Domestic Violence: Why Women Endure?

[ardianto]

If a husband beaten by his wife and he does not beat back, it's not because he afraid to his wife, but because he loves his wife. He can defeat his wife easily if he wants. But his love to his wife makes him choose to guide his wife becomes a wife who can respect him, slowly and softly.

But women are different. They want to escape or beat back, but they afraid their husbands will abuse them worse. This is the difference between domestic violence that happened to husbands and to wives.

Have you seen women who became victims of domestic violence?. Look at their faces, and you will see a fear.

 

[Muhaba]

it really does depend on the way the woman is raised and taught by society while growing up. it has to do all of society and to change the treatment of women, society needs to change how it raises and trains both men and women.
if boys are taught that it is not okay to beat women then they won't do it. Although Allah gives men the right to hit their wives when necessary, there are limits to this and God says to men in various places in the Quran that theymust treat their wives in a good way. Allah says: و عاشروا هن لاالمعروف See Surah Al-Nisa and Surah Talaq for more commands

 

[tigerkhan]

 

[ardianto]

(maybe) special for domestic violence cases that happen in Indonesia, one important factor that cannot be ignored is alcohol. Especially in poor and uneducated communities. Mostly of husbands who abuse their wives in these communities are alcoholic.

Those husbands fall into alcohol as a way out from their life problems. And when they have fallen into alcohol, their personalities began to changed, they become selfish. They do not care about their families, they care only to themselves. Many of them also fall into other ma'siat, gambling and zina.

Mostly of domestic violence cases in Indonesia happened because the wives try to remind their husbands about their responsibilities for family. But their husbands response it with violence to make their wives afraid and let them do whatever they want.


Of course, we cannot ignore a reality that not every wife is good. There are wives who neglect their duties as a wife. But in my place, husbands who have wives like this prefer to divorce their wives than beat to make their wives obey them.

 

[marwen]

Good thread.

I really find it hard to believe how some men are able to hit a woman, let alone a woman who is his wife after engaging in a marriage relationship. I can't imagine how they can live together afer that :hmm:.

Allah says (in surat Al nisaa') :
يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُواْ لَا يَحِلُّ لَكُمۡ أَن تَرِثُواْ ٱلنِّسَآءَ كَرۡهً۬ا*ۖ وَلَا تَعۡضُلُوهُنَّ لِتَذۡهَبُواْ بِبَعۡضِ مَآ ءَاتَيۡتُمُوهُنَّ إِلَّآ أَن يَأۡتِينَ بِفَـٰحِشَةٍ۬ مُّبَيِّنَةٍ۬*ۚ وَعَاشِرُوهُنَّ بِٱلۡمَعۡرُوفِ*ۚ فَإِن كَرِهۡتُمُوهُنَّ فَعَسَىٰٓ أَن تَكۡرَهُواْ شَيۡـًٔ۬ا وَيَجۡعَلَ ٱللَّهُ فِيهِ خَيۡرً۬ا ڪَثِيرً۬ا (١٩) ]وَإِنۡ أَرَدتُّمُ ٱسۡتِبۡدَالَ زَوۡجٍ۬ مَّڪَانَ زَوۡجٍ۬ وَءَاتَيۡتُمۡ إِحۡدَٮٰهُنَّ قِنطَارً۬ا فَلَا تَأۡخُذُواْ مِنۡهُ شَيۡـًٔا*ۚ أَتَأۡخُذُونَهُ ۥ بُهۡتَـٰنً۬ا وَإِثۡمً۬ا مُّبِينً۬ا (٢٠) وَكَيۡفَ تَأۡخُذُونَهُ ۥ وَقَدۡ أَفۡضَىٰ بَعۡضُڪُمۡ إِلَىٰ بَعۡضٍ۬ وَأَخَذۡنَ مِنڪُم مِّيثَـٰقًا غَلِيظً۬ا (٢١)
"O ye who believe! It is not lawful for you forcibly to inherit the women (of your deceased kinsmen), nor (that) ye should put constraint upon them that ye may take away a part of that which ye have given them, unless they be guilty of flagrant lewdness. But consort with them in kindness, for if ye hate them it may happen that ye hate a thing wherein Allah hath placed much good. (19) And if ye wish to exchange one wife for another and ye have given unto one of them a sum of money (however great), take nothing from it. Would ye take it by the way of calumny and open wrong? (20) How can ye take it (back) after one of you hath gone in unto the other, and they have taken a strong pledge from you? (21)"

Allah called marriage contract a "strong pledge" (مِّيثَـٰقًا غَلِيظً۬ا).
Even if you are not able to live with your wife anymore and you want to divorce her, you are not permitted to offend her or hurt her or be unjust with her.

Violence against women is a very atrocious thing, and it exists in some houses. But that's said, it's always unjust to generalize this fact or any fact. And it's incorrect and unjust to associate violence to a particular culture or group of people because violence is a personal behaviour, it depends on the personal codition of the person who uses violence (life condition, psychology, intellectual level, etc. ).
And it's also wrong to mix between a conservative person and a violent person. Being conservative is a choice based on personal views, and it's not necessary that a person expresses his conservative views with violence.

Generalizing separate facts and associating violence to a particular culture or religion is wrong and is only serving for other agendas.

 

[patientgrace]

Many women stay in abusive marriages for a number of reasons... I believe they main thing is they are afraid to leave because if they have been financially taken care of for so long, they are abused and told that they will never amount to anything if they leave or that they will never be able to make it on their own without their abusive spouse... Women who stay in these types of relationships IMO already have a low self esteem and do not have a strong sense of self-worth.

If a woman is abused daily physically or verbally, over time her confidence and self esteem are non existent. Her spouse has then been successful in bringing her down because that is where he wants her to be, that way she doesn't gain any control or power because he wants to remain in control.

It happens to so many women out there world-wide and they all stay in silence... some women stay due to religious beliefs, they made their vow to their spouse for better or for worse. They live daily walking on eggshells in hopes that day will be a good day for them, and they will not have to go to bed crying, putting ice on their black eye or feeling degraded.

I will say, that when I was married, and my husband began to abuse me physically or mentally, I would have left. My daughters never would have deserved to live in that kind of environment, and I always do my best to set an example for them, what kind of mother would I be if I stayed in a relationship like that where it was considered "okay" to be beaten up? I certainly wouldn't want my daughters staying in something like that, they know they are worth more. I tried to set an example as the strong willed type of woman I would want my daughters to be, to show them that it is okay to be independent, beautiful and smart and you can still be respected.

 

[Paprika]

Most women I know in this day and age will leave their husbands coz they feel he is not giving her everything she wants let alone being abusive.

Nowadays the attitude is, "My way or the highway" Sorry if that sounds negative, but in all honesty I know more men putting up with mentally abusive wives than women putting up with physically abusive husbands.

 

[ardianto]

Most women I know in this day and age will leave their husbands coz they feel he is not giving her everything she wants let alone being abusive.

Nowadays the attitude is, "My way or the highway" Sorry if that sounds negative, but in all honesty I know more men putting up with mentally abusive wives than women putting up with physically abusive husbands.

I will not deny it, but I need to add a note: This is happen only in certain communities, and based on dominant mindset in those communities.

 

[sofiap]

I don't think men can really understand the level of abuse a woman goes through,unless they have witnessed it first hand,or understand Abuse such as that. Abuse at work,or family members is something we can not compare with abuse within the homes. Yes i agree the challenges we have with other people indeed does test us and allows us to be better people,Alhumduillah. It teaches us tolerance, patience,of course,and pushes us towards Allaah in many ways,Alhumdulilah. But what we forget the one who is unjust is in fact in sin[unless one amends his/her way,and repents]any circumstances which holds injustice is going against the Creator and humanity itself. I am currently involved with a wonderful lady,who tried to give up her life, due to her circumstances several times, because she felt trapped, taking constant abuse,and mental abuse is very bad,without going to any details,trust me,Its very aharsh. A spouse is a person who has vowed to take care of you,the one who is to Protect you. As Allaah is Our witness, People don't understand Islam,and will twist ayats etc..to also take advantage of thier position. Allah says not to take HIs ayats as jest, this is what is going on in the muslim community.

Mankind[both genders] who hasn't reached a certain level of awareness/conciousness will look at ways to justify their negative methods, doesn't matter what belief they hold,where as the good man will always look at a peaceful way of always resolving issues, and one who looks within himself first to detect the blame/fault with fairness and justice and always ready to admit fault.
I really do believe that more needs to be done by our community elders,and those who hold positions of influence to tackle sensitive issues in a more wholesome way, to help first solve the problems if that is what the couples mutually want. Somtimes when information is given,it has no disregard how it can or will effect people in a negative way. Depth is a thing that should not be ignored. Islam is very just and fair deen,and holds both parties accountable. Islam was not created just for the purpose of man,but mankind[and the nation of jin ofcourse] “Thebelieving men and believing women are allies of one another. They enjoin what is right and forbid what is wrong and establish prayer and give zakāh and obeyAllāhand His Messenger. Those –Allāhwill have mercy upon them." (Tawbah: 71) We can do our part by reminding the right and forbiding wrong,insha Allaah..May Allaah shows us our wrongdoings,and give us the understanding of how we can apply His Wisdom.

 

[sofiap]

* Islam was not created for the purpose for man to indulge in HIS wants,disregarding the other gender,but to look to eachother with mercy, and to bring the best in eachother,and bring eachother towards Allaah*

 

[ardianto]

Calm down, sister sofiap, calm down.

I have been married for almost 18 years and never beat my wife. And there are many husbands in the world who never beat their wives too. I believe brothers here are type of men like this.

 

[sofiap]

when wrong and truth is being exposed why should i calm down..? is it ok for the woman to suffer in silence? go to the ladies shelters,and see what the real stories are, and you will come out feeling physically sick,..Truthful maybe to the bone? I haven't suggested all men,so please do not take it personal,it is meant for those whose mentality maybe have traits, there understandings needs to change,if you understood what women have been through,one would not even be saying calm..lol.but sister we are doing our bit to keep our women safe, by educating ourselves and others...its seems everytime im telling the truth someone wishes to calm me down..i too have been married for 21 years,i haven't been abused,but it upsets me when other sisters are suffering, and men think that abusers will boast about their injustice? Im not talking about a slap here and there. Attitudes to hush allows the continuation of abuse in homes, women are trapped,i am upset for my sisters,so i will not apologise for this, We should be firm against brutality,just because brother you are not a abuser,does not lessen the urgency for it to be addressed, good for you and i pray Allaah blesses your marriage further 18 years and more insha Allaah..why do ladies get hushed,when it effects us? . no one wants to know the ugly realities of the world of a woman..I will not not speak up about this,as Allaah tells us to speak against injustice,and those ladies who are being abused their confidence is not built like mine and yours,we really need to look at truth and not stick our heads in the sand...please go to the shelters and meet these sisters..

 

[sofiap]

:hmm:And i thought i was being gentle by mentioning both sexes will be accountable...:statisfie The reality is men too are victims to abuse, not at the same level as some of these ladies,but there are smaller incidents of this,and i would speak out for them too,fight for them too. Islam gives tenderness,fairness and justice that this worlds needed and needs. I'm not suggesting its islam is at fault. I know enough to know this,but it is the lack of correct education for our people and we shouldn't be afraid to talk about the issues, and try to make a difference by Allaahs grace..

 

[patientgrace]

Most women I know in this day and age will leave their husbands coz they feel he is not giving her everything she wants let alone being abusive.

Nowadays the attitude is, "My way or the highway" Sorry if that sounds negative, but in all honesty I know more men putting up with mentally abusive wives than women putting up with physically abusive husbands.

I can agree with you in some of your posts. I believe it is because so many women these days have become more independent and think that anything implying that they cannot do something is considered "sexist". Women want to feel that they have just as much right and power as any man... I know plenty of women that brag about how they "wear the pants" in their relationship. In all reality, I believe that a wife should be submitting to her husband and a man should be the spiritual leader and rock of the family/household. In another stand point, with the younger generation of young adults/teenagers, they are not being raised to fully understand how good husbands and wives should "act", and their values are just so not what they used to be, and I think it is because many parents have become lazy.

If women get the attitude that it is their way or the highway, then I guess in some ways it can lead the man to feel incompetent and not like he is the "man of the house". I have a friend who would constantly bark orders at her husband and never said a please or thank you to him. She had said "its his job, a happy wife is a happy life"... he would cater to her every demand! We were at a dinner one evening and I actually got embarrassed for her. I would never in a million years ever think about talking to my spouse in that manner! Then she persisted to "joke" about how he was useless and how if he wanted "it" (sex) later, then he better remember who was the boss!

I am not advocating that all women are like this, but with your topic women being abusive to men as well, I definitely can see it. I was just raised with mutual respect, common courtesy and a man that is the leader of the house in all ways. Men and women both get physically and verbally abused, you just do not hear it from men as much because I feel they feel a bit embarrassed to admit that they are "allowing" their wives to dominate them.

 

[CosmicPathos]

not at the same level as some of these ladies

this discredits your authority and you cannot be taken seriously anymore.

salam.

 

[ardianto]

when wrong and truth is being exposed why should i calm down..?

Of course you should calm down. If you could not calm down, you would lost your self control and you would not be able to help the abused wives.

When an abused wife come to you, let her cry. But then tell her to calm down, and bring her to institution or people who capable to handle domestic violence case. Notice the helper in the ladies shelter. Do they look emotional? or remain calm in helping the domestic violence victim?. It's very important to remain calm when you help a victim.

I know what and how domestic violence is.

 

[ardianto]

One day, two cars stopped in front of my office. They were involved in light traffic accident and got light damage. One was driven by a man about 35, one was driven by a woman about 40. They quarreled and blamed each other.

I approached them and suddenly I saw the man raised his hand, intends to beat the woman. But I held his hand "No, bro, don't! she's a woman". Then I guided him back to his car, but the woman provoked him with abusive words. It made the man angry again, he turned to that woman again and ready to beat her, I held his hand again, and 'pushed' him back to his car. The woman provoked him with abusive word again. But I told him "let me handle it". Then I walked to that woman, looked into her eyes and shout "go home..!!!". She look scared and left us.

Yes, verbally abusive women and wives are exist. But the right way to handle them is not physical abuse. There are other ways to handle women like this without men hit them.

 

[patientgrace]

One day, two cars stopped in front of my office. They were involved in light traffic accident and got light damage. One was driven by a man about 35, one was driven by a woman about 40. They quarreled and blamed each other.

I approached them and suddenly I saw the man raised his hand, intends to beat the woman. But I held his hand "No, bro, don't! she's a woman". Then I guided him back to his car, but the woman provoked him with abusive words. It made the man angry again, he turned to that woman again and ready to beat her, I held his hand again, and 'pushed' him back to his car. The woman provoked him with abusive word again. But I told him "let me handle it". Then I walked to that woman, looked into her eyes and shout "go home..!!!". She look scared and left us.

Yes, verbally abusive women and wives are exist. But the right way to handle them is not physical abuse. There are other ways to handle women like this without men hit them.

I agree 100% that physical punishment is never the answer for men or women. There are many other productive ways to get your point across that do not require pushing, hitting, leaving bruises, or even yelling.

 

[ardianto]

I agree 100% that physical punishment is never the answer for men or women. There are many other productive ways to get your point across that do not require pushing, hitting, leaving bruises, or even yelling.

I didn't have choice other than shout at her. She provoked and insulted that man with words that very rude. So, I must make her go before that man lose control and really beat her.

But I never shout like that to my wife. She was my close friend since we meet in grade 12 in high school. This was pure friendship. She had an abusive boyfriend who often abuse her verbally and sometime physically, but didn't really love her even didn't care of her. This is why she was close to me, not to her boyfriend. When she wanted to have something she always told me, and I bought everything that she want. Including when she wanted to get higher education. She chose to take one year computer course, and I paid the bill. She was coming from poor family while i am from middle class.

But like I have said, that was pure friendship. Later I meet another girl who I made me fell in love and want to marry her. But later this girl left me. That's happened after the girl who now become why wife could leave her abusive boyfriend. So, we made promise to marry each other. And her first request was, I should promise I would never abuse her. I still and always hold this promise.

 

[sofiap]

again, and then trying to address it, receiving reactions from brothers who say they fear Allaah, how long are we going to stick our heads in the sand? I teach my obys about I was calm in the first one..lol, but passionate in the wrong being committed, again and treatment of women,im a other,its my job to instill in them the attquette,and how their dad behaves with me and me with him will given them directions in sha Allaah..

Denial is a big problem in our community. I have witnessed that muslim brothers like to ignore/deny these problems exist, may be because they feel it is how things should be . well your wrong…Allaah talks a lot about treating eachother with ‘kindness’ ,and to ‘protect’ one another, not to treat the wife as a slave to HIS desires, but rather to work together in mutual UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE.
It seems most born muslims need to refresh what islam is about and leave the culture that is against islam and harms the benefit of the community.. some men feel that women must have done something wrong to deserve the ‘punishment’, but the irony is that most problems begin because men withhold due rights of the wife which starts some hostility, so those men create the atmosphere, yes and women react, and then they are punished ,for whose inability? Sisters should not take unnecessary advantage of men as well as men should not take unnecessary advantage of women, Allaah warns us all about this kind of behaviour, about going past the limits set by Allaah in all part of our lives. “O ye who believe! Stand firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do” (4:136).brother you would have to understand the frustration..Allaah tell us about the act of two people in marriage.. “Among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are signs for those who reflect” (30:21),

Any hooo I'm afraid that shelters help only those women who have the courage to make that first move. its really hard for them,as they fear,the husbands will find where they are,and what they will do then? Even divorce is made difficult for women by some men..Allah warns men of such nature And when you divorce women and they reach their prescribed time, then either retain them in good fellowship or set them free with liberality, and do not retain them for injury, so that you exceed the limits, and whoever does this, he indeed is unjust to his own soul; and do not take Allah’s communications for a mockery, and remember the favor of Allah upon you, and that which He has revealed to you of the Book and the Wisdom, admonishing you thereby; and be careful (of your duty to) Allah, and know that Allah is the Knower of all things.[2:231]If you fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for agreement, Allah will cause their reconciliation: For Allah hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things. [4:35]

When women can not suffer any more damaged, they want out. The abuse over the years built resentment and hatred within the wife’s heart, love grows with love,not with mistreatment.. Too many are forced back in unhappy marriages, especially if kids are involved...if they both can build a relationship, Alhumduillah..
force should not be applied but good sincere advice should be given,...O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.

Allah does not 'hate' divorce, as many believe, otherwise he would not allow such a thing. Divorce is a mercy, like wise is marriage, it is up to us not to misuse these mercys. Allaah warns us about transgressing limits, these warning are to both man and woman. We have been given clear solutions in the Quran, of how to conduct our affairs and steps are given to both parties, so that things are done is a civilised way. May Allah help us to cling to the Quran and its truth and and help us reject all that is contradictory, not matter how authentic it may seem…

again, and then trying to address it, receiving reactions from brothers who say they fear Allaah, how long are we going to stick our heads in the sand? I teach my obys about I was calm in the first one..lol, but passionate in the wrong being committed, again and treatment of women,im a other,its my job to instill in them the attquette,and how their dad behaves with me and me with him will given them directions in sha Allaah..

Denial is a big problem in our community. I have witnessed that muslim brothers like to ignore/deny these problems exist, may be because they feel it is how things should be . well your wrong…Allaah talks a lot about treating eachother with ‘kindness’ ,and to ‘protect’ one another, not to treat the wife as a slave to HIS desires, but rather to work together in mutual UNDERSTANDING AND LOVE.
It seems most born muslims need to refresh what islam is about and leave the culture that is against islam and harms the benefit of the community.. some men feel that women must have done something wrong to deserve the ‘punishment’, but the irony is that most problems begin because men withhold due rights of the wife which starts some hostility, so those men create the atmosphere, yes and women react, and then they are punished ,for whose inability? Sisters should not take unnecessary advantage of men as well as men should not take unnecessary advantage of women, Allaah warns us all about this kind of behaviour, about going past the limits set by Allaah in all part of our lives. “O ye who believe! Stand firmly for justice, as witnesses to Allah, even as against yourselves, or your parents, or your kin, and whether it be (against) rich or poor: for Allah can best protect both. Follow not the lusts (of your hearts), lest you swerve, and if you distort (justice) or decline to do justice, verily Allah is well-acquainted with all that you do” (4:136).brother you would have to understand the frustration..Allaah tell us about the act of two people in marriage.. “Among His signs is this, that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that ye may dwell in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your (hearts): verily in that are signs for those who reflect” (30:21),

Any hooo I'm afraid that shelters help only those women who have the courage to make that first move. its really hard for them,as they fear,the husbands will find where they are,and what they will do then? Even divorce is made difficult for women by some men..Allah warns men of such nature And when you divorce women and they reach their prescribed time, then either retain them in good fellowship or set them free with liberality, and do not retain them for injury, so that you exceed the limits, and whoever does this, he indeed is unjust to his own soul; and do not take Allah’s communications for a mockery, and remember the favor of Allah upon you, and that which He has revealed to you of the Book and the Wisdom, admonishing you thereby; and be careful (of your duty to) Allah, and know that Allah is the Knower of all things.[2:231]If you fear a breach between them twain, appoint (two) arbiters, one from his family, and the other from hers; if they wish for agreement, Allah will cause their reconciliation: For Allah hath full knowledge, and is acquainted with all things. [4:35]

When women can not suffer any more damaged, they want out. The abuse over the years built resentment and hatred within the wife’s heart, love grows with love,not with mistreatment.. Too many are forced back in unhappy marriages, especially if kids are involved...if they both can build a relationship, Alhumduillah..
force should not be applied but good sincere advice should be given,...O ye who believe! Ye are forbidden to inherit women against their will. Nor should ye treat them with harshness, that ye may Take away part of the dower ye have given them,-except where they have been guilty of open lewdness; on the contrary live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If ye take a dislike to them it may be that ye dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good.

Allah does not 'hate' divorce, as many believe, otherwise he would not allow such a thing. Divorce is a mercy, like wise is marriage, it is up to us not to misuse these mercys. Allaah warns us about transgressing limits, these warning are to both man and woman. We have been given clear solutions in the Quran, of how to conduct our affairs and steps are given to both parties, so that things are done is a civilised way. May Allah help us to cling to the Quran and its truth and wisdom