Don't Go, I Hate You.

[anonymous]

Today, I tried to cut myself. Unfortunately the ruler was not good enough for the job, and so was my courage.
Besides, I didn't want my parents to know about him. Yea, him.*
He who I fell for. Or maybe it was an imaginary love. I don't know. But all I know is, I got so involved in it,* I didn't know what I was doing to myslef. He didn't love me, that I'm sure of, though I did yearn for it. It made me crazy. I didn't and still don't understand myself. Whenever he didn't treat me the way I wanted him to, or expected him to, I would start thinking that he hates me and this...crazy part of me would snap out and lash at him with harsh words and unnecessary arguements. Later I would feel ashamed and confused...like, what the hell did I do?! I think maybe I wanted to hate him. I expected too much from him,* and when he says something different...I can't even think.

I have different views of him. One day he is bad, he is not worth it, and I just hate him terribly. Another day, I'm nothing compared to other people. He deserves better. But I love him. I hate him. Love. Hate. Love. Hate. It's like a tornado and a volcano combined inside me!
Then there is my little kitten. I loved her so much. So much that when she doesn't show me affection or doesn't come to me when i call her, I would torture her, carry her by her tail and throw her. It's a rage I can't control. I want her to love me.

"Why is she running away from me? How could she do that, doesn't she know I love her?* She can't do that, she can NEVER run away from me!!!"
I torture her.
Then,
"Poor kitty, I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry I'm sorry".
* I start crying as the guilt surfaces and makes me aware of what I have just done.
It's the same with him.
I turn into a monster when I go mad. I go mad when the people I love don't show me any affection. I get ideas like,* he likes someone else. I accused him of having a relationship so many times and the best part is, WE ARE NOT EVEN IN A RELATIONSHIP!
When we are having conversations,* I would make sure that I'm the one who ends the conversation first,* because I know and have been hurted so many times when he says he has to go, even if it is 2 in the morning. I'm scared. I start thinking he doesn't like me.
This is why I am writing this, not to seek advice, because I already know what is right what is wrong; I should never speak to him again, it is haram, I should never expect too much if a person...bla bla, but what I need is to know if I have a personality disorder or something. I would be glad actually, if I'm told that it is a mental problem. Because I can't take it anymore. I can never understand myself.
I read about BPD and it's like I don't even have to explain myself.* Everything is in there. Everything fits.
I'm scared, when I have a husband, kids...what if I treat them this way? Do I need therapy? Do I really have BPD?

 

[Alpha Dude]

My humble advice is that you do more dhikr: Actual conscious remembrance of Allah with total sincerity. Remembering Allah within the heart protects from shaytanic waswas/whispers and guides us into realising our higher purpose. As a result of which, we less care about mundane stuff and get less bothered when people (apparently) don't like us, or whatever else.

 

[~Zaria~]

Please sister, I appeal to you to seek help.

- First consult with your imaam in your area, who is qualified in dealing with problems related to jinn
(if you reside in the UK, then let us know - in shaa Allah, you will be guided towards someone who is trustworthy by our members)

- If this is not the problem, please consult a psychiatrist as soon as possible - it is very possible that you may be suffering from a mood/ psychotic disorder that requires medical treatment.

- As importantly, I am pleading on behalf of the cat - please give her away to either a friend/ family member/ animal shelter.
Please.
I am not blaming you for your actions - but please realise that the cat is innocent, and does not deserve to go through this.
She feels pain just as you do and cannot understand what is going on.
So, please - for the sake of the cat, and perhaps until you can find help with regards to this problem - let her go.

In the interim, recite 'A’oodhu Billahi min al-Shaytan il-rajeem' whenever you are feeling in the above manner,
Ayatul Kursi, last 2 chapters of Quran (surah Falaq, surah Naas) after each fardh salaah and at night,
Surah Baqarah (or its last 2 verses) at night,
Recite Quraan and abundant zikrullah

It would be a good idea to get rid of your TV set, music from your home as well <--- these agents beckon Shaytaan into our homes, if we only realised.


May Allah (subhanawataála) remove whatever is troubling you, and keep you (and your cat) in His protection.
Ameen.


:wasalam:

 

[anonymous]

Alpha dude, he did like me at the first, but because of my crazy ways n equally crazy fights, he started hating me
Zaria, don't worry, I've learnt not to get too attatched to the cat. I still love her afterall. I stay away from her as far as possible n my sister makes sure I don't do anything to her.

 

[ardianto]

I understand if you're angry and frustrated because the man you love does not love you the way that you expect and do not treat you like you want. But the question is, who exactly is this man in your life? your boyfriend? your husband?

Not! he's just a man that you like. Not different than other men who've made you impressed. However, specific to this man you build an imaginary world where he became a prince and you as a princess. But you also live in the real world where you realize that this man is not yours. This is what makes you angry.

Is this a mental disorder?. No, no. This happens just because you have not mature enough in the way of thinking. You do not want to accept the fact that the real world is different from the imaginary world. In the imaginary world you can get whatever you want, but in the real world you can not always get what you want.

Then, start learning to be an adult. Start by realizing the fact that he was someone else to you. You can not expect him to be as you wish, and you can not prevent him if he would choose another girl.

Leave the imaginary world and get back to your real life before. Start to develop your personality to become a mature woman who understands how is life in the real world.

 

[anonymous]

Oh wow, first someone assumes im pseosssed by a Jinn ( thanks a lot btw, i had a wonderful time trying to get to sleep), n now im immature.
look, i appreciate ur concern n i respect ur advice, but im sick of all this. no one can understand what im really trying to say. ur just grasping on the fact that im upset he doesn't love me back. well screw that ive gotten over him that loser.
I dont know how to explain everything, so its my fault really
thanks fr ur advice anyway.
Does anyone know how to.delete this thread???

 

[ardianto]

You can ask moderator to close this thread. No need to delete because the advice can be used for other people with similar problem. Don't worry, no one know who you are.

 

[~Zaria~]

Oh wow, first someone assumes im pseosssed by a Jinn ( thanks a lot btw, i had a wonderful time trying to get to sleep), n now im immature.
look, i appreciate ur concern n i respect ur advice, but im sick of all this. no one can understand what im really trying to say. ur just grasping on the fact that im upset he doesn't love me back. well screw that ive gotten over him that loser.
I dont know how to explain everything, so its my fault really
thanks fr ur advice anyway.
Does anyone know how to.delete this thread???

Dear sister,

You had approached us requesting:

"This is why I am writing this, not to seek advice, because I already know what is right what is wrong; I should never speak to him again, it is haram, I should never expect too much if a person...bla bla,
but what I need is to know if I have a personality disorder or something. I would be glad actually, if I'm told that it is a mental problem. Because I can't take it anymore. I can never understand myself."


Those who have responded, are sincerely trying to assist you, from the information that you have provided us.


The following statements:

Today, I tried to cut myself. Unfortunately the ruler was not good enough for the job, and so was my courage......


I have different views of him. One day he is bad, he is not worth it, and I just hate him terribly. Another day, I'm nothing compared to other people. He deserves better.
But I love him. I hate him. Love. Hate. Love. Hate. It's like a tornado and a volcano combined inside me!


Then there is my little kitten. I loved her so much. So much that when she doesn't show me affection or doesn't come to me when i call her,

I would torture her, carry her by her tail and throw her. It's a rage I can't control. I want her to love me......

"Why is she running away from me? How could she do that, doesn't she know I love her?* She can't do that, she can NEVER run away from me!!!"
I torture her.
Then,
"Poor kitty, I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sorry I'm sorry".
* I start crying as the guilt surfaces and makes me aware of what I have just done.
It's the same with him......


I turn into a monster when I go mad......


I read about BPD and it's like I don't even have to explain myself.* Everything is in there. Everything fits.

makes me concerned of someone who appears to lose complete control of her emotions and frame of mind, at least for short periods of time.

As you have mentioned , this can indeed be due to Bipolar Mood Disorder (and the episodes that you describe could be a manifestation of 'manic episodes')

However, as muslims we also believe in the unseen - including jinn, which in some cases can affect people in these types of ways as well.
Which is why I had suggested that you consult someone who is experienced in this, and in shaa Allah, he will be able to determine if this is the case.
The remedies provided from the Quraan, are suggested for all muslims to read - not just those who may be affected, but also as a protection from Shaytaan and jinn.

I think that if you would like to seek help for this problem, then it would be best to explore all possibilities - both medical causes as well as other causes.
The reason being, is that the treatment in each case would be quite different.

I apologise if we have offended you by anything that has been written here.

We spend our times writing out these replies, not with the intention to critisize, condemn or judge anyone.....but only to try to help someone who is in need, in any small way that is possible in shaa Allah.

At the end of the day, it is your choice if you would like to follow up on some of the advices made, or not.


Take care sister,


:wasalam:

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

your right to call him a loser.

but you was also a loser for getting involved before marriage.

and we see millions of losers all the timein this modern age falling in fake love

piety and modesty is the solution

and dial down the crazy. aint helping you or anyone. believe me ive been there

 

[anonymous]

Sister zaria..u can call me psycho u can call me retard, but no way am I POSSESSED by a Jinn. Gish. Seriously what is wrong with u pple? But hey atleast u kinda agreed that something is amiss with me. But nobody can come to conclusions without professional help.
And ibnabdulhakeem, u have some nerve, for insulting me. Who r u to say I'm right in calling him a loser? Do u know him well? Look here, if u can't help people, then plz don't, coz ur making mental pple go even more bonkers with ur "loser" talk.
I seriously should close this thread. This in no way helped me. I suggest u pple who feel the same way I do, to seek professional help, like from a psychiatrist or counsellor, coz this is jst gonna take u nowhere. Unless u r really possessed by a Jinn. *********************************************

 

[anonymous]

Oh and Ibn AbdulHakeem, just in case u didn't know?? Falling in love is what u call ......"normal". Get it?

 

[ardianto]

Sister anonymous

I do not force you to follow the advice I gave. I just want to say that the advice I gave you is honest advice from a guy who had enough much experiences loved by girls who end up feeling disappointed because they could not get his love.

Okay, you can ask moderator to close this thread if you want.

 

[anonymous]

Dear sister Anonymous.

Sometimes there will be people who just don't like us. We don't share the same wave length as they do. Or sometimes they like us at first but then they change their minds. This can be for a couple of reasons. We might have done some actions infront of them that have reminded them of someone or something unpleasent in their present or their past. They may have not seen us for who we really are at first but after they did they decided they are not on the same page as we are. There are several other reasons. What we have to do now that we know this is; we have to prepare our self or partings and seperation. Life is full of these affairs this is why we have to get accustomed to these instabilities in life and embrace a more flexable attitude.

You may have thought and you might still do that this guy is one of a kind and there will be none other like him again. I urge you to stop this pattern of thinking because it's not true there are many kind and wondeful muslim men out there and you should always have hope that Allah will grant you the person who is right for you, maybe someone who brings peace and calm into your life not anxiety and paranoia.

Don't lose hope in Allah. Maybe it's hard for you to move on as I can see you're forcing yourself into insulting him and calling him names so you can disreagard him and lessen his importance. And I think it's not working too well, is it?. Let natural feelings flow in there current they will soon leave you mind through the right exit. God willing you will be fine and things will get better just do as brother Alpha said constantly remember Allah and make plenty of Dua.

P.S- I for one don't think you're possessed or anything. Don't take what some members say here to heart. We all try our level best to offer good advice but none of us are free from mistakes and errors and we may say something without realising how they will effect the other party.

May Allah grant you happiness and peace of mind.


I am not the OP.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

sis when i do something wrong sometimes it takes a hard knock for me to come back.

im just saying it how it is. pre marital love is devoid of Allahs blessing. hence what makes everyone involved in it at a loss (hence loser) when they could have something greater through marriage.

ive done a million bad things in my life but one thing ive always accepted is advice no matter who it came from as long as the advice is good.

ill say it again, modesty and piety is your solution. it will help you dial down the crazy.

still think im a no good insensitive insuting holier then thou good for nothing?

if so i ask for your forgiveness. i wont reply anymore and mods/admins feel free to delete my posts if offensive


assalamu alaikum

 

[anonymous]

Ok ok...
I'm just so frustrated becoz at the beginning clearly stated that I knew what I did was weong. The falling for him thing was wrong. I should have never done that. But what you don't know is I have repented and guess what I made a promise to Allah that I would never talk to him again. In private.
So that's not my problem. I'm sure you have misunderstood that I am seeking help to soothe my poor trodden-on soul. But no, I don't care about him anymore. This is taking a weonh direction.
So let me make it clear now. I just wanted to know if I have a medical condition. I am disturbed by my violent behaviours in the past and I just dont want to do it again. If I have a husband and kids, will I treat them the same way? I'm scared.
I never meant to disregard ur advise, it's just that I'm sick of hearing thatwhat ive done is wrong again and again. You don't know how many times I scold myself. Why did I try to cut myself? Because Im tired of being me. My self esteem is like milliins of miles below the earth.
So yea ur right. I'm a loser a psycho a *****. Im sorry, ur right

 

[anonymous]

And brother IAH (u don't mind if I call u that do u?) , do respect ur advuse. Really. That u took time to read and comment. I appreciate that. It's just the liser thing that gt me but it's ok now. U apologized. U can post really I mean like c'mon...! I was jst thinking tht I have revealed all my personal stuff and shown pple that im a psych to be called a loser...u know, that's how my thoughts went. It's not ur fault. I always do that. Think too much about stuff. Get hurt quickly. And see? Now I hate myself fr that. So plz don't be mad...
Same thing happens wit him u know. He says something n I take it in the wrong way n I snap at him. But he can't understand why I snapped at him. He gets mad. I get mad. We fight. I hate him. Then I feel guilty. Then apologize. Fight again. Again. Again. And. Again.
And sister/brother anonymous who is not me, thankyou for understanding that im not possessed

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

you havent revealed anything coz your still anonymous

you sound human to me, not possessed or anything else. just a faulty human like the rest of us.


just make amends and start fresh, ipeven if you have to try a million times

 

[anonymous]

Im pretty sure people can guess who I am...if u put two and two together...anyways, never mind that.
But I'm pretty sure I have a disorder. I am definitely not normal. That I know.

 

[anonymous]

Same thing happens wit him u know. He says something n I take it in the wrong way n I snap at him. But he can't understand why I snapped at him. He gets mad. I get mad. We fight. I hate him. Then I feel guilty. Then apologize. Fight again. Again. Again. And. Again.
And sister/brother anonymous who is not me, thankyou for understanding that im not possessed

You're welcome.

I don't think we are qualified enough to tell you whether or not you need to seek professional help. I think that the 'symptoms' if they are at all; are just emotional reactions or maybe mood swings. I think maybe if you used a journal and jotted down a diary of these reactions when they occur and anaylsed the triggers causing them and then coming up with preventitive techniques so that you can avoid repeating them.


I hope things turn out the best for you.


I am not the OP.

 

[IbnAbdulHakim]

you feel like your fallen?

watu izZu mantashaah watu zillu mantashaah...

this ayaat reminds me of who and what i am

it means Allah raises whom he wills and Allaah debases whom he wills

Just because your debased now doesnt mean you cant be raised again

believe me i feel like im perpetually debased



and no i still dont know who you are. guessi cant put 2 and 2 together