Solid_snake. May Allah swt bless you and guide you to the truth. I recognized in your beautiful post the voice of one longing for the truth. May Allah make it easy for you.
You are searching for Hidayah (guidance) from your Lord. Allah swt tells us in the Qur'an who recieves it and who does not.
42:13...Allah chooses to Himself those whom He pleases, and guides to Himself those who turn (to Him).
29:69 And those who strive in Our (cause),- We will certainly guide them to our Paths: For verily Allah is with those who do right.
The ones who will not recieve the guidance:
45:23 Then seest thou such a one as takes as his god his own vain desire? Allah has, knowing (him as such), left him astray, and sealed his hearing and his heart (and understanding), and put a cover on his sight. Who, then, will guide him after Allah (has withdrawn Guidance)? Will ye not then receive admonition?
Brother, I want to encourage you not to give up. The only thing that can defeat you on your journey is if you fall prey to your desires. Strive for the truth. Turn your face towards your Loving Creator, and you will find your eyes moist with tears, your heart soft with piety. I advise you to arm yourself well before going into battle against Shaytan and the animal desires. You will need a shield to defend yourself against his attacks. That shield is described int he Qur'an:
29:45 Recite what has been revealed to you of the Book and establish As-Salât. Verily, As-Salât (the prayer) shields against great sins and every kind of evil. And remembrance of Allah is the greatest (thing in life) without doubt! And Allâh knows what you do.
My brother, do not only perform the Salat (prayer), but
establish it as the Qur'an commands. To establish something is to make it firm and regular. To make it procedure, and to perform it with others. This is your shield. And the shield is built out of the strongest material, the
Dhikr (rememberance) of One's Creator. For surely the remeberance of the Lord of the Heavens drives away every evil thought.
My brother, fear your Lord, lest you come unprepared on such a day:
41:19-23. And (remember) the Day that the enemies of Allâh will be gathered to the Fire, so they will be collected there (the first and the last).
Till, when they reach it (Hell-fire), their hearing (ears) and their eyes, and their skins will testify against them as to what they used to do.
And they will say to their skins, "Why do you testify against us?" They will say: "Allâh has caused us to speak, as He causes all things to speak, and He created you the first time, and to Him you are made to return."
And you did not veil yourselves, lest your ears, and your eyes, and your skins testify against you, but you thought that Allâh knew not much of what you were doing.
And that thought of yours which you thought about your Lord, has brought you to destruction, and you have become (this Day) of those utterly lost!
May Allah swt guide us all and save us from Hell fire. As the Prophet Muhammad saws said:
The (Hell) Fire is surrounded by all kinds of desires and passions (Sahih Bukhari Volume 8, Book 76, Number 494)
mg: :wub: aww! :sister: 
