Do I Move Out Or Not?

[hisnameiszzz]

Salaams all,

Hope everyone is in good health.

I know a lot of you will have read about my problems with my not very nice neighbours but I have a question for you all and would love some advice.

I have come to the decision that I have to move from this house. My health has deteriorated quite badly and I just can't handle it anymore. Apologies if this is too much information but I've began to bleed again when I go to the toilet and I know this is because of stress as I have had this problem in the past (these neighbours have a history of being very anti-social and I have been hospitalised once in the past because of the bleeding!). The bleeding is getting worse and this is having an adverse effect on my overall health. I am constantly worried / anxious / stressed / depressed and I just can't seem to calm myself down. I've tried every single pill under the sun but it does not work. As I have pointed out in a different post, I am struggling to get to sleep also due to the amount of noise coming from next door. I don't even know when I last had a full nights sleep!

The only problem is that my Mom will NOT sell this house nor will she move out. I can't work out why because she is housebound (mobility issues / diabetes etc) and has to listen to all the noise from next door on a daily basis. At least I get out to work and I go to the Masjid and sometimes to the gym (too tired to go these days, I fell asleep on the bicycle last I went!), so I am not constantly harassed. I don't know how she manages, but she does have the patience of a saint. I know she gets quite worried/stressed out about it but she is not one to complain or be ungrateful about anything. I don't know if she has become used to just being patient as the man she was married to (my Dad) was a wicked man and used to treat her like she was his own personal house maid but she never once answered back to him. Just today, she was almost in tears because of the amount of noise that was coming from next door and I could see she was really unhappy about it, but I didn't say anything. I guess she doesn't want to move from here because she has siblings close to her, she has lived most of her life here, we all grew up here, her husband died here, she is elderly and doesn't like the idea of change and she has some good friends in this street who she sometimes keeps in touch.

My question is this - what do I do? Do I try and look for something, rent it and move out on my own, or do I stick at home with my Mom? I do have other siblings but they are almost always at work and do not really have a family team mentality. I have to be open and honest and say they are quite selfish and don't really care / worry about what my Mom has to go through and put up with. They seem to think friends are more important than family, but hey, I can't beat them up and make them think otherwise can I? Also, I seem to have a special bond with my Mom and it's only me she confides in as I am allegedly quite grown up for my age.

There is a part of me that is saying "go, move out and never look back". I would love to do this as the torment from the family next door has actually made me think of suicide, and as I have explained, it is making me quite ill. All my non Muslim friends at work keep saying this to me when they see me ill and so unhappy. But the other part of me does not want to leave my Mom. Other than me, and a brother who does not live with us, she does not have anyone to give her any emotional support or any assistance at all. Though she has brothers and sisters, she never lets on if she is ill or is troubled as she does not want to worry anyone or burden anyone. I help Mom out a lot at home. I went part time at work to keep her company, keep the house clean, take her to all her appointments, help with the cooking and do the shopping. I would happily live in this house for the rest of my life with her, but it's the noise from next door which is killing me.

Having said the above, even if I did move out, I would be worrying about my Mom and the abuse she would have to put up with from next door. I am so confused. I don't know what to do.

What would you do if you were in my position? Would you be patient and stay where you were and keep your Mom happy, or break her heart and move out but keep your own sanity? For me, my Mom always comes first, but the rate that my health is deteriorating, I don't know how much longer I will be sane for! I would struggle financially if I moved out and rented, but I just don't know what to do.

 

[BeTheChange]

Walaikumasalaam

Your situation REALLY angered me! How dare they put you in this situation and make you and your elderly mum feel this way.

How inconsiderate of your neighbors!!

But, i do know in life we come across all sorts of good and bad people.

Okay, what if you don't need to move out. Have you reported the noise levels to your local council? Please put forward a case to them and they will have some gadgets which records noise levels - most likely they will leave this (small) equipment in your house and that will decide if the noise levels are too loud or not. Also, they speak to your neighbour as well to see if they can have a dialogue but if things to do not progress and they fail to co-operate your local council can even taken them to court for you.

Here is the website >> https://www.gov.uk/report-noise-pollution-to-council

Start gathering evidence yourself and keep a log of the times, daily occurrence of noise levels and the loudness of noise and how this is impacting you & your family.

In sha Allah you'll be able to resolve the situation this way.

I wish you the best and i hope you don't have to move out. Ameen. It's not fair that another human being can put so much strain on another without any compassion for another human being.

Please give the above a try and report back to us what happens - in sha Allah we will help

May Allah swa help your neighbours see sense Ameen!

 

[BeTheChange]

I have also found some advice online

Solutions for Noisy Neighbours

Having noisy neighbours can be very unpleasant, but if you are informed you can do something about it. We recommend the following points of advice:

• If you feel safe enough to do so, try to make personal contact. Many times you will find that your neighbours had no idea they were causing a nuisance.
• If you prefer to keep a distance, use an anonymous letter or note. Be amiable, and try to let your neighbour see things from your perspective – if they are reasonable people they are likely to appreciate that everyone needs sleep!
• Collect evidence. If your efforts at informing your neighbours that they are causing a nuisance are unsuccessful, you will benefit from having a diary of their noisy behaviour when you contact the authorities.
• Be safe. When in doubt, do not engage your noisy neighbours – if you fear that they might escalate the situation into something beyond just noise making, or you feel frightened, bullied or intimidated, then contact the police rather than putting yourself into a potentially unsafe situation.

SOURCE: http://www.noisyneighbours.net/involving-the-authorities/

Your exp​

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Thanks so much for your reply sister BETHECHANGE. I really appreciate your kind words and advice. Thanks also for taking the time to look up those documents, may Allah bless you.

The neighbours are not reasonable people. We've tried having dialogue with them in the past, but they always seem to think they are in the right and we are in the wrong. They think it's OK to slam doors all day and night and hoover when they know we are sleeping. Please don't get me wrong, I am not being awkward and looking for problems that are not there, but having doors slammed loudly until 2am on a daily basis is a bit much when you have to be at work for 7am. Eventually it really grinds you down especially when it is taking over your daily life.

Let me give you an example of them. We all have a parking spot each outside our house. They think it's OK to park one of their many cars in our spot. So when my sibling returns from work, he has to park it somewhere else and then move it back once they have moved theirs. This happened 4 times in 1 week, so on the fifth occasion, my sibling went to knock on their door and tell them politely to move their car. After 30 minutes they did. The next day the father gets out his pressure washer, cleaned his yard and leaves all the dirt and debris in our yard. This was in broad daylight so the whole world and his wife could see. So I went out and asked him why he had done that, and he said "I have done nothing wrong, what are you talking about?". I just let it got because that family is just a family of bullies. They never accept when they are in the wrong and it's like banging your head against a brick wall with them.
The local authority won't take much notice unless we were living in a Council house / flat. I actually work for the local authority and I know they take reports but very rarely actually follow it up for people who own their own houses and they say you will have to take it to the Police. If we were living in a Council house / flat, they would put in the small device you were talking about and give the neighbours an ASBO and a warning that they might be evicted. Besides we have explored the complaint procedure in the past and the neighbours just got even more irate.

So what would you suggest sister, do you think I should move out on my own or stay here and just be patient and take the abuse and hope that one day Allah answers my prayers?

Jazakallah again for your time and for the lengthy response.

 

[MuslimInshallah]

Assalaamu alaikum ZZZ,


(smile) I feel that perhaps it would be useful to look at this problem from another angle. You have made some assumptions that I feel are incorrect. (sigh) It would take me a very long time to be able to discuss everything that your situation, your perception of your mother, and your family dynamics suggests to me. And even longer to try to explain what I think might be a more balanced and healthier (and, as Islam encompasses finding balance and harmony, I would say more Islamic) way of looking at these things. So I'm hoping that this story-based approach may be able to say things that are hard to say.


Please believe me, I have a lot of empathy for you.


(smile) And inshAllah, I'll look at practicalities of what you can do a bit later. (smile) Don't take my words too literally and feel physical fighting is what I am advocating. Occasionally, it is necessary. But often, not.


May Allah, the Compassionate, Help you with your greater Jihad.


* * *


“Sabr!” he said, “Wait, you must have patience!”


So I waited. For years. Waited for him to complete his studies. Waited for him to get a job. Waited for him to get a business off the ground. Waited for him to educate his children. Waited for him to stop physically assaulting them. Assaulting me. Waited for him to get his immigration papers together. Waited for him to be a father to my children (his mehr to me..).Waited to have a husband by my side, to help me build our family and home together. Waited for him to say kind words to me.


I waited and waited, hoping that his promises would, one day, finally come true... I invested everything I had to make this marriage work: money, time, work, my self-respect… And when occasionally I would ask when he'd do all the things he talked about doing or suggested he would do if… when..., he would say: Have sabr. Be patient. Wait. And so, through heartache and exhaustion, I waited for the life I'd signed up for.


But it never materialized.


Was I not patient enough? Were my prayers, my pleadings, not heard by Allah? Was I not gentle enough? Kind enough? Patient enough? Forgiving enough? Generous enough? Persevering enough? My husband would exhort me to all these good things, and the perfectionist in me would struggle to forgive, love, give and endure... but nothing got better. Actually, it got worse.


And after my money was all gone, after I did most of the paperwork, after I helped my husband and his children of his first marriage to settle into my country, after I permitted myself to be hurt and humiliated, after I lost myself-respect by permitting and enduring things to myself and those I cared about, that I should not have permitted... I discovered that I was worth nothing to my husband, if I had nothing more my husband required.


And in the face of my pleas to work on our family, to try to bring everyone together, to put the troubles behind us and start afresh... to forgive me... please... he justified his utter lack of care or compassion by saying “You have no iman. You should have had more sabr. If you had been more patient, then everything would have been ok.”


And my world imploded into agony.


* * *


It is said that the rope of Allah is sure and firm. It is said that the Qur'an is this rope. It is said that God's Help is very near, and that He is closer than one's jugular vein.


So I took hold of that rope, and tied it around me to secure myself in this raging torrent of pain, and tried to decode what the flowing patterns of words truly meant.


And I wondered: what is sabr? Is this truly the Arabic word for patience? Does having sabr mean that you tolerate and permit anything and everything? Are the sabireen really the ones that do nothing, no matter what?


So I studied the Hans Wehr Arabic-English dictionary (4[SUP]th[/SUP] edition, compact version). And I found Lane's Lexicon online. And I read the uses of words with the root s-b-r in the Qur'an (the s here, is a sad, not a seen).


And, slowly, slowly, it started tooccur to me that patience is not a good general translation of this word. That the word sabr could be better generally translated as self-restraint. Because this root yields words that have to do with pulling back, restraining, holding in. In the Hans Wehr, the word sabr itself is translated as: fettering, shackling, patience, forbearance,composure, equanimity, steadfastness, firmness, self-control, self-possession, self-command, perseverance, endurance and hardiness.


Self-restraint. Hmm. This is a very active sort of word. Is waiting hopefully, self-restraint? Is quietly submitting to wrong and oppression self-restraint? Is begging and pleading self-restraint? Is giving someone everything they demand self-restraint? Is pouring all your energies into a doomed desired project, self-restraint? Is permitting yourself to be lied to and manipulated, self-restraint? Is tolerating another's vices self-restraint?


On the occasion of the battle of Uhud, there were those that were reluctant to fight. Allah therefore sent down certain ayat addressing this reluctance. In one, He Says (Qur'an3:142):


Sahih International


Or do you think that you will enter Paradise while Allah has not yet made evident those of you who fight in His cause and made evident those who are steadfast?


The word for those who are steadfast here is sabireen. Hmm. Sabireen. These people are being exhorted to fight, so that it may be seen which of them are sabireen?!


Someone who passively waits and hopes, who wants to believe lies, who obeys to do that which they should not, who avoids fights because they're difficult, painful, and is afraid of losing something (like love, community status or respect, a dream of an intact family, say)... can such a person be considered among the sabireen?


There are those in positions of power and authority over us, whether they be spouses or parents or teachers or community leaders… anyone... there are those who will abuse their position and try to justify their actions, or dupe us into following them, through twisting Islam and confusing our minds.


(smile) But if we look towards our primary sources and explore what Allah wants of us, if we clear the noise away and take the time to think, we can see and understand more clearly.


(smile) And I realized that my now ex-husband was right (though not in the way that he would have had me believe)... I did lack true sabr during those years of our marriage.


Because sabr is not about people-pleasing and self-abasement. It is about pleasing Allah and restraining our weaknesses. And if it seems to be easier to let things slide and tolerate the crossing of limits… then the restraint of the self surely implies holding to one's dignity and enforcing boundaries.


(smile) But just as after the battle of Uhud (and the horrific mutilation of the dead by the Meccans), we must make sure that we don't cross the boundaries, either. No matter what injustice or pain another may have done to us, we must be careful not to over-react and cross Allah's Limits.


And this, too, is sabr.

 

[greenhill]

Stay or go? I would go. I've read enough to know that it won't change for you and it's driving you insane.

Something caught my eye in your writing. That is about taking every pill under the sun. I stress myself if I take medicine regularly. Even panadol stuff. It's poison to the system. Having combination of them can wreak havoc to your system. Some may react with others causing unknown side effects etc. I am linking this with the possibility of it causing your bleedings.. Allah knows.

Belief in the power of self. We are given will, we are given intellect, we can grow. Find yourself a peaceful place. Cut out the pills. Have good meals and exercise. Invite your mum regularly over. Perhaps she'll like the peace and move in with you eventually.

You don't have to go far. Anywhere in the neighbourhood, just not next door to those noisy and inconsiderate people.


eace:

 

[Muhaba]

I agree with what was written above. however, regarding your bleeding, you should really see a doctor. I'm unsure if it can be caused by stress. It may be a urinary tract infection or kidney problems and both require medical treatment. May Allah help you.

 

[hisnameiszzz]

Thanks to the other posters on this thread. Thanks for your time.

I had a little chat with my Mom this afternoon and mentioned that I was interested in moving out, not too far, somewhere local, just for my own peace of mind. I told her I was more than happy to cook for her and the others and bring it home, and even come and clean the house. I explained what the noise from next door was doing to me and she did the whole "guilt trip / crying all over the place / then ignoring me for half the day" thing.

I know in Islam, a Mom is very important, but what would prevail in this situation? My sanity or my Moms wishes? I can vaguely remember a story I heard in a bayan about someone wanting to go for Hajj and his Mom was not well, and the person was told to look after his Mom as that was more important. What about my situation?

MUHABA - Apologies in advance, as this is too much information, but it's not blood from the front, it's dark blood from the back. I've had this problem before. I was told that stress made my intestines cranky hence bleeding when going to the toilet.

Please could you all say a special prayer for me tonight. I'm at work early tomorrow morning and I need some sleep or else I might just breakdown!

Jazakallah.