah Saheb".

The wife was a woman of a bad and bitter temperament.

When she heard about the traveler’s love and confidence in the Shaikh, she became very angry and said:"Didn’t you have anything better to do than to undertake such a long journey with so much difficulty for something so useless?”

She then continued to criticize Hazrat Shah Saheb (Rahmatullah Alaih) in such insulting words that it would be inappropriate even to mention them.

The traveler then departed from the house and inquired from the people about the Shaikh.

He was informed that the Shaikh had gone to the forest to collect wood.

In the love of the Shaikh, he went in that direction.

On the way, he thought to himself: "Such a great and famous Shaikh and he has such a bad-tempered wife. I do not know how such a bad-tempered wife can be blessed with the company of such a man".

While those thoughts were passing through his mind, he saw someone coming on the back of a lion with a bundle of wood.

It was none other than the saint of that time, Hazrat Shah Abul Hasan Kharqani (Rahmatullah Alaih).

When the Shaikh saw the Disciple he burst out laughing. He realized that the words of his wife had sadden and depressed him. He said:

"If my patience did not bear the bitterness of a bad-tempered woman, then why would this lion now carry me around?

I bear the many heavy burdens and difficulties caused by this foolish woman, and these are all borne for Allah Ta’ala's sake as mujahadah.

Because I am beloved and accepted amongst men, and the honor of men causes pride to be created in me.

Thus my pride and arrogance is treated for me by this woman, through her insulting ways and ill-tempered manner."

Taken and adapted from MA’AARIF-E-MATHNAWI: A Commentary of the MATHNAWI Of Hazrat Maulana Jalaluddin Rumi (Rahmatullah Alaihe), pp. 108 - 113

 

[CosmicPathos]

Bro najimuddin, salam,

The story you quote is very interesting. Maybe the wife's ill temper is a way to kill this man's ego. But why should this man's relatives including parents suffer through this agony?

Salam

 

[MidnightRose]

Bro najimuddin, salam,

The story you quote is very interesting. Maybe the wife's ill temper is a way to kill this man's ego. But why should this man's relatives including parents suffer through this agony?

Salam

Wa 'alaikum assalam,

I really don't know. Perhaps for the same reason the Shaykh in the story did - ...for the pleasure of Allah.

 

[Search]

:bism:



Do the parents and relatives not have nafs?

:wa:

Bro najimuddin, salam,

The story you quote is very interesting. Maybe the wife's ill temper is a way to kill this man's ego. But why should this man's relatives including parents suffer through this agony?

Salam

 

[Search]

:bism:



Since we're on this topic, may I share? In-sha-Allah.

My sheikh (may Allah bless him) used to say that it is not important for a man to be given extraordinary spiritual powers but it is the most important sign of spiritual development to be able to endure patiently peoples troubling you. My sheikh (may Allah bless him) used to say that a person may lose their extraordinary spiritual powers and faith power when Iblees rushes on him; however, enduring troubles is for all time. He (may Allah bless him) used to say we must be awakened for everything coming contrary to our liking and be ready to tolerate it as that is the real station of faith. He (may Allah bless him) used to say that when a person is patient, the heart is given satisfaction, and a light comes on your real eyes and is coming more faith.

As to the above advice, I used to once upon a time faithfully follow this advice, and I can honestly say that I tasted the sweetness of iman most then. Now, in life, I am more immersed in dunya and therefore less patient with others (also myself), and I can honestly say my iman is not the same. Yes, if the goal is the pleasure of Allah, then enduring peoples troubling you means endless pleasure of Allah.

:wa:

:wa:

 

[CosmicPathos]

:bism:



Do the parents and relatives not have nafs?

:wa:

w salam

it just seems unfair and unjust for other souls to go through punishment for the crime of another nafs' ego. What if I told you that the man's parents were diagnosed with a deadly disease recently, would not that news be enough to kill their ego?

salam

 

[Search]

:bism:



I'm sorry to hear if that's the case. My father has cancer too. That being said, my father has changed for the better as a person and a Muslim, but to kill the ego is something else. People of the kind bro najimuddin mentioned in his post have undertaken years of khalwa (seclusion) and tolerating all kinds of people's abuses to be able to achieve that feat.

By the way, I am not recommending you to stay in that marriage if it is something that you absolutely cannot fathom. However, since your knowledge of Islam is deeper than most, I'm seeking to you on that deeper level now that I know you'll understand what I'm trying to say.

:wa:

w salam

it just seems unfair and unjust for other souls to go through punishment for the crime of another nafs' ego. What if I told you that the man's parents were diagnosed with cancer recently, would not that news be enough to kill their ego?

salam

 

[MidnightRose]

w salam

it just seems unfair and unjust for other souls to go through punishment for the crime of another nafs' ego. What if I told you that the man's parents were diagnosed with a deadly disease recently, would not that news be enough to kill their ego?

salam

Things can seem unfair and unjust at times. The following video has shed some light on this for me.

 

[Insaanah]

brother,

In matters as serious as the delicate relationship between a husband and wife, this needs both of you to go to elder family members, an imam or scholar, who can listen to both of you, not to just one person. Perhaps there is something in you she might not be happy with. It is best not to consult lay Muslims, who in many cases are young, no experience of marriage etc. When doctors learn medicine, they don't go to an architect to learn it, yes? They go to med school, and learn from qualified people, so that they can treat people safely and so that nobody's life gets put in danger. Similarly, please treat your marriage with that same seriousness, and consult the appropriate people. May Allah rectify your affairs and bring about love, peace and harmony between you both, ameen.

Thread closed.