Requests were made by Muslim brothers who read my article "How To Guard Your Husband's Honor As A Muslim Wife", asking me to write an article detailing the important things which Muslim men should do as imperative duties and obligations towards their wives. Below is therefore, a list of things for Muslim men to remember when dealing with their wives. An important reminder: these tips are being suggested while bearing in mind the specific dangers and risks that married individuals face, as a couple, in today's day and age. Marriages today need to be armed with sufficient armor against the severe onslaught of fitnah's.
Always emulate the behavior of the Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] with his wives:
Allah says in the Qur'an: "You have indeed in the Messenger of Allah, a beautiful example (of conduct) for anyone whose hope is in Allah and the Final Day, and who remembers Allah much." [Qur'an - 33:21]
The Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] overlooked his wives' shortcomings, and tolerated their unreasonable behavior. The books of ahadith are replete with examples of how he ignored what he did not like about their actions, with a smile and patient silence. Once, when he became very angry with all of them, he left their company and resolved not to talk to them for a month.
Instead of shouting or verbally reprimanding your wife for every mistake, just ignore her. If she is fighting with you or being unreasonable, you can always leave the room and not answer back, which is the best strategy. When you will ignore her for some time, she will willingly relinquish the behavior which angered you.
Treat her with respect, especially during intimacy:
Sexual gratification is the foremost reason why men get married, and they make serious mistakes right in the beginning, which cause the greatest blows to their marital relationship. Muslim men should fear Allah regarding how they handle their wives during intimacy.
Narrated Jabir Bin Abdullah [may Allah be pleased with him], "The Prophet [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] did not allow sexual intercourse before fondling (the wife)." [Abu Dawood]
It is a sad fact that nowadays, when a man gets married, he has already seen a lot of porn or sexually graphic movie scenes, courtesy the different forms of media available to him to satisfy his curiosity, which poison his mind about how to treat a woman, much before he actually brings home a wife.
O Muslim Brother! That innocent girl you bring home has no affinity to that sultry siren you've watched on TV - she's vulnerable, innocent and scared. So be gentle and get her to relax, and don't cause any irreparable damage by being hasty. In Islam, a woman is a jewel -- a gem, which should be taken care of and treated with dignity and respect.
Imam al-Daylami [may Allah be merciful on him] records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik [may Allah be pleased with him] that the Messenger of Allah [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] is reported to have said: "One of you should not fulfill one's (sexual) need from one's wife like an animal, rather there should be, between them, foreplay of kissing and words."
[Musnad Al-Firdaws of Al-Daylami, 2/55]
The good Muslim husband should, therefore, forget the marketing policies of Hugh Hefner's multimillion-dollar, testosterone-driven industry and focus on the advice of Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم]. Movies and romance novels are not the sources from which you should be drawing instructions for intimacy. Also, you as a Muslim should learn to respect women in general, before you get married.
Remember that when a prostitute came to ask Allah's Messenger [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] for monetary help, he helped her and did not treat her disrespectfully. What about you? Have there been times when you have seen or met a woman who tempted you, and you thought: "S1ut", or "Wh0re"? Have you ever verbally or mentally used abusive words, such as "B1tch", for any woman? Do you believe, due to your cultural baggage, that women are inherently evil; that Eve tempted Adam to eat the forbidden fruit, that women should be locked up inside the house because they lead men astray when they go out? Do you believe that women are inferior to men? Do you believe that women are the basic cause of the prevalence of decadence and sin? Do you shout at your mother and sister for not serving you your food or coffee when you ask for it? If so, you really need to change your thinking and attitude towards women before you enter marriage, because a man, who has truly grasped the essence of Islamic teachings regarding the kind treatment of women, will never, ever answer the above questions in the affirmative. And if he does, it is highly likely that he will disrespect his wife, and not be able to keep her happy.
Maintain personal grooming and hygiene:
Once every two weeks, trim, shave or clip anything that grows on your body. Keep your hair and beard washed and combed -- smelling and looking clean.
Use the siwak (tooth-stick), floss, toothpaste, mouth-spray or mouthwash to maintain oral hygiene. Shower daily and use deodorants or other strong fragrance to smell good at home, not just at the Jum'uah or Eid congregation.
Remember that doing all this is the sunnah (way) of the Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم], who abhorred any kind of body odour (mouth, armpit or foot) emanating from himself. Wear the colors and clothing styles that your wife prefers, if Islam permits them.
Your wife is a consultant, not a personal valet or slave:
The foremost quality which Muslim men desire in a wife, after beauty and physical attractiveness, is that she be obedient and servile, and that she do their chores without being told e.g. ironing their clothes, cooking their meals, or doing the laundry.
However, it is a fact that there is a difference of opinion among Islamic scholars regarding whether it is obligatory or preferred (mustahab) for a wife to serve her husband. Majority declare it to be praiseworthy but not obligatory, even though most Muslim women happily do their household work themselves, without being asked.
The Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] did his personal chores himself, and we do not know of any ahadith in which his wives were known to serve him elaborately. Therefore, the good Muslim husband truly appreciates the work his wife does around the house. If she forgets something, he overlooks it and remains silent. He also consults her in important matters before making the final decision e.g. naming their children, changing his job, making an investment, going on a trip, having his family members move in, or in even small matters such as what she'd like to order for herself when they eat out at a restaurant. He never overlooks her say in these matters.
Take care of her during her pregnancy and breastfeeding:
Unmarried men usually have no idea of the tremendous physical pain that Allah has decreed for the daughters of Adam. They find this out after marriage, when they witness their wife going through monthly cramps, or the rigors of pregnancy, childbirth and breastfeeding. If nothing more, it should increase their respect for women in general.
However, some married Muslim men stay out late at night with friends, at clubs, restaurants, games or the movies, while their pregnant or newly-mother wife stays at home with the baby. They hand over the responsibility of taking care of her to their mothers or sisters. This behavior is inappropriate, and it will cause hatred to develop in the wife's heart.
The good Muslim husband offers extra moral and physical support to his wife during these difficult phases in her life. Don't feel your manly ego busted if you have to give the baby its bottle or pacify it, while your wife attends to an older child or her own genuine needs. The Muslim husband is a doting and hands-on father; and this attribute makes his wife love him even more!
Help her out in the household work:
Occasionally washing the dishes, vacuuming the carpets, making your own breakfast or tea (especially if your wife is asleep or not well), or cooking a simple meal will raise your status in your wife's eyes and increase love for you in her heart.
Contrary to what Asian culture dictates, a man doesn't become effeminate by doing household chores. He, in fact, becomes more manly and attractive to his spouse.
It goes without saying that chores such as getting groceries on the weekend, taking your wife to her doctor, fixing the faucet or mowing the lawn should also be taken care of by you.
Praise her small gestures or good traits openly, especially before your family:
It takes only three small words to give your wife a compliment, and it doesn't have to be every day, but it will have an enormous impact on your marital relationship. Those three words could be "This tastes delicious", or "You look good". Also, if you praise her within moderation in front of your family members, even if she is absent, this would be a sadaqah on your part. Just don't overdo it because too much praise has a negative effect.
Remember that your wife will age and her beauty will die:
Men have been programmed by Allah to desire beauty in women. However, a wise Muslim man knows that just like everything else in this world that glitters, the beauty of his wife (or of any other woman, for that matter), is temporary. Hence, he focuses more on her other important and more long-lasting good traits.
Allah says in the Qur'an:
"..and treat them (i.e. your wives) kindly; then if you hate them, it may be that you dislike a thing while Allah has placed abundant good in it." [Qur'an - 4: 19]
Most men desire children; however, they soon witness that having children makes their wives' bodies lose their shape. A good Muslim husband therefore, reminds himself that beauty is of secondary importance, especially when the Shaytaan makes non-mahrum women appear more attractive to him. He reminds himself that the only permanent pleasure of beholding perpetually beautiful women is reserved for righteous people in Paradise, and its existence in the world is fleeting, and a deception of Shaytaan.
Do not look at other women:
It obviously follows that if you want to make your marriage a true success and a haven of love and mercy, you should obey the advice of the Prophet Muhammad [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] in the ahadith below:
Jareer ibn ‘Abdullah said: "I asked the Messenger of Allah [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] about an accidental glance at a woman. He commanded me to turn my gaze away." [Al-Tirmidhi]
The Messenger of Allah [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم] said: "O Ali [his cousin], do not follow a glance with another, for you will be forgiven for the first, but not for the second." [Al-Tirmidhi: 2701]
Therefore, do not hang around men who stare at and pass comments on women's bodies, who have a string of women friends, or who regularly attend mixed parties. Keep all kinds of conversations with women to a basic minimum, either at work, or on the Internet, or on your cell phone. Be business-like when talking to them due to necessity.
Sound boring? Well, you can't be a good Muslim unless you train yourself to obey the Prophet [صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم], even if it goes against your base desires. And being a good Muslim husband can only be possible if you are a good Muslim first.
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