Eerie Personality and Confidence Issues

[smallkid]

I am Alhamdulilah 26 years financially well, and educated person. I am Master in the field of Study and my family owns multiple businesses.

My problems:

I am too hasty in taking decisions. I want something to finish as quickly as started without thinking about the consequences of my hasty decision making

I am always confused. I cannot take my decisions and have to overthink about the issues, which has caused me great grief and distress in my life.

In school, I was a topper, and achieved alot. However, I have little or no confidence left now, and I think everybody just hates me or will make fun of me. This has caused me not to make new friends (I also think that I cannot make new friends)

Thirdly, my family is looking for a girl for marriage. I have been rejected, and I have rejected some as well. I want my parents to take the decision rather than me. However, I want my family to get over the thinks quickly so that I can focus on new things in life. This seems a distant reality now. I dont think so that I will ever be able to get married because of my attitude and personality (very weak personality and no one seems to like me)

I have never had bad habit, but I have been continuously in depression, and I believe that Allah is against me. This leads me to think alot against Islam and Allah. However, nothing improves no matter how much I pray or ask Allah and Prophet Mohammad PBUH for help.

Sometime back I started praying five prayer in congregation thinking that Allah will have mercy on me, but things did not change, and after one month I stopped praying even Jumma prayers. Nothing is improving in my life. It seems that the only thing God has bestowed me is a good family and financial background.

However, I feel that even if my parents are going to ask some girl for proposal I am going to get rejected because of poor personality, and skills. I remember the times in schools, and college when I could not utter a word in front of girls, Now I feel like my personality has gotten worse.

I also have a very few close friends, who are as busy in business as I am. I am waiting for a miracle to happen in my life, but Allah (SWT) is keeping me down and out. He does not guide me, doesnot give me any sign, or doesnot improve anything for despite of my prayers. I pray with tears, and true heart but God rejects me everywhere. I tried to invest my money away from my family business so that I can achieve anything on my own, and have something to boast about but failed miserable. In fact, God does not help me in anything. I have a poor poor personality, no achievment despite good educational background, I have no where to go. I feel trapped. But the God is not helping me. May he wants me to suffer. I also have suicidal thoughts sometime, but no one seems to understand me help me or befriend with me.


Is there any way to end this ? Please dont tell me that God doesnot burden you with more than you can handle, because it very easy for you to say that, and I have been burdened more than I should be. It is easy for Sheikhs and Maulana's to talk about depression, and how Allah helps everyone, however it is very easy for them to say thing because they havent been through any of this.

 

[BeTheChange]

Asalamualykum,


Am sorry to hear you're having a difficult time and your state of mind is not in a good place.


Reading your post, i felt very upset about the negative thinking you have towards Allah swa.


One verse i found very relevant to your situation.


ALLAH does not change a people´s condition unless they change what is in their hearts…. [13:11]


This verse reveals that ALLAH Grants good to people when they strive and make effort for it with a pure clean heart, free of ailments like shirk, greed, falsehood, jealousy etc. which make the heart diseased. To see an alteration in a particular situation, on individual or collective level, this key point is given to us.


Here attention is being drawn to the inner self, which is hidden and can easily be covered up to deceive others, and one may pretend and act in a particular way, with little willingness and involvement from the heart, in circumstance when one has little choice to opt for options.


ALLAH is calling our attention and making us aware of the fact that He Has access to our inner selves and knows our intentions and thoughts, and our Master Coveys to us that He wants purity at the very basic level, i-e our thoughts and intentions, and He only accepts deeds of such high rank.


If you wish to read more, please visit:- https://www.facebook.com/KhilafahOnline/posts/382475338505182


You said your hasty in your approach and you were praying for a month and then stopped. Maybe this is where you went wrong? You can't expect to be good for a certain period and then expect miracles from Allah swa. It doesn't work like that. I know you're not suppose to share your sins with people (because no one knows me here maybe Allah swa will forgive me). I will share my experience in the hope you will be able to change your life for the better. Ameen.


I never used to be consistent with my prayers. Some years i was very good and other years i was very bad. For a long time i never prayed and then ramadan 2014 came and this was the best ramadan for me. I hated the person i had become. I never used to feel guilty for missing my salaah and it was a normal practice for me not to pray. Ramadan 2014 came and Alhamdulilah, i stopped saving everything for tomorrow. I used to ALWAYS have the intention i will do this tomorrow and like most people, tomorrow never came!!


It has been a year now since i have been consistent with my prayers and i feel so much internal happiness. Honestly, i can't express in words but i feel content with life and i KNOW if am in a happy or sad situation this has come from Allah swa and Allah swa will get me through this. I don't give Allah swa a timescale to improve my situation. I get through life with HOPE in Allah swa.


If you read about our prophets am SURE this will inspire you.

For example, i love the story of Yunus PBUH. Yunus PBUH got swallowed by a whale so he had 3 layers of darkness around him. The darkness of the night, the darkness of the sea and the darkness of the whale. When Younus PBUH was inside the whale he thought he had died but then he realised he could move his legs. He never gave up hope. He recited a dua which is so POWERFUL that Allah swa accepted his dua and the whale opened his mouth once again and delivered Yunus PBUH to land. The story doesn't stop there, with the sun beaming it's rays Yunus PBUH skin was burning with the heat of the sun. Allah swa mercy was shown again by the sea gathering some leaves to protect Yunus PBUH body.


If it helps you when you are distressed, you can recite Yunus PBUH dua:-

laa ilaha ila anta sub-haa-naa-kaa inee kuntu minadaaa-limeeen.


We learn the following lessons from this story:


the need for patience in all our affairs
the reward for acknowledging our mistakes / weakness
repenting for the wrong done
constantly praising Allah and seeking Allah’s forgiveness (that can then help later in challenging situations.)

Sorry it's a long post but wanted to STRESS on the importance of changing your views and relationship with Allah swa. Allah swa loves us more than our mothers. I know i can't comprehend this amount of love, so we should NEVER doubt Allah swa. We human beings wrong ourselves.

 

[BeTheChange]

Also, one more thing maybe you're hasty in your approach because you are searching for some tranquility and peace within your soul and life?

Verily, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find rest (13:28).

In terms of personality, none of us are perfect but as long as you are trying and struggling to change yourself. You WILL get there one day in sha Allah. Controlling your anger takes practice and time and this is something you need to invest in your character. Nothing is done over-night.

Please visit this link http://www.kalamullah.com/personality.html for information regarding personality development!

One final point, confidence comes from WITHIN. If others around you are putting you down, don't let their views of you dictate who you are or your confidence. I've met a few people who have thought negatively of me but i have used their negative comments as internal strength to overcome the situation and exceeded my expectations of me and others expectations of me. You are capable of anything as long as you have internal strength and perseverance.

I wish you well and i hope you find peace within yourself Ameen

 

[Alpha Dude]

Asalamu Alaykum brother,

May Allah make things easy for you, give you confidence and marry you to a pious sister. Aameen.

However, nothing improves no matter how much I pray or ask Allah and Prophet Mohammad PBUH for help.

On this, I'm not sure if you are being literal with the bit in bold - but we can only ask Allah for help. Prophet PBUH is not All Seeing, All hearing and he cannot of his own self grant us help. Only Allah can. We make dua/request help from Allah.

Sometime back I started praying five prayer in congregation thinking that Allah will have mercy on me, but things did not change, and after one month I stopped praying even Jumma prayers. Nothing is improving in my life. It seems that the only thing God has bestowed me is a good family and financial background.

Secondly, you mention above that you started praying in congregation in the hope that Allah will have mercy on you. This is a major incorrect attitude you have. We have to pray to Allah because it is our duty to do so. Even if we are being persecuted, beaten up, have no money, no food, no limbs, ridden by disease, that does not make us lose our obligation of praying. The point I'm making is that we don't pray for the sake of worldly benefit but we pray because Allah is worthy of worship and it is his right and our duty as slaves to do it. We have to realise the grand scheme here.

no one seems to understand me help me or befriend with me.

You have to make that effort to get to know people.

To be honest, it seems you just lack confidence in yourself. If you don't already, go to the gym, lift weights, do some sprinting, make yourself physically fit and you will feel confident as a result of the physiological changes in your body.

 

[smallkid]

I hit the gym as my only hobby in life. Yet no improvmenr in personality or attitude.

 

[smallkid]

The only thing that is helping me these days is two packs of cigarettes an hour before sleeping. Otherwise, I would have given up on my life already.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Contentment is what you're missing. You should aim to be content with whatever happens in your life, be it good or bad. Just move on, draw a line under the bad things that happen and look forward. Never think about the past and what could have been - only use any negative experience as something to learn from for the future.

The mind is powerful. Positivity begets positivity. Consistently being positive will lead you to be more confident.

 

[Muhammad]

:salamext: brother and welcome to the forum,

I am sorry to hear of the problems you are going through. There is a lot of negative thinking in your post which needs to change. Islam teaches us to think positively about Allaah :swt: and to have an optimistic attitude. Strengthening your relationship with Allaah :swt: will help you in being confident and strong in yourself :ia:.

I have never had bad habit, but I have been continuously in depression, and I believe that Allah is against me. This leads me to think alot against Islam and Allah. However, nothing improves no matter how much I pray or ask Allah and Prophet Mohammad PBUH for help.

Allah :swt: is the only one who has the power to bring about good and protect us from evil. He is our Creator, Sustainer and Owner of everything. All of our worship must be directed to Him alone. Du'a is an important act of worship and this too must only be directed to Allaah :swt: alone. We are not allowed to make du'a to any of His creation as this would be regarded as shirk, the biggest sin in Islam. That is why you must only ask from Allaah :swt: and not the Prophet :saws:.

Some sites/threads with more information:
http://www.islamweb.net/emainpage/articles/135421/categories-of-tawheed-islamic-monotheism
http://www.islamicboard.com/tawheed-and-shirk/44928-fundamentals-tawheed-islamic-monotheism.html
http://www.islamicboard.com/tawheed-and-shirk/30026-introduction-shirk-divisions.html

 

[Scimitar]

I am Alhamdulilah 26 years financially well, and educated person. I am Master in the field of Study and my family owns multiple businesses.

My problems:

I am too hasty in taking decisions. I want something to finish as quickly as started without thinking about the consequences of my hasty decision making

I am always confused. I cannot take my decisions and have to overthink about the issues, which has caused me great grief and distress in my life.

In school, I was a topper, and achieved alot. However, I have little or no confidence left now, and I think everybody just hates me or will make fun of me. This has caused me not to make new friends (I also think that I cannot make new friends)

Thirdly, my family is looking for a girl for marriage. I have been rejected, and I have rejected some as well. I want my parents to take the decision rather than me. However, I want my family to get over the thinks quickly so that I can focus on new things in life. This seems a distant reality now. I dont think so that I will ever be able to get married because of my attitude and personality (very weak personality and no one seems to like me)

I have never had bad habit, but I have been continuously in depression, and I believe that Allah is against me. This leads me to think alot against Islam and Allah. However, nothing improves no matter how much I pray or ask Allah and Prophet Mohammad PBUH for help.

Sometime back I started praying five prayer in congregation thinking that Allah will have mercy on me, but things did not change, and after one month I stopped praying even Jumma prayers. Nothing is improving in my life. It seems that the only thing God has bestowed me is a good family and financial background.

However, I feel that even if my parents are going to ask some girl for proposal I am going to get rejected because of poor personality, and skills. I remember the times in schools, and college when I could not utter a word in front of girls, Now I feel like my personality has gotten worse.

I also have a very few close friends, who are as busy in business as I am. I am waiting for a miracle to happen in my life, but Allah (SWT) is keeping me down and out. He does not guide me, doesnot give me any sign, or doesnot improve anything for despite of my prayers. I pray with tears, and true heart but God rejects me everywhere. I tried to invest my money away from my family business so that I can achieve anything on my own, and have something to boast about but failed miserable. In fact, God does not help me in anything. I have a poor poor personality, no achievment despite good educational background, I have no where to go. I feel trapped. But the God is not helping me. May he wants me to suffer. I also have suicidal thoughts sometime, but no one seems to understand me help me or befriend with me.


Is there any way to end this ? Please dont tell me that God doesnot burden you with more than you can handle, because it very easy for you to say that, and I have been burdened more than I should be. It is easy for Sheikhs and Maulana's to talk about depression, and how Allah helps everyone, however it is very easy for them to say thing because they havent been through any of this.

Salaam bro... you think you got it bad? If you ever find out about me, you may feel humbled. Count your fortune and remember how blessed you are for having your life, business and family around you - these are what matter most in dunya... just work on akhirah. I think you may be trying to hard and over thinking your issues... I'll share a secret with you. The secret to winning hearts is to appear happy (even if you are not) and to be helpful (even if you are lazy) - these two - happiness and helpfulness will win hearts... just don't expect a return in a way you can measure - because no one can measure the content of an heart except Allah.

You will however, over time, learn that you are worth more than your self analysis.

Scimi

 

[smallkid]

Thankyou for trying to help.

The real issue is some people get one or two problems in life and they can console themselves for their other good traits. In my case, i have been screwed in everything in life and hence so down. All my nightmares are coming true by the will of Allah. I am losing hope slowly and gradually.

 

[Alpha Dude]

Nah man, you've got 'the grass is greener on the other side' mentality. Nope. It's not true. Everyone has problems. Loads of people out there have many issues that nobody knows about and they are just as bad as yours and in many cases much much worse. There's 6 billion surplus people in this world. Of these, there must be many millions going through extreme suffering. Point is, you are not alone and Allah is not messing about with you.

Life is a test. Accept it.

 

[BeTheChange]

Thankyou for trying to help.

The real issue is some people get one or two problems in life and they can console themselves for their other good traits. In my case, i have been screwed in everything in life and hence so down. All my nightmares are coming true by the will of Allah. I am losing hope slowly and gradually.

Start with addressing the ROOT of these problems. Find a solution to those problems.

I think you're being too harsh on yourself. Am confident there is good traits in you but you're not seeing them at the moment.

If you feel there is not enough good traits, start making small steps in your life to show the good traits to yourself and others around you.

You don't have to have good character for potential spouses. Instead do it for yourself and start loving yourself.

I've listened to a very good lecture when i was down. Maybe this will help?

Self Image Psychology expounds on some of the harmful messages promoted by the western media. The speaker points out how these common messages damage the Muslims’ self-image psychology. Among the many things discussed in this presentation are examples of proper self-respect and self-reverence from the lives of the Companions of the Prophet Muhammad (s). In addition, the speaker mentions common acts that entail lack of self esteem, such as the changing of Muslim names to non Muslim ones and the changing of the Islamic identity in general. The mere nature of this discussion reveals how Muslims today really view themselves.

Please visit http://www.kalamullah.com/lectures.html - scroll to the bottom and click on self image psychology

 

[Scimitar]

Bro, how would you feel if you was 40, unmarried, with health issues, unable to make a solid income because your business is sufferring, and you have absolutely no savings and your friends are all married, with kids old enough to be married - and when you meet, you have absolutely nothing in common to talk about because of the differences in lifestyle - well, that's me - oh and there's more - much more which I don't share on forums in case peeps will think I am vying for sympathy...

...I learnt to "do and be done". Meaning. Once you done something - stop entertaining it in thought - move on to the next thing... people like you and I often get caught up in the traps our own brain creates - and we procrastinate on matters which need dealing with.

Now, I made my bed many years ago, and I am learning to deal with my mistakes one at a time - and I'm investing a portion of my time in study so I can better understand my purpose in life and how to achieve it in sha Allah - and so I can sleep at night... you sound like a young man who has his whole life ahead of him - and I fear that if you fall into the same patterns I did as a youth, you may end up like me - and no one wants to end up like me bro. Trust me on that.

Your first step needs to be your salaah bro - you don't make salaah so you can be happy, no - you make salaah so you can make your Creator, Allah, happy - and if HE is happy with you - then things will slowly start to work out for you. As they do for me.

And here's another thing - I say "things started to work out for me" - and they did - just not the way i expected them to... Allah doesn't give us what we want bro... no... HE gives us what we need - and most times we don't even know what that is - our limited perception doesn't allow us to understand the wisdom of Allahs decisions until after the fact - and only then do we say "Alhamdulillah" because we recognise something so profane, that it literally makes us feel haughty and we become humbled by such mercy which holds benefit after benefit in our lives.

When you make salaah, you are fulfilling an obligation brother, not going to a shop to make a trade... remember that.

Scimi

 

[smallkid]

Hey thanks again for taking out your precious time for trying to help a lost case like myself. You said life is a test , but what about tests after tests. What about not getting any relief when Allah says he won't burden you with more than you can handle.



Dear brother SCIMI, You say nobody would want to be you, I say nobody would want to be me.

I have never done anything wrong to anyone and yet this. Never backbitten or betrayed anyone and yet this. I spoke with poor and needy with utmost kindness and still do and yet this. I do not drink or do drugs and yet this. I cannot think about abusing my Muslims brother and sisters and yet this.

I wanted to keep a beard , God gave me skin problems


I wanted to be decent looking, but God made me fat and bald despite the fact that I eat very small portion of my meal and hit gym ( my friends and acquaintances do all sort of people and yet they are ok)

I wanted to hav a decent personlity and God made me underconfident

I wanted to achieve things in life, but wherever I invest , I suffer a loss .

How about this SCIMI ?

 

[BeTheChange]

I would STRONGLY recommend you to read this book. Please download or print the document.

Going down the road of self-pity isn't good for us. We need to accept where we are in life and if we are not happy with the position then we need to take relevant actions to improve the circumstances. There's no point moaning or complaining - nothing good will come from it.

Please take time to read this book >> Don't be sad!

You can download the book from this website http://www.kalamullah.com/books.html

 

[Scimitar]

ey thanks again for taking out your precious time for trying to help a lost case like myself.

Ah no probs bro, it is a duty, nothing more nothing less

You said life is a test , but what about tests after tests. What about not getting any relief when Allah says he won't burden you with more than you can handle.

Life is a series of tests, each designed to prepare you for the various stages of personal perception and realisation, so you can better fulfil your potential as a human being.

After each test, there is aperiod of relief, where the problems seem to melt away into the background, not totally disappeared, but muted for a time until they resurface as something more than before... it is in our tests that we find the necessary intellectual tools to deal with each scenario or situation so we can better contextualise the problem itself, and therefore learn to ask the better questions which yield the better results.

Want an example? you just gave one yourself in your last post, and this response is a direct manifestation of a good question. Your question, was a GREAT question... "You said life is a test , but what about tests after tests." <- trust me, i know it sounds simple, but this is a brilliant question brother, you're on the right track...

Dear brother SCIMI, You say nobody would want to be you, I say nobody would want to be me.

Two peas in a pod, eh bro? except - you got a real chance at making it work...me? I'm actually happier than I have ever been in my life and thank Allah for HIS kindness and mercy now. Sure people have pointed at me and used me as an example of who not to be like etc. But, I've moved on bro - I know that if I keep looking back - I will only feel sad or let down... if I only look forward - I may be disappointed in what I expect to happen...

...bro, some golden advice. There are only two days where you cannot do anything, yesterday, and tomorrow - today is the day for change, and every "today" is an opportunity for you to correct one thing or to maintain its correction until it forms into a habit - a beneficial habit.

Bro, I made a video a long time ago, I want you to watch it - it's only short but in sha Allah, I feel you will understand this the way i do:

Scimi

 

[Layth]

Forgive the tangent from the thread Smallkid, but I just got to say this:

Scmi, big thumbs up to the video above. It is beautifully and elegantly put together, and one that really his home. It's so polished and professional that I sincerely hope you are using the mad skillz you have in carving out some kind of career for yourself in IT or marketing or graphics?

 

[smallkid]

Look scmi dude, u have real talent. On the other hand, I am in this world to be rot and ridiculed

 

[BeTheChange]

If everyone absorbed themselves in self pity we would never be able to fully reach our potential as human beings. As a Muslim we never lose hope. It doesn't matter about the severity of your pain. The sadness and pain has already been written for you and you will need to learn to accept your perceived sadness. Trust in Allah.

You said you run a business not many people can do this so just by your brief life story I've identified a skill in you and am positive you have many more. Please read the book that I recommended and don't go down the self-pity road. Believe me it's going to harm you long term.

 

[Layth]

Small kid: I know you've been offered some really good advice from BetheChange and Scimi in particular, and I feel I can't add much more. But I echo what has been said already: first things first, you need to drag yourself away from the very negative cycle that your thoughts currently dwell in. I understand that is easier said than done, but you have to willfully make that happen. Do what it takes bro: Implement small changes, do things in life that make you slightly more content, hang around more with people that make you feel a little better, try mindfulness, try therapy, even medication, volunteer, hold the door open for a stranger, donate to Syria, wake early to see a sunrise, start appreciating the chance that Allah has given you to live, to experience, to smile, to share and to love. Do whichever of these things that help you, and do them often. I honestly feel that once you have broken out of your negative cycle, all other things will start falling into place for you.

Most importantly, do not give up on Allah swt brother. Allah has a plan for you, and it is your job to meet half-way and not just give up and call it quits, within a sea of negativity and frustration. You have to make it happen brother, Allah can only provide you with potential and with guidance. The rest is up to you.